Sunday, June 10, 2012

Slacking blogger plays catch-up.

So, over the past month I have hand written multiple blog posts.  I obviously still haven't gotten around to actually posting them though as the last blog before this one was from almost a month ago.  Why have I not posted them?  Mostly because of the rediculous amounts of time I spent at the STBE's house and he has no internet currently.  Yes, I was staying at his house.  Completely dumb move I know.  This was proved to me on more than one occasion yet I kept staying there.  Why?  Because of the damn pain.  It has been running my life of late, and without his help (which he would only give at his house by the way) the kids would have suffered because of my lack of ability to do much of anything.

Reasons for the handwritten posts?  Him crossing what I thought was a very clear line and me being scared of falling into old routines/comfort with him because of how much I was staying at his house.  Blah.  Maybe I will post those blogs someday.  For now, I'll just say this:  I am at home now and will not be staying with him again.  I only have 1 more day of class for spring quarter, then I can be a virtual veg if need be because of the pain.  I won't have to try and juggle pain and school work and kids.  Sure, it'll still be hard to balance things, but balancing is a hell of a lot easier than juggling.

Right now, my real reason for posting tonight, I can't get L off my mind.  If this comes as a surprise to you just stop reading and hit the "Next Blog" button at the top of the page.  For those of you still left, let me elaborate a bit.  I have loved her for a very long time, and tonight I found out the date that I actually told her I loved her for the first time.  It has been almost 6 years that we have admitted to being in love with each other.  Only 3 days after C's birthday we will hit that 6 year mark.  This blows my mind. 

If you're wondering how I found out the date, L told me.  She had been keeping a handwritten journal at the time and found the entry that she wrote about me telling her.  Her bringing up her old handwritten journal gave me a thought and I tracked down my old secret LJ account and (somehow!) remembered the password for it.  I scrolled down until I found posts that were about her.  One of the posts I had was basically a log of some of our more touching conversations.  I would just copy them and save them to that journal entry, updating it as new conversations happened.  It was both fun and a bit heartbreaking going down memory lane.  Among those saved conversation logs was a message from her telling me about her (at the time) secret blog and she gave me the link.  Did I visit the link?  You bet.

If my posts in my Livejournal were fun, yet heartbreaking, hers were mostly just heartbreaking.  Some had nothing to do with me and so I skipped them, but all of the ones having to do with me I read.  Most of them were very hard for me to read because I remember feeling guilty at the time, for how things were between us at the time, and I know how guilty I feel now about how things happened between us after she stopped writing those blog posts.  She tells me not to feel that way, but I can't help it.  There are also parts of her blog posts that I would love to write answers to.  I would love to be able to write little confirmations that things we thought would never happen have, are, and will.  She is my person, she is my favorite, and I am incredibly blessed that she found it in her heart to forgive me and has decided that she wants to make a life with me.

I love her more each and every day and absolutely cannot wait for her arrival back in WA in 2 weeks.  Its only for a visit this time, but in 6 months it will be a different story.  In 6 months her current lease will be up and she will be free to move here if she still wants.  At first glance it seems like 6 months is so incredibly far away, but then I realize that we have already been talking/together again for 4 months.  Its been hard being away from here for those 4 months but it has been manageable, and the next 6 will be as well.  Still, I can't wait to have the woman I love in my arms for good.

I love you L!

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