Friday, June 29, 2012

Differences in parenting.

I have gotten so used to the way that the STBE interacts with the kids that listening to how L is with them, while I'm laying in the bedroom trying to recouperate from endo surgery 2 days ago, just blows my mind.  She is amazing with them.  For the most part they listen to her and when they don't she gently reprimands them instead of yelling at them.  I'm so used to the yelling that the absence of it is deafening.

I know that they are two different people, nothing could be more clear, but still.  How did I let him treat them like that for so long with me just idly sitting by?  Why do I still tolerate it?  I know when they are at his house the STBE still yells at C & R.  All the time.  When the pain was at its worst and the three of us were staying with him I saw it first hand so I know that nothing has changed. 

Knowing the personality differences between L and the STBE I really shouldn't be surprised at how differently they interact with the kids.  I am grateful for them though.  Its nice to think that at least at our house there won't be the constant yelling.  Its nice to know that I will finally have somebody that isn't a walking time bomb to help raise C and R to be something other than more walking time bombs.  Here's hoping that nurture totally outweighs nature with the kids.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The feeling of Home

Home.  What exactly does that one word mean?  Is it a place you live, or where the ones you love live?  Or is it something more?  I think, at least for me, its more.  Its feeling loved and welcome and comfortable among people that matter.  I also think its accepting that you are loved and welcome by those people.  For the longest time I've known that my friends care about me and I've known that my family cares about me but knowing it and accepting it are two different things.

What sparked this sudden epiphany for me?  First it was my best friend S, then it was L's family.  On Saturday S came over to visit while she was in town for her dad's birthday and she brought me a graduation present, a wall scroll of a picture from one of my favorite artists.  It wasn't just any picture though, it was one that actually means something to me and she knew that which is why she picked that particular one.  May sound silly to some, but that gesture meant a lot to me.

With L's family, who we went to visit yesterday (yes, she is back in town!), I was completely shocked at how openly they welcomed me and the kids.  We weren't just people that L brought along to a family dinner, we were family too.  Wow.  While I hoped to at least be tolerated as somebody important to their cousin I was totally taken off guard when they welcomed us so warmly and at the end of the night sent us off with hugs and promises that we will be spending more time together as a family.  L isn't even living out here yet and already C, R, and I are being included in their family.  To me that is utterly amazing.

Parts of my own family would likely welcome her the same way, in fact one of my aunts has, but none of those people live close enough to actually interact with us on a semi-regular basis.  Not even my own mother has acted that way with her.  She's slowly warming up to the idea but she's being cautious I think mostly because she doesn't want to see me get hurt again so soon after the STBE, but also because of the fact that L is a woman.  Oh well.  She'll come around I guess.  But the majority of my mom's family won't approve of our relationship and I won't be "allowed" to bring her to family holidays or get togethers.  Its nice to know that with L's family there aren't any restrictions just because of who we are.

I have never felt so at home as I have in the past few days and I am pretty sure some part of me is changing for the better.  The part of me that was scared to let people in because of how I've had to live during the past 6 years, because i had to practically cut myself off from my friends and family because of the drama with the STBE, is getting smaller.  The walls I've put up are getting weaker.  I am finally able to start seeing glimmers of what real happiness is firsthand, what a real existance should be, instead of just observing it in other people's lives.  Thank you S, thank you L, and thank you to L's amazing family.

Monday, June 18, 2012



Talk about a long, draining, and headache-inducing afternoon.  But he signed the papers.  I had to compromise on some things, primarily visitation with the kids, but he willingly signed the divorce papers. 

From here I need to take myself down to the county courthouse and file them.  Once they are filed, because he signed them, we only have to wait three months and then the divorce will be final.  I honestly didn't think it would work out like this.  At a couple points I thought for sure that he was going to storm out of the house and refuse to sign them.  If he had I would have finished the papers anyway and just had him served with them but this is better by far.  The process will be faster and he knows what all the papers say and has agreed to everything so he has no reason to fight it when we get our court hearing.

Keeping all my fingers crossed it goes smoothly from here on out.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Getting on track.

So today was graduation from my current nursing program.  I fully intend on going farther with my nursing education but today was step one.  I still have 7 weeks to complete during the summer but those will fly by and then I will be able to take the state exams and work as an LPN.  I feel like I have finally accomplished something career related in my life.  Up till now I have just felt like a complete failure in the education/career department because I never finished college and had only been working retail/hospitality.  It feels really really good.

Now that my career is finally getting on track I need to finish getting my divorce on track.  I was supposed to file the divorce papers last week but just never quite got around to it because of finals and then dealing with really bad pain again.  This coming week I have a couple of appointments but other than that all I have planned is cleaning my house in preparation for L's visit a week from tomorrow (yay!!!).  That should leave plenty of time to get down to the courthouse and file those papers.  I just need to take the time to sit down with the STBE and cross my fingers he'll sign the joinder saying that he agrees to the terms of the divorce.  If he will then we should be legally divorced in 3 months, which will be approximately 3 months before L moves out here.  Yes its cutting things kinda close, I should have taken care of this a long time ago, but at least its getting done now.

Do I think he's going to sign the joinder?  Nope.  He is doing everything he can to make this situation harder now that its actually looking like its going to happen for sure.  He is refusing the parenting plan that he originally agreed to.  He is refusing to sign the papers at all because he says he wanted my wedding rings to save for our kids and I no longer have them to give to him.  He's just being plain difficult.  He claims to want this over as much as I do but he keeps finding reasons to not sit down with me and to not sign the papers.  I'm hoping that he'll stop being so darn stubborn and just do what he promised soon because I need to be done with this myself.  I really need to be done with this.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Slacking blogger plays catch-up.

So, over the past month I have hand written multiple blog posts.  I obviously still haven't gotten around to actually posting them though as the last blog before this one was from almost a month ago.  Why have I not posted them?  Mostly because of the rediculous amounts of time I spent at the STBE's house and he has no internet currently.  Yes, I was staying at his house.  Completely dumb move I know.  This was proved to me on more than one occasion yet I kept staying there.  Why?  Because of the damn pain.  It has been running my life of late, and without his help (which he would only give at his house by the way) the kids would have suffered because of my lack of ability to do much of anything.

Reasons for the handwritten posts?  Him crossing what I thought was a very clear line and me being scared of falling into old routines/comfort with him because of how much I was staying at his house.  Blah.  Maybe I will post those blogs someday.  For now, I'll just say this:  I am at home now and will not be staying with him again.  I only have 1 more day of class for spring quarter, then I can be a virtual veg if need be because of the pain.  I won't have to try and juggle pain and school work and kids.  Sure, it'll still be hard to balance things, but balancing is a hell of a lot easier than juggling.

Right now, my real reason for posting tonight, I can't get L off my mind.  If this comes as a surprise to you just stop reading and hit the "Next Blog" button at the top of the page.  For those of you still left, let me elaborate a bit.  I have loved her for a very long time, and tonight I found out the date that I actually told her I loved her for the first time.  It has been almost 6 years that we have admitted to being in love with each other.  Only 3 days after C's birthday we will hit that 6 year mark.  This blows my mind. 

If you're wondering how I found out the date, L told me.  She had been keeping a handwritten journal at the time and found the entry that she wrote about me telling her.  Her bringing up her old handwritten journal gave me a thought and I tracked down my old secret LJ account and (somehow!) remembered the password for it.  I scrolled down until I found posts that were about her.  One of the posts I had was basically a log of some of our more touching conversations.  I would just copy them and save them to that journal entry, updating it as new conversations happened.  It was both fun and a bit heartbreaking going down memory lane.  Among those saved conversation logs was a message from her telling me about her (at the time) secret blog and she gave me the link.  Did I visit the link?  You bet.

If my posts in my Livejournal were fun, yet heartbreaking, hers were mostly just heartbreaking.  Some had nothing to do with me and so I skipped them, but all of the ones having to do with me I read.  Most of them were very hard for me to read because I remember feeling guilty at the time, for how things were between us at the time, and I know how guilty I feel now about how things happened between us after she stopped writing those blog posts.  She tells me not to feel that way, but I can't help it.  There are also parts of her blog posts that I would love to write answers to.  I would love to be able to write little confirmations that things we thought would never happen have, are, and will.  She is my person, she is my favorite, and I am incredibly blessed that she found it in her heart to forgive me and has decided that she wants to make a life with me.

I love her more each and every day and absolutely cannot wait for her arrival back in WA in 2 weeks.  Its only for a visit this time, but in 6 months it will be a different story.  In 6 months her current lease will be up and she will be free to move here if she still wants.  At first glance it seems like 6 months is so incredibly far away, but then I realize that we have already been talking/together again for 4 months.  Its been hard being away from here for those 4 months but it has been manageable, and the next 6 will be as well.  Still, I can't wait to have the woman I love in my arms for good.

I love you L!