Sunday, May 6, 2012

When to draw the line?

How do you determine just when and where to draw the line with an ex?  What boundaries shouldn't be crossed with somebody that knows you so well, that was part of your life for so long?  I suppose it depends on the nature of the break-up; what the reasons were behind it and how well it went over with the person being left behind.  The STBE did something to me (on more than one occaison) that was just utterly unforgiveable and in the end I got a protection order against him to keep him away from me, and he got so mad at me for it because he thinks that I was "never abused" by him.  Obviously there should probably be some pretty strong lines drawn, and some pretty rigid boudaries in place, between us yet for whatever reason there just aren't. 

You are probably asking why I got the protection order if I'm not taking advantage of it and using it to give myself those boundaries that I need and want.  Thats a good question.  Honestly its just because of convenience that I'm ignoring it.  We have nobody to act as our go-between when it comes to C & R so we have to exchange them in person, either him coming to get them or me droppping them off etc.  This also means that he calls and texts me whenever he feels like it.  At first that was mostly about the kids but now its just all the time, about anything.  I'm getting super frustrated with this but I feel like its already too late to do anything about it.

I think if we were able to keep our interactions to a minimum, regarding only the kids, then maybe I'd be okay with not 100% sticking to the protection order.  As it is though, he has invited me to stay the night if I've had a stressful day, he talks almost constantly about his new lady friend and how he's charming her off her feet and into bed, he knows that I want nothing to do with him (especially sexually) yet he has offered that when I want more kids that he'll be the donor...  The lines aren't just blurred, they've been totally obliterated.  What do I do?

With R's second birthday coming up in just under three weeks my choices are rather limited.  I know he wants to come to her party, I know he'll be devastated if he can't.  I know he wants me to drop the protection order.  Yet I want to tell him to just leave me alone.  I want to explain to him that he's hurting and confusing me more and more every time I see him and to stop trying to build a friendship between us because I am nowhere near ready for something like that yet.  Hell, I HAVE tried explaining this to him yet he just ignores what I'm saying and pleads his case that "its better for the kids if we are friends."  And damnit, he's right.  It is better for them to see us interacting in a friendly manner. 

Unfortunately, there is friendly, and then there is "friendly," and he is leaning more towards the second option.  He says he doesn't want me anymore because he's falling in love with somebody new, yet he still says things to me that feel like he's trying to convince me that the choice I made was a mistake.  I know in my heart that I made the right choice, I have absolutely no doubts.  I hate him for what he did to me and I would honestly be happiest if he would just suddenly decide he wanted nothing to do with me and the kids so we could go about our lives without him in it.  But we're stuck with him.  And this means I'm stuck with his damn inappropriate offers and flirting.  My complete inability to deal with confrontation makes it impossible for me to utilize the protection order, let alone do something as simple as tell him to knock the sh*t off.

I know that I need to work on this, setting boundaries with him, but I'm just not able to yet and I'm worried that by the time I have the ability it will be too late.

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