Raw feelings

Even separated from him, he still manages to make me feel worthless and completely unworthy of love.  Especially of L's love.  His words tonight, "Unless L is f*cking forgiving, she won't stick around long enough to put up with half the sh*t you've put me through over the past 6 years."  And then he went on to explain that comment to mean that all I've ever done is lie to him for the past 6 years we've been together and that I will never stop lying, and that all I'll ever do with L is lie.

I haven't been lying to him.  I haven't been lying to her.  I know that I shouldn't let his words hurt me and mess me up so badly when I know they aren't true but it happens anyway.  It feels like I have been crying since shortly after I got out of bed today and that I've done nothing else.  Stupid me shouldn't have stopped by his house tonight after clinicals to pick up some laundry, but I did.  And he was being moody and I played right into it and we wound up fighting for over an hour and a half, most of that time with me on the verge of tears.

I'm tired of hurting because of him but he wants things I can't give him (me primarily) and when I try to set boundaries he ignores them completely (ie: kisses me completely unwelcomed).  We are supposed to be working on being friends but I honestly don't see this ever happening unless he can learn to live within the boundaries that he thinks I'm putting up just to ruin things between him and I more.  Riiight.  Because the boundaries aren't being put up to keep me sane? 

I mostly want to scream and cry and throw things at the moment.  I don't know how to process all the damn raw emotions he brings out of me.  I want to be in L's arms right now, she makes me feel safe, at ease, and loved and without her here I feel a bit like I'm lost and drwoing in stress and worthlessness.

Dealing with bad days

I'm not sure how other people deal with hard days but all I know is that I just don't.  Those days where everything just seems to upset me by reminding me of all the bad things that have happened and all the good things that I can't have right now.  They're killers and today is one of those days.  I can't stop crying, I can't handle C & R, and the thought of even going to the store to get some much needed groceries is overwhelming.  I want to be alone either with my music blaring just laying in my bed doing nothing, or sitting down at the beach listening to the waves crash and the gulls screeching.  I just need time to think and process things without other bodies vying for my attention. 

Why does this have to be so hard?  Why can't I wait until the day is done and the kids are in bed and the shopping is done for this stupid breakdown I seem to be having?  I'm pretty sure therapy is supposed to help stave off this sort of breakdown but as I haven't been in a while, and the stuff we were doing in our sessions wasn't really teaching me coping techniques anyway, I just don't think its worth the time.  All I know is that I will be going to the store, I will be dealing with my kids, and somehow I am going to stop crying at least while other people can see me.  I have no choice.

I would like to think this is my problem, that I've been strong too long and that is why I'm crying.  It has been a very hard five years and the hard isn't over yet.  I'm still dealing with the STBE on a daily basis and while he says he wants to help me, he only wants to help me on his terms.  Its so frustrating to know that there is somebody that would actually help me if she could be here, that she'd kick me out of the house to go get that alone time if necessary, but that she can't be here.  Not yet. 

I know thats part of my problem today.  I'm missing L horribly.  Since she has left I've had horrible dreams almost nightly, so my lack of sleep is stacking up pretty bad too.  So lack of sleeping, missing my love, and just being generally overwhelmed by normal every day stuff...  There is only so much one girl can take before the strength gets overrun and the tears come whether I want them to or not.

Old holidays, new traditions?

Coming up on the 4th of July sets my brain a buzzing.  Until a couple of months ago, when I made the decision to get a divorce, all of our family traditions were decided jointly by the STBE and myself.  Since making that decision a couple of holidays have passed, Easter, Mother's Day, mine and R's birthdays to name a few and we haven't really celebrated them any differently than in the past (except minus the presence of the STBE) but that doesn't mean we can't.  Until now I've had to temper how I wanted to observe holidays based on what the STBE wanted to do mostly just because he's a big bahumbug when it comes to holidays.  Well, no more!

This doesn't mean I have any grand schemes on new and fun ways to observe the 4th of July, let alone the other holidays, but it does mean that if I come up with something then darn it we'll do it!  Nothing new or grand will probably happen this year, just because of the very limited student budget I'm on currently.  But once I'm working and able to afford some more creative and fun things I think this is really going to be lots of fun.  I'm not wanting to do this just to spend money or basically say "we're better off without you!" to the STBE.  I'm wanting to do this to make fun memories for C & R.  Growing up I didn't have a lot, I was raised by a single working mother myself, but my memories are pretty much all happy ones.  Especially when it comes to the holidays.

Now I will admit that some of the holidays I want to observe with the kids aren't mainstream.  I consider myself pagan and I have in years past very casually noted the changing of the seasons and the other typical pagan holidays.  Some of "my" holidays coincide nicely with "regular" holidays (Easter/Ostara, Halloween/Samhain, & Christmas/Yule) and I've just kind of let them blur into one another so far.  I'm thinking that I may finally have the chance to elaborate a bit on the less mainstream side of them and thats exciting to me.  I have always wanted C & R to be well rounded in the ways of the world and caring tolerant people and I think exposing them to a wider variety of ways that people celebrate the holidays is one way to do that. 

I think my only concern/worry/hesitation in doing this, in elaborating on my own pagan holidays, is actually in regards to L.  She knows I consider myself pagan but I don't think we've really ever had a talk about what that means when it comes to holidays and such.  Its not like I'm a practicing witch or anything but lighting certain color candles or making certain foods on my holidays because of the power those things hold might weird her out a bit.  I'm not sure.  This is probably something we need to talk about but I'm pretty sure it can be saved for once she finally moves out here and we actually have the opportunity to celebrate holidays together.