Tuesday, May 15, 2012

More crazy complications in my life

Why is it that when I think I finally have a handle on things that my whole world gets turned upside down again?  Sure, it wasn't easy juggling school, the kids (and sharing them with their father), and being away from L yet I was managing. But now, thanks to the horrendous pain that has taken over my life, both the kids and I are spending a lot of time with the STBE. Considering the past, and the fact that there is a protection order in place, I wouldn't blame you for wondering what I'm thinking. Hell, I wonder what I'm thinking. All I know is that he is willing and able to help me.  If this is indeed endometriosis, then the last time I dealt with all of this I didn't have kids so I was able to be a lot more focussed on myself.  This time with C & R running around, I don't have that luxury.  I need to be able to make sure that both them, and me, are taken care of and unfortunately I'm not able to do that when the pain is at its worst.  That is where the STBE comes in.

Last night all three of us stayed the night with the STBE at his place. Yep, you read that right.  Why?  Because I couldn't get off the couch becaue the pain was so awful.  There was no way I could have taken care of the kids last night without his help.  Is this going to become a regular thing?  I hope not, but if we aren't able to figure out what is causing the pain then I'm going to continue needing help and he has said he is willing to give it.  Am I okay with this?  I'm not sure.  Accepting help from somebody I'm not sure I even trust anymore is really really hard.  If C & R weren't in the picture I can honestly tell you I wouldn't be doing it.  Is L okay with me spending the night at the house of the man who raped me?  She doesn't like it because she doesn't trust him anymore than she can throw him, but she is glad that there is somebody who can help me while she is so far away even if it is him.

Basially the situation is just really weird and more than a little complicated. I have to say though, since we've been spending so much time here, he has been nothing but a gentleman towards me.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

A long forgotten nightmare

I'm scared to give word to this.  If I do, then maybe it will become truth once again instead of just being a long forgotten nightmare.  I'm having abdominal pain.  Sometimes its a low achey pain, other times it feels like somebody is stabbing me.  I'm nowhere near due for my cycle to start, and even if I was it isn't that kind of pain.  I was hoping that maybe it was just a problem with my digestion but I have no other symptoms leading me to really believe that anymore.  One of the hazards of being a nursing student, I know what signs and symptoms are actually related to digestive issues and the ones I'm having just aren't.

So, you're wondering what is this big scary thing I don't want to give a name to?  What is it I'm so afraid of?  Endometriosis.  Why is this so scary to me?  I don't have time to deal with the body crippling pain I went through last time around.  I have two kids and am in nursing school, how does that leave me time to deal with that kind of pain?  It just doesn't.  I don't want to be rocking myself to sleep in the fetal position every night and I don't want to be walking down the hall or standing in the kitchen cooking and fall to my knees in agony.  I don't want to be scared of anybody touching me because it will likely trigger an episode, especially if the touch is intimate in any way.  I don't want another relationship to crumble down around me because of my complete inability to deal with anything except the pain that is wracking my body.

Aside from the pain that comes with endo(metriosis) are there are other things that can happen to a woman's body that have me scared out of my mind.  Scarring around a womans reproductive organs from the endo lesions can cause infertility.  Yes I already have two amazing children but that doesn't mean I don't want more.  And if the news the STBE dropped on me yesterday is any indication, I may very well have a much harder time getting pregnant next time.  Something I either don't remember because I was still groggy from the anesthesia, or the doc just forgot to tell me, but after I had to have a D&C for a miscarriage he asked my husband if I'd had endo because there was some visible scarring.  That surgery was five years ago, three years after my endo surgery at which time there was no evidence of scarring.  As endo can grow and spread without pain (in some cases) it can cause a lot of damage without anybody knowing it and it sounds like between the time of my endo surgery and my D&C my endo had come back and had been 'nice' to me by not hurting me this time.

I only found out about the scarring from the STBE yesterday because while he was here to do his laundry he saw me as the pain hit during a particularly stabby episode.  He asked the normal, "is your period supposed to start soon" question to which I answered "no" which is when he jumped to the endo possibility.  Endo is supposed to go into remission (and often goes away completely) when a woman is pregnant or not otherwise having a cycle.  Between being pregnant and breastfeeding with both C & R, my body was on a no cycle rest for almost four straight years.  I would have thought that would be more than enough time for the endo to be completely gone.  It seems that it may not have been and I am not okay with that at all.

I had an early miscarriage the beginning of March, after the right amount of time for the baby to have been concieved the night that the STBE hurt me.  I can't help but wonder now if I lost that baby because of the known hormonal issues I have during pregnancy or if it was because of the endo.  Was that the last baby I will ever have?  I'm scared of dealing with the pain again, but I'm terrified of the possibility that I will never again have the joy of feeling new life growing inside me.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

When to draw the line?

How do you determine just when and where to draw the line with an ex?  What boundaries shouldn't be crossed with somebody that knows you so well, that was part of your life for so long?  I suppose it depends on the nature of the break-up; what the reasons were behind it and how well it went over with the person being left behind.  The STBE did something to me (on more than one occaison) that was just utterly unforgiveable and in the end I got a protection order against him to keep him away from me, and he got so mad at me for it because he thinks that I was "never abused" by him.  Obviously there should probably be some pretty strong lines drawn, and some pretty rigid boudaries in place, between us yet for whatever reason there just aren't. 

You are probably asking why I got the protection order if I'm not taking advantage of it and using it to give myself those boundaries that I need and want.  Thats a good question.  Honestly its just because of convenience that I'm ignoring it.  We have nobody to act as our go-between when it comes to C & R so we have to exchange them in person, either him coming to get them or me droppping them off etc.  This also means that he calls and texts me whenever he feels like it.  At first that was mostly about the kids but now its just all the time, about anything.  I'm getting super frustrated with this but I feel like its already too late to do anything about it.

I think if we were able to keep our interactions to a minimum, regarding only the kids, then maybe I'd be okay with not 100% sticking to the protection order.  As it is though, he has invited me to stay the night if I've had a stressful day, he talks almost constantly about his new lady friend and how he's charming her off her feet and into bed, he knows that I want nothing to do with him (especially sexually) yet he has offered that when I want more kids that he'll be the donor...  The lines aren't just blurred, they've been totally obliterated.  What do I do?

With R's second birthday coming up in just under three weeks my choices are rather limited.  I know he wants to come to her party, I know he'll be devastated if he can't.  I know he wants me to drop the protection order.  Yet I want to tell him to just leave me alone.  I want to explain to him that he's hurting and confusing me more and more every time I see him and to stop trying to build a friendship between us because I am nowhere near ready for something like that yet.  Hell, I HAVE tried explaining this to him yet he just ignores what I'm saying and pleads his case that "its better for the kids if we are friends."  And damnit, he's right.  It is better for them to see us interacting in a friendly manner. 

Unfortunately, there is friendly, and then there is "friendly," and he is leaning more towards the second option.  He says he doesn't want me anymore because he's falling in love with somebody new, yet he still says things to me that feel like he's trying to convince me that the choice I made was a mistake.  I know in my heart that I made the right choice, I have absolutely no doubts.  I hate him for what he did to me and I would honestly be happiest if he would just suddenly decide he wanted nothing to do with me and the kids so we could go about our lives without him in it.  But we're stuck with him.  And this means I'm stuck with his damn inappropriate offers and flirting.  My complete inability to deal with confrontation makes it impossible for me to utilize the protection order, let alone do something as simple as tell him to knock the sh*t off.

I know that I need to work on this, setting boundaries with him, but I'm just not able to yet and I'm worried that by the time I have the ability it will be too late.