Friday, February 24, 2012

First step.

Well, they say that the first step is the hardest and after the minor anxiety attack I had yesterday when the lawyer called me back I have to agree. I know I am doing the right thing but that doesn't change the fact that, by nature, I hate confrontation and to me that's all I have been dealing with since I told him that things were over. Yesterday was no exception. He asked me to send him a message when I got done talking with the lawyer and I did. I told him everything that the lawyer told me and apparently finding out that 90 days after we sign/submit our papers to the court we will no longer be a family really got to him.

It hurts me to see him so upset over everything ending and he says I don't understand what it feels like to be losing everything he is. And while no, its not quite the same, I do understand. If anybody does its me because I was the one that shared his hopes and dreams for our little family and our future. I know exactly what he's losing. Every time he hugs one of the kids I can see him falling apart a little more inside. Even when he looks at me I can see it. And it just makes my heart ache.

Being sick and dealing with all of this at the same time is so hard. I'm tired and I don't feel well, and I just don't have the resolve I normally do when well. He tried begging me yesterday to change my mind again and instead of telling him he had to leave, like I'd told him I would, I just told him to stop and leave me alone. I feel like I'm being a wimp. Why oh why am I still only at the first step? I really just need this to be finished.

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