Going into this week I knew it was going to be an emotional rollercoaster yet for some reason it still completely overwhelmed me. I'm running on E and its only Thursday... To start off, C was sick all weekend and I was excited about L's visit and stressing out about my final exam for the 2nd quarter of nursing school. C only continued to get worse all weekend, L arrived safe and sound and I totally bombed my exam. And that was all just the weekend/Monday.
Tuesday was another crazy day because it was my final eval appointment with my advisor for nursing school and I totally thought I had failed out but I somehow managed to squeak by with a passing grade for the whole quarter thanks to my other test scores. Tuesday was also my first therapy appointment to help me heal from everything that happened between the STBE and me and that was incredibly draining. She has decided that I likely have PTSD and depression. Joy. L's visit was going great, the kids absolutely LOVED her (like mama like kiddos I suppose). I have never felt so immediately comfortable with anybody in my life. She knows me like she knows a favorite book, can read my moods, and darn near my thoughts, before I do. And she is just so incredibly big hearted and understanding. The total opposite of what I'm used to. Some people may be inclined to call what I have with her a "rebound" relationship but I really don't think it is. How could it be when we have known each other for so long, and loved each other for almost as long? As she puts it, we just took the rediculously long detoured way of getting together. And together we are, though I'm not sure we're going to even put a name to our relationship right now because things are just too complicated.
Wednesday was the court hearing for the permanent protection order. It passed, but the supervised visits did not. The STBE can visit the kids unsupervised whenever we arrange it. I'm not okay with this but I have no choice in the matter. My only comfort is that because of the protection order the state is now aware of the situation and if the STBE tries leaving with the kids or keeping them from me he can get in a lot of trouble. While I was in court, L stayed at home with the kids and when I came back I found the three of them snuggling on the couch, talk about melting my heart. Not too long after I got home I had to take C into the doc's office because he just keeps getting worse. Find out its a virus and nothing she can give us will help make him any less miserable. My poor guy.
Wednesday night/Thursday early morning... Where do I even start? How do I put into words all of the thoughts and feelings from last night and this morning? After we dropped the kids off with my mother (so they wouldn't have to be dragged out of the house at 2:30am), we were going to head to the store to pick up a few things but I made an impromptu trip to the beach because it was sunset and absolutely beautiful. It was also freezing cold so we didn't walk long but found a table to sit at and snuggled and talked for a little while before finally heading back to the car. After that we both got a lot quieter, the fun seemed to go out of both of us because we knew that in a few short hours she'd be back on that plane and neither of us wanted her to go. So, we shopped, we went home and went to bed way early (I'm talking 9pm here) and even though we both knew we should be sleeping we talked for a little while. I cried, she held me, and things were generally just hard on both of us emotionally. When our evil alarms finally went off at 2am, getting out of that bed was torture. Not just because we were tired but because of what it meant. She was leaving. Almost as we were ready to leave L finally broke down and cried and it was my turn to hold her.
The rest of the morning and drive to the airport was mostly more of the same, us talking or being quiet as we both thought about her leaving. She snagged a nap in the car on the way and I didn't wake her up until we got there. Dropping her off at the terminal was unbelievably heartbreaking. I never want to have to do that again. The next time she comes out I hope is for good, but only time will tell. She said she has a lot of thinking to do before she makes a huge decision like that, and while I get it I just really don't like the uncertainty. After we said our goodbyes, I watched her walk into the airport and then drove away. Crying. Again. About halfway home I had to stop and get out and walk a bit (was getting drowsy) and saw that she might not be on her plane yet so I called and luckily she wasn't. I got to say goodbye one more time, tell her I loved her again, and I could hear in her voice that she was as heartsick as I was. When we hung up I cried yet again. Yes, I have been a regular waterworks lately. When I finally got back to my empty house (remember, the kids are with my mother) I crawled into bed and snuggled with the shirt she'd left behind. Her scent on that shirt and on her side of the bed I think were the only things keeping me from crying myself back to sleep.
And to end my week, tomorrow the kids get to see the STBE for the first time in 2 weeks and I'm a wreck. C has finally just stopped asking where daddy is and is slowly starting to listen better. This is just going to throw a wrench in all the progress he's made.
Can this week just be over please?