Friday, July 20, 2012

Raw feelings

Even separated from him, he still manages to make me feel worthless and completely unworthy of love.  Especially of L's love.  His words tonight, "Unless L is f*cking forgiving, she won't stick around long enough to put up with half the sh*t you've put me through over the past 6 years."  And then he went on to explain that comment to mean that all I've ever done is lie to him for the past 6 years we've been together and that I will never stop lying, and that all I'll ever do with L is lie.

I haven't been lying to him.  I haven't been lying to her.  I know that I shouldn't let his words hurt me and mess me up so badly when I know they aren't true but it happens anyway.  It feels like I have been crying since shortly after I got out of bed today and that I've done nothing else.  Stupid me shouldn't have stopped by his house tonight after clinicals to pick up some laundry, but I did.  And he was being moody and I played right into it and we wound up fighting for over an hour and a half, most of that time with me on the verge of tears.

I'm tired of hurting because of him but he wants things I can't give him (me primarily) and when I try to set boundaries he ignores them completely (ie: kisses me completely unwelcomed).  We are supposed to be working on being friends but I honestly don't see this ever happening unless he can learn to live within the boundaries that he thinks I'm putting up just to ruin things between him and I more.  Riiight.  Because the boundaries aren't being put up to keep me sane? 

I mostly want to scream and cry and throw things at the moment.  I don't know how to process all the damn raw emotions he brings out of me.  I want to be in L's arms right now, she makes me feel safe, at ease, and loved and without her here I feel a bit like I'm lost and drwoing in stress and worthlessness.

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