Wednesday, April 25, 2012

A little less uncertainty

Yesterday was possibly the most terrifying thing to ever happen to me. Sure I've been in scary situations before, dealt with tough things in my life, but nothing has ever outright shaken me to my core like that. I hope to never experience anything like that again, but I'm relatively young and I am well aware that there is still plenty of time in my life for things to happen. All I know is that if I ever have to go through something like that again I want L at my side like she was yesterday.

If you had asked me yesterday before the wreck if L was going to become a permanant part of my life I honestly couldn't have told you. Her joining our family, becoming a parent to two kids that aren't hers, was really intimidating for her. Loving me wasn't, but making that huge decision was just something she needed to think about. Last night as we were trying desperately to calm down and get some rest we talked and cried and just tried to heal. While we were talking I worked up the nerve to ask her something that came to mind, something I was scared to ask but hoped for more than anything, I asked her if she still had to make her decision. Her answer? No. That made me both more nervous and more hopeful so I had to clarify and the answer she gave me still makes me smile. She will be with me, with C & R, she will become part of our family.

Not sure when exactly she'll me moving to live with us, likely around the time her current lease is up in December (which is too far away for both our tastes), but the important part is that she will be. She will be more than just "mine bisitor" to C and more than just a really nice snuggle buddy to R. Losing that bit of uncertainty in my life is not only a huge relief but a huge sense of happiness. Someday in the coming months my heart will be whole and in one state again, rather than separated across half the country. I can't wait.

Until that time, to ease some of my anxiety of being away from her in case of emergencies L has offered to give her roommate my phone number and email. He's a great guy, the little bit I got to see him on my visit I really liked him, and I'm sure that he will let me know if something ever happens to her. Here's hoping he never has to use that information. I've also told her I'd give my mother her email and phone number too for the same reason because at 3.5 years and nearly 2 years neither C or R are old enough to let L know. Despite Mom's initial reservations regarding my relationship with L I'm pretty confident that she'll do what I ask when it comes to this if for no other reason than that she'll know how important it will be to me. Again, here's hoping she never has reason to use the information.

Anyway, yay for finally having things a little less uncertain in my future and looking like I might actually get my happy ending. I love you L, so very very much.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I got it handed to me today. Or more like thrown in my face as the back end of a camper came flying at us from oncoming traffic as the truck hauling it plowed into the back end of a UPS truck. Thank all the gods that L's reflexes are so good or we could have been seriously hurt. As it is only the rental car and a mailbox were victims on our end. The drivers of the UPS truck and the truck that was hauling the camper, however, both got hauled off to the hospital.

We were on the way to drop me off at the airport for my flight home and needless to say I'm not flying out today after all. Instead I'm parked on her couch with my music blasting while she's down on her front porch trying to calm down. We are both incredibly shaken and I know we are both grateful that we are both safe and not hurt. It could have been so much worse though. As it was a piece of the UPS truck flew off and hit the rental car windshield and if it had been just a little bit higher it could have come through rather than just bouncing off. If it had come through... The possibilities from that point on scare me shitless.

After everything we've been through to get to this point I very possibly could have lost her. And that isn't okay with me. We had a really long talk last night and while it wasn't exactly pleasant it was much needed. Durin that talk I told her flat out that I never wanted to lose her again and I just almost did. Only 5.5 hours ago that damn camper jacknifed into our lane and I nearly lost my love.

It was awful not being able to talk to her because of the STBE and its so hard not having her in my life on a daily basis but to lose her for good? I have all the dreams and wishes about a future with her and those almost got stolen from me in the blink of an eye because somebody wasn't paying enough attention. Her and I aren't certain for sure where our relationship is going but when all is said and done I want her with me for the longhaul. If that involves marriage somewhere down the line, okay, if it doesn't thats fine too. If it involves having children together, great, if not then okay. All I know is that I want her with me, loving me, loving C & R, and not being so damn far away.

I am now scared to death something horrible is going to happen to her while I'm in WA and I won't be here to be with her. Who would know to contact me? Even if anybody did, would they know how? Why does my love, my heart, have to live so far away from where I have to stay because of the STBE's stubborness (won't let me move with C & R) and my school? My heart is being torn in two between my littlest loves and the amazing woman I have loved for so long.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Slowly but surely.

My heart has long belonged to L and while I am totally at ease with that, letting people know the precise nature of our relationship still makes me nervous. After the almost disaster of the STBE outing me to my mother (she was shocked and a bit standoffish at first but is coming around) I have slowly been telling some of my friends. Some of them are immediately happy for me that there is somebody in my life that makes me happy and treats me right regardless of the fact that that person is a woman. Some are surprised to find out that I'm "like that" but they've been pretty non-judgemental too so that's okay.

You would think, based on the reactions I've gotten so far, that telling everybody else wouldn't be so intimidating but it is. But the fact of the matter is that aside from my mother, who I didn't even tell myself, I've only told people I thought would be at least tolerant of my relationship with L if not outright accepting. So, from here on out the outcomes of me telling people are going to start getting unpredictable. A few people in my family on either side will be understanding and accepting of this new part of me, most of my mom's family won't be. I'm hoping that my friends will all be at least open to the idea of me being in a relationship with a woman but only time will tell once i get the nerve to actually come out to them.

I think part of my hesitation with telling people is that not only is the divorce not final yet, but until it is L doesn't want to make any permanent decisions or arrangements for our relationship (like one of us moving to live with/closer to the other). I understand her thoughts on this, but it just adds to the uncertainty that seems to be running my life lately. So, with there being nothing absolutely certain between us its hard to even think about telling people just on the off chance that things don't work out for whatever reason. It feels weird not telling people about the wonderful new relationship in my life but there are so many people out there that just don't approve of two women loving each other, I can't help but be nervous.

Sooner or later I will come out to the rest of my friends and the family that won't judge, but its going to be a slow process. Until then I will have to just enjoy the visits with my "friend" be they her flying out here or me flying to her (like I will a week from today!).

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Heartbreaking day

I have been so excited for this day to come, the start of Spring Quarter! Only it started off really, really bad... My good friend, the woman who was my doula for R's birth, called me this morning to tell me that the baby she had been carrying for 17 weeks had passed away and that she was in labor. She asked me to double check and make sure he school knew (we're both in the same Nursing program) and to let our classmates know. Of couse I told her I would, and as soon as I hung up the phone I had to fight back tears.

I somehow managed not to cry at all today until I saw her post on facebook that the baby had been a girl. The girl she has dreamed about for so long. The baby she will never get to watch grow up is he girl she had been hoping for with all her heart. Her name was beautiful and perfect. She will be very missed.

And while this is the worst part of my day by far, I've been exchanging emails with the STBE regarding visits with the kids and him watching them while I'm at clinicals and such and in one of his emails he mentioned wantin to take the kids on a trip around the same time I want to go visit L. I told him that if we could coordinate our trips then it would probably work out better for everybody. The email he sent me back was rude and kinda got to me. Him telling me I didn't need to "hide" her (meaning L) and that he just wanted to be done with this garbage and get the divorce papers signed. Garbage. Well, it probably shouldn't bother me but it does. Having our marriage called garbage by the man who swears up and down that he never abused me... Grr.

Anyway, just needed to vent my heartbreak and frustration today. Not much else going on.