Thursday, February 14, 2013


**trigger warning**

Anniversaries mark big events in our lives.  Typically those events are something we want to remember because they come with happy memories, like wedding anniversaries or even birthdays.  Unfortunately there are also anniversaries for other big events in our lives that we really would rather not remember.  Deaths, heartbreaks, and (at least in my case) rape.  One year ago tonight my whole world changed forever.

I had been hurt by him before, three times I would call rape and multiple incidents of coercion to get me to do what he wanted sexually.  I wouldn't say I forgave him for those things but I had just shoved them out of my everyday thinking and had moved on with my life.  We had two kids together and I thought I needed him to make it by on a daily basis, to my way of thinking there was no point making things worse than they already were.  That is, until I got woken up with a hand pressed hard on my mouth and my nose being pinched shut while one of my hands was being directed to "get it hard".

After a year the details aren't as fuzzy as I'd like.  I wish I could forget how his hand felt on my face, on my throat, on the wrist of my hand that wasn't occupied.  I wish I could forget his words to me as he threatened certain acts that I knew were going to hurt like hell because they had hurt before.  I wish more than anything that I could forget how he oh so casually said immediately after, "Why are you crying, I didn't actually hurt you."  Only to be later followed up by, "I didn't realize you were crying until we were done."  Like there was actually any 'we' involved in the whole thing.  I fought to get away but he was stronger and heavier than me, I was groggy from sleep and he had me pinned so I could not force my body free.  A year later I wish I had called the cops.  I wish I had gotten the rape kit done.  I wish I had not waited two weeks to go to the police and CADA.

I'm not sure how things would have gone if I had done things differently but I can't help but wonder just how much suffering our family wouldn't have had to go through if I had not been so scared of confrontation.  I know the divorce wouldn't have been "friendly" and we likely would have had a huge custody battle for C & R.  But maybe the ex wouldn't have been able to try and kill himself if he'd been in jail for what he'd done.  I will never know.

I'm trying not to let this anniversary overwhelm me but I'm not sure how well I'm going to do.  As I'm writing this, I'm 30 minutes away from when the end of my life as I knew it started.  I haven't gone to bed yet, not sure how well I'll sleep, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to enjoy tomorrow/today (Valentine's day) a lot more than I did last year.  It shouldn't be hard.  This year I've got love in my life that I know will never hurt me like he did.  L is nothing like him.  I need to heal and to celebrate that love I have with her and I think that whatever grieving or pain I have to deal with on this anniversary needs to be dealt with tonight before I go to bed so that when I wake up I can move on with my life in a way I haven't been able to do just yet.

Monday, February 11, 2013

The great and the awkward.

Our family outting to the park today was a bit odd.  To any casual observer we might have appeared as two friends bringing our kids to the park or maybe one mom + kids and mom's friend, and maybe to the few people who might have noticed me holding L's hand for a while we might have appeared as what we really are.  That is, until the ex showed up too.  Then things started to get awkward.  Three adults, two kids and the kids calling all three of us mommy, mama, and daddy... 

Most of the time the ex was off following C, while R hung around with L and me.  She was obsessed with a couple of adorable little babies (an 8 month old girl, and a little boy maybe 14 months old) and one of them had two mommies.  When that trio first got to the park both L and I watched them long enough for us both to figure out what we thought we were seeing, then we looked at each other and smiled before she leaned into me and stayed that way till we had to go off and chase R again.  L isn't one for extreme PDA (making out in public) and I'm totally on the same page.  But she has said that even the more mild stuff like holding hands just opens up the possibilities for people being jerks.  I however, strangely considering my normally shy-ish nature, could care less what people think about whose hand I'm holding.  I love her and if I want to hold her hand dang it I will.  Or at least I would if I knew she wouldn't be uncomfortable.  So, when she leaned into me today at the park full of people I was on cloud nine.  She even proceeded to tuck her hand in my elbow at one point, and at another she let me hold her hand (sadly short-lived as R took off again...).

I wasn't brave enough to flat out ask if we could meet with the kids again, but R and the little boy totally hit things off so I asked them if they went to that park a lot.  When they said they did and then asked if we did, I explained we have a small park within walking distance of our house and normally go to that one but that maybe we should start going to the big park more often so the kids could play together the other mom's both smiled and said they thought that'd be cool.  I did my best not to squeal and do a happy dance right then and there.  Yes I'm excited at the prospect of R having a little playmate of her own instead of one of her big brother's, but I'm also kinda giddy at the idea of making friends with another two-mommy family.  I know there are others in this town, but seeing one at the park with their adorable little flirt of a baby boy (he was even flirting with me lol) just made me stupid happy.  Even if we never run into them again its nice to know we are in fact not alone.

I wish things were simpler sometimes and that the kids truly were just mine and L's but that's not the case and I'm okay with that most days.  And I'm happy to say that today's family outting to the park went great despite the awkwardness of our parenting situation and the fact that L still can't stand the ex.  I know where she is coming from, I know why she can't stand him, all I can hope for is that someday she'll at least be able to fake tolerance well enough to fool the kids.  She's been able to fake it with her step-monster for years so maybe she'll be able to do the same with the ex because I'm pretty sure its too much to ask (at least anytime soon) for her to be able to genuinely be friends with him.