Without going into all the background of it, the Ex attempted suicide this morning and if I hadn't called the cops on a hunch (wasn't sure if he was serious or trying to push my buttons when he told me he was going to do it) the kids would no longer have their dad. As it is I'm still not sure if he's going to make it because the ICU docs just don't have any answers for me yet because they don't even know how his body is going to handle the large doses of meds he took.
I wanted him in my life less than he was insisting on. I was honestly hoping he'd wind up a dead-beat dad and just move away, maybe calling on birthdays and holidays. I never wanted this. Never. He always joked about dying at 35, and his 35th birthday was a few weeks ago so he's actually been joking about it more but that's all I thought it was. Apparently not.
Right now my emotions range from angry at him for being so stupid, to devastated that I may have to someday explain to C & R that their daddy killed himself, to just absolutely lost. I was walking around in circles earlier trying to figure out what to do and had to just make myself stop, breathe and focus on one thing at a time. Get left overs out of the fridge for dinner. Get a bowl for the food. Get a fork.... You get the point.
As of right now the only thing I know for certain is that if he pulls through this I'm going to try and get the parenting plan modified. If he is not even capable of taking care of himself he sure isn't capable of taking care of two small children on his own for half the week. If he wants the same plan we have now where he gets the kids for half the week he's going to have to work for it. He is obviously in need of some kind of psychiatric help, he needs a stable home (is getting evicted from his apartment tomorrow), and dang it he needs income so that he can keep his new place so I guess that means he needs a job since his college/financial aid fell through.
I'm not sure what I'm going to request the modifications be except for no overnights, and no alone time until all of the stuff I listed is met. I absolutely can NOT risk him taking them with him the next time he decides life is too hard.
I think for now I'm not really going to deal with any of this. I'm going to drink my glass of wine, aimlessly browse tumblr or pinterest until L gets home from her night of not dealing with all this, and then I can hopefully get on skype with her. A little visual reassurance that she's in one piece and healthy (if a bit drunk) is much needed at the moment.