Sunday, March 4, 2012

Frustration and happiness

My life is an interesting mix lately: frustration at the housing/STBE situation and cautious happiness at rekindling an old relationship. I want nothing more than for my STBE to move out and give me the divorce I've told him I want but he has asked for a chance to prove that he can change for the better for our family. I'm all for him making good changes but I told him that they won't change my mind, and they haven't. I no longer have any interest in a relationship of any kind with him except maybe one of friendship for the sake of our kids.

I'm not sure how he thinks that he will be able to save our marriage, but apparently him finally taking care of his health and finally taking an interest in the kids is supposed to magically fix everything. And also, making the occasional comment about how he loves my body. Uh huh. What part of "act like friend only or get out" did he miss? What friend casually mentions that he's attracted to his room mate's body? This is what I get for trying to be nice. Not to mention the occasional argument about the whole situation in general. I still want him out, he still wants to stay, and whereas before he had said he'd give me the divorce and not fight me for the kids he has now changed his tune. Now that he's faced with losing everything he just can't stand it and he will fight me for them.

Enter the most supportive person in my life. Without her I'd probably be drowning in all of the stress and heartache this whole situation is causing me. If I start to panic she calmly talks me down by reminding me that in all actuality he is no real threat to me in regards to taking the kids. He sexually abused his wife, multiple times no less, and what judge would give custody to a man that can do that to his wife? If push comes to shove, I can only hope she's right.

To help lay the groundwork for the possibility of pressing charges against him for the rape(s) I made an appointment with CADA, the local domestic abuse support organization. I've been to them once before for one of the instances between the STBE and me, and I'm not sure if they still have that on record but if they do it will prove a history of sexual abuse by him towards me if I need to press charges. I don't want to, but if its the only way to keep my kids with me and get him out of my life I will.

Now for the happy part of my life lately. The same super supportive woman I mentioned above is the old relationship that has come back into my life. Immediately after the incident on Valentine's day, I sent her an email telling her that I was ending things with the STBE. I wasn't even sure if she would answer me, but I thought she would be relieved to know. We had known each other for years before I met the STBE, and only realized that we loved each other right about the same time he moved out to live with me. The situation was rocky to say the least and finally he made me cut her out of my life. My guess as to why is that she could see more clearly than I that even then he was abusing me and she was trying to make me see that being with him was not good for me. Being the stubborn person I am, I was determined to make my marriage and family work and I just ignored the truth. I gave in to his demands and cut off all contact with her to save my family.

Anyway, all that is in the past and by some miracle she not only still shares the feelings I have for her (because despite the time they never went away), but she is able to forgive me for hurting her so badly when I stopped talking to her. Naturally we both have some reservations about getting involved right now but we are both hopeful for the future. I have no doubt that once things are final between the STBE and me that we will finally be able to have a real chance together. The biggest obstacle is going to be the distance though as she lives halfway across the country. That, however, is a small obstacle all things considered.

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