Friday, June 7, 2013

Complicated life

In my absence this past month I've been working on trying not to fall apart as my life goes through some major changes again.  We are actually going through with the move to CO.  It looks like it may be in as few as 5.5 weeks but could be as many as 8.  Either way its too long though.  L has already left for CO to set up her new job and she started working this week.  Its been great for her in that she likes having something to do with herself, but being apart from our family has been hard on her. 

Truthfully its been hard on all of us.  R seems to be doing the best out of the three of us, she misses L a lot and asks for her on a daily basis, but mostly she's pretty accepting of the whole situation so long as I remind her that L wen to CO to work and find us a new house to live in when we move down there too.  Unlike his sister, C is taking it pretty rough.  He's been extra moody and clingy and strangely shy with strangers and even some people he has known since he was a baby.  His therapist (yep, my 4.5 year old is in therapy for coping problems related to the divorce...) says that he just isn't coping well with yet another person leaving him and that the shyness at least is his way of "stepping out" to clear his head and try and adjust to whatever situation is causing him to be shy.  Silly me opened my mouth and said that sounded just like something I do a lot and from that point on his most recent therapy session was actually a therapy session for me...

I basically got told that if I want my son to learn to cope and to be himself, sensitive and gentle and all, that I need to learn to do the same.  How can I argue with that? I know that L is supportive and wants to help me get back to who I used to be, but its been so darn long that I just really don't even know how to be myself anymore.  Its been too long since I've been allowed to be anything but the person who just shoves their feelings aside as an inconvenience rather than a real part of me.  She also told me that having emotional reactions to things isn't a sign of weakness, just that I am a gentle and sensitive person.  L has said something very similar to that on more than one occasion and while I love her and value her opinion above anybody else's, hearing the same thing from the therapist kind of made it really sink in.  If somebody who didn't know me could read me so well and could pick up on one of my biggest challenges, then it must really be something to try harder to fix.

I've been hoping to find somebody to talk to but there just never seems to be a good fit, I never seem to be able to open up to a therapist the way I can to friends or even a few random acquaintances.  And yet, 8 weeks before we are set to leave, I find somebody.  Just figures!

C will see her maybe 3 or 4 more times before we leave and I strangely find myself hoping that maybe one of those times I will get to talk to the therapist more about me.  I want to get better so I can be a better mom for C and R, so I can be a better girlfriend for L, but with this move and L and I being separated because of her heading down early for work I'm scared that I'm just going to get worse.  My emotions are so tangled lately because of the legal stuff required to move the kids with me out of the state, and I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of packing up our house by myself (for the most part).  Not to mention I'm finishing up Spring Quarter of school and I had to drop a class because I just got so far behind.  There is just so much going on right now, so many complicated things that I am trying to juggle.  I just don't have time to have an emotional reaction to anything, otherwise I'll never get anything done.  I want to scream and cry but at the moment it will serve no purpose.  

If I can just make it through until the truck is unloaded on the other end of this move, then I'll allow myself to react and possibly fall apart.  But I'll be with L again, in our new home, in our new state away from so many of the issues that I've been dealing with for way too long, so what really will there be to fall apart about?  For a little while I would just really like things to be simpler, just so I can get my feet back under me and get my head and my heart back on track for the first time in years.  I'm so incredibly tired of everything being so complicated.

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