Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I really should be sleeping...

Its late, I have clinicals in the morning, and I'm exhausted. So, you ask, why the heck am I still awake? As is my lot in life, the second I turn off the lights and try and sleep, my brain starts working in overdrive. I've got so much going on right now that I'm just anxious something is going to go wrong. Either my final exam on next Monday, my careplans and IPRs that are due Thursday, getting my house clean and situated in a way that has nothing to do with the STBE, and probably most prominent in my mind is the visit from L next week. By the time I post this it will be 5 days until she is due to arrive and I am a nervous wreck.

Why am I so nervous? Hmm, well lets see here, we've known each other for years and years, realized we loved each other about six years ago, and then I was forbidden to talk to her again. It broke my heart to cut her out of my life but what I felt was, I'm dead sure, nothing compared to what she went through when I broke things off with her. The fact that when I sent her an email, completely out of the blue, one month ago and not only responded, but didn't tell me to go jump off the nearest cliff still amazes me. Add in that she still had feelings for me like I have had for her all along... And we will only now be meeting for the first time. How is this NOT something to be a nervous wreck about?

If we finally meet in person and things don't feel right for either (or both) of us I will be devastated. Just being honest here. Even when I wasn't allowed to talk to her she was a bright spot in my life and I always dreamed that we'd get our chance someday. That someday is pretty much here, and we're getting our chance, but what if it just doesn't work? You may be thinking, "Forget 'what if'!" but for those who know me well, they know that questioning things and worrying is one of my natural skills. Yes, I know, such a wonderful skill. It has caused me more than my share of heartache in the past but it has also helped prepare me for the times that things have gone wrong.

Here's hoping that this is one of those times where my worrying is for naught.

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