Does it really matter?

Our Family - L, C, R & Me

My adjustment to being an out and obviously queer parent, as opposed to being a passing-for-straight parent, has gone rather smoothly I'd like to think.  There have been a few shocked reactions from family and friends, some other reactions that were less than stellar, but for the most part the people in my life have taken matters in stride.  So what if I want to raise my kids with another woman, no biggie.  They can see that she loves them just as much as I do, so to them it makes no difference what her gender is.

People that we know are generally pretty awesome, and the important ones are totally supportive of our little family.  Every now and then though, we come across new folks.  The first meetings typically have people thinking L and I are sisters since we have the same general build and are both blonde and blue eyed.  Once we clarify for them, though, that we are a couple rather than siblings then that is when the questions start.  The question that is almost always the first to be asked is also the one that bothers me most:  "So, who's kids are they?"  Or, another variation that irks me, "Are you their real mom?"

Normally I stutter and stumble through answering that, because honestly there is no simple way to answer that without slighting L.  In all the ways that matter she is just as much their mother as I am.  Who cares if we weren't a couple when they were born, who cares if I was the one who pushed them out of my body instead of her, and who cares that, yes, they have a dad too and not just a sperm donor?  I mean really, in the grand scheme of things, why does any of that matter?  Not to mention, it isn't really their business anyway.

For the love of whatever you hold dear, people, please don't ask queer parents who the "real" parent is, or who the kids "belong to".  The people that you see with them, the people who are loving them and teaching them, playing with them and caring for their boo-boos, are the people who are parenting them.  It doesn't matter the technical relationship between the parent and the child, what matters is the work put into the relationship and, most of all, love.  Those parents could be one bio mom and one non-bio mom (like in our house), they could be the kids' uncle and his partner, they could be a blended family with kids from both partners, or they could be parents totally unrelated to the kids by blood because the children are adopted.  If the children are loved and well cared for, it really shouldn't make any difference who is parenting them.

L is just as much a real mother to C and R as I am; the only thing missing is genetics and legal paperwork.  And honestly those don't mean nearly as much as the love she and the kids share between them.  The next time somebody asks me who C and R's "real" mom is I'm not going to stumble anymore, the only answer they will get from me is, "Does it really matter?"

Innocent love and compassion.

Today on the way home from picking R up from preschool I was given proof of just the type of girl she is and I couldn't be prouder.

R: "That man with the hat, I just want to hug him!"

Me: I notice a homeless man sitting outside the little corner store we're stopping at and ask her "The man in front of the store?"

R: "Yes! I want to hug him!" She's getting very excited now.

Me: I park the car and as we're walking into the store she holds out her hand to him, he looks to me to make sure its okay and I just smile at him and ask him, "She wants to give you a hug, is that okay?"

The man: With a look of shock and joy on his face he answers, "Of course! God bless her!" And he got a classic R bear hug.

Once inside, R informs me she wants to give him lunch and tells me to get him a sandwich. Instead we get him a loaf of bread and some lunch meat. When we come back out and give it to him, she has a gigantic smile on her face and the man was speechless for a moment before thanking us. I told him it was her idea and he just beamed at her. 

Now, if I haven't mentioned before, R is only 3.5 years old.  And somehow she innately knows that feeding somebody who looks hungry is just the right thing to do and that a hug can brighten somebody's day. I am in awe of my baby girl today.