Monday, November 5, 2012

Inescapable guilt

How can I feel so guilty and so happy at the same time?  Two nights ago, L gave me a rough date on when she will finally be moving out here and I literally had to restrain myself from getting up and jumping for joy.  She had nearly as big a smile on her face as I did so I know she was happy too.  Then today she told me she gave her two weeks notice at her job.  It was her first real step at wrapping things up where she's at so she can move and it really hit her hard.  She is leaving her hometown, her friends, her job, everything.  All to be with me.  And I feel guilty as shit because I am just so happy that she will be here soon.

If I could be the one moving I would do it in a heartbeat.  I love my friends here but I see most of them so rarely it really wouldn't make a huge difference if I left except for with a few.  My mom's family, most of them probably won't accept me anyway (except my mom and a couple cousins) so why worry about missing out on family holidays we won't be welcome at anyway.  School, I can go to school anywhere.  Heck, once I'm licensed I can get a job anywhere.  There is only one concrete thing holding me to this state and its the one person that should have absolutely no hold on me at all anymore.  The ex.  If he wouldn't fight me for the kids tooth and nail I would be gone.  I would have been gone as soon as the divorce finalized.

But no, instead of being free to move where I want to its L that has to make the sacrifices and move across country to a town where the only people she knows are me, my kids, and my mom.  Her cousins lives a couple hours away, but that still isn't close enough for daily interaction or quality time with people she knows.

I feel like I'm dragging her away from everything she knows and that what I have to offer in return, while something we've both wanted for a long time, just isn't a fair trade.  I'm worried that she will resent moving here.  I'm scared and worried and insecure...  For so long I was the only person that mattered in the ex's life.  He had a few aquaintances from work (when he worked) but no people he'd call real friends.  Once he wasn't working even those people dropped off his radar, so I was it.  His whole social life revolved around me.  Sure we had C & R too, but as far as adult conversation/interactions go toddlers just don't count.  I guess I've gotten used to having to be everything for somebody and that knowing L is actually capable of, and willing to, make friends and I'm worried that if she doesn't make more friends once she's here that I won't be enough for her.

And with all this worrying and guilt, I feel even more guilt because this shouldn't even be about how I feel.  She is the one stuck moving, not me.  So where the heck do I get off thinking that my feelings even matter in this situation?  Its just a ridiculous cycle that I can't escape tonight and its all because I'm just so incredibly happy that in a few weeks we will finally be together.

On top of all the lovely feelings involved with L's move, there are more lovely feelings associated with the ex thanks to a conversation/fight/whatever we had tonight.  I don't know how to act with him.  Some days he's friendly and open like he still wants to try working on getting back to some semblance of a friendship.  And then there are days like the past few where he hasn't hardly said two words to me except, "Can I talk to them?" (obvioiusly meaning C & R). 

Then today we found out his mother died this morning, so I called to see if he was okay and he basically told me not to bother asking.  When he called to talk to the kids tonight I tried asking him again if he was okay and he hung up on me.  After that I left him a message explaining how confused I was over the signals he was giving me because one day he tells me he needs me to be his friend and be there for him and then the next he hangs up on me when I ask after him.  Talk about pull out your hair frustrating.

The conversation we had when he called me back in response to my voicemail was complicated and emotionally draining.  The basics are that he's not feeling anything about anything lately except for missing the kids, and I'm feeling way too much.  He's not even upset by the fact that his mother is dead and I'm shutting down because I can't handle everything that has happened in the past year.  And neither of us are talking to anybody because, well, he just doesn't talk to people period, and I only talk to a select few and the one I really needed to talk to tonight was having her own emotional issues because of her upcoming move. 

And here I am back to feeling more guilt because I'm being a crappy mom because I'm shutting down, and I'm being a crappy girlfriend because I'm too chicken to bother L when she's going through stuff of her own, not to mention a crappy girlfriend because since I'm wallowing in my own damn guilt I don't know how to help her with what she's going through...  So frustrating!  And lets not forget the guilt for feeling upset that she didn't say goodnight to me tonight even though she warned me she wasn't in a chatty mood. 

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