Thursday, February 16, 2012

Stop begging.

Today has been rough. My stomach is still constantly churning from the stress so I feel on the verge of being sick 90% of the time and within minutes of being home from clinicals (nursing student rememer) he starts in.

I have the biggest soft spot in my heart for children, mine especially, and when he starts in on how sad he is that he will be missing out on their lives it hurts my heart and I feel so guilty. How do I tell somebody who loves my children as much as I do "tough luck"? I know its his own fault, I know this deep in my soul, but still how do I tell him?

Not only does he try and use the kid button on me, but he makes so many other big promises that I know he will never keep. Why do I know? Because its part of his cycle. In the past during our horrible arguments where I hinted that I wanted to end things, he would do this. Begging and bargaining and making promises. And if I were to cave and take him back now, it would all start over again once he got comfortable that I wouldn't leave him after all. I will NOT cave this time though. My kids, and me, are more important than giving into the whiney whims of an abuser.

Luckily, I have my own personal version of a life preserver. Without her I would be drowning in all of this. She is there for me to call, or skype or IM whenever I start feeling overwhelmed. She knows me better than anybody and can help me get my thoughts in order and calm down enough to stop reeling from everything long enough to remember that I CAN do this. The only thing she can't do is hold my hand while I tell him exactly what needs to be said. And tonight, at some point, I need to make it clear to him that not only is he now a guest in my house but that if he continues to keep begging his time here will be cut short.

To him: Stop the begging, it will only make this harder for you.

To her: I wish you didn't live so far away.

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