Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Chapters' end, chapter's start

A week ago I finished nursing school.  Yep, I actually managed to do it.  In retrospect I'm surprised at how quickly it went because when it started last fall I thought it was going to take forever.  Sure, 1 year is the same time no matter how you look at it, but you know how sometimes things just seem to take longer?  Yeah, I thought it was going to be like that.

So, with that part of my life over I can't help but look to the upcoming months and know that there is so much about to change.  L will be back for a visit in less than 2 weeks (thank goodness!) and this will hopefully be her last visit.  After this she will hopefully be moving here for good.  I can't tell you how excited this thought makes me, words just don't do the feeling justice, but I'm sure you can guess.  Soon the period in my life where the one person I want with me the most is living across the country will be over.

Next month will also see the offical, legal, final end to my marriage and the STBE will actually be the Ex.  This is both a stressfull thing and a relief.  Its stressful because there is so much I need to get done between now and our court date and I'm more than a little overwhelmed.  The thought of the actual court appearance freaks me out too.  What if the judge doesn't like how we've handled things and changes them?  The STBE will throw a fit, not literally I'm sure, and will likely refuse to go through with the divorce unless the judge goes through with what he and I originally agreed on.  Not only does the thought of the divorce becoming some long drawn-out process freak me out for the pure fact of it becoming a long drawn-out process, but more than that it freaks me out because if it does go that way I'm scared L won't move out here after all.  Or at least not as soon as she would if things go smoothly. 

As for the relief caused by the final ending of my marriage, I would think its obvious.  I will no longer be legally tied to my abuser.  If you can't guess, this is huge.  For the past 6 years I have been emotionally abused by this man.  For the past 5 I have been sexually abused by this man.  As of September 26th, if all goes according to plan, I will no longer have to explain to people that my abuser is also my husband.  I will no longer be a statistic, a woman in an abusive relationship who couldn't (or wouldn't) get out.  I will be free.  Sure, there will still be drama between him and I.  When I had kids with him I signed up for life-long drama.  But, even with the drama I won't feel obligated to deal with it because I will no longer legally be 'his'.  Whew!

*bit - please forgive the typo Swype hates me...
With all of those things ending many new things are starting as well, I'm starting a new chapter in my life.  After talking with a good friend tonight for quite a few hours via text I'm pretty sure I want to call this chapter the 'Finally getting everything I've ever wanted' chapter.  She was 100% correct in what she said.  I finally have the education/ability to have a career that I love, instead of a dead-end job that I hate but do anyway because it pays the bills.  My kids truly are amazing, they amaze me every day.  Sure, most days they also drive me absolutely bonkers but they are 2 and nearly 4 so that's kind of expected.  And the relationship I am in now, the real one that I am actually invested in not the legal one, is amazing too.  I have never felt so cherished by anybody I've been in a romantic relationship with.  Never.  L has the patience of a saint dealing with my left over baggage from all my past experiences and I'm pretty sure she even plans to help me unpack that baggage and leave it far behind me so that we can enjoy a long and happy future together.  At least I hope so.  I really, truly hope so.

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