Holy mountain of papers Batman!

Well my papers from the lawyer arrived yesterday and holy crap! I knew there was going to be a lot of paperwork involved in a divorce but its darn near 400 pages. The poor envelope busted when the mailman put it in my mailbox.

Anyway, now starts the chore of trying to wade through all the legal mumbo-jumbo and figure out just how I'm supposed to fill out that mountain of papers. I know that at least part of it isn't needed until our court date, but the rest of it needs to be read, filled out, and signed. Not to mention agreed upon by the STBE. Both he and I have decided that we want this process to be as painless on the kids as possible and we both know the only way that is going to happen is if we can go into the whole thing agreeing about things. In theory thats how it'll work, whether it'll actually happen that way or not remains to be seen.

My mother has offered to help me get things started and filled out, having gone through divorce twice herself. Of course, neither time did she have kids in the mix. The biggest thing I'm concerned about filling out right is the parenting plan. We have agreed that they will be staying with me the majority of the time, visiting him every other weekend and in between if I need him for babysitting and he's available. I just can't imagine any time without them, but I know the STBE can't either. Its going to be a big adjustment for all of us.

The sooner I climb that mountain of papers and get them filled out and signed, the sooner I will finally be free.

First step.

Well, they say that the first step is the hardest and after the minor anxiety attack I had yesterday when the lawyer called me back I have to agree. I know I am doing the right thing but that doesn't change the fact that, by nature, I hate confrontation and to me that's all I have been dealing with since I told him that things were over. Yesterday was no exception. He asked me to send him a message when I got done talking with the lawyer and I did. I told him everything that the lawyer told me and apparently finding out that 90 days after we sign/submit our papers to the court we will no longer be a family really got to him.

It hurts me to see him so upset over everything ending and he says I don't understand what it feels like to be losing everything he is. And while no, its not quite the same, I do understand. If anybody does its me because I was the one that shared his hopes and dreams for our little family and our future. I know exactly what he's losing. Every time he hugs one of the kids I can see him falling apart a little more inside. Even when he looks at me I can see it. And it just makes my heart ache.

Being sick and dealing with all of this at the same time is so hard. I'm tired and I don't feel well, and I just don't have the resolve I normally do when well. He tried begging me yesterday to change my mind again and instead of telling him he had to leave, like I'd told him I would, I just told him to stop and leave me alone. I feel like I'm being a wimp. Why oh why am I still only at the first step? I really just need this to be finished.

Sick = weak willed.

Let me just start by saying I am the most pathetic and pitiful sick person you'll likely ever know. I won't go into details, but I'm sure you can imagine. Anyway, my point is that when I'm at my post pitiful I'm more likely to agree to things simply because I don't have the energy to argue them. When the STBE asked if he could do anything to help me feel better, like give me a backrub, I told him it was fine.

Now, you may be screaming, "You idiot!" at the computer but calm down I'm not totally off my rocker. I made it very clear to him that taking care of me while I'm sick is NOT going to change my mind about the divorce. He accepted that, or so he says, and he did great getting the kids fed, changed, down for bed, and out to go potty (the puppy). Normally this is all stuff I take care of and it was just really nice not to have to worry about it. He has been equally good with it all this morning too while I am a congested, headachey, sore throated mess.

The fact that someday, in just a few months, i'm going to have to do all of this on my own even if I feel like the walking dead is pretty intimidating. Sure I've got friends, my mom, and even the STBE to look after the kids if I just absolutely must crash for a few hours, but there will be no more staying in bed for days on end until I'm well. I will have to be up and functional because I will be the only one here to look after the two loves of my life and my crazy puppy.

Here's hoping I get over whatever crud this is quickly, so that I'm not so pitiful and easily swayed to let somebody I want nothing to do with give me a backrub... *sighs*

Liar! Liar?

Have you ever had a situation in your life where somebody tells you such horrible news that they've been witholding it from you for months? Particularly at an especially turbulent place in their life where your own life decisions will adversly affect them? Then you can't figure out if they were lying to you by not telling you the information before, or if they're currently lying to you about said bad information?

Unfortunately for the STBE (soon-to-be-ex) I've had this crap played on me before years ago. I had gone away to college and my boyfriend at the time claimed he was horribly sick and in the beginning stages of lupus. So, being the naive yet doting girlfriend I was I left college to go home and be with him. Yet, magically, when I got home all of his symptoms had dissappeared and he was doing much better. Fast forward 10 years and I'm faced with a strangely familiar scene: I leave (tell him we're getting divorced) and he's suddenly even more ill than he let on (3 heart attacks and a mini stroke).

Now, mind you, he's on blood thinners which should prevent both things from happening. So, not wanting to be fooled again I demanded his medical records showing the test results from those incidents. If there are no tests indicated in those records his prior deadline to move out no longer applies and he will be moving out immediately due to being a liar. Things are hard enough right now, the last thing I need is to have somebody willing to lie to me about something so serious living in my house.

He has one week to provide the records and he has to call for them with me present so I know when he did it and when he can expect to get them. Then I will go with him to pick them up. This may seem a bit obsessive to some but I refuse to be fooled like this again, especially now when I'm already so dang vulnerable.

On a side note, apparently uncontested divorce in our state only takes 90 days from the date the papers are signed/filed to be finalized. Thank goodness!

Ticket to temporary freedom.

After a super long, super stressful week one of my friends had the courtesy to have a birthday which gave me the perfect excuse for a bit of a getaway. I wasn't expecting to spend two nights with her and without my kids but a certain somebody had class today so I wouldn't have been able to use the car to get here for a day trip. And of course he didn't want me taking the kids away for the whole weekend. So, I walked onto the ferry and she picked me up on the other side and I will be here until Sunday. Temporary freedom to recharge and get my head in a better space than when I left.

Thursday night was the hardest night so far. Earlier in the day he had been begging me to change my mind and was making all sorts of promises to try and convince me he could change. Once the kids went to bed we had a talk where I told him, again, that my answer was still that I wanted a divorce. It did not go over well. He tried begging again, repeatedly, and I finally had to remind him that if he did anything out of line (and that begging and hurting me more was out of line) that he would be out of the house immediately instead of in April. That also didn't go over well and he brought up all sorts of history that my already frazzled nerves couldn't handle and whatever calm I'd managed to hang onto up to that point dissolved and I was a mess.

Someday he won't have that power over me anymore.

So, when my friend suggested I come to her place for the weekend I jumped on the chance. I needed out of the house desperately. I wish the kids could have come with me, I miss them horribly, but if I wanted to make it through the next week with their dad in the house, i needed a break. I went out to dinner with her and her family last night, today is her party, and tonight we may be going out for drinks to celebrate her big day. I can't tell you the last time I have done any of that without having to ask about it, explain exactly where I'm going, who I'll be with, and how long I'll be gone. I have had not a single ounce of spontaneity in my life for the past 5 years and have had probably less, if possible, time with my friends because I simply gave up trying to have a life outside of him.

Thank goodness for my temporary freedom.

Stop begging.

Today has been rough. My stomach is still constantly churning from the stress so I feel on the verge of being sick 90% of the time and within minutes of being home from clinicals (nursing student rememer) he starts in.

I have the biggest soft spot in my heart for children, mine especially, and when he starts in on how sad he is that he will be missing out on their lives it hurts my heart and I feel so guilty. How do I tell somebody who loves my children as much as I do "tough luck"? I know its his own fault, I know this deep in my soul, but still how do I tell him?

Not only does he try and use the kid button on me, but he makes so many other big promises that I know he will never keep. Why do I know? Because its part of his cycle. In the past during our horrible arguments where I hinted that I wanted to end things, he would do this. Begging and bargaining and making promises. And if I were to cave and take him back now, it would all start over again once he got comfortable that I wouldn't leave him after all. I will NOT cave this time though. My kids, and me, are more important than giving into the whiney whims of an abuser.

Luckily, I have my own personal version of a life preserver. Without her I would be drowning in all of this. She is there for me to call, or skype or IM whenever I start feeling overwhelmed. She knows me better than anybody and can help me get my thoughts in order and calm down enough to stop reeling from everything long enough to remember that I CAN do this. The only thing she can't do is hold my hand while I tell him exactly what needs to be said. And tonight, at some point, I need to make it clear to him that not only is he now a guest in my house but that if he continues to keep begging his time here will be cut short.

To him: Stop the begging, it will only make this harder for you.

To her: I wish you didn't live so far away.

Looking to the future.

The past 5 years of my life have been a roller coaster, full of ups and downs that its too hard to explain in just one entry. Maybe further on down the road I will try and explain the past but for now I just want to concentrate on the now, and the future.

The now (possibly triggering): I'm in the beginning stages of divorce. I have been married going on 5 years, we have 2 kids together, and he is my abuser (both emotionall and sexually). He has raped me 4 times since we've been married, the last time yesterday at 1am. It already feels like its been a lifetime since everything happened and while at the moment I don't feel like I'm drowning in the overwhelming number of emotions bombarding me, I don't expect my clearheadedness and calm to continue. Probably once the gravity of my decision really sinks in, or when he finally moves out (or both) I will probably start reeling again.

The future: A life without a man in it, unless you count my son and my dog. Being a single mother of 2 small children. Graduating nursing school and getting a job that will support my little family. Hopefully, when the time is right, finally getting a chance to love somebody who won't hurt me. I've got somebody in mind, somebody I have loved for longer than I loved my soon-to-be ex husband. Time will tell how that works out but, like with everything else, I am hopeful for a good outcome.

I know it will be a long and rocky journey but I can't wait to get out of this dark place in my life, and back to the light.