Complicated life

In my absence this past month I've been working on trying not to fall apart as my life goes through some major changes again.  We are actually going through with the move to CO.  It looks like it may be in as few as 5.5 weeks but could be as many as 8.  Either way its too long though.  L has already left for CO to set up her new job and she started working this week.  Its been great for her in that she likes having something to do with herself, but being apart from our family has been hard on her. 

Truthfully its been hard on all of us.  R seems to be doing the best out of the three of us, she misses L a lot and asks for her on a daily basis, but mostly she's pretty accepting of the whole situation so long as I remind her that L wen to CO to work and find us a new house to live in when we move down there too.  Unlike his sister, C is taking it pretty rough.  He's been extra moody and clingy and strangely shy with strangers and even some people he has known since he was a baby.  His therapist (yep, my 4.5 year old is in therapy for coping problems related to the divorce...) says that he just isn't coping well with yet another person leaving him and that the shyness at least is his way of "stepping out" to clear his head and try and adjust to whatever situation is causing him to be shy.  Silly me opened my mouth and said that sounded just like something I do a lot and from that point on his most recent therapy session was actually a therapy session for me...

I basically got told that if I want my son to learn to cope and to be himself, sensitive and gentle and all, that I need to learn to do the same.  How can I argue with that? I know that L is supportive and wants to help me get back to who I used to be, but its been so darn long that I just really don't even know how to be myself anymore.  Its been too long since I've been allowed to be anything but the person who just shoves their feelings aside as an inconvenience rather than a real part of me.  She also told me that having emotional reactions to things isn't a sign of weakness, just that I am a gentle and sensitive person.  L has said something very similar to that on more than one occasion and while I love her and value her opinion above anybody else's, hearing the same thing from the therapist kind of made it really sink in.  If somebody who didn't know me could read me so well and could pick up on one of my biggest challenges, then it must really be something to try harder to fix.

I've been hoping to find somebody to talk to but there just never seems to be a good fit, I never seem to be able to open up to a therapist the way I can to friends or even a few random acquaintances.  And yet, 8 weeks before we are set to leave, I find somebody.  Just figures!

C will see her maybe 3 or 4 more times before we leave and I strangely find myself hoping that maybe one of those times I will get to talk to the therapist more about me.  I want to get better so I can be a better mom for C and R, so I can be a better girlfriend for L, but with this move and L and I being separated because of her heading down early for work I'm scared that I'm just going to get worse.  My emotions are so tangled lately because of the legal stuff required to move the kids with me out of the state, and I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of packing up our house by myself (for the most part).  Not to mention I'm finishing up Spring Quarter of school and I had to drop a class because I just got so far behind.  There is just so much going on right now, so many complicated things that I am trying to juggle.  I just don't have time to have an emotional reaction to anything, otherwise I'll never get anything done.  I want to scream and cry but at the moment it will serve no purpose.  

If I can just make it through until the truck is unloaded on the other end of this move, then I'll allow myself to react and possibly fall apart.  But I'll be with L again, in our new home, in our new state away from so many of the issues that I've been dealing with for way too long, so what really will there be to fall apart about?  For a little while I would just really like things to be simpler, just so I can get my feet back under me and get my head and my heart back on track for the first time in years.  I'm so incredibly tired of everything being so complicated.

Inescapable guilt

How can I feel so guilty and so happy at the same time?  Two nights ago, L gave me a rough date on when she will finally be moving out here and I literally had to restrain myself from getting up and jumping for joy.  She had nearly as big a smile on her face as I did so I know she was happy too.  Then today she told me she gave her two weeks notice at her job.  It was her first real step at wrapping things up where she's at so she can move and it really hit her hard.  She is leaving her hometown, her friends, her job, everything.  All to be with me.  And I feel guilty as shit because I am just so happy that she will be here soon.

If I could be the one moving I would do it in a heartbeat.  I love my friends here but I see most of them so rarely it really wouldn't make a huge difference if I left except for with a few.  My mom's family, most of them probably won't accept me anyway (except my mom and a couple cousins) so why worry about missing out on family holidays we won't be welcome at anyway.  School, I can go to school anywhere.  Heck, once I'm licensed I can get a job anywhere.  There is only one concrete thing holding me to this state and its the one person that should have absolutely no hold on me at all anymore.  The ex.  If he wouldn't fight me for the kids tooth and nail I would be gone.  I would have been gone as soon as the divorce finalized.

But no, instead of being free to move where I want to its L that has to make the sacrifices and move across country to a town where the only people she knows are me, my kids, and my mom.  Her cousins lives a couple hours away, but that still isn't close enough for daily interaction or quality time with people she knows.

I feel like I'm dragging her away from everything she knows and that what I have to offer in return, while something we've both wanted for a long time, just isn't a fair trade.  I'm worried that she will resent moving here.  I'm scared and worried and insecure...  For so long I was the only person that mattered in the ex's life.  He had a few aquaintances from work (when he worked) but no people he'd call real friends.  Once he wasn't working even those people dropped off his radar, so I was it.  His whole social life revolved around me.  Sure we had C & R too, but as far as adult conversation/interactions go toddlers just don't count.  I guess I've gotten used to having to be everything for somebody and that knowing L is actually capable of, and willing to, make friends and I'm worried that if she doesn't make more friends once she's here that I won't be enough for her.

And with all this worrying and guilt, I feel even more guilt because this shouldn't even be about how I feel.  She is the one stuck moving, not me.  So where the heck do I get off thinking that my feelings even matter in this situation?  Its just a ridiculous cycle that I can't escape tonight and its all because I'm just so incredibly happy that in a few weeks we will finally be together.

On top of all the lovely feelings involved with L's move, there are more lovely feelings associated with the ex thanks to a conversation/fight/whatever we had tonight.  I don't know how to act with him.  Some days he's friendly and open like he still wants to try working on getting back to some semblance of a friendship.  And then there are days like the past few where he hasn't hardly said two words to me except, "Can I talk to them?" (obvioiusly meaning C & R). 

Then today we found out his mother died this morning, so I called to see if he was okay and he basically told me not to bother asking.  When he called to talk to the kids tonight I tried asking him again if he was okay and he hung up on me.  After that I left him a message explaining how confused I was over the signals he was giving me because one day he tells me he needs me to be his friend and be there for him and then the next he hangs up on me when I ask after him.  Talk about pull out your hair frustrating.

The conversation we had when he called me back in response to my voicemail was complicated and emotionally draining.  The basics are that he's not feeling anything about anything lately except for missing the kids, and I'm feeling way too much.  He's not even upset by the fact that his mother is dead and I'm shutting down because I can't handle everything that has happened in the past year.  And neither of us are talking to anybody because, well, he just doesn't talk to people period, and I only talk to a select few and the one I really needed to talk to tonight was having her own emotional issues because of her upcoming move. 

And here I am back to feeling more guilt because I'm being a crappy mom because I'm shutting down, and I'm being a crappy girlfriend because I'm too chicken to bother L when she's going through stuff of her own, not to mention a crappy girlfriend because since I'm wallowing in my own damn guilt I don't know how to help her with what she's going through...  So frustrating!  And lets not forget the guilt for feeling upset that she didn't say goodnight to me tonight even though she warned me she wasn't in a chatty mood. 

Intrusion and Forgiveness

The day of the divorce I made this blog public in hopes that somebody going through a similar ordeal as what I went/am going through would find some help from it.  A few days ago I found out that the one person I really didn't want to read it has been doing exactly that.  The ex has (not surprisingly) located my blog and decided that it'd be a good idea to read it, to "check on the kids and family".  Fantastic.  If he wanted to know about the kids he should have asked as very little gets mentioned about them in this blog.  As for his family, well the only family he has left that this blog would tell him anything about is C & R. 

After what he tried two weeks ago I am not at a place in my life where I can consider him family anymore.  I do not have it in me emotionally to relate to him in any way other than as C & R's other biological parent, and maybe as somebody I used to be friends with.  As is my nature, I will always care about him and what is going on with him.  This really truly complicates things for me because my head is telling me to break all ties with him to save myself the drama and further heartache but my heart, my big, soft, ever forgiving, and loving heart...  I wouldn't be who I am without my tendancies to care too strongly and too much but in this particular situation my brain wishes I could at least put a damper on those tendancies.

How do I leave my fears and anxiety of two weeks ago (and the 5ish years of abuse) behind and move on when I still care so damn much what happens to him?  I want him happy and healthy and in a good place in his life so he can be a part of his kids' lives.  Yet at the same time, until he is in what I consider at least a better place in his life I can't help but want to have minimal contact with him.  Yes, maybe this is harsh and me punishing him.  Maybe this is me thinking only about me.  Maybe me, on the day he tried to end his life, saying that I wished he'd turn out to be a dead-beat dad was a heartless thing to say.  But damnit, I just want to be free of the drama that always seems to happen between us.  If we can someday exist in each other's orbits without causing some sort of drama for the other person or our kids then maybe I will be able to finally let go.

Until the day comes when I can finally leave all of this heartache behind I will keep working toward forgiveness.  I can forgive him for everything that happened (eventually) but I will never forget what happened because I don't want to forget the lessons its taught me.  Those lessons are helping me see who I have the potential to be if I just have faith in myself.  I am strong enough to deal with all of this, I will be able to move on someday.  It may take me a long time, but I will get there.

Exhausted and missing Her.

It rained, we snuggled, it was perfect.  I see much more of
this in our rainy NW future.

Its been a week since the ex pulled his stupid stunt and L came out on an emergency rescue mission (2 days after) to make sure I was okay and to help me while I tried not to crumble, and today I once again put her back on a damned plane.  Medically/physically the ex is fine now but he's doing a voluntary stay at the hospital's psych unit for at least a few more days.  To say the last week has been a blur is a major understatement.  Between the drama of last Sunday, the worry all day Monday and into Tuesday, then my day in Seattle waiting for L's flight to get in the beginning of the week was completely shot which threw off the rest of my week too.  I know I missed one test this week and I'll have to beg forgiveness and hope the instructor will let me take it late.

At this very moment I am laying in my bed alone, dead tired, and unable to sleep because I am alone.  Despite the circumstances for why she came out to visit, having L here was a nice treat and now that she isn't here I am more aware of her absence than ever.  This damn long distance crap hurts more and more every time I say goodbye to her even though I know the time that we will finally get to be together for good is getting closer every day.  I'm not sure what I'm feeling even qualifies as inpatience anymore. 

L is my person and I need her here.  I don't just need her here to help me cope with the hard stuff, or help with the kids so I can do my darn schoolwork.  I just need her here to share my darn life with.  Simple things like snuggling on the couch, talking about our day in person (such a novel concept!), or even just doing chores around the house together.  That is how life with somebody you love is supposed to be, not split up by thousands of miles for days, weeks, or months at a time.  I have no idea how my military friends handle deployments because this is absolute torture.

And, as if saying goodbye to her at the airport isn't normally a teary-eyed affair when its just the two of us, this time we had the kids in tow (so I could take them to see their dad on our way home) as well.  They were not happy to say goodbye to L at all and after we'd all said our goodbyes and I pulled the car away from the curb of the departures area, the kids started bawling.  C was begging me to go back and get her and R was just inconsolable.  Way to make a mommy's heart crumble guys, you completely shattered it.  They don't get that worked up about anybody but L.  Not me, not their dad, not their Mimi (my mom), not even their friends.  Only L.  To say that they love her is a huge understatement.  The day I don't have to explain to them why she had to leave again is going to be amazing.  Hell, the day I don't have to explain to myself why she had to leave again is going to be amazing.

How do I deal with this?

Without going into all the background of it, the Ex attempted suicide this morning and if I hadn't called the cops on a hunch (wasn't sure if he was serious or trying to push my buttons when he told me he was going to do it) the kids would no longer have their dad.  As it is I'm still not sure if he's going to make it because the ICU docs just don't have any answers for me yet because they don't even know how his body is going to handle the large doses of meds he took.

I wanted him in my life less than he was insisting on.  I was honestly hoping he'd wind up a dead-beat dad and just move away, maybe calling on birthdays and holidays.  I never wanted this.  Never.  He always joked about dying at 35, and his 35th birthday was a few weeks ago so he's actually been joking about it more but that's all I thought it was.  Apparently not.

Right now my emotions range from angry at him for being so stupid, to devastated that I may have to someday explain to C & R that their daddy killed himself, to just absolutely lost.  I was walking around in circles earlier trying to figure out what to do and had to just make myself stop, breathe and focus on one thing at a time.  Get left overs out of the fridge for dinner.  Get a bowl for the food.  Get a fork....  You get the point. 

As of right now the only thing I know for certain is that if he pulls through this I'm going to try and get the parenting plan modified.  If he is not even capable of taking care of himself he sure isn't capable of taking care of two small children on his own for half the week.  If he wants the same plan we have now where he gets the kids for half the week he's going to have to work for it.  He is obviously in need of some kind of psychiatric help, he needs a stable home (is getting evicted from his apartment tomorrow), and dang it he needs income so that he can keep his new place so I guess that means he needs a job since his college/financial aid fell through.

I'm not sure what I'm going to request the modifications be except for no overnights, and no alone time until all of the stuff I listed is met.  I absolutely can NOT risk him taking them with him the next time he decides life is too hard.

I think for now I'm not really going to deal with any of this.  I'm going to drink my glass of wine, aimlessly browse tumblr or pinterest until L gets home from her night of not dealing with all this, and then I can hopefully get on skype with her.  A little visual reassurance that she's in one piece and healthy (if a bit drunk) is much needed at the moment.