Friday, April 13, 2012

Slowly but surely.

My heart has long belonged to L and while I am totally at ease with that, letting people know the precise nature of our relationship still makes me nervous. After the almost disaster of the STBE outing me to my mother (she was shocked and a bit standoffish at first but is coming around) I have slowly been telling some of my friends. Some of them are immediately happy for me that there is somebody in my life that makes me happy and treats me right regardless of the fact that that person is a woman. Some are surprised to find out that I'm "like that" but they've been pretty non-judgemental too so that's okay.

You would think, based on the reactions I've gotten so far, that telling everybody else wouldn't be so intimidating but it is. But the fact of the matter is that aside from my mother, who I didn't even tell myself, I've only told people I thought would be at least tolerant of my relationship with L if not outright accepting. So, from here on out the outcomes of me telling people are going to start getting unpredictable. A few people in my family on either side will be understanding and accepting of this new part of me, most of my mom's family won't be. I'm hoping that my friends will all be at least open to the idea of me being in a relationship with a woman but only time will tell once i get the nerve to actually come out to them.

I think part of my hesitation with telling people is that not only is the divorce not final yet, but until it is L doesn't want to make any permanent decisions or arrangements for our relationship (like one of us moving to live with/closer to the other). I understand her thoughts on this, but it just adds to the uncertainty that seems to be running my life lately. So, with there being nothing absolutely certain between us its hard to even think about telling people just on the off chance that things don't work out for whatever reason. It feels weird not telling people about the wonderful new relationship in my life but there are so many people out there that just don't approve of two women loving each other, I can't help but be nervous.

Sooner or later I will come out to the rest of my friends and the family that won't judge, but its going to be a slow process. Until then I will have to just enjoy the visits with my "friend" be they her flying out here or me flying to her (like I will a week from today!).

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