Thursday, July 5, 2012

Dealing with bad days

I'm not sure how other people deal with hard days but all I know is that I just don't.  Those days where everything just seems to upset me by reminding me of all the bad things that have happened and all the good things that I can't have right now.  They're killers and today is one of those days.  I can't stop crying, I can't handle C & R, and the thought of even going to the store to get some much needed groceries is overwhelming.  I want to be alone either with my music blaring just laying in my bed doing nothing, or sitting down at the beach listening to the waves crash and the gulls screeching.  I just need time to think and process things without other bodies vying for my attention. 

Why does this have to be so hard?  Why can't I wait until the day is done and the kids are in bed and the shopping is done for this stupid breakdown I seem to be having?  I'm pretty sure therapy is supposed to help stave off this sort of breakdown but as I haven't been in a while, and the stuff we were doing in our sessions wasn't really teaching me coping techniques anyway, I just don't think its worth the time.  All I know is that I will be going to the store, I will be dealing with my kids, and somehow I am going to stop crying at least while other people can see me.  I have no choice.

I would like to think this is my problem, that I've been strong too long and that is why I'm crying.  It has been a very hard five years and the hard isn't over yet.  I'm still dealing with the STBE on a daily basis and while he says he wants to help me, he only wants to help me on his terms.  Its so frustrating to know that there is somebody that would actually help me if she could be here, that she'd kick me out of the house to go get that alone time if necessary, but that she can't be here.  Not yet. 

I know thats part of my problem today.  I'm missing L horribly.  Since she has left I've had horrible dreams almost nightly, so my lack of sleep is stacking up pretty bad too.  So lack of sleeping, missing my love, and just being generally overwhelmed by normal every day stuff...  There is only so much one girl can take before the strength gets overrun and the tears come whether I want them to or not.

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