Saturday, December 29, 2012

Reflections on 2012

It has been a very interesting year.  I wish I could say that 2012 was uneventful but it was anything but that.  Anything before February 14th of this year is just a vague haze honestly.  I think there was some snow, and nursing school, and I had my IUD taken out so the ex and I could try for baby #3 but other than that nothing really happened until 2/14/12.  It was the worst Valentine's day in my life and the day that changed absolutely everything.  It was the day I decided to divorce my (now) ex and it was the day that I sent an email to a long lost love, L, explaining just why I was divorcing him.

After that day my life seemed to turn into a whirlwind of craziness.  Between nursing school and dealing with the ex, our kids, and eventually the divorce, I'm not exactly sure how I came out with my head still attached and mostly functional.  I can happily report though that I graduated with my LPN, my kids are healthy and happy, and the ex and I are on friendly terms.  Things got rocky again with the ex in October but he is in therapy and has stable housing so we are doing our best to work at being friends again.

The best part of my year by far is that after almost 4 years of not talking to her, L answered my email on Valentine's day within hours of me sending it.  That gave me hope that if nothing else we could be friends again.  We have since survived long distance dating and are now living together.  Between then and now she made 4 trips out here and I made 2 back to see her.  I'm not sure I've ever travelled so much, and I really did learn to hate that airport because each time I put her on a plane back to OH it hurt more.  Still, she is finally here now and we are going to get our chance at happiness after way too long.

If somebody had asked me this time last year where I thought I'd be a year from then, this definitely wouldn't have been it.  I would have probably told them I'd be holding a new baby, or pregnant, and I'd still be married to the ex.  I would still have gotten my LPN but I'm pretty sure thats the only thing that'd be the same.  Despite all the heartbreak and insanity of this past year I am really, truly happy.  I will admit though, I'm hoping that next year will be a lot less eventful because I could seriously use a break from the emotional rollercoaster I've been on.  I just have regular school to do, hopefully I'll find a nursing job, and settling into a nice family routine with L being here is all I really want to do.  Maybe a bit of travel to go see our family back east, but nothing crazy.  I think I just want to relax this year and enjoy life as it comes.  Please be gentle with me 2013!

Sunday, December 16, 2012


Today my heart became whole again, L is finally here to stay.  No more months without seeing her, no more nights on Skype hoping that our computers don't restart or drop connection.  No more explaining to two little people that they can't go to her house and see her because its too far away.  Only time spent with her, C and R.  I know there are likely to be rough patches, and I know those patches won't be easy, but considering everything we've been through in the past I've got a lot of confidence that we will be able to work through it. 

I've been trying for weeks to get across to C that L will be staying with us for good this time, R is too little to really grasp things like that but I told her anyway.  And when I say I've been trying, I mean I've told him so many different ways that I really couldn't think of any better way to tell him for him to possibly understand.  And then tonight, he and L had a moment that got me all teary.  Her being here, and hearing her say it to him, and answering his questions all made it sink in for him.  Then, in his heart melting way, he wrapped his arms around her neck (she'd been down on his level) and told her he loved her.  When she said it back, I had to walk away because if I'd stayed I was likely gonna cry.  Now, they've exchanged "I love yous" before and it made me happy, but to hear him say it after the already very special conversation they'd had just slid it home for me that she really won't ever be leaving us again.

I'm not sure I even have the right words to express exactly how amazing this whole situation is to me.  All I know is that I feel blessed to have found somebody so right for me, somebody that I love and that loves me just as much.  I found her years ago and made the mistake of not following my heart at the time, but we are together now and I'm happier than I have ever been.  And the most amazing part is that she is not only great for me but she and the kids mesh too, they adore each other.  I couldn't ask for a better person to help me raise them when they are here with me.  They aren't going to be burdened with a step-monster like some kids are, they are getting a loving, devoted, fantastic third parent to help teach them to be the amazing people they have the potential to be.  And for that too I feel incredibly blessed.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Miles into memories

I can't believe I haven't written in over two weeks with everything that's been happening.  The day after my last posting I finally got notification that I passed my State Board, I am an actual licensed nurse!  Now starts the annoying part of searching for a job.  I'm looking and looking, but it seems that most places really just aren't hiring newly graduated LPNs (licensed practical nurses).  They advertise that they hire new graduates, but those are either RNs (registered nurses) or MAs (medical assistants) and I'm beginning to get more than a teensy bit frustrated with the whole thing.  I've found a couple places that I'm going to submit my resume and an application to, but first I need to put the finishing touches on my resume.  Its an entirely different animal from any other resume I've done in the past and its proving tricky to get just right.  It'll be very interesting to see what my future in nursing holds for me.
In other news, in just nine days the miles that have separated L and I for so many years will be nothing but a memory. L will be here in my arms for good and I can't quit smiling! I've tried explaining it to C & R, but they're 2.5 and 4, they just don't quite realize that when I say, "L is going to be living with us soon," that I mean something other than that she'll be visiting with us again. They don't realize that we'll ever have to say goodbye to her again. I think once she is here and they realize that she isn't going anywhere that they are going to be as excited as me. No matter how happy I am about all of this, I still almost can't believe that it's actually happening.  The impromptu trip I took out to OH the day after her birthday (as a combo birthday surprise/packing assistance trip) and helping her pack and ship 8 or 9 boxes of her stuff to my house has helped make it all more real though.  After all, if she doesn't move out here I've got tons of her stuff for no reason.  Why would she do that?  I know for a fact she's coming and soon I will have boxes to prove it and to tuck away until her arrival. 

With all of this happening at once it seems like my heart and my life are finally being given permission to move on.  Like they are finally being released from the darkness and limbo they've been in for so long.  Its a shock to the system to realize that I may finally be coming back to who I used to be, or at least as close as I can all things considered.  I've been told that because of everything that has happened, and because I not only survived it but came out on top of it all, that I'll be a stronger person for it.  Honestly, strength is all well and good but I just want to revel in the love and happiness I know is out there for me.  The strength will help me with any new struggles that come my way, but for a while I just want to enjoy my dreams coming true.

Oh, and for the first time since last April I saw a rainbow.  It was dancing in the moisture blowing around the plane's wings as I flew home from OH on Tuesday.  It was a beautiful and welcome sight and I can't help but believe that somebody or something was reminding me of the promise I was given back in April

Here's to the future, memories, dreams, and promises!