Friday, June 14, 2013
When asking my friends for school advice for the kids this question wasn't even a blip on my radar of all-important-things-to-ask. Instead I asked about the teachers, and the curriculum, and if they can handle kids with attention and emotional issues like C's. Never once did I think to ask about things like if the school was LGBT friendly, or if it had serious religious leanings. I don't think of these things because to me our family is just like any other with small children. I don't think of these things because religion doesn't play a big part in our daily lives.
But now I'm worried.
The "what ifs" are bombarding my brain (at 2am no less), demanding to be given thought better late than never. What if our kids get teased for having two moms. What if the other kids' parents won't let them play with C and R because their family is "different". What if (heaven forbid!) the teachers discriminate against C and R because they don't like mine and L's "lifestyle". What if because we aren't a good Christian family that the kids get left out of after school playdates with their classmates? What if, what if, what if? If I didn't already have a headache this train of thought would definitely give me one!
At this point there isn't a whole lot that can be done. The kids' information has been submitted, they are both enrolled. We got to pick our first and second choice schools for the kids to go to but aside from that the school district will actually decide for us and once the decision is made and we are informed of it in late July/early August it'll be too late to change where they go this year. Best case scenario all of my what if worryings will be for naught and the school that the kids wind up in will be fantastic and open-minded, regardless of our family make-up or religious beliefs. Worst case scenario... I don't really wanna go there but we all know it'll be bad.
Only time will tell how this turns out but I know I've got my fingers crossed. I just really hope that our family's first foray into the public school system isn't a total bust simply because our kids have two mommies.
Friday, June 7, 2013
In my absence this past month I've been working on trying not to fall apart as my life goes through some major changes again. We are actually going through with the move to CO. It looks like it may be in as few as 5.5 weeks but could be as many as 8. Either way its too long though. L has already left for CO to set up her new job and she started working this week. Its been great for her in that she likes having something to do with herself, but being apart from our family has been hard on her.
Truthfully its been hard on all of us. R seems to be doing the best out of the three of us, she misses L a lot and asks for her on a daily basis, but mostly she's pretty accepting of the whole situation so long as I remind her that L wen to CO to work and find us a new house to live in when we move down there too. Unlike his sister, C is taking it pretty rough. He's been extra moody and clingy and strangely shy with strangers and even some people he has known since he was a baby. His therapist (yep, my 4.5 year old is in therapy for coping problems related to the divorce...) says that he just isn't coping well with yet another person leaving him and that the shyness at least is his way of "stepping out" to clear his head and try and adjust to whatever situation is causing him to be shy. Silly me opened my mouth and said that sounded just like something I do a lot and from that point on his most recent therapy session was actually a therapy session for me...
I basically got told that if I want my son to learn to cope and to be himself, sensitive and gentle and all, that I need to learn to do the same. How can I argue with that? I know that L is supportive and wants to help me get back to who I used to be, but its been so darn long that I just really don't even know how to be myself anymore. Its been too long since I've been allowed to be anything but the person who just shoves their feelings aside as an inconvenience rather than a real part of me. She also told me that having emotional reactions to things isn't a sign of weakness, just that I am a gentle and sensitive person. L has said something very similar to that on more than one occasion and while I love her and value her opinion above anybody else's, hearing the same thing from the therapist kind of made it really sink in. If somebody who didn't know me could read me so well and could pick up on one of my biggest challenges, then it must really be something to try harder to fix.
I've been hoping to find somebody to talk to but there just never seems to be a good fit, I never seem to be able to open up to a therapist the way I can to friends or even a few random acquaintances. And yet, 8 weeks before we are set to leave, I find somebody. Just figures!
C will see her maybe 3 or 4 more times before we leave and I strangely find myself hoping that maybe one of those times I will get to talk to the therapist more about me. I want to get better so I can be a better mom for C and R, so I can be a better girlfriend for L, but with this move and L and I being separated because of her heading down early for work I'm scared that I'm just going to get worse. My emotions are so tangled lately because of the legal stuff required to move the kids with me out of the state, and I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of packing up our house by myself (for the most part). Not to mention I'm finishing up Spring Quarter of school and I had to drop a class because I just got so far behind. There is just so much going on right now, so many complicated things that I am trying to juggle. I just don't have time to have an emotional reaction to anything, otherwise I'll never get anything done. I want to scream and cry but at the moment it will serve no purpose.
If I can just make it through until the truck is unloaded on the other end of this move, then I'll allow myself to react and possibly fall apart. But I'll be with L again, in our new home, in our new state away from so many of the issues that I've been dealing with for way too long, so what really will there be to fall apart about? For a little while I would just really like things to be simpler, just so I can get my feet back under me and get my head and my heart back on track for the first time in years. I'm so incredibly tired of everything being so complicated.