Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Looking to the future.

The past 5 years of my life have been a roller coaster, full of ups and downs that its too hard to explain in just one entry. Maybe further on down the road I will try and explain the past but for now I just want to concentrate on the now, and the future.

The now (possibly triggering): I'm in the beginning stages of divorce. I have been married going on 5 years, we have 2 kids together, and he is my abuser (both emotionall and sexually). He has raped me 4 times since we've been married, the last time yesterday at 1am. It already feels like its been a lifetime since everything happened and while at the moment I don't feel like I'm drowning in the overwhelming number of emotions bombarding me, I don't expect my clearheadedness and calm to continue. Probably once the gravity of my decision really sinks in, or when he finally moves out (or both) I will probably start reeling again.

The future: A life without a man in it, unless you count my son and my dog. Being a single mother of 2 small children. Graduating nursing school and getting a job that will support my little family. Hopefully, when the time is right, finally getting a chance to love somebody who won't hurt me. I've got somebody in mind, somebody I have loved for longer than I loved my soon-to-be ex husband. Time will tell how that works out but, like with everything else, I am hopeful for a good outcome.

I know it will be a long and rocky journey but I can't wait to get out of this dark place in my life, and back to the light.

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