Even separated from him, he still manages to make me feel worthless and completely unworthy of love. Especially of L's love. His words tonight, "Unless L is f*cking forgiving, she won't stick around long enough to put up with half the sh*t you've put me through over the past 6 years." And then he went on to explain that comment to mean that all I've ever done is lie to him for the past 6 years we've been together and that I will never stop lying, and that all I'll ever do with L is lie.
I haven't been lying to him. I haven't been lying to her. I know that I shouldn't let his words hurt me and mess me up so badly when I know they aren't true but it happens anyway. It feels like I have been crying since shortly after I got out of bed today and that I've done nothing else. Stupid me shouldn't have stopped by his house tonight after clinicals to pick up some laundry, but I did. And he was being moody and I played right into it and we wound up fighting for over an hour and a half, most of that time with me on the verge of tears.
I'm tired of hurting because of him but he wants things I can't give him (me primarily) and when I try to set boundaries he ignores them completely (ie: kisses me completely unwelcomed). We are supposed to be working on being friends but I honestly don't see this ever happening unless he can learn to live within the boundaries that he thinks I'm putting up just to ruin things between him and I more. Riiight. Because the boundaries aren't being put up to keep me sane?
I mostly want to scream and cry and throw things at the moment. I don't know how to process all the damn raw emotions he brings out of me. I want to be in L's arms right now, she makes me feel safe, at ease, and loved and without her here I feel a bit like I'm lost and drwoing in stress and worthlessness.