Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Starting in one week

In one week the divorce will be final.  I will be free.  Free from him anyway.  I will still have all the normal mom obligations and college student woes and of course I will still be missing L.  In one week I will also finally be able to really truly say I'm in a relationship with L.  Now don't get me wrong, I've been calling her my girlfriend for months and meaning it.  But at this point, with the exception of a select few, if somebody knows I'm getting divorced but that it isn't final yet I haven't volunteered information about my relationship unless they asked if I've found somebody new.  I'm not ashamed of my relationship with L, far from it.  Its just I haven't been ready to deal with society in general disapproving because I "jumped into" a new relationship so fast on top of the fact that the relationship is with a woman.  Dealing with one of those at a time is enough for me.

Speaking of dealing with society's opinions on my new relationship...  I don't want to hide who I am, or who we are as a couple, or that she is going to be helping me coparent and will be the kids' other mommy.  I'm just not sure how to go about everything outside of our private life at home or among friends/family.  The town she's from is super conservative and she could get bullied horribly if we were to walk down the street or through the store holding hands.  I honestly don't think its that bad here, but I'm not sure where her comfort level is.  I would happily hold her hand walking through the store, or walking in the park with the kids and the dog.  I hate having to curb my behavior with her just because of what other people may think, even the thought of it makes me grumbly.

And then there is the matter of family.  As I've said before, a good portion of my family will completely dissapprove.  This will throw a wrench in holidays and get togethers, at least with my mother's side of the family.  I don't want to hide her, or our relationship, from them but I also don't want to lose the connection I have just started rebuilding this year.  I also have no idea how to tell them that I am dating a woman.  Its so frustrating!  I hate that people can't just accept that love is what matters, not what parts the two people in love were born with.  The parts of her family that I've met so far have all been amazingly warm and accepting and I can't want to spend more time with them in the years to come.  They already feel like family to me and I barely know them.  Funny how that works isn't it?  That people you barely know, but who accept you whole heartedly, are more family than those you are related to by blood who dissapprove of you in some way. 

I've already told a handful of my friends about L and I.  Again, as I've mentioned before, some were shocked I was even "that way" and others were just happy for me, no questions asked.  So far I haven't lost any friends for being bi/gay/whatever.  But once the divorce is final I do intend to work on telling the rest of my friends and the family members I'm fairly certain won't freak out on me and that makes me a bit nervous.  I don't know how to go about it in the best way.  I mean, one way or another they are going to figure it out (unless they are completely oblivious).  Either I will tell them outright, or come December when L moves here they will notice changes to my posts on Facebook.  Our Christmas photos are going to have her in them, other random pictures are going to have her in them, my status updates will change from, "The kids and I," to, "The kids, L, and I,".  How are people not going to notice the difference?  But will they figure it out and just start ignoring me or unfriend me?  Or will they have the courage to ask me about how my new relationship is going and be genuinely happy for me when I get a big cheesey grin on my face?

Whatever the outcomes it won't matter.  L will be here with me in a few months and we will finally get our chance to live the life we talked about so many years ago.  The miracle in that never ceases to amaze me.  I finally get my chance to love her unconditionally and without hiding it from anybody.  She is my person, my favorite, and my future.

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