The overwhelming darkness

This time of year has been hard for me since I was 18.  For the longest time I wanted nothing to do with decorating for Christmas, or celebrating it, or even seeing the decorations plastered in all the stores I had to shop in for the necessities.

One month before I turned 18 my Gramma died.  It had been a long process and thanks to shared intuition between me and my Mom we made the decision for me to go see her before my intended summer visit.  That visit was my chance to say "goodbye" and I'm so glad I took it even though the phone call a week after I got home truly shattered my heart.  I remember the exact song that was playing on my radio when the phone rang at 5am.  I remember what I did that day with a clarity I wish wasn't there.  I would love to forget that day completely but my tender heart won't allow it.

Considering I am 30 this year, it has been 12 years since I lost Gramma.  Many people would say that I should be past this heartache by now.  If this were my only heartache maybe I would be, but there have been so many since then that they have all just compiled to make one giant heartache that I can't banish or move beyond.

Not only have I lost Gramma, but I lost my Uncle Roy too.  My house should also have more kids in it than it does, six more to be precise, but only one other with a name.  I've also been raped by the man I chose to marry and be the father of all of those children, and have since divorced him.

Then there are my health problems, both old and those newly discovered.  I've known since I was 20 that I had endometriosis and while it is an awful disease to live with, I HAVE learned to live with it.  I know the risks it poses to my fertility but when it comes to risks to me personally there really aren't any.  In addition to the endo, I broke my foot two years ago and it has been causing me pain ever since.  I recently had an appointment with a doctor down here in CO and she informed me that due to the type of fracture I had, the docs I had at the time should have done surgery immediately.  If they had I would have significantly less pain, possibly none at all.  Instead most steps I take are at least achy if not downright agony.  Again, while awful to live with, its not life-threatening so I'm managing.

There is one newly discovered health problem that terrifying me.  It was discovered when I went in to sign up for a drug trial for a new drug that controls endo pain.  Part of their medical screening to make sure the subjects are healthy enough for the drug is an EKG.  Basically a scan of your heart to make sure its working the way it should.  Mine came back abnormal 11 times before they gave up and sent me to a cardiologist.  So, no drug to help my endo pain and now suddenly I'm being told there is something wrong with my heart.  As much as it would devastate me to lose the capability to get pregnant again and carry our growing child, I would rather all of my reproductive organs be removed than have there be something wrong with my heart.  But I don't get a choice.  It is likely thanks to something, a virus getting me so sick that it damaged my heart, happening to me when I was a teenager and we just never knew about it because I have no symptoms that stand out from my asthma or heartburn.  But now I am being told I have congestive heart failure.  At 30.

My heart is so full of loss and heartache that it is sometimes hard to see through the overwhelming darkness of it all to the light that has been growing in me and my life lately.

I try to remember how loved I am now.  I try to remember that our family is in a better situation now than it was up in WA.  I try to remember that my kids are healthy and thriving here.  I try so hard, but it is becoming increasingly harder to see the light.

I am hopeful that after this holiday season is over and I don't have to pretend to be happy all the time that I will actually be able to process things better, maybe even seek out therapy.  I know I need to take care of myself but I don't even have it in me to do it for myself.  If I do therapy at all, it'll be for the benefit of my children and my love, L.

Worries of a Kindergarten Mom: Home he comes.

We have made the decision to pull C from school.  He likes his teacher, loves learning, and wants to make friends but its the last one that's not working out.  In fact, in his desire to fit in with his classmates and make friends he is bringing home some very upsetting stories and behaviors.  These stories include him getting shoved down or tripped on the playground, getting punched in the nose in the library, and getting smacked in the face in class and those behaviors are being relived here at home in his interactions with his sister, only R is on the receiving end.

To make the reasoning behind our decision to pull C from that environment and find another schooling method for him clear, let me explain a bit about our boy.  He is sweet and tender-hearted, always the first to comfort somebody if he knows they're sad.  He is very eager to please and he loves helping with things because he knows it makes whoever he is helping happy.  He is also a joker, always trying to make people laugh.  Lately he hasn't been any of those things, if anything he has been the opposite of most of them.  Between the physical bullying and the emotional effects its having on him it wasn't worth losing who he really is just to keep him in school.

Snow day for R so she is joining C in school today.  And Houdini is "helping"
(he attacked R's pencil moments later)

We started homeschooling this week and so far it has been a success.  After a week off for Thanksgiving vacation, a week away from the bullies, he's already showing signs of improvement behaviorally and emotionally.  Signs, mind you, nothing huge yet but I am truly hoping that with more time the damage done will be reversed.  We've done 3 days of school so far and every day he says he loves it.  Today he wasn't feeling too good in the morning, and we had snow falling, so he was completely distracted.  By this evening he was feeling much better and started doing school stuff all on his own just because he loves to learn.  I can't wait until we get in a groove with the three Rs (reading, writing, arithmetic) so that we can branch out and add in other fun things more regularly.

Short post about something so huge, I know, but talking about the whole situation still infuriates me beyond belief and I try hard to follow the old teaching, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  Maybe after we've gotten a bit of time and distance away from the whole situation I'll be able to talk more on it but for now I'd just like to try and focus on the positives of today.

Innocent love and compassion.

Today on the way home from picking R up from preschool I was given proof of just the type of girl she is and I couldn't be prouder.

R: "That man with the hat, I just want to hug him!"

Me: I notice a homeless man sitting outside the little corner store we're stopping at and ask her "The man in front of the store?"

R: "Yes! I want to hug him!" She's getting very excited now.

Me: I park the car and as we're walking into the store she holds out her hand to him, he looks to me to make sure its okay and I just smile at him and ask him, "She wants to give you a hug, is that okay?"

The man: With a look of shock and joy on his face he answers, "Of course! God bless her!" And he got a classic R bear hug.

Once inside, R informs me she wants to give him lunch and tells me to get him a sandwich. Instead we get him a loaf of bread and some lunch meat. When we come back out and give it to him, she has a gigantic smile on her face and the man was speechless for a moment before thanking us. I told him it was her idea and he just beamed at her. 

Now, if I haven't mentioned before, R is only 3.5 years old.  And somehow she innately knows that feeding somebody who looks hungry is just the right thing to do and that a hug can brighten somebody's day. I am in awe of my baby girl today.

Me in church?

Until last Sunday I had not willingly gone to church since I was 18 years old (I'm now 30).  Sure I'd been in churches for friends' choir performances or rummage sales and, quite sadly, for a few funerals as well.  But I hadn't actually attended a service in over 12 years until we packed the kids into the car last week and dove right in.

If you're wondering why I haven't been to church in so long, the short story is that I just didn't feel comfortable going anymore.  The longer story is that after I graduated high school a lot of my friends in the church went off to college and when I tried going back after my first failed attempt at college, it just wasn't the same.  About that time I was also realizing that maybe mainstream Christianity wasn't my cup of tea for various reasons.  Not the least of which being that I'd fallen in love with one girl and was trying really hard to convince myself that my friend J was really just that.  Add in that I'd been slowly feeling more drawn to earth-centered religions and I was just a walking ball of sin.  I was convinced that if anybody ever found out they'd kick me out of the church, so it was just easier to leave on my own terms.

So, like my realization about my sexuality, my shift in religious beliefs wasn't just a phase.  I loosely follow an eclectic mix of Pagan traditions and don't really belong to just ones.  I also still believe in God, though my feelings on Jesus are mixed.  Essentially I believe in the christian God, but I also believe that he is not alone.  I observe the changing of the seasons, I talk to the moon as well as pray to God.

After reading all of that I wouldn't be at all surprised if you're confused about why I'm going back to church.  Well, mostly the answer is that it's just time.  I've been feeling really disconnected lately, not from my immediate family exactly but more like that I'm missing a sense of belonging to something bigger than just us.

L and I found a Unitarian Universalist church here in town and because L has been to UU churches in the past and has always felt comfortable attending them we decided to check that one out.  Before we went I had a chance to do a little homework (aka: ask the great Google) on UU churches in general, and especially the values and beliefs they hold.  Considering that they are not only accepting of my non-christian beliefs but integrate them into services, as well as the fact that they are LGBT friendly, I'm pretty sure this is going to be the kind of church we'll be attending from now on.  Also, whether we continue to attend the tiny UU church here in town, or travel 45 minutes to attend one of the bigger ones in the next sizable town/city is not decided yet.  The one here is certainly convenient, and the people of the congregation were all lovely and welcoming, but the congregation is older (more my mom's age) and I was really hoping for at least a few people our age with kids closer to C & R's age.  As it is we are the only people in their 20s/30s that attended last weekend, we'll see how this weekend goes because we're going back in the morning.  Who knows, even if no other younger people are part of the congregation this might just be our new church home.

Best surprise ever.

So when I wrote this post back in August about hoping to someday get married to my sweetie, I was expecting there to be a super long wait before she was even ready for one of us to pop the question.  Well, she surprised the heck out of me and last night after a pretty serious conversation about kids and marriage she got down on one knee and asked!  For lack of proper planning time, neither of us had an actual engagement ring handy for the other so we just exchanged our personal rings that we each wear on a daily basis and then we made a few phone calls and sent a few messages.  Today we've told a few more people but we haven't made a big general announcement yet as we're wanting to make sure all the important people (aka people who will get offended if they find out on Facebook) are told personally first.

As of yet we have almost no details worked out.  No date, no specific location (though we know it'll be in WA), and only one wedding party member confirmed because she's L's best friend and L couldn't help but ask her today when she called her to share the good news.   We also know we'll be using her grandmother's wedding bands (set aside for us by her cousin A), and that we won't be having a strict color theme.  While I'll probably be in a blue dress and her in a suit, L's maid of honor will be almost guaranteed to be in pink.  Its going to be a crazy fun mish-mash of clothes and people but I think its going to be amazing.  Especially if her cousin A helps me plan it like I'm sure she's dying to.

L keeps expecting me to break down in tears of happiness, and while I'm sure I will on the day (whenever that happens to be) right now I'm just so darn happy that I can't hardly stop smiling.  I'm also still in shock that it was her that popped the question instead of me, and that it was so soon, but in my heart I always hoped it would be her asking.  With her uncertainties and hesitance about marriage, up until now, I always wanted to ask but knew it would be better if I let her ask on her own time.  And apparently that time just happened to be last night.

Life turned upside down

So, shortly after my last post we made a very unpleasant discovery about our rental house that we moved into in July.  I'd been getting nasty blistered bug bites starting a couple weeks after we moved here and we thought it was just mosquitoes or some nasty flies.  It wasn't.  What it turned out to be, we discovered after we sprayed for possible fleas, was bedbugs.  Yep.  Bedbugs.  Is your skin crawling at the idea?  Mine is too.  Even now, knowing the house has been sprayed, my skin still crawls.

If you're wondering just what about yucky bedbugs have to do with my life being turned upside down, let me explain.  Those blistered bug bites were an allergic reaction to the bugs, which considering I'm allergic to other kinds of bugs and lots of other things (plants, animals, dust, etc.), isn't really all that surprising.  Unpleasant and annoying, but not surprising.  Most people their story with bedbugs would end as soon as you get the house sprayed.  Unfortunately, its extremely expensive to spray for bedbugs when a house is inhabited because all of the furniture and personal belongings of the people need to be sprayed too.  Our landlord balked at the price, offered to try DIY bedbug remedies, but eventually agreed to the professionals doing it so that C would have a minimum of upset now that he's settling in.

The day came for the first spraying and we stayed out as long as they told us, plus a couple extra hours so by all rights everything should have been fine.  After being home for less than an hour I noticed an odd burning sensation on my face by my mouth and over the next 3 hours it continued to spread up my face to my eyes, ears and throat.  It got uncomfortable for me to swallow, and was starting to get difficult to breathe when finally L and my mother convinced me it was time to go to the ER.  Turns out I was having an allergic reaction to the spray that was used to kill the bugs I was having an allergic reaction to...

We slept at L's office that night and then the next morning we called the exterminator to find out just what was going on with me and what we should do.  His suggestion: get a lawyer and stay out of the house.  When we asked how long it would take for the chemicals I was having a reaction to to wear off he told us three months after each treatment.  Because of the level of infestation in our house (apparently for over a year before we moved in, unknown to the landlord because the last tenants were just awful) we were going to need three treatments with the last one being a month and a half after the first one.  If I've confused you and you're trying to do the math for just how long this means I'm supposed to stay out of the house it is going to end up being about 4.5 months from the first treatment until I'm able to move back in.

Yeah...

So for the past week I've been living in a tent in the backyard, only running into the house long enough to use the bathroom and to shower when absolutely necessary.  I can't cook for my family, can't tuck my kids into bed, can't snuggle up on the couch with my partner and watch movies (let alone share a bed).  Its been a nightmare.  My depression is setting in hard being separated from them like I am, and I'm just in the backyard.  Because of it being fall and the weather starting to change, even this situation isn't good enough because it gets absolutely frigid at night.  Our landlord offered to let us rent a little two bedroom place a few blocks over for cheaper than he'd normally rent it just because its his house that is causing my health issues.  Unfortunately even a cheap rental, when you add on utilities, is way more than our budget can stretch to cover.  Not to mention I'd be totally separated from the kids and alone except for my dog.

In steps my friend B with an offer for me to stay at her house while we wait for my house to be livable for me again.  This will save us hundreds of dollars and I won't be alone, but I'll still be without my kids and my love.  My mom has offered to take the kids to school in the mornings so I'll just do pick-ups and then come over to the house and hang out outside during the day.  Its going to be hard, but its a better solution than me living outside in bad weather, or living in a house completely alone.

I just can't wait until my life is back to normal.  I didn't move 1600 miles to be separated from my family.

Family

There is something special about the relationship L and C have with each other.  She has loved him even when she and I weren't allowed to talk to each other, before he even knew she existed she loved him.  And just last week, after a year and a half of her being in his life, and 8 months of her living with us, something heart-melting happened.  L sums it up best with her post on onesentence.org "The first time he called me "Mom", he was snuggling with me on the couch and then followed it up with "This is the best day.""  Something tells me she felt the very same way. 

The dynamic duo R & C posing on R's first
day of pre-school.

Our family is settling in nicely here in Colorado and despite all the big changes in their lives the kids are doing especially well.  They love having friends they get to play with all the time, R especially loves school, C is adjusting to school slowly but surely.  Best of all though is that a lot of C's behavior issues seem to be mellowing.  He's still got a lot of the 4/5 year old boy moodiness and limit testing going on, but the extreme temper tantrums and things of those ilk have pretty much gone by the wayside.  The fact that C is actually feeling safe enough in our new life to call L "Mom" makes me feel like just maybe uprooting their whole lives was worth it.  

Even R is starting to call L "Mama" pretty regularly and that melts my heart too.  They love her, and they are starting to realize that she's really sticking around.  For preschool, R was asked to draw a picture of her family and she managed it pretty well.  There are 5 different colored stick figures and her teacher labeled them all according to who R told her they were.  There was Brother, Mommy, Mama, Mimi(my mom) and RyRy.  Our current living situation may not be "normal" but at least the kids know they are loved.

Speaking of our living situation, I now know we aren't the only two mom family at the kids' school!  I saw another one yesterday when picking R up from pre-school, they were there to get their son from the 4 year old class.  It may not seem like a lot to some people, but knowing we aren't the only family like ours at the school is really reassuring.  Looks like we aren't as alone as I've been feeling after all.

**Author's note: Please forgive me if this post seems a bit jumbled, I'm sick as a dog and operating on not nearly enough sleep.  The second I'm used to, add the first in and well... **