Thursday, February 14, 2013


**trigger warning**

Anniversaries mark big events in our lives.  Typically those events are something we want to remember because they come with happy memories, like wedding anniversaries or even birthdays.  Unfortunately there are also anniversaries for other big events in our lives that we really would rather not remember.  Deaths, heartbreaks, and (at least in my case) rape.  One year ago tonight my whole world changed forever.

I had been hurt by him before, three times I would call rape and multiple incidents of coercion to get me to do what he wanted sexually.  I wouldn't say I forgave him for those things but I had just shoved them out of my everyday thinking and had moved on with my life.  We had two kids together and I thought I needed him to make it by on a daily basis, to my way of thinking there was no point making things worse than they already were.  That is, until I got woken up with a hand pressed hard on my mouth and my nose being pinched shut while one of my hands was being directed to "get it hard".

After a year the details aren't as fuzzy as I'd like.  I wish I could forget how his hand felt on my face, on my throat, on the wrist of my hand that wasn't occupied.  I wish I could forget his words to me as he threatened certain acts that I knew were going to hurt like hell because they had hurt before.  I wish more than anything that I could forget how he oh so casually said immediately after, "Why are you crying, I didn't actually hurt you."  Only to be later followed up by, "I didn't realize you were crying until we were done."  Like there was actually any 'we' involved in the whole thing.  I fought to get away but he was stronger and heavier than me, I was groggy from sleep and he had me pinned so I could not force my body free.  A year later I wish I had called the cops.  I wish I had gotten the rape kit done.  I wish I had not waited two weeks to go to the police and CADA.

I'm not sure how things would have gone if I had done things differently but I can't help but wonder just how much suffering our family wouldn't have had to go through if I had not been so scared of confrontation.  I know the divorce wouldn't have been "friendly" and we likely would have had a huge custody battle for C & R.  But maybe the ex wouldn't have been able to try and kill himself if he'd been in jail for what he'd done.  I will never know.

I'm trying not to let this anniversary overwhelm me but I'm not sure how well I'm going to do.  As I'm writing this, I'm 30 minutes away from when the end of my life as I knew it started.  I haven't gone to bed yet, not sure how well I'll sleep, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to enjoy tomorrow/today (Valentine's day) a lot more than I did last year.  It shouldn't be hard.  This year I've got love in my life that I know will never hurt me like he did.  L is nothing like him.  I need to heal and to celebrate that love I have with her and I think that whatever grieving or pain I have to deal with on this anniversary needs to be dealt with tonight before I go to bed so that when I wake up I can move on with my life in a way I haven't been able to do just yet.

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