Monday, October 22, 2012

Intrusion and Forgiveness

The day of the divorce I made this blog public in hopes that somebody going through a similar ordeal as what I went/am going through would find some help from it.  A few days ago I found out that the one person I really didn't want to read it has been doing exactly that.  The ex has (not surprisingly) located my blog and decided that it'd be a good idea to read it, to "check on the kids and family".  Fantastic.  If he wanted to know about the kids he should have asked as very little gets mentioned about them in this blog.  As for his family, well the only family he has left that this blog would tell him anything about is C & R. 

After what he tried two weeks ago I am not at a place in my life where I can consider him family anymore.  I do not have it in me emotionally to relate to him in any way other than as C & R's other biological parent, and maybe as somebody I used to be friends with.  As is my nature, I will always care about him and what is going on with him.  This really truly complicates things for me because my head is telling me to break all ties with him to save myself the drama and further heartache but my heart, my big, soft, ever forgiving, and loving heart...  I wouldn't be who I am without my tendancies to care too strongly and too much but in this particular situation my brain wishes I could at least put a damper on those tendancies.

How do I leave my fears and anxiety of two weeks ago (and the 5ish years of abuse) behind and move on when I still care so damn much what happens to him?  I want him happy and healthy and in a good place in his life so he can be a part of his kids' lives.  Yet at the same time, until he is in what I consider at least a better place in his life I can't help but want to have minimal contact with him.  Yes, maybe this is harsh and me punishing him.  Maybe this is me thinking only about me.  Maybe me, on the day he tried to end his life, saying that I wished he'd turn out to be a dead-beat dad was a heartless thing to say.  But damnit, I just want to be free of the drama that always seems to happen between us.  If we can someday exist in each other's orbits without causing some sort of drama for the other person or our kids then maybe I will be able to finally let go.

Until the day comes when I can finally leave all of this heartache behind I will keep working toward forgiveness.  I can forgive him for everything that happened (eventually) but I will never forget what happened because I don't want to forget the lessons its taught me.  Those lessons are helping me see who I have the potential to be if I just have faith in myself.  I am strong enough to deal with all of this, I will be able to move on someday.  It may take me a long time, but I will get there.

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