Reflections on 2012

It has been a very interesting year.  I wish I could say that 2012 was uneventful but it was anything but that.  Anything before February 14th of this year is just a vague haze honestly.  I think there was some snow, and nursing school, and I had my IUD taken out so the ex and I could try for baby #3 but other than that nothing really happened until 2/14/12.  It was the worst Valentine's day in my life and the day that changed absolutely everything.  It was the day I decided to divorce my (now) ex and it was the day that I sent an email to a long lost love, L, explaining just why I was divorcing him.

After that day my life seemed to turn into a whirlwind of craziness.  Between nursing school and dealing with the ex, our kids, and eventually the divorce, I'm not exactly sure how I came out with my head still attached and mostly functional.  I can happily report though that I graduated with my LPN, my kids are healthy and happy, and the ex and I are on friendly terms.  Things got rocky again with the ex in October but he is in therapy and has stable housing so we are doing our best to work at being friends again.

The best part of my year by far is that after almost 4 years of not talking to her, L answered my email on Valentine's day within hours of me sending it.  That gave me hope that if nothing else we could be friends again.  We have since survived long distance dating and are now living together.  Between then and now she made 4 trips out here and I made 2 back to see her.  I'm not sure I've ever travelled so much, and I really did learn to hate that airport because each time I put her on a plane back to OH it hurt more.  Still, she is finally here now and we are going to get our chance at happiness after way too long.

If somebody had asked me this time last year where I thought I'd be a year from then, this definitely wouldn't have been it.  I would have probably told them I'd be holding a new baby, or pregnant, and I'd still be married to the ex.  I would still have gotten my LPN but I'm pretty sure thats the only thing that'd be the same.  Despite all the heartbreak and insanity of this past year I am really, truly happy.  I will admit though, I'm hoping that next year will be a lot less eventful because I could seriously use a break from the emotional rollercoaster I've been on.  I just have regular school to do, hopefully I'll find a nursing job, and settling into a nice family routine with L being here is all I really want to do.  Maybe a bit of travel to go see our family back east, but nothing crazy.  I think I just want to relax this year and enjoy life as it comes.  Please be gentle with me 2013!

Finally

Today my heart became whole again, L is finally here to stay.  No more months without seeing her, no more nights on Skype hoping that our computers don't restart or drop connection.  No more explaining to two little people that they can't go to her house and see her because its too far away.  Only time spent with her, C and R.  I know there are likely to be rough patches, and I know those patches won't be easy, but considering everything we've been through in the past I've got a lot of confidence that we will be able to work through it. 

I've been trying for weeks to get across to C that L will be staying with us for good this time, R is too little to really grasp things like that but I told her anyway.  And when I say I've been trying, I mean I've told him so many different ways that I really couldn't think of any better way to tell him for him to possibly understand.  And then tonight, he and L had a moment that got me all teary.  Her being here, and hearing her say it to him, and answering his questions all made it sink in for him.  Then, in his heart melting way, he wrapped his arms around her neck (she'd been down on his level) and told her he loved her.  When she said it back, I had to walk away because if I'd stayed I was likely gonna cry.  Now, they've exchanged "I love yous" before and it made me happy, but to hear him say it after the already very special conversation they'd had just slid it home for me that she really won't ever be leaving us again.

I'm not sure I even have the right words to express exactly how amazing this whole situation is to me.  All I know is that I feel blessed to have found somebody so right for me, somebody that I love and that loves me just as much.  I found her years ago and made the mistake of not following my heart at the time, but we are together now and I'm happier than I have ever been.  And the most amazing part is that she is not only great for me but she and the kids mesh too, they adore each other.  I couldn't ask for a better person to help me raise them when they are here with me.  They aren't going to be burdened with a step-monster like some kids are, they are getting a loving, devoted, fantastic third parent to help teach them to be the amazing people they have the potential to be.  And for that too I feel incredibly blessed.

Miles into memories

I can't believe I haven't written in over two weeks with everything that's been happening.  The day after my last posting I finally got notification that I passed my State Board, I am an actual licensed nurse!  Now starts the annoying part of searching for a job.  I'm looking and looking, but it seems that most places really just aren't hiring newly graduated LPNs (licensed practical nurses).  They advertise that they hire new graduates, but those are either RNs (registered nurses) or MAs (medical assistants) and I'm beginning to get more than a teensy bit frustrated with the whole thing.  I've found a couple places that I'm going to submit my resume and an application to, but first I need to put the finishing touches on my resume.  Its an entirely different animal from any other resume I've done in the past and its proving tricky to get just right.  It'll be very interesting to see what my future in nursing holds for me.

 

In other news, in just nine days the miles that have separated L and I for so many years will be nothing but a memory. L will be here in my arms for good and I can't quit smiling! I've tried explaining it to C & R, but they're 2.5 and 4, they just don't quite realize that when I say, "L is going to be living with us soon," that I mean something other than that she'll be visiting with us again. They don't realize that we'll ever have to say goodbye to her again. I think once she is here and they realize that she isn't going anywhere that they are going to be as excited as me. No matter how happy I am about all of this, I still almost can't believe that it's actually happening.  The impromptu trip I took out to OH the day after her birthday (as a combo birthday surprise/packing assistance trip) and helping her pack and ship 8 or 9 boxes of her stuff to my house has helped make it all more real though.  After all, if she doesn't move out here I've got tons of her stuff for no reason.  Why would she do that?  I know for a fact she's coming and soon I will have boxes to prove it and to tuck away until her arrival. 

With all of this happening at once it seems like my heart and my life are finally being given permission to move on.  Like they are finally being released from the darkness and limbo they've been in for so long.  Its a shock to the system to realize that I may finally be coming back to who I used to be, or at least as close as I can all things considered.  I've been told that because of everything that has happened, and because I not only survived it but came out on top of it all, that I'll be a stronger person for it.  Honestly, strength is all well and good but I just want to revel in the love and happiness I know is out there for me.  The strength will help me with any new struggles that come my way, but for a while I just want to enjoy my dreams coming true.

Oh, and for the first time since last April I saw a rainbow.  It was dancing in the moisture blowing around the plane's wings as I flew home from OH on Tuesday.  It was a beautiful and welcome sight and I can't help but believe that somebody or something was reminding me of the promise I was given back in April. 

Here's to the future, memories, dreams, and promises!

The insanity in the waiting game

Have you ever anxiously awaited something?  The release of a new book by your favorite author maybe?  Or heck, what about a three day holiday weekend?  Or how about the arrival of your long distance love coming to move out with you or the results of your State Board nursing exam?  Well, if you think I'm going insane waiting for those first two, at times you might be right but at the moment its definitely the last two that are driving me absolutely bonkers.

I'm not sure how much I've talked about my journey to becoming a nurse in this blog, but I entered nursing school Fall of 2011 and graduated my school's LPN program the end of August this year.  Then life happened (L visit, C birthday, divorce, ex's attempt at suicide, etc) so I just put off taking the exam until a "better" time.  What a joke that was!  The weekend before my exam I had two tests due and a paper, not to mention all my other homework.  Oh well!  I took my exam yesterday and am now rather impatiently awaiting the results.  Most of my class that has taken their exam already got their passing results back within hours of finishing.  I've already been waiting over 24 hours.  Only one of my classmates had to wait a long time to find out that she passed, the other one that had to wait failed.  So I'm basically looking at a 50/50 chance here and I'm constantly stalking the Department of Health's website, refreshing every couple hours (during business hours) to see if my license status has been changed to "Active" which indicates a passing grade for the exam.  Its nerve wracking let me tell ya!

And then there is the biggest, most exciting thing to happen in my life since the birth of my children.  Something I have been hoping for, and dreaming about for years.  L is finally making the move out here and the train will be depositing her into my life and my arms in 25 days.  Only 25 days!!!  I've got so much to get accomplished before she gets here, mostly decluttering to make room for her stuff, and I just don't think I have enough time.  The day she gets on her train will be the day after my last final for fall quarter, which means those two days she's on that train making her way across the country to me, I will be scrambling like a mad woman to make sure everything is ready for her permanent arrival into my life.  I am so stinking giddy its ridiculous, but I'm also losing my mind.  I so desperately want it to be December already so that I can see her again, so that our life together can officially start.

For the past few months I have felt like I've been stuck in some awful kind of limbo.  My relationship with the ex was over but L was still so very far away, and nursing school was finished but I wasn't licensed yet.  Even when things nearly crumbled around me with the ex's attempted suicide and L came out to be with me for a while, I still felt stuck in limbo.  When she left in September the next time I saw her was supposed to be when she moved out here, I wasn't ever supposed to have to put her back on a plane and ship her off again.  But I did, and it was horrible.  And now, only 25 days away from her arrival, I'm sitting here banging my head against the figurative wall in utter impatience.  I still may not be employable (aka licensed) by the time she gets here, but at least the most amazing part of my life will finally be able to move forward even if another very important part is still stuck in the mud.

Please please PLEASE let the waiting go quickly!  I just want to wake up every morning next to, and go to bed every night with, my Love.  (And it would be nice to finally be a licensed nurse too!)

Inescapable guilt

How can I feel so guilty and so happy at the same time?  Two nights ago, L gave me a rough date on when she will finally be moving out here and I literally had to restrain myself from getting up and jumping for joy.  She had nearly as big a smile on her face as I did so I know she was happy too.  Then today she told me she gave her two weeks notice at her job.  It was her first real step at wrapping things up where she's at so she can move and it really hit her hard.  She is leaving her hometown, her friends, her job, everything.  All to be with me.  And I feel guilty as shit because I am just so happy that she will be here soon.

If I could be the one moving I would do it in a heartbeat.  I love my friends here but I see most of them so rarely it really wouldn't make a huge difference if I left except for with a few.  My mom's family, most of them probably won't accept me anyway (except my mom and a couple cousins) so why worry about missing out on family holidays we won't be welcome at anyway.  School, I can go to school anywhere.  Heck, once I'm licensed I can get a job anywhere.  There is only one concrete thing holding me to this state and its the one person that should have absolutely no hold on me at all anymore.  The ex.  If he wouldn't fight me for the kids tooth and nail I would be gone.  I would have been gone as soon as the divorce finalized.

But no, instead of being free to move where I want to its L that has to make the sacrifices and move across country to a town where the only people she knows are me, my kids, and my mom.  Her cousins lives a couple hours away, but that still isn't close enough for daily interaction or quality time with people she knows.

I feel like I'm dragging her away from everything she knows and that what I have to offer in return, while something we've both wanted for a long time, just isn't a fair trade.  I'm worried that she will resent moving here.  I'm scared and worried and insecure...  For so long I was the only person that mattered in the ex's life.  He had a few aquaintances from work (when he worked) but no people he'd call real friends.  Once he wasn't working even those people dropped off his radar, so I was it.  His whole social life revolved around me.  Sure we had C & R too, but as far as adult conversation/interactions go toddlers just don't count.  I guess I've gotten used to having to be everything for somebody and that knowing L is actually capable of, and willing to, make friends and I'm worried that if she doesn't make more friends once she's here that I won't be enough for her.

And with all this worrying and guilt, I feel even more guilt because this shouldn't even be about how I feel.  She is the one stuck moving, not me.  So where the heck do I get off thinking that my feelings even matter in this situation?  Its just a ridiculous cycle that I can't escape tonight and its all because I'm just so incredibly happy that in a few weeks we will finally be together.

On top of all the lovely feelings involved with L's move, there are more lovely feelings associated with the ex thanks to a conversation/fight/whatever we had tonight.  I don't know how to act with him.  Some days he's friendly and open like he still wants to try working on getting back to some semblance of a friendship.  And then there are days like the past few where he hasn't hardly said two words to me except, "Can I talk to them?" (obvioiusly meaning C & R). 

Then today we found out his mother died this morning, so I called to see if he was okay and he basically told me not to bother asking.  When he called to talk to the kids tonight I tried asking him again if he was okay and he hung up on me.  After that I left him a message explaining how confused I was over the signals he was giving me because one day he tells me he needs me to be his friend and be there for him and then the next he hangs up on me when I ask after him.  Talk about pull out your hair frustrating.

The conversation we had when he called me back in response to my voicemail was complicated and emotionally draining.  The basics are that he's not feeling anything about anything lately except for missing the kids, and I'm feeling way too much.  He's not even upset by the fact that his mother is dead and I'm shutting down because I can't handle everything that has happened in the past year.  And neither of us are talking to anybody because, well, he just doesn't talk to people period, and I only talk to a select few and the one I really needed to talk to tonight was having her own emotional issues because of her upcoming move. 

And here I am back to feeling more guilt because I'm being a crappy mom because I'm shutting down, and I'm being a crappy girlfriend because I'm too chicken to bother L when she's going through stuff of her own, not to mention a crappy girlfriend because since I'm wallowing in my own damn guilt I don't know how to help her with what she's going through...  So frustrating!  And lets not forget the guilt for feeling upset that she didn't say goodnight to me tonight even though she warned me she wasn't in a chatty mood. 

The magic in a rainbow

My gaze kept drifting between the trees rushing past outside the car window and the face of the woman I love in the driver's seat.  Today was a difficult day, I was going home.  My vacation to see her wasn't nearly long enough and I did not want to get on that plane.  We hadn't really talked much since getting in the car and my guess was that she was lost in her own thoughts just like I was. 

 
I will never know what she was thinking about that day, but my thoughts were along the lines of not wanting to lose her again and not wanting to go home to the drama I knew awaited me.  I think what brought me out of my thoughts was the feeling of her thumb rubbing on my hand, and I looked down at our hands and smiled.  There was a little rainbow dancing on our joined hands, moving over our skin as the car followed the contours of the road. 

What happened next, a muttered, "Oh shit!" from L followed by her tearing her hand away from mine so she could steer us to safety, changed my life forever.  We both came out of the accident in one piece thankfully, and I later told her what I'd seen the light doing on our joined hands, but it took me just over six months from the day of the accident to make a connection. 

Now I don't normally make a big deal out of my spiritual beliefs but I think its important here to note that I do not consider myself a Christian.  I have no problems with God, mind you, just many of his followers.  That said, I'm not sure what exactly prompted me to think about it, but as I was driving to the bank today it hit me: God made a promise with a rainbow after the flood that he would never again do something so drastic.

I can't help but wonder if maybe the sweet little rainbow dancing across mine and L's joined hands was a promise too.  A promise that this time the love I have will last, that I won't lose her to my own stupidity again, or that we would survive what was about to happen to us.  I'm not sure.  Maybe it was just a fluke of light shining through the windshield at just the right angle.  The logical part of me says its probably the latter, but the part of me that believes in magic, miracles, and higher powers really wants to believe in the former. 

Rainbows have been considered a sign of hope in many cultures, in others they have been considered a message.  Before the accident I just thought of them as beautiful flukes of nature, light reflecting through water (or sometimes glass/crystal).  I haven't seen one since that day but I'm pretty sure that the next time I do it won't just be a fluke to me anymore, it will be something a bit more magical. 

Intrusion and Forgiveness

The day of the divorce I made this blog public in hopes that somebody going through a similar ordeal as what I went/am going through would find some help from it.  A few days ago I found out that the one person I really didn't want to read it has been doing exactly that.  The ex has (not surprisingly) located my blog and decided that it'd be a good idea to read it, to "check on the kids and family".  Fantastic.  If he wanted to know about the kids he should have asked as very little gets mentioned about them in this blog.  As for his family, well the only family he has left that this blog would tell him anything about is C & R. 

After what he tried two weeks ago I am not at a place in my life where I can consider him family anymore.  I do not have it in me emotionally to relate to him in any way other than as C & R's other biological parent, and maybe as somebody I used to be friends with.  As is my nature, I will always care about him and what is going on with him.  This really truly complicates things for me because my head is telling me to break all ties with him to save myself the drama and further heartache but my heart, my big, soft, ever forgiving, and loving heart...  I wouldn't be who I am without my tendancies to care too strongly and too much but in this particular situation my brain wishes I could at least put a damper on those tendancies.

How do I leave my fears and anxiety of two weeks ago (and the 5ish years of abuse) behind and move on when I still care so damn much what happens to him?  I want him happy and healthy and in a good place in his life so he can be a part of his kids' lives.  Yet at the same time, until he is in what I consider at least a better place in his life I can't help but want to have minimal contact with him.  Yes, maybe this is harsh and me punishing him.  Maybe this is me thinking only about me.  Maybe me, on the day he tried to end his life, saying that I wished he'd turn out to be a dead-beat dad was a heartless thing to say.  But damnit, I just want to be free of the drama that always seems to happen between us.  If we can someday exist in each other's orbits without causing some sort of drama for the other person or our kids then maybe I will be able to finally let go.

Until the day comes when I can finally leave all of this heartache behind I will keep working toward forgiveness.  I can forgive him for everything that happened (eventually) but I will never forget what happened because I don't want to forget the lessons its taught me.  Those lessons are helping me see who I have the potential to be if I just have faith in myself.  I am strong enough to deal with all of this, I will be able to move on someday.  It may take me a long time, but I will get there.

Exhausted and missing Her.

It rained, we snuggled, it was perfect.  I see much more of
this in our rainy NW future.

Its been a week since the ex pulled his stupid stunt and L came out on an emergency rescue mission (2 days after) to make sure I was okay and to help me while I tried not to crumble, and today I once again put her back on a damned plane.  Medically/physically the ex is fine now but he's doing a voluntary stay at the hospital's psych unit for at least a few more days.  To say the last week has been a blur is a major understatement.  Between the drama of last Sunday, the worry all day Monday and into Tuesday, then my day in Seattle waiting for L's flight to get in the beginning of the week was completely shot which threw off the rest of my week too.  I know I missed one test this week and I'll have to beg forgiveness and hope the instructor will let me take it late.

At this very moment I am laying in my bed alone, dead tired, and unable to sleep because I am alone.  Despite the circumstances for why she came out to visit, having L here was a nice treat and now that she isn't here I am more aware of her absence than ever.  This damn long distance crap hurts more and more every time I say goodbye to her even though I know the time that we will finally get to be together for good is getting closer every day.  I'm not sure what I'm feeling even qualifies as inpatience anymore. 

L is my person and I need her here.  I don't just need her here to help me cope with the hard stuff, or help with the kids so I can do my darn schoolwork.  I just need her here to share my darn life with.  Simple things like snuggling on the couch, talking about our day in person (such a novel concept!), or even just doing chores around the house together.  That is how life with somebody you love is supposed to be, not split up by thousands of miles for days, weeks, or months at a time.  I have no idea how my military friends handle deployments because this is absolute torture.

And, as if saying goodbye to her at the airport isn't normally a teary-eyed affair when its just the two of us, this time we had the kids in tow (so I could take them to see their dad on our way home) as well.  They were not happy to say goodbye to L at all and after we'd all said our goodbyes and I pulled the car away from the curb of the departures area, the kids started bawling.  C was begging me to go back and get her and R was just inconsolable.  Way to make a mommy's heart crumble guys, you completely shattered it.  They don't get that worked up about anybody but L.  Not me, not their dad, not their Mimi (my mom), not even their friends.  Only L.  To say that they love her is a huge understatement.  The day I don't have to explain to them why she had to leave again is going to be amazing.  Hell, the day I don't have to explain to myself why she had to leave again is going to be amazing.

How do I deal with this?

Without going into all the background of it, the Ex attempted suicide this morning and if I hadn't called the cops on a hunch (wasn't sure if he was serious or trying to push my buttons when he told me he was going to do it) the kids would no longer have their dad.  As it is I'm still not sure if he's going to make it because the ICU docs just don't have any answers for me yet because they don't even know how his body is going to handle the large doses of meds he took.

I wanted him in my life less than he was insisting on.  I was honestly hoping he'd wind up a dead-beat dad and just move away, maybe calling on birthdays and holidays.  I never wanted this.  Never.  He always joked about dying at 35, and his 35th birthday was a few weeks ago so he's actually been joking about it more but that's all I thought it was.  Apparently not.

Right now my emotions range from angry at him for being so stupid, to devastated that I may have to someday explain to C & R that their daddy killed himself, to just absolutely lost.  I was walking around in circles earlier trying to figure out what to do and had to just make myself stop, breathe and focus on one thing at a time.  Get left overs out of the fridge for dinner.  Get a bowl for the food.  Get a fork....  You get the point. 

As of right now the only thing I know for certain is that if he pulls through this I'm going to try and get the parenting plan modified.  If he is not even capable of taking care of himself he sure isn't capable of taking care of two small children on his own for half the week.  If he wants the same plan we have now where he gets the kids for half the week he's going to have to work for it.  He is obviously in need of some kind of psychiatric help, he needs a stable home (is getting evicted from his apartment tomorrow), and dang it he needs income so that he can keep his new place so I guess that means he needs a job since his college/financial aid fell through.

I'm not sure what I'm going to request the modifications be except for no overnights, and no alone time until all of the stuff I listed is met.  I absolutely can NOT risk him taking them with him the next time he decides life is too hard.

I think for now I'm not really going to deal with any of this.  I'm going to drink my glass of wine, aimlessly browse tumblr or pinterest until L gets home from her night of not dealing with all this, and then I can hopefully get on skype with her.  A little visual reassurance that she's in one piece and healthy (if a bit drunk) is much needed at the moment.

Its Final

The near disaster today in court was averted by an embarassing show of emotion on my part and a very sympathetic and understanding judge.  Because the Ex never completed the state required parenting class we almost had to delay the divorce another month to give him time to do so.  Only, when the judge saw how defeated I was at hearing that she asked a few questions of me then talked a bit more to him before deciding that she didn't want to punish me simply because he didn't get his act together on time.  As it stands now, the divorce went through and is final but he has until the middle of October to complete the class or he has to go back into court and find out what the judge has to say to him.  She informed him that she could decide to revoke his visitation or even go so far as to give him some jail time if he didn't get it done.

Anyway, once all was said and done today in court both he and I got what we wanted.  I got the divorce finalized and he got the protection order dropped.  I am officially no longer legally tied to my abuser except for the fact that I happen to share my children with him 3-4 days per week.  Its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing this, yet at the same time I still feel like not much has changed.  And probably not much will change until L's arrival in December unless he does something incredibly stupid like not completing the parenting class.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

On a little side note, today I am also finally making this blog public.  I didn't want to have it public before simply so that he couldn't use anything I said or thought against me in court if he so chose.  Now that he can't use it against me I'm putting this out there for the world.  Or at least hopefully somebody in a situation similar to mine who is hoping to find out that they aren't the only person going through the ordeal of dealing with spousal sexual assault.

Starting in one week

In one week the divorce will be final.  I will be free.  Free from him anyway.  I will still have all the normal mom obligations and college student woes and of course I will still be missing L.  In one week I will also finally be able to really truly say I'm in a relationship with L.  Now don't get me wrong, I've been calling her my girlfriend for months and meaning it.  But at this point, with the exception of a select few, if somebody knows I'm getting divorced but that it isn't final yet I haven't volunteered information about my relationship unless they asked if I've found somebody new.  I'm not ashamed of my relationship with L, far from it.  Its just I haven't been ready to deal with society in general disapproving because I "jumped into" a new relationship so fast on top of the fact that the relationship is with a woman.  Dealing with one of those at a time is enough for me.

Speaking of dealing with society's opinions on my new relationship...  I don't want to hide who I am, or who we are as a couple, or that she is going to be helping me coparent and will be the kids' other mommy.  I'm just not sure how to go about everything outside of our private life at home or among friends/family.  The town she's from is super conservative and she could get bullied horribly if we were to walk down the street or through the store holding hands.  I honestly don't think its that bad here, but I'm not sure where her comfort level is.  I would happily hold her hand walking through the store, or walking in the park with the kids and the dog.  I hate having to curb my behavior with her just because of what other people may think, even the thought of it makes me grumbly.

And then there is the matter of family.  As I've said before, a good portion of my family will completely dissapprove.  This will throw a wrench in holidays and get togethers, at least with my mother's side of the family.  I don't want to hide her, or our relationship, from them but I also don't want to lose the connection I have just started rebuilding this year.  I also have no idea how to tell them that I am dating a woman.  Its so frustrating!  I hate that people can't just accept that love is what matters, not what parts the two people in love were born with.  The parts of her family that I've met so far have all been amazingly warm and accepting and I can't want to spend more time with them in the years to come.  They already feel like family to me and I barely know them.  Funny how that works isn't it?  That people you barely know, but who accept you whole heartedly, are more family than those you are related to by blood who dissapprove of you in some way. 

I've already told a handful of my friends about L and I.  Again, as I've mentioned before, some were shocked I was even "that way" and others were just happy for me, no questions asked.  So far I haven't lost any friends for being bi/gay/whatever.  But once the divorce is final I do intend to work on telling the rest of my friends and the family members I'm fairly certain won't freak out on me and that makes me a bit nervous.  I don't know how to go about it in the best way.  I mean, one way or another they are going to figure it out (unless they are completely oblivious).  Either I will tell them outright, or come December when L moves here they will notice changes to my posts on Facebook.  Our Christmas photos are going to have her in them, other random pictures are going to have her in them, my status updates will change from, "The kids and I," to, "The kids, L, and I,".  How are people not going to notice the difference?  But will they figure it out and just start ignoring me or unfriend me?  Or will they have the courage to ask me about how my new relationship is going and be genuinely happy for me when I get a big cheesey grin on my face?

Whatever the outcomes it won't matter.  L will be here with me in a few months and we will finally get our chance to live the life we talked about so many years ago.  The miracle in that never ceases to amaze me.  I finally get my chance to love her unconditionally and without hiding it from anybody.  She is my person, my favorite, and my future.

Weekend in the city, and more

While I love my island home, every now and then its really nice just to be able to get away.  This weekend I actually get the chance to do that and I'm loving every darn minute of it.  L is here again, and we are staying in a hotel in the city for a couple nights to be here for her cousin's wedding.  The same cousin that was so welcoming to me and the kids the last time that L visited.  The kids are actually back at home, with their dad, so this weekend is just for me and L (and obviously the wedding).

L got in last night then we had to rush to her cousin's house for the rehearsal dinner.  While we were there I met L's dad for the first time.  Until the moment the man hugged me I was a nervous wreck, after that whatever worry I had about meeting him (and also her step-mom) just faded away.  He's pleasant to be around, kinda goofy like his daughter, and just genuinely nice.  I'm not sure why I was surprised but I'm glad it went so well.  I just hope he liked me as much as I liked him.

Once we got done with the rehearsal dinner we hung out for just a little bit at L's cousin's house and then we made our way to the hotel where we stayed holed up until the wedding, except for one little outting to a bookstore a couple blocks away.  Being with her has been absolute bliss.  I always miss her once she's gone but once she's back here with me I always remember exactly how amazing things are when she's here.  I have never been in a relationship that feels so natural.  Things have been good with other people, they've even been fun, but I've never felt like I fit so well with somebody before.

The wedding itself was a lot of fun.  The ceremony was beautiful, if a bit wet when the dock it was on started to sink a bit from all the people.  The reception was loud and crowded and just general good spirited chaos.  I had a couple moments where I really started to get anxious (darn crowds of loud people I don't know!) so we just went outside for a bit.  After her parents left, we both had some wine which helped us both relax a bit.  I even managed to get her to take some pictures with me in the photo booth and dance with me.  While we were dancing she even sang, which she swore I would never hear her do.  Needless to say I had an amazing night.

Our weekend didn't last nearly long enough, but once I got her home to the island we all had a great time as a family.  We took the kids to the beach, with my mom and dog in tow as well, then her last night here we ate out at Applebees and holy moley it was amazing. 

Now, if I'd had my way she wouldn't have gotten back on that darn plane but as it stands she will be out here for good in December, before Christmas.  Talk about an amazing Christmas gift!  I would love to go visit her one more time, it would help with the really long gap in seeing each other, but I have a feeling that if I do have any money before she comes back out she's going to tell me not to waste it.  Its what she does.  I just miss her so much and 3 full months after seeing each other every couple, just seems way too long.  I just have to keep reminding myself that 3 months really isn't that long when in the end it means that we will finally be together for good.

What's in a name?

To me, names are about connections with people.  Either the connection to your parents who named you as a baby, the connection to your friends or special someone who have given you a nickname of some sort, or the connection to the family you chose/created when you got married or had kids together. 

Currently, the name I have is one that I love and treasure.  Even the last name which is mine only due to marriage I love.  However, the reasons I love my last name have nothing to do with who I got it from anymore.  The reasons I love it are cute, small, and snuggling with me as I type this.  C and R have that last name and it is a connection we share that I love to be able to point to and say, "See, they're mine."

A few days ago I was told by the STBE, their father, that when the divorce is final I have to change my last name back to my maiden name.  I told him he was crazy.  Yep you read that right, I fully intend on keeping the STBE's last name.  But its not because I want to keep a connection to him, its because I don't want to remove the one I have to the kids.  His argument?  I gave birth to them so I will always have a biological connection to them so I don't need to have the same last name as them just like he didn't have the same last name as his mom when he was growing up. 

Well the reason his mother didn't share his last name was that she had remarried.  If the day comes that I do get remarried its entirely possible that at that time I'll want to take a different last name, especially if the person I'm marrying wants me to.  Until then I want to keep the same one that my children have.  Maybe its not the typical way of doing things for most divorcing couples, and maybe he's going to resent me for keeping a name that he says I have no right to anymore, but for now its how things are going to be and the STBE is just going to have to deal with it.

Chapters' end, chapter's start

A week ago I finished nursing school.  Yep, I actually managed to do it.  In retrospect I'm surprised at how quickly it went because when it started last fall I thought it was going to take forever.  Sure, 1 year is the same time no matter how you look at it, but you know how sometimes things just seem to take longer?  Yeah, I thought it was going to be like that.

So, with that part of my life over I can't help but look to the upcoming months and know that there is so much about to change.  L will be back for a visit in less than 2 weeks (thank goodness!) and this will hopefully be her last visit.  After this she will hopefully be moving here for good.  I can't tell you how excited this thought makes me, words just don't do the feeling justice, but I'm sure you can guess.  Soon the period in my life where the one person I want with me the most is living across the country will be over.

Next month will also see the offical, legal, final end to my marriage and the STBE will actually be the Ex.  This is both a stressfull thing and a relief.  Its stressful because there is so much I need to get done between now and our court date and I'm more than a little overwhelmed.  The thought of the actual court appearance freaks me out too.  What if the judge doesn't like how we've handled things and changes them?  The STBE will throw a fit, not literally I'm sure, and will likely refuse to go through with the divorce unless the judge goes through with what he and I originally agreed on.  Not only does the thought of the divorce becoming some long drawn-out process freak me out for the pure fact of it becoming a long drawn-out process, but more than that it freaks me out because if it does go that way I'm scared L won't move out here after all.  Or at least not as soon as she would if things go smoothly. 

As for the relief caused by the final ending of my marriage, I would think its obvious.  I will no longer be legally tied to my abuser.  If you can't guess, this is huge.  For the past 6 years I have been emotionally abused by this man.  For the past 5 I have been sexually abused by this man.  As of September 26th, if all goes according to plan, I will no longer have to explain to people that my abuser is also my husband.  I will no longer be a statistic, a woman in an abusive relationship who couldn't (or wouldn't) get out.  I will be free.  Sure, there will still be drama between him and I.  When I had kids with him I signed up for life-long drama.  But, even with the drama I won't feel obligated to deal with it because I will no longer legally be 'his'.  Whew!


*bit - please forgive the typo Swype hates me...

With all of those things ending many new things are starting as well, I'm starting a new chapter in my life.  After talking with a good friend tonight for quite a few hours via text I'm pretty sure I want to call this chapter the 'Finally getting everything I've ever wanted' chapter.  She was 100% correct in what she said.  I finally have the education/ability to have a career that I love, instead of a dead-end job that I hate but do anyway because it pays the bills.  My kids truly are amazing, they amaze me every day.  Sure, most days they also drive me absolutely bonkers but they are 2 and nearly 4 so that's kind of expected.  And the relationship I am in now, the real one that I am actually invested in not the legal one, is amazing too.  I have never felt so cherished by anybody I've been in a romantic relationship with.  Never.  L has the patience of a saint dealing with my left over baggage from all my past experiences and I'm pretty sure she even plans to help me unpack that baggage and leave it far behind me so that we can enjoy a long and happy future together.  At least I hope so.  I really, truly hope so.

Raw feelings

Even separated from him, he still manages to make me feel worthless and completely unworthy of love.  Especially of L's love.  His words tonight, "Unless L is f*cking forgiving, she won't stick around long enough to put up with half the sh*t you've put me through over the past 6 years."  And then he went on to explain that comment to mean that all I've ever done is lie to him for the past 6 years we've been together and that I will never stop lying, and that all I'll ever do with L is lie.

I haven't been lying to him.  I haven't been lying to her.  I know that I shouldn't let his words hurt me and mess me up so badly when I know they aren't true but it happens anyway.  It feels like I have been crying since shortly after I got out of bed today and that I've done nothing else.  Stupid me shouldn't have stopped by his house tonight after clinicals to pick up some laundry, but I did.  And he was being moody and I played right into it and we wound up fighting for over an hour and a half, most of that time with me on the verge of tears.

I'm tired of hurting because of him but he wants things I can't give him (me primarily) and when I try to set boundaries he ignores them completely (ie: kisses me completely unwelcomed).  We are supposed to be working on being friends but I honestly don't see this ever happening unless he can learn to live within the boundaries that he thinks I'm putting up just to ruin things between him and I more.  Riiight.  Because the boundaries aren't being put up to keep me sane? 

I mostly want to scream and cry and throw things at the moment.  I don't know how to process all the damn raw emotions he brings out of me.  I want to be in L's arms right now, she makes me feel safe, at ease, and loved and without her here I feel a bit like I'm lost and drwoing in stress and worthlessness.

Dealing with bad days

I'm not sure how other people deal with hard days but all I know is that I just don't.  Those days where everything just seems to upset me by reminding me of all the bad things that have happened and all the good things that I can't have right now.  They're killers and today is one of those days.  I can't stop crying, I can't handle C & R, and the thought of even going to the store to get some much needed groceries is overwhelming.  I want to be alone either with my music blaring just laying in my bed doing nothing, or sitting down at the beach listening to the waves crash and the gulls screeching.  I just need time to think and process things without other bodies vying for my attention. 

Why does this have to be so hard?  Why can't I wait until the day is done and the kids are in bed and the shopping is done for this stupid breakdown I seem to be having?  I'm pretty sure therapy is supposed to help stave off this sort of breakdown but as I haven't been in a while, and the stuff we were doing in our sessions wasn't really teaching me coping techniques anyway, I just don't think its worth the time.  All I know is that I will be going to the store, I will be dealing with my kids, and somehow I am going to stop crying at least while other people can see me.  I have no choice.

I would like to think this is my problem, that I've been strong too long and that is why I'm crying.  It has been a very hard five years and the hard isn't over yet.  I'm still dealing with the STBE on a daily basis and while he says he wants to help me, he only wants to help me on his terms.  Its so frustrating to know that there is somebody that would actually help me if she could be here, that she'd kick me out of the house to go get that alone time if necessary, but that she can't be here.  Not yet. 

I know thats part of my problem today.  I'm missing L horribly.  Since she has left I've had horrible dreams almost nightly, so my lack of sleep is stacking up pretty bad too.  So lack of sleeping, missing my love, and just being generally overwhelmed by normal every day stuff...  There is only so much one girl can take before the strength gets overrun and the tears come whether I want them to or not.

Old holidays, new traditions?

Coming up on the 4th of July sets my brain a buzzing.  Until a couple of months ago, when I made the decision to get a divorce, all of our family traditions were decided jointly by the STBE and myself.  Since making that decision a couple of holidays have passed, Easter, Mother's Day, mine and R's birthdays to name a few and we haven't really celebrated them any differently than in the past (except minus the presence of the STBE) but that doesn't mean we can't.  Until now I've had to temper how I wanted to observe holidays based on what the STBE wanted to do mostly just because he's a big bahumbug when it comes to holidays.  Well, no more!

This doesn't mean I have any grand schemes on new and fun ways to observe the 4th of July, let alone the other holidays, but it does mean that if I come up with something then darn it we'll do it!  Nothing new or grand will probably happen this year, just because of the very limited student budget I'm on currently.  But once I'm working and able to afford some more creative and fun things I think this is really going to be lots of fun.  I'm not wanting to do this just to spend money or basically say "we're better off without you!" to the STBE.  I'm wanting to do this to make fun memories for C & R.  Growing up I didn't have a lot, I was raised by a single working mother myself, but my memories are pretty much all happy ones.  Especially when it comes to the holidays.

Now I will admit that some of the holidays I want to observe with the kids aren't mainstream.  I consider myself pagan and I have in years past very casually noted the changing of the seasons and the other typical pagan holidays.  Some of "my" holidays coincide nicely with "regular" holidays (Easter/Ostara, Halloween/Samhain, & Christmas/Yule) and I've just kind of let them blur into one another so far.  I'm thinking that I may finally have the chance to elaborate a bit on the less mainstream side of them and thats exciting to me.  I have always wanted C & R to be well rounded in the ways of the world and caring tolerant people and I think exposing them to a wider variety of ways that people celebrate the holidays is one way to do that. 

I think my only concern/worry/hesitation in doing this, in elaborating on my own pagan holidays, is actually in regards to L.  She knows I consider myself pagan but I don't think we've really ever had a talk about what that means when it comes to holidays and such.  Its not like I'm a practicing witch or anything but lighting certain color candles or making certain foods on my holidays because of the power those things hold might weird her out a bit.  I'm not sure.  This is probably something we need to talk about but I'm pretty sure it can be saved for once she finally moves out here and we actually have the opportunity to celebrate holidays together.

Differences in parenting.

I have gotten so used to the way that the STBE interacts with the kids that listening to how L is with them, while I'm laying in the bedroom trying to recouperate from endo surgery 2 days ago, just blows my mind.  She is amazing with them.  For the most part they listen to her and when they don't she gently reprimands them instead of yelling at them.  I'm so used to the yelling that the absence of it is deafening.

I know that they are two different people, nothing could be more clear, but still.  How did I let him treat them like that for so long with me just idly sitting by?  Why do I still tolerate it?  I know when they are at his house the STBE still yells at C & R.  All the time.  When the pain was at its worst and the three of us were staying with him I saw it first hand so I know that nothing has changed. 

Knowing the personality differences between L and the STBE I really shouldn't be surprised at how differently they interact with the kids.  I am grateful for them though.  Its nice to think that at least at our house there won't be the constant yelling.  Its nice to know that I will finally have somebody that isn't a walking time bomb to help raise C and R to be something other than more walking time bombs.  Here's hoping that nurture totally outweighs nature with the kids.

The feeling of Home

Home.  What exactly does that one word mean?  Is it a place you live, or where the ones you love live?  Or is it something more?  I think, at least for me, its more.  Its feeling loved and welcome and comfortable among people that matter.  I also think its accepting that you are loved and welcome by those people.  For the longest time I've known that my friends care about me and I've known that my family cares about me but knowing it and accepting it are two different things.

What sparked this sudden epiphany for me?  First it was my best friend S, then it was L's family.  On Saturday S came over to visit while she was in town for her dad's birthday and she brought me a graduation present, a wall scroll of a picture from one of my favorite artists.  It wasn't just any picture though, it was one that actually means something to me and she knew that which is why she picked that particular one.  May sound silly to some, but that gesture meant a lot to me.

With L's family, who we went to visit yesterday (yes, she is back in town!), I was completely shocked at how openly they welcomed me and the kids.  We weren't just people that L brought along to a family dinner, we were family too.  Wow.  While I hoped to at least be tolerated as somebody important to their cousin I was totally taken off guard when they welcomed us so warmly and at the end of the night sent us off with hugs and promises that we will be spending more time together as a family.  L isn't even living out here yet and already C, R, and I are being included in their family.  To me that is utterly amazing.

Parts of my own family would likely welcome her the same way, in fact one of my aunts has, but none of those people live close enough to actually interact with us on a semi-regular basis.  Not even my own mother has acted that way with her.  She's slowly warming up to the idea but she's being cautious I think mostly because she doesn't want to see me get hurt again so soon after the STBE, but also because of the fact that L is a woman.  Oh well.  She'll come around I guess.  But the majority of my mom's family won't approve of our relationship and I won't be "allowed" to bring her to family holidays or get togethers.  Its nice to know that with L's family there aren't any restrictions just because of who we are.

I have never felt so at home as I have in the past few days and I am pretty sure some part of me is changing for the better.  The part of me that was scared to let people in because of how I've had to live during the past 6 years, because i had to practically cut myself off from my friends and family because of the drama with the STBE, is getting smaller.  The walls I've put up are getting weaker.  I am finally able to start seeing glimmers of what real happiness is firsthand, what a real existance should be, instead of just observing it in other people's lives.  Thank you S, thank you L, and thank you to L's amazing family.

Signatures

 Hallelujah!

Talk about a long, draining, and headache-inducing afternoon.  But he signed the papers.  I had to compromise on some things, primarily visitation with the kids, but he willingly signed the divorce papers. 

From here I need to take myself down to the county courthouse and file them.  Once they are filed, because he signed them, we only have to wait three months and then the divorce will be final.  I honestly didn't think it would work out like this.  At a couple points I thought for sure that he was going to storm out of the house and refuse to sign them.  If he had I would have finished the papers anyway and just had him served with them but this is better by far.  The process will be faster and he knows what all the papers say and has agreed to everything so he has no reason to fight it when we get our court hearing.

Keeping all my fingers crossed it goes smoothly from here on out.

Getting on track.

So today was graduation from my current nursing program.  I fully intend on going farther with my nursing education but today was step one.  I still have 7 weeks to complete during the summer but those will fly by and then I will be able to take the state exams and work as an LPN.  I feel like I have finally accomplished something career related in my life.  Up till now I have just felt like a complete failure in the education/career department because I never finished college and had only been working retail/hospitality.  It feels really really good.

Now that my career is finally getting on track I need to finish getting my divorce on track.  I was supposed to file the divorce papers last week but just never quite got around to it because of finals and then dealing with really bad pain again.  This coming week I have a couple of appointments but other than that all I have planned is cleaning my house in preparation for L's visit a week from tomorrow (yay!!!).  That should leave plenty of time to get down to the courthouse and file those papers.  I just need to take the time to sit down with the STBE and cross my fingers he'll sign the joinder saying that he agrees to the terms of the divorce.  If he will then we should be legally divorced in 3 months, which will be approximately 3 months before L moves out here.  Yes its cutting things kinda close, I should have taken care of this a long time ago, but at least its getting done now.

Do I think he's going to sign the joinder?  Nope.  He is doing everything he can to make this situation harder now that its actually looking like its going to happen for sure.  He is refusing the parenting plan that he originally agreed to.  He is refusing to sign the papers at all because he says he wanted my wedding rings to save for our kids and I no longer have them to give to him.  He's just being plain difficult.  He claims to want this over as much as I do but he keeps finding reasons to not sit down with me and to not sign the papers.  I'm hoping that he'll stop being so darn stubborn and just do what he promised soon because I need to be done with this myself.  I really need to be done with this.

Slacking blogger plays catch-up.

So, over the past month I have hand written multiple blog posts.  I obviously still haven't gotten around to actually posting them though as the last blog before this one was from almost a month ago.  Why have I not posted them?  Mostly because of the rediculous amounts of time I spent at the STBE's house and he has no internet currently.  Yes, I was staying at his house.  Completely dumb move I know.  This was proved to me on more than one occasion yet I kept staying there.  Why?  Because of the damn pain.  It has been running my life of late, and without his help (which he would only give at his house by the way) the kids would have suffered because of my lack of ability to do much of anything.

Reasons for the handwritten posts?  Him crossing what I thought was a very clear line and me being scared of falling into old routines/comfort with him because of how much I was staying at his house.  Blah.  Maybe I will post those blogs someday.  For now, I'll just say this:  I am at home now and will not be staying with him again.  I only have 1 more day of class for spring quarter, then I can be a virtual veg if need be because of the pain.  I won't have to try and juggle pain and school work and kids.  Sure, it'll still be hard to balance things, but balancing is a hell of a lot easier than juggling.

Right now, my real reason for posting tonight, I can't get L off my mind.  If this comes as a surprise to you just stop reading and hit the "Next Blog" button at the top of the page.  For those of you still left, let me elaborate a bit.  I have loved her for a very long time, and tonight I found out the date that I actually told her I loved her for the first time.  It has been almost 6 years that we have admitted to being in love with each other.  Only 3 days after C's birthday we will hit that 6 year mark.  This blows my mind. 

If you're wondering how I found out the date, L told me.  She had been keeping a handwritten journal at the time and found the entry that she wrote about me telling her.  Her bringing up her old handwritten journal gave me a thought and I tracked down my old secret LJ account and (somehow!) remembered the password for it.  I scrolled down until I found posts that were about her.  One of the posts I had was basically a log of some of our more touching conversations.  I would just copy them and save them to that journal entry, updating it as new conversations happened.  It was both fun and a bit heartbreaking going down memory lane.  Among those saved conversation logs was a message from her telling me about her (at the time) secret blog and she gave me the link.  Did I visit the link?  You bet.

If my posts in my Livejournal were fun, yet heartbreaking, hers were mostly just heartbreaking.  Some had nothing to do with me and so I skipped them, but all of the ones having to do with me I read.  Most of them were very hard for me to read because I remember feeling guilty at the time, for how things were between us at the time, and I know how guilty I feel now about how things happened between us after she stopped writing those blog posts.  She tells me not to feel that way, but I can't help it.  There are also parts of her blog posts that I would love to write answers to.  I would love to be able to write little confirmations that things we thought would never happen have, are, and will.  She is my person, she is my favorite, and I am incredibly blessed that she found it in her heart to forgive me and has decided that she wants to make a life with me.

I love her more each and every day and absolutely cannot wait for her arrival back in WA in 2 weeks.  Its only for a visit this time, but in 6 months it will be a different story.  In 6 months her current lease will be up and she will be free to move here if she still wants.  At first glance it seems like 6 months is so incredibly far away, but then I realize that we have already been talking/together again for 4 months.  Its been hard being away from here for those 4 months but it has been manageable, and the next 6 will be as well.  Still, I can't wait to have the woman I love in my arms for good.

I love you L!

More crazy complications in my life

Why is it that when I think I finally have a handle on things that my whole world gets turned upside down again?  Sure, it wasn't easy juggling school, the kids (and sharing them with their father), and being away from L yet I was managing. But now, thanks to the horrendous pain that has taken over my life, both the kids and I are spending a lot of time with the STBE. Considering the past, and the fact that there is a protection order in place, I wouldn't blame you for wondering what I'm thinking. Hell, I wonder what I'm thinking. All I know is that he is willing and able to help me.  If this is indeed endometriosis, then the last time I dealt with all of this I didn't have kids so I was able to be a lot more focussed on myself.  This time with C & R running around, I don't have that luxury.  I need to be able to make sure that both them, and me, are taken care of and unfortunately I'm not able to do that when the pain is at its worst.  That is where the STBE comes in.

Last night all three of us stayed the night with the STBE at his place. Yep, you read that right.  Why?  Because I couldn't get off the couch becaue the pain was so awful.  There was no way I could have taken care of the kids last night without his help.  Is this going to become a regular thing?  I hope not, but if we aren't able to figure out what is causing the pain then I'm going to continue needing help and he has said he is willing to give it.  Am I okay with this?  I'm not sure.  Accepting help from somebody I'm not sure I even trust anymore is really really hard.  If C & R weren't in the picture I can honestly tell you I wouldn't be doing it.  Is L okay with me spending the night at the house of the man who raped me?  She doesn't like it because she doesn't trust him anymore than she can throw him, but she is glad that there is somebody who can help me while she is so far away even if it is him.

Basially the situation is just really weird and more than a little complicated. I have to say though, since we've been spending so much time here, he has been nothing but a gentleman towards me.

A long forgotten nightmare

I'm scared to give word to this.  If I do, then maybe it will become truth once again instead of just being a long forgotten nightmare.  I'm having abdominal pain.  Sometimes its a low achey pain, other times it feels like somebody is stabbing me.  I'm nowhere near due for my cycle to start, and even if I was it isn't that kind of pain.  I was hoping that maybe it was just a problem with my digestion but I have no other symptoms leading me to really believe that anymore.  One of the hazards of being a nursing student, I know what signs and symptoms are actually related to digestive issues and the ones I'm having just aren't.

So, you're wondering what is this big scary thing I don't want to give a name to?  What is it I'm so afraid of?  Endometriosis.  Why is this so scary to me?  I don't have time to deal with the body crippling pain I went through last time around.  I have two kids and am in nursing school, how does that leave me time to deal with that kind of pain?  It just doesn't.  I don't want to be rocking myself to sleep in the fetal position every night and I don't want to be walking down the hall or standing in the kitchen cooking and fall to my knees in agony.  I don't want to be scared of anybody touching me because it will likely trigger an episode, especially if the touch is intimate in any way.  I don't want another relationship to crumble down around me because of my complete inability to deal with anything except the pain that is wracking my body.

Aside from the pain that comes with endo(metriosis) are there are other things that can happen to a woman's body that have me scared out of my mind.  Scarring around a womans reproductive organs from the endo lesions can cause infertility.  Yes I already have two amazing children but that doesn't mean I don't want more.  And if the news the STBE dropped on me yesterday is any indication, I may very well have a much harder time getting pregnant next time.  Something I either don't remember because I was still groggy from the anesthesia, or the doc just forgot to tell me, but after I had to have a D&C for a miscarriage he asked my husband if I'd had endo because there was some visible scarring.  That surgery was five years ago, three years after my endo surgery at which time there was no evidence of scarring.  As endo can grow and spread without pain (in some cases) it can cause a lot of damage without anybody knowing it and it sounds like between the time of my endo surgery and my D&C my endo had come back and had been 'nice' to me by not hurting me this time.

I only found out about the scarring from the STBE yesterday because while he was here to do his laundry he saw me as the pain hit during a particularly stabby episode.  He asked the normal, "is your period supposed to start soon" question to which I answered "no" which is when he jumped to the endo possibility.  Endo is supposed to go into remission (and often goes away completely) when a woman is pregnant or not otherwise having a cycle.  Between being pregnant and breastfeeding with both C & R, my body was on a no cycle rest for almost four straight years.  I would have thought that would be more than enough time for the endo to be completely gone.  It seems that it may not have been and I am not okay with that at all.

I had an early miscarriage the beginning of March, after the right amount of time for the baby to have been concieved the night that the STBE hurt me.  I can't help but wonder now if I lost that baby because of the known hormonal issues I have during pregnancy or if it was because of the endo.  Was that the last baby I will ever have?  I'm scared of dealing with the pain again, but I'm terrified of the possibility that I will never again have the joy of feeling new life growing inside me.

When to draw the line?

How do you determine just when and where to draw the line with an ex?  What boundaries shouldn't be crossed with somebody that knows you so well, that was part of your life for so long?  I suppose it depends on the nature of the break-up; what the reasons were behind it and how well it went over with the person being left behind.  The STBE did something to me (on more than one occaison) that was just utterly unforgiveable and in the end I got a protection order against him to keep him away from me, and he got so mad at me for it because he thinks that I was "never abused" by him.  Obviously there should probably be some pretty strong lines drawn, and some pretty rigid boudaries in place, between us yet for whatever reason there just aren't. 

You are probably asking why I got the protection order if I'm not taking advantage of it and using it to give myself those boundaries that I need and want.  Thats a good question.  Honestly its just because of convenience that I'm ignoring it.  We have nobody to act as our go-between when it comes to C & R so we have to exchange them in person, either him coming to get them or me droppping them off etc.  This also means that he calls and texts me whenever he feels like it.  At first that was mostly about the kids but now its just all the time, about anything.  I'm getting super frustrated with this but I feel like its already too late to do anything about it.

I think if we were able to keep our interactions to a minimum, regarding only the kids, then maybe I'd be okay with not 100% sticking to the protection order.  As it is though, he has invited me to stay the night if I've had a stressful day, he talks almost constantly about his new lady friend and how he's charming her off her feet and into bed, he knows that I want nothing to do with him (especially sexually) yet he has offered that when I want more kids that he'll be the donor...  The lines aren't just blurred, they've been totally obliterated.  What do I do?

With R's second birthday coming up in just under three weeks my choices are rather limited.  I know he wants to come to her party, I know he'll be devastated if he can't.  I know he wants me to drop the protection order.  Yet I want to tell him to just leave me alone.  I want to explain to him that he's hurting and confusing me more and more every time I see him and to stop trying to build a friendship between us because I am nowhere near ready for something like that yet.  Hell, I HAVE tried explaining this to him yet he just ignores what I'm saying and pleads his case that "its better for the kids if we are friends."  And damnit, he's right.  It is better for them to see us interacting in a friendly manner. 

Unfortunately, there is friendly, and then there is "friendly," and he is leaning more towards the second option.  He says he doesn't want me anymore because he's falling in love with somebody new, yet he still says things to me that feel like he's trying to convince me that the choice I made was a mistake.  I know in my heart that I made the right choice, I have absolutely no doubts.  I hate him for what he did to me and I would honestly be happiest if he would just suddenly decide he wanted nothing to do with me and the kids so we could go about our lives without him in it.  But we're stuck with him.  And this means I'm stuck with his damn inappropriate offers and flirting.  My complete inability to deal with confrontation makes it impossible for me to utilize the protection order, let alone do something as simple as tell him to knock the sh*t off.

I know that I need to work on this, setting boundaries with him, but I'm just not able to yet and I'm worried that by the time I have the ability it will be too late.

A little less uncertainty

Yesterday was possibly the most terrifying thing to ever happen to me. Sure I've been in scary situations before, dealt with tough things in my life, but nothing has ever outright shaken me to my core like that. I hope to never experience anything like that again, but I'm relatively young and I am well aware that there is still plenty of time in my life for things to happen. All I know is that if I ever have to go through something like that again I want L at my side like she was yesterday.

If you had asked me yesterday before the wreck if L was going to become a permanant part of my life I honestly couldn't have told you. Her joining our family, becoming a parent to two kids that aren't hers, was really intimidating for her. Loving me wasn't, but making that huge decision was just something she needed to think about. Last night as we were trying desperately to calm down and get some rest we talked and cried and just tried to heal. While we were talking I worked up the nerve to ask her something that came to mind, something I was scared to ask but hoped for more than anything, I asked her if she still had to make her decision. Her answer? No. That made me both more nervous and more hopeful so I had to clarify and the answer she gave me still makes me smile. She will be with me, with C & R, she will become part of our family.

Not sure when exactly she'll me moving to live with us, likely around the time her current lease is up in December (which is too far away for both our tastes), but the important part is that she will be. She will be more than just "mine bisitor" to C and more than just a really nice snuggle buddy to R. Losing that bit of uncertainty in my life is not only a huge relief but a huge sense of happiness. Someday in the coming months my heart will be whole and in one state again, rather than separated across half the country. I can't wait.

Until that time, to ease some of my anxiety of being away from her in case of emergencies L has offered to give her roommate my phone number and email. He's a great guy, the little bit I got to see him on my visit I really liked him, and I'm sure that he will let me know if something ever happens to her. Here's hoping he never has to use that information. I've also told her I'd give my mother her email and phone number too for the same reason because at 3.5 years and nearly 2 years neither C or R are old enough to let L know. Despite Mom's initial reservations regarding my relationship with L I'm pretty confident that she'll do what I ask when it comes to this if for no other reason than that she'll know how important it will be to me. Again, here's hoping she never has reason to use the information.

Anyway, yay for finally having things a little less uncertain in my future and looking like I might actually get my happy ending. I love you L, so very very much.

Perspective

I got it handed to me today. Or more like thrown in my face as the back end of a camper came flying at us from oncoming traffic as the truck hauling it plowed into the back end of a UPS truck. Thank all the gods that L's reflexes are so good or we could have been seriously hurt. As it is only the rental car and a mailbox were victims on our end. The drivers of the UPS truck and the truck that was hauling the camper, however, both got hauled off to the hospital.

We were on the way to drop me off at the airport for my flight home and needless to say I'm not flying out today after all. Instead I'm parked on her couch with my music blasting while she's down on her front porch trying to calm down. We are both incredibly shaken and I know we are both grateful that we are both safe and not hurt. It could have been so much worse though. As it was a piece of the UPS truck flew off and hit the rental car windshield and if it had been just a little bit higher it could have come through rather than just bouncing off. If it had come through... The possibilities from that point on scare me shitless.

After everything we've been through to get to this point I very possibly could have lost her. And that isn't okay with me. We had a really long talk last night and while it wasn't exactly pleasant it was much needed. Durin that talk I told her flat out that I never wanted to lose her again and I just almost did. Only 5.5 hours ago that damn camper jacknifed into our lane and I nearly lost my love.

It was awful not being able to talk to her because of the STBE and its so hard not having her in my life on a daily basis but to lose her for good? I have all the dreams and wishes about a future with her and those almost got stolen from me in the blink of an eye because somebody wasn't paying enough attention. Her and I aren't certain for sure where our relationship is going but when all is said and done I want her with me for the longhaul. If that involves marriage somewhere down the line, okay, if it doesn't thats fine too. If it involves having children together, great, if not then okay. All I know is that I want her with me, loving me, loving C & R, and not being so damn far away.

I am now scared to death something horrible is going to happen to her while I'm in WA and I won't be here to be with her. Who would know to contact me? Even if anybody did, would they know how? Why does my love, my heart, have to live so far away from where I have to stay because of the STBE's stubborness (won't let me move with C & R) and my school? My heart is being torn in two between my littlest loves and the amazing woman I have loved for so long.

Slowly but surely.

My heart has long belonged to L and while I am totally at ease with that, letting people know the precise nature of our relationship still makes me nervous. After the almost disaster of the STBE outing me to my mother (she was shocked and a bit standoffish at first but is coming around) I have slowly been telling some of my friends. Some of them are immediately happy for me that there is somebody in my life that makes me happy and treats me right regardless of the fact that that person is a woman. Some are surprised to find out that I'm "like that" but they've been pretty non-judgemental too so that's okay.

You would think, based on the reactions I've gotten so far, that telling everybody else wouldn't be so intimidating but it is. But the fact of the matter is that aside from my mother, who I didn't even tell myself, I've only told people I thought would be at least tolerant of my relationship with L if not outright accepting. So, from here on out the outcomes of me telling people are going to start getting unpredictable. A few people in my family on either side will be understanding and accepting of this new part of me, most of my mom's family won't be. I'm hoping that my friends will all be at least open to the idea of me being in a relationship with a woman but only time will tell once i get the nerve to actually come out to them.

I think part of my hesitation with telling people is that not only is the divorce not final yet, but until it is L doesn't want to make any permanent decisions or arrangements for our relationship (like one of us moving to live with/closer to the other). I understand her thoughts on this, but it just adds to the uncertainty that seems to be running my life lately. So, with there being nothing absolutely certain between us its hard to even think about telling people just on the off chance that things don't work out for whatever reason. It feels weird not telling people about the wonderful new relationship in my life but there are so many people out there that just don't approve of two women loving each other, I can't help but be nervous.

Sooner or later I will come out to the rest of my friends and the family that won't judge, but its going to be a slow process. Until then I will have to just enjoy the visits with my "friend" be they her flying out here or me flying to her (like I will a week from today!).

Heartbreaking day

I have been so excited for this day to come, the start of Spring Quarter! Only it started off really, really bad... My good friend, the woman who was my doula for R's birth, called me this morning to tell me that the baby she had been carrying for 17 weeks had passed away and that she was in labor. She asked me to double check and make sure he school knew (we're both in the same Nursing program) and to let our classmates know. Of couse I told her I would, and as soon as I hung up the phone I had to fight back tears.

I somehow managed not to cry at all today until I saw her post on facebook that the baby had been a girl. The girl she has dreamed about for so long. The baby she will never get to watch grow up is he girl she had been hoping for with all her heart. Her name was beautiful and perfect. She will be very missed.

And while this is the worst part of my day by far, I've been exchanging emails with the STBE regarding visits with the kids and him watching them while I'm at clinicals and such and in one of his emails he mentioned wantin to take the kids on a trip around the same time I want to go visit L. I told him that if we could coordinate our trips then it would probably work out better for everybody. The email he sent me back was rude and kinda got to me. Him telling me I didn't need to "hide" her (meaning L) and that he just wanted to be done with this garbage and get the divorce papers signed. Garbage. Well, it probably shouldn't bother me but it does. Having our marriage called garbage by the man who swears up and down that he never abused me... Grr.

Anyway, just needed to vent my heartbreak and frustration today. Not much else going on.

Climbing the mountain...

...of darn paperwork! Good heavens! Whoever it was that decided that they needed to kill an entire forest for divorce papers needs to be shot. Or at least better educated on the ill effects of deforestation on our planet. You think I'm kidding? Request a packet from your local lawyer and you'll see what I mean.

Anyway, that is the task I have decided to tackle today. Filling out the mountain of papers to the best of my ability and then leaving the rest for whenever the darn volunteer lawyer decides I'm worth her time to actually call back and make an appointment with. Just because she works from home and on a volunteer basis doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice for her to call me back and at least acknowledge that I've returned her call and that she'll eventually get around to seeing me. To say I'm frustrated with the entire situation would most definitely be an understatement, but as she is a volunteer and will be handling this all for free I guess I can't get too grumbly.

Not really a whole lot else going on here I guess. Except that the kids saw the STBE yesterday for the first time in two weeks yesterday. Before going yesterday our oldest, C (who is 3.5), was saying how he didn't want to see daddy so I told him that daddy loved him and wanted to see him and play with him. Then, when they came home, he refused to come in the house because he didn't want me. Ouch. I don't know if the STBE told C anything to make him say that and carry on the way he did or if it was just "normal" toddler confusion over the whole situation. Either way it broke me heart and just added to yesterday's other woes.

Also, I've pretty much decided that the end of April or beginning of May I will be taking a solo trip out to see L. The next time she would be able to fly out here wouldn't be until probably mid-June and that is just too far away for either of us. I will have to do some very creative budgetting to make it work, and beg either my mother or the STBE (or both) to watch the kids while I'm gone, but I need to go. I have been in need of a vacation for years and this seems like the perfect reason to finally take one. Going through a divorce and having your #1 support person thousands of miles away just isn't very conducive to a fully functional and sane existence. While she was here I felt so much more at ease and was able to just roll with things as they came my way. And, if needed, I'd vent or cry and she'd talk to me and hold me and things would get better.

Well, it seems my temporary silence has ended, C & R are waking up from their naps, so I better tuck away the mountain and get back to reality.

A bittersweet week

Going into this week I knew it was going to be an emotional rollercoaster yet for some reason it still completely overwhelmed me. I'm running on E and its only Thursday... To start off, C was sick all weekend and I was excited about L's visit and stressing out about my final exam for the 2nd quarter of nursing school. C only continued to get worse all weekend, L arrived safe and sound and I totally bombed my exam. And that was all just the weekend/Monday.

Tuesday was another crazy day because it was my final eval appointment with my advisor for nursing school and I totally thought I had failed out but I somehow managed to squeak by with a passing grade for the whole quarter thanks to my other test scores. Tuesday was also my first therapy appointment to help me heal from everything that happened between the STBE and me and that was incredibly draining. She has decided that I likely have PTSD and depression. Joy. L's visit was going great, the kids absolutely LOVED her (like mama like kiddos I suppose). I have never felt so immediately comfortable with anybody in my life. She knows me like she knows a favorite book, can read my moods, and darn near my thoughts, before I do. And she is just so incredibly big hearted and understanding. The total opposite of what I'm used to. Some people may be inclined to call what I have with her a "rebound" relationship but I really don't think it is. How could it be when we have known each other for so long, and loved each other for almost as long? As she puts it, we just took the rediculously long detoured way of getting together. And together we are, though I'm not sure we're going to even put a name to our relationship right now because things are just too complicated.

Wednesday was the court hearing for the permanent protection order. It passed, but the supervised visits did not. The STBE can visit the kids unsupervised whenever we arrange it. I'm not okay with this but I have no choice in the matter. My only comfort is that because of the protection order the state is now aware of the situation and if the STBE tries leaving with the kids or keeping them from me he can get in a lot of trouble. While I was in court, L stayed at home with the kids and when I came back I found the three of them snuggling on the couch, talk about melting my heart. Not too long after I got home I had to take C into the doc's office because he just keeps getting worse. Find out its a virus and nothing she can give us will help make him any less miserable. My poor guy.

Wednesday night/Thursday early morning... Where do I even start? How do I put into words all of the thoughts and feelings from last night and this morning? After we dropped the kids off with my mother (so they wouldn't have to be dragged out of the house at 2:30am), we were going to head to the store to pick up a few things but I made an impromptu trip to the beach because it was sunset and absolutely beautiful. It was also freezing cold so we didn't walk long but found a table to sit at and snuggled and talked for a little while before finally heading back to the car. After that we both got a lot quieter, the fun seemed to go out of both of us because we knew that in a few short hours she'd be back on that plane and neither of us wanted her to go. So, we shopped, we went home and went to bed way early (I'm talking 9pm here) and even though we both knew we should be sleeping we talked for a little while. I cried, she held me, and things were generally just hard on both of us emotionally. When our evil alarms finally went off at 2am, getting out of that bed was torture. Not just because we were tired but because of what it meant. She was leaving. Almost as we were ready to leave L finally broke down and cried and it was my turn to hold her.

The rest of the morning and drive to the airport was mostly more of the same, us talking or being quiet as we both thought about her leaving. She snagged a nap in the car on the way and I didn't wake her up until we got there. Dropping her off at the terminal was unbelievably heartbreaking. I never want to have to do that again. The next time she comes out I hope is for good, but only time will tell. She said she has a lot of thinking to do before she makes a huge decision like that, and while I get it I just really don't like the uncertainty. After we said our goodbyes, I watched her walk into the airport and then drove away. Crying. Again. About halfway home I had to stop and get out and walk a bit (was getting drowsy) and saw that she might not be on her plane yet so I called and luckily she wasn't. I got to say goodbye one more time, tell her I loved her again, and I could hear in her voice that she was as heartsick as I was. When we hung up I cried yet again. Yes, I have been a regular waterworks lately. When I finally got back to my empty house (remember, the kids are with my mother) I crawled into bed and snuggled with the shirt she'd left behind. Her scent on that shirt and on her side of the bed I think were the only things keeping me from crying myself back to sleep.

And to end my week, tomorrow the kids get to see the STBE for the first time in 2 weeks and I'm a wreck. C has finally just stopped asking where daddy is and is slowly starting to listen better. This is just going to throw a wrench in all the progress he's made.

Can this week just be over please?