This time of year has been hard for me since I was 18. For the longest time I wanted nothing to do with decorating for Christmas, or celebrating it, or even seeing the decorations plastered in all the stores I had to shop in for the necessities.
One month before I turned 18 my Gramma died. It had been a long process and thanks to shared intuition between me and my Mom we made the decision for me to go see her before my intended summer visit. That visit was my chance to say "goodbye" and I'm so glad I took it even though the phone call a week after I got home truly shattered my heart. I remember the exact song that was playing on my radio when the phone rang at 5am. I remember what I did that day with a clarity I wish wasn't there. I would love to forget that day completely but my tender heart won't allow it.
Considering I am 30 this year, it has been 12 years since I lost Gramma. Many people would say that I should be past this heartache by now. If this were my only heartache maybe I would be, but there have been so many since then that they have all just compiled to make one giant heartache that I can't banish or move beyond.
Not only have I lost Gramma, but I lost my Uncle Roy too. My house should also have more kids in it than it does, six more to be precise, but only one other with a name. I've also been raped by the man I chose to marry and be the father of all of those children, and have since divorced him.
Then there are my health problems, both old and those newly discovered. I've known since I was 20 that I had endometriosis and while it is an awful disease to live with, I HAVE learned to live with it. I know the risks it poses to my fertility but when it comes to risks to me personally there really aren't any. In addition to the endo, I broke my foot two years ago and it has been causing me pain ever since. I recently had an appointment with a doctor down here in CO and she informed me that due to the type of fracture I had, the docs I had at the time should have done surgery immediately. If they had I would have significantly less pain, possibly none at all. Instead most steps I take are at least achy if not downright agony. Again, while awful to live with, its not life-threatening so I'm managing.
There is one newly discovered health problem that terrifying me. It was discovered when I went in to sign up for a drug trial for a new drug that controls endo pain. Part of their medical screening to make sure the subjects are healthy enough for the drug is an EKG. Basically a scan of your heart to make sure its working the way it should. Mine came back abnormal 11 times before they gave up and sent me to a cardiologist. So, no drug to help my endo pain and now suddenly I'm being told there is something wrong with my heart. As much as it would devastate me to lose the capability to get pregnant again and carry our growing child, I would rather all of my reproductive organs be removed than have there be something wrong with my heart. But I don't get a choice. It is likely thanks to something, a virus getting me so sick that it damaged my heart, happening to me when I was a teenager and we just never knew about it because I have no symptoms that stand out from my asthma or heartburn. But now I am being told I have congestive heart failure. At 30.
My heart is so full of loss and heartache that it is sometimes hard to see through the overwhelming darkness of it all to the light that has been growing in me and my life lately.
I try to remember how loved I am now. I try to remember that our family is in a better situation now than it was up in WA. I try to remember that my kids are healthy and thriving here. I try so hard, but it is becoming increasingly harder to see the light.
I am hopeful that after this holiday season is over and I don't have to pretend to be happy all the time that I will actually be able to process things better, maybe even seek out therapy. I know I need to take care of myself but I don't even have it in me to do it for myself. If I do therapy at all, it'll be for the benefit of my children and my love, L.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Monday, December 23, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Why I talk about the hard stuff.
I had an interesting conversation with one of my friends, B, today. She has been through a similar situation to mine (spousal sexual assault) and she too is now in a healthier relationship. While I was talking to her about my new love and how much L knows about my relationship with my ex I used the words "rape" and "abuse" and various other ones like those. And she stopped me short and told me she was proud of me for being able to talk about what happened.
Wow.
I talked with B a little bit more and I explained to her that, hard as it is, its important to me to be able to put words to what happened and to talk about it because I know there are people out there like me. People who have been through a horrible situation (abuse, divorce, infertility, chronic pain/illness, etc...) and who likely feel so incredibly isolated because of it. I talk about the hard stuff so that other people will know they aren't alone. Even if they aren't ready, willing, or able to talk about the hard stuff right away, they at least know that when they are ready that somebody will be there to listen. What B told me after that completely validated everything I had just said because she told me that while she isn't able to talk about it all just yet, that hearing me talk about it is "very very helpful".
This blog was originally meant to help me process the hard stuff going on in my life by laying things out "on paper" so to speak. I've always been able to think more clearly once I write things down and I'm actually able to see my thoughts before me and go over them. I had hoped that by having this blog public that maybe somebody in need of knowing they weren't alone would find it. And while B had no idea about my blog, if what I have been doing this past year to help myself has actually enabled me to help even one person, even just a little bit, in their own healing process then I know it was the right thing to do.
I have always been a fixer, have always wanted to help people when I can see them hurting. With this great thing called the internet I don't actually see a lot of the friends I've made in person but that doesn't change the fact that if I know when they're hurting and that I want to help. Heck, there are people out there that I don't even know but I know they're hurting and I want to help them too. If my talking about hard topics has even a smidgen of a chance of helping them the way it has helped B then I will certainly keep doing it. The more people speak up, the less alone we will all feel, and the stronger we will all become knowing that we've got support and understanding.
**Funny little bit of trivia: I used to write RP (role play storylines) on a forum and that's where I met both B and L as well as a few of my other good friends. I will forever be grateful to that board, and the author who's books our RP was based off of, for those friendships. One of which eventually developed into the amazing relationship I have with L now.
Wow.
I talked with B a little bit more and I explained to her that, hard as it is, its important to me to be able to put words to what happened and to talk about it because I know there are people out there like me. People who have been through a horrible situation (abuse, divorce, infertility, chronic pain/illness, etc...) and who likely feel so incredibly isolated because of it. I talk about the hard stuff so that other people will know they aren't alone. Even if they aren't ready, willing, or able to talk about the hard stuff right away, they at least know that when they are ready that somebody will be there to listen. What B told me after that completely validated everything I had just said because she told me that while she isn't able to talk about it all just yet, that hearing me talk about it is "very very helpful".
This blog was originally meant to help me process the hard stuff going on in my life by laying things out "on paper" so to speak. I've always been able to think more clearly once I write things down and I'm actually able to see my thoughts before me and go over them. I had hoped that by having this blog public that maybe somebody in need of knowing they weren't alone would find it. And while B had no idea about my blog, if what I have been doing this past year to help myself has actually enabled me to help even one person, even just a little bit, in their own healing process then I know it was the right thing to do.
I have always been a fixer, have always wanted to help people when I can see them hurting. With this great thing called the internet I don't actually see a lot of the friends I've made in person but that doesn't change the fact that if I know when they're hurting and that I want to help. Heck, there are people out there that I don't even know but I know they're hurting and I want to help them too. If my talking about hard topics has even a smidgen of a chance of helping them the way it has helped B then I will certainly keep doing it. The more people speak up, the less alone we will all feel, and the stronger we will all become knowing that we've got support and understanding.
**Funny little bit of trivia: I used to write RP (role play storylines) on a forum and that's where I met both B and L as well as a few of my other good friends. I will forever be grateful to that board, and the author who's books our RP was based off of, for those friendships. One of which eventually developed into the amazing relationship I have with L now.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Anniversary
**trigger warning**
Anniversaries mark big events in our lives. Typically those events are something we want to remember because they come with happy memories, like wedding anniversaries or even birthdays. Unfortunately there are also anniversaries for other big events in our lives that we really would rather not remember. Deaths, heartbreaks, and (at least in my case) rape. One year ago tonight my whole world changed forever.
I had been hurt by him before, three times I would call rape and multiple incidents of coercion to get me to do what he wanted sexually. I wouldn't say I forgave him for those things but I had just shoved them out of my everyday thinking and had moved on with my life. We had two kids together and I thought I needed him to make it by on a daily basis, to my way of thinking there was no point making things worse than they already were. That is, until I got woken up with a hand pressed hard on my mouth and my nose being pinched shut while one of my hands was being directed to "get it hard".
After a year the details aren't as fuzzy as I'd like. I wish I could forget how his hand felt on my face, on my throat, on the wrist of my hand that wasn't occupied. I wish I could forget his words to me as he threatened certain acts that I knew were going to hurt like hell because they had hurt before. I wish more than anything that I could forget how he oh so casually said immediately after, "Why are you crying, I didn't actually hurt you." Only to be later followed up by, "I didn't realize you were crying until we were done." Like there was actually any 'we' involved in the whole thing. I fought to get away but he was stronger and heavier than me, I was groggy from sleep and he had me pinned so I could not force my body free. A year later I wish I had called the cops. I wish I had gotten the rape kit done. I wish I had not waited two weeks to go to the police and CADA.
I'm not sure how things would have gone if I had done things differently but I can't help but wonder just how much suffering our family wouldn't have had to go through if I had not been so scared of confrontation. I know the divorce wouldn't have been "friendly" and we likely would have had a huge custody battle for C & R. But maybe the ex wouldn't have been able to try and kill himself if he'd been in jail for what he'd done. I will never know.
I'm trying not to let this anniversary overwhelm me but I'm not sure how well I'm going to do. As I'm writing this, I'm 30 minutes away from when the end of my life as I knew it started. I haven't gone to bed yet, not sure how well I'll sleep, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to enjoy tomorrow/today (Valentine's day) a lot more than I did last year. It shouldn't be hard. This year I've got love in my life that I know will never hurt me like he did. L is nothing like him. I need to heal and to celebrate that love I have with her and I think that whatever grieving or pain I have to deal with on this anniversary needs to be dealt with tonight before I go to bed so that when I wake up I can move on with my life in a way I haven't been able to do just yet.
Anniversaries mark big events in our lives. Typically those events are something we want to remember because they come with happy memories, like wedding anniversaries or even birthdays. Unfortunately there are also anniversaries for other big events in our lives that we really would rather not remember. Deaths, heartbreaks, and (at least in my case) rape. One year ago tonight my whole world changed forever.
I had been hurt by him before, three times I would call rape and multiple incidents of coercion to get me to do what he wanted sexually. I wouldn't say I forgave him for those things but I had just shoved them out of my everyday thinking and had moved on with my life. We had two kids together and I thought I needed him to make it by on a daily basis, to my way of thinking there was no point making things worse than they already were. That is, until I got woken up with a hand pressed hard on my mouth and my nose being pinched shut while one of my hands was being directed to "get it hard".
After a year the details aren't as fuzzy as I'd like. I wish I could forget how his hand felt on my face, on my throat, on the wrist of my hand that wasn't occupied. I wish I could forget his words to me as he threatened certain acts that I knew were going to hurt like hell because they had hurt before. I wish more than anything that I could forget how he oh so casually said immediately after, "Why are you crying, I didn't actually hurt you." Only to be later followed up by, "I didn't realize you were crying until we were done." Like there was actually any 'we' involved in the whole thing. I fought to get away but he was stronger and heavier than me, I was groggy from sleep and he had me pinned so I could not force my body free. A year later I wish I had called the cops. I wish I had gotten the rape kit done. I wish I had not waited two weeks to go to the police and CADA.
I'm not sure how things would have gone if I had done things differently but I can't help but wonder just how much suffering our family wouldn't have had to go through if I had not been so scared of confrontation. I know the divorce wouldn't have been "friendly" and we likely would have had a huge custody battle for C & R. But maybe the ex wouldn't have been able to try and kill himself if he'd been in jail for what he'd done. I will never know.
I'm trying not to let this anniversary overwhelm me but I'm not sure how well I'm going to do. As I'm writing this, I'm 30 minutes away from when the end of my life as I knew it started. I haven't gone to bed yet, not sure how well I'll sleep, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to enjoy tomorrow/today (Valentine's day) a lot more than I did last year. It shouldn't be hard. This year I've got love in my life that I know will never hurt me like he did. L is nothing like him. I need to heal and to celebrate that love I have with her and I think that whatever grieving or pain I have to deal with on this anniversary needs to be dealt with tonight before I go to bed so that when I wake up I can move on with my life in a way I haven't been able to do just yet.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
The insanity in the waiting game
Have you ever anxiously awaited something? The release of a new book by your favorite author maybe? Or heck, what about a three day holiday weekend? Or how about the arrival of your long distance love coming to move out with you or the results of your State Board nursing exam? Well, if you think I'm going insane waiting for those first two, at times you might be right but at the moment its definitely the last two that are driving me absolutely bonkers.I'm not sure how much I've talked about my journey to becoming a nurse in this blog, but I entered nursing school Fall of 2011 and graduated my school's LPN program the end of August this year. Then life happened (L visit, C birthday, divorce, ex's attempt at suicide, etc) so I just put off taking the exam until a "better" time. What a joke that was! The weekend before my exam I had two tests due and a paper, not to mention all my other homework. Oh well! I took my exam yesterday and am now rather impatiently awaiting the results. Most of my class that has taken their exam already got their passing results back within hours of finishing. I've already been waiting over 24 hours. Only one of my classmates had to wait a long time to find out that she passed, the other one that had to wait failed. So I'm basically looking at a 50/50 chance here and I'm constantly stalking the Department of Health's website, refreshing every couple hours (during business hours) to see if my license status has been changed to "Active" which indicates a passing grade for the exam. Its nerve wracking let me tell ya!
And then there is the biggest, most exciting thing to happen in my life since the birth of my children. Something I have been hoping for, and dreaming about for years. L is finally making the move out here and the train will be depositing her into my life and my arms in 25 days. Only 25 days!!! I've got so much to get accomplished before she gets here, mostly decluttering to make room for her stuff, and I just don't think I have enough time. The day she gets on her train will be the day after my last final for fall quarter, which means those two days she's on that train making her way across the country to me, I will be scrambling like a mad woman to make sure everything is ready for her permanent arrival into my life. I am so stinking giddy its ridiculous, but I'm also losing my mind. I so desperately want it to be December already so that I can see her again, so that our life together can officially start.
For the past few months I have felt like I've been stuck in some awful kind of limbo. My relationship with the ex was over but L was still so very far away, and nursing school was finished but I wasn't licensed yet. Even when things nearly crumbled around me with the ex's attempted suicide and L came out to be with me for a while, I still felt stuck in limbo. When she left in September the next time I saw her was supposed to be when she moved out here, I wasn't ever supposed to have to put her back on a plane and ship her off again. But I did, and it was horrible. And now, only 25 days away from her arrival, I'm sitting here banging my head against the figurative wall in utter impatience. I still may not be employable (aka licensed) by the time she gets here, but at least the most amazing part of my life will finally be able to move forward even if another very important part is still stuck in the mud.
Please please PLEASE let the waiting go quickly! I just want to wake up every morning next to, and go to bed every night with, my Love. (And it would be nice to finally be a licensed nurse too!)
Monday, October 22, 2012
Intrusion and Forgiveness
The day of the divorce I made this blog public in hopes that somebody going through a similar ordeal as what I went/am going through would find some help from it. A few days ago I found out that the one person I really didn't want to read it has been doing exactly that. The ex has (not surprisingly) located my blog and decided that it'd be a good idea to read it, to "check on the kids and family". Fantastic. If he wanted to know about the kids he should have asked as very little gets mentioned about them in this blog. As for his family, well the only family he has left that this blog would tell him anything about is C & R.
After what he tried two weeks ago I am not at a place in my life where I can consider him family anymore. I do not have it in me emotionally to relate to him in any way other than as C & R's other biological parent, and maybe as somebody I used to be friends with. As is my nature, I will always care about him and what is going on with him. This really truly complicates things for me because my head is telling me to break all ties with him to save myself the drama and further heartache but my heart, my big, soft, ever forgiving, and loving heart... I wouldn't be who I am without my tendancies to care too strongly and too much but in this particular situation my brain wishes I could at least put a damper on those tendancies.
How do I leave my fears and anxiety of two weeks ago (and the 5ish years of abuse) behind and move on when I still care so damn much what happens to him? I want him happy and healthy and in a good place in his life so he can be a part of his kids' lives. Yet at the same time, until he is in what I consider at least a better place in his life I can't help but want to have minimal contact with him. Yes, maybe this is harsh and me punishing him. Maybe this is me thinking only about me. Maybe me, on the day he tried to end his life, saying that I wished he'd turn out to be a dead-beat dad was a heartless thing to say. But damnit, I just want to be free of the drama that always seems to happen between us. If we can someday exist in each other's orbits without causing some sort of drama for the other person or our kids then maybe I will be able to finally let go.
Until the day comes when I can finally leave all of this heartache behind I will keep working toward forgiveness. I can forgive him for everything that happened (eventually) but I will never forget what happened because I don't want to forget the lessons its taught me. Those lessons are helping me see who I have the potential to be if I just have faith in myself. I am strong enough to deal with all of this, I will be able to move on someday. It may take me a long time, but I will get there.
After what he tried two weeks ago I am not at a place in my life where I can consider him family anymore. I do not have it in me emotionally to relate to him in any way other than as C & R's other biological parent, and maybe as somebody I used to be friends with. As is my nature, I will always care about him and what is going on with him. This really truly complicates things for me because my head is telling me to break all ties with him to save myself the drama and further heartache but my heart, my big, soft, ever forgiving, and loving heart... I wouldn't be who I am without my tendancies to care too strongly and too much but in this particular situation my brain wishes I could at least put a damper on those tendancies.
How do I leave my fears and anxiety of two weeks ago (and the 5ish years of abuse) behind and move on when I still care so damn much what happens to him? I want him happy and healthy and in a good place in his life so he can be a part of his kids' lives. Yet at the same time, until he is in what I consider at least a better place in his life I can't help but want to have minimal contact with him. Yes, maybe this is harsh and me punishing him. Maybe this is me thinking only about me. Maybe me, on the day he tried to end his life, saying that I wished he'd turn out to be a dead-beat dad was a heartless thing to say. But damnit, I just want to be free of the drama that always seems to happen between us. If we can someday exist in each other's orbits without causing some sort of drama for the other person or our kids then maybe I will be able to finally let go.
Until the day comes when I can finally leave all of this heartache behind I will keep working toward forgiveness. I can forgive him for everything that happened (eventually) but I will never forget what happened because I don't want to forget the lessons its taught me. Those lessons are helping me see who I have the potential to be if I just have faith in myself. I am strong enough to deal with all of this, I will be able to move on someday. It may take me a long time, but I will get there.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Its Final
The near disaster today in court was averted by an embarassing show of emotion on my part and a very sympathetic and understanding judge. Because the Ex never completed the state required parenting class we almost had to delay the divorce another month to give him time to do so. Only, when the judge saw how defeated I was at hearing that she asked a few questions of me then talked a bit more to him before deciding that she didn't want to punish me simply because he didn't get his act together on time. As it stands now, the divorce went through and is final but he has until the middle of October to complete the class or he has to go back into court and find out what the judge has to say to him. She informed him that she could decide to revoke his visitation or even go so far as to give him some jail time if he didn't get it done.
Anyway, once all was said and done today in court both he and I got what we wanted. I got the divorce finalized and he got the protection order dropped. I am officially no longer legally tied to my abuser except for the fact that I happen to share my children with him 3-4 days per week. Its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing this, yet at the same time I still feel like not much has changed. And probably not much will change until L's arrival in December unless he does something incredibly stupid like not completing the parenting class. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
On a little side note, today I am also finally making this blog public. I didn't want to have it public before simply so that he couldn't use anything I said or thought against me in court if he so chose. Now that he can't use it against me I'm putting this out there for the world. Or at least hopefully somebody in a situation similar to mine who is hoping to find out that they aren't the only person going through the ordeal of dealing with spousal sexual assault.
Anyway, once all was said and done today in court both he and I got what we wanted. I got the divorce finalized and he got the protection order dropped. I am officially no longer legally tied to my abuser except for the fact that I happen to share my children with him 3-4 days per week. Its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing this, yet at the same time I still feel like not much has changed. And probably not much will change until L's arrival in December unless he does something incredibly stupid like not completing the parenting class. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
On a little side note, today I am also finally making this blog public. I didn't want to have it public before simply so that he couldn't use anything I said or thought against me in court if he so chose. Now that he can't use it against me I'm putting this out there for the world. Or at least hopefully somebody in a situation similar to mine who is hoping to find out that they aren't the only person going through the ordeal of dealing with spousal sexual assault.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Starting in one week
Speaking of dealing with society's opinions on my new relationship... I don't want to hide who I am, or who we are as a couple, or that she is going to be helping me coparent and will be the kids' other mommy. I'm just not sure how to go about everything outside of our private life at home or among friends/family. The town she's from is super conservative and she could get bullied horribly if we were to walk down the street or through the store holding hands. I honestly don't think its that bad here, but I'm not sure where her comfort level is. I would happily hold her hand walking through the store, or walking in the park with the kids and the dog. I hate having to curb my behavior with her just because of what other people may think, even the thought of it makes me grumbly.
And then there is the matter of family. As I've said before, a good portion of my family will completely dissapprove. This will throw a wrench in holidays and get togethers, at least with my mother's side of the family. I don't want to hide her, or our relationship, from them but I also don't want to lose the connection I have just started rebuilding this year. I also have no idea how to tell them that I am dating a woman. Its so frustrating! I hate that people can't just accept that love is what matters, not what parts the two people in love were born with. The parts of her family that I've met so far have all been amazingly warm and accepting and I can't want to spend more time with them in the years to come. They already feel like family to me and I barely know them. Funny how that works isn't it? That people you barely know, but who accept you whole heartedly, are more family than those you are related to by blood who dissapprove of you in some way.
I've already told a handful of my friends about L and I. Again, as I've mentioned before, some were shocked I was even "that way" and others were just happy for me, no questions asked. So far I haven't lost any friends for being bi/gay/whatever. But once the divorce is final I do intend to work on telling the rest of my friends and the family members I'm fairly certain won't freak out on me and that makes me a bit nervous. I don't know how to go about it in the best way. I mean, one way or another they are going to figure it out (unless they are completely oblivious). Either I will tell them outright, or come December when L moves here they will notice changes to my posts on Facebook. Our Christmas photos are going to have her in them, other random pictures are going to have her in them, my status updates will change from, "The kids and I," to, "The kids, L, and I,". How are people not going to notice the difference? But will they figure it out and just start ignoring me or unfriend me? Or will they have the courage to ask me about how my new relationship is going and be genuinely happy for me when I get a big cheesey grin on my face?
Whatever the outcomes it won't matter. L will be here with me in a few months and we will finally get our chance to live the life we talked about so many years ago. The miracle in that never ceases to amaze me. I finally get my chance to love her unconditionally and without hiding it from anybody. She is my person, my favorite, and my future.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
What's in a name?
To me, names are about connections with people. Either the connection to your parents who named you as a baby, the connection to your friends or special someone who have given you a nickname of some sort, or the connection to the family you chose/created when you got married or had kids together.
Currently, the name I have is one that I love and treasure. Even the last name which is mine only due to marriage I love. However, the reasons I love my last name have nothing to do with who I got it from anymore. The reasons I love it are cute, small, and snuggling with me as I type this. C and R have that last name and it is a connection we share that I love to be able to point to and say, "See, they're mine."
A few days ago I was told by the STBE, their father, that when the divorce is final I have to change my last name back to my maiden name. I told him he was crazy. Yep you read that right, I fully intend on keeping the STBE's last name. But its not because I want to keep a connection to him, its because I don't want to remove the one I have to the kids. His argument? I gave birth to them so I will always have a biological connection to them so I don't need to have the same last name as them just like he didn't have the same last name as his mom when he was growing up.
Well the reason his mother didn't share his last name was that she had remarried. If the day comes that I do get remarried its entirely possible that at that time I'll want to take a different last name, especially if the person I'm marrying wants me to. Until then I want to keep the same one that my children have. Maybe its not the typical way of doing things for most divorcing couples, and maybe he's going to resent me for keeping a name that he says I have no right to anymore, but for now its how things are going to be and the STBE is just going to have to deal with it.
Currently, the name I have is one that I love and treasure. Even the last name which is mine only due to marriage I love. However, the reasons I love my last name have nothing to do with who I got it from anymore. The reasons I love it are cute, small, and snuggling with me as I type this. C and R have that last name and it is a connection we share that I love to be able to point to and say, "See, they're mine."
A few days ago I was told by the STBE, their father, that when the divorce is final I have to change my last name back to my maiden name. I told him he was crazy. Yep you read that right, I fully intend on keeping the STBE's last name. But its not because I want to keep a connection to him, its because I don't want to remove the one I have to the kids. His argument? I gave birth to them so I will always have a biological connection to them so I don't need to have the same last name as them just like he didn't have the same last name as his mom when he was growing up.
Well the reason his mother didn't share his last name was that she had remarried. If the day comes that I do get remarried its entirely possible that at that time I'll want to take a different last name, especially if the person I'm marrying wants me to. Until then I want to keep the same one that my children have. Maybe its not the typical way of doing things for most divorcing couples, and maybe he's going to resent me for keeping a name that he says I have no right to anymore, but for now its how things are going to be and the STBE is just going to have to deal with it.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Chapters' end, chapter's start
So, with that part of my life over I can't help but look to the upcoming months and know that there is so much about to change. L will be back for a visit in less than 2 weeks (thank goodness!) and this will hopefully be her last visit. After this she will hopefully be moving here for good. I can't tell you how excited this thought makes me, words just don't do the feeling justice, but I'm sure you can guess. Soon the period in my life where the one person I want with me the most is living across the country will be over.
Next month will also see the offical, legal, final end to my marriage and the STBE will actually be the Ex. This is both a stressfull thing and a relief. Its stressful because there is so much I need to get done between now and our court date and I'm more than a little overwhelmed. The thought of the actual court appearance freaks me out too. What if the judge doesn't like how we've handled things and changes them? The STBE will throw a fit, not literally I'm sure, and will likely refuse to go through with the divorce unless the judge goes through with what he and I originally agreed on. Not only does the thought of the divorce becoming some long drawn-out process freak me out for the pure fact of it becoming a long drawn-out process, but more than that it freaks me out because if it does go that way I'm scared L won't move out here after all. Or at least not as soon as she would if things go smoothly.
As for the relief caused by the final ending of my marriage, I would think its obvious. I will no longer be legally tied to my abuser. If you can't guess, this is huge. For the past 6 years I have been emotionally abused by this man. For the past 5 I have been sexually abused by this man. As of September 26th, if all goes according to plan, I will no longer have to explain to people that my abuser is also my husband. I will no longer be a statistic, a woman in an abusive relationship who couldn't (or wouldn't) get out. I will be free. Sure, there will still be drama between him and I. When I had kids with him I signed up for life-long drama. But, even with the drama I won't feel obligated to deal with it because I will no longer legally be 'his'. Whew!
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| *bit - please forgive the typo Swype hates me... |
Monday, June 18, 2012
Signatures
Talk about a long, draining, and headache-inducing afternoon. But he signed the papers. I had to compromise on some things, primarily visitation with the kids, but he willingly signed the divorce papers.
From here I need to take myself down to the county courthouse and file them. Once they are filed, because he signed them, we only have to wait three months and then the divorce will be final. I honestly didn't think it would work out like this. At a couple points I thought for sure that he was going to storm out of the house and refuse to sign them. If he had I would have finished the papers anyway and just had him served with them but this is better by far. The process will be faster and he knows what all the papers say and has agreed to everything so he has no reason to fight it when we get our court hearing.
Keeping all my fingers crossed it goes smoothly from here on out.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Getting on track.
So today was graduation from my current nursing program. I fully intend on going farther with my nursing education but today was step one. I still have 7 weeks to complete during the summer but those will fly by and then I will be able to take the state exams and work as an LPN. I feel like I have finally accomplished something career related in my life. Up till now I have just felt like a complete failure in the education/career department because I never finished college and had only been working retail/hospitality. It feels really really good.
Now that my career is finally getting on track I need to finish getting my divorce on track. I was supposed to file the divorce papers last week but just never quite got around to it because of finals and then dealing with really bad pain again. This coming week I have a couple of appointments but other than that all I have planned is cleaning my house in preparation for L's visit a week from tomorrow (yay!!!). That should leave plenty of time to get down to the courthouse and file those papers. I just need to take the time to sit down with the STBE and cross my fingers he'll sign the joinder saying that he agrees to the terms of the divorce. If he will then we should be legally divorced in 3 months, which will be approximately 3 months before L moves out here. Yes its cutting things kinda close, I should have taken care of this a long time ago, but at least its getting done now.
Do I think he's going to sign the joinder? Nope. He is doing everything he can to make this situation harder now that its actually looking like its going to happen for sure. He is refusing the parenting plan that he originally agreed to. He is refusing to sign the papers at all because he says he wanted my wedding rings to save for our kids and I no longer have them to give to him. He's just being plain difficult. He claims to want this over as much as I do but he keeps finding reasons to not sit down with me and to not sign the papers. I'm hoping that he'll stop being so darn stubborn and just do what he promised soon because I need to be done with this myself. I really need to be done with this.
Now that my career is finally getting on track I need to finish getting my divorce on track. I was supposed to file the divorce papers last week but just never quite got around to it because of finals and then dealing with really bad pain again. This coming week I have a couple of appointments but other than that all I have planned is cleaning my house in preparation for L's visit a week from tomorrow (yay!!!). That should leave plenty of time to get down to the courthouse and file those papers. I just need to take the time to sit down with the STBE and cross my fingers he'll sign the joinder saying that he agrees to the terms of the divorce. If he will then we should be legally divorced in 3 months, which will be approximately 3 months before L moves out here. Yes its cutting things kinda close, I should have taken care of this a long time ago, but at least its getting done now.
Do I think he's going to sign the joinder? Nope. He is doing everything he can to make this situation harder now that its actually looking like its going to happen for sure. He is refusing the parenting plan that he originally agreed to. He is refusing to sign the papers at all because he says he wanted my wedding rings to save for our kids and I no longer have them to give to him. He's just being plain difficult. He claims to want this over as much as I do but he keeps finding reasons to not sit down with me and to not sign the papers. I'm hoping that he'll stop being so darn stubborn and just do what he promised soon because I need to be done with this myself. I really need to be done with this.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
When to draw the line?
How do you determine just when and where to draw the line with an ex? What boundaries shouldn't be crossed with somebody that knows you so well, that was part of your life for so long? I suppose it depends on the nature of the break-up; what the reasons were behind it and how well it went over with the person being left behind. The STBE did something to me (on more than one occaison) that was just utterly unforgiveable and in the end I got a protection order against him to keep him away from me, and he got so mad at me for it because he thinks that I was "never abused" by him. Obviously there should probably be some pretty strong lines drawn, and some pretty rigid boudaries in place, between us yet for whatever reason there just aren't.
You are probably asking why I got the protection order if I'm not taking advantage of it and using it to give myself those boundaries that I need and want. Thats a good question. Honestly its just because of convenience that I'm ignoring it. We have nobody to act as our go-between when it comes to C & R so we have to exchange them in person, either him coming to get them or me droppping them off etc. This also means that he calls and texts me whenever he feels like it. At first that was mostly about the kids but now its just all the time, about anything. I'm getting super frustrated with this but I feel like its already too late to do anything about it.
I think if we were able to keep our interactions to a minimum, regarding only the kids, then maybe I'd be okay with not 100% sticking to the protection order. As it is though, he has invited me to stay the night if I've had a stressful day, he talks almost constantly about his new lady friend and how he's charming her off her feet and into bed, he knows that I want nothing to do with him (especially sexually) yet he has offered that when I want more kids that he'll be the donor... The lines aren't just blurred, they've been totally obliterated. What do I do?
With R's second birthday coming up in just under three weeks my choices are rather limited. I know he wants to come to her party, I know he'll be devastated if he can't. I know he wants me to drop the protection order. Yet I want to tell him to just leave me alone. I want to explain to him that he's hurting and confusing me more and more every time I see him and to stop trying to build a friendship between us because I am nowhere near ready for something like that yet. Hell, I HAVE tried explaining this to him yet he just ignores what I'm saying and pleads his case that "its better for the kids if we are friends." And damnit, he's right. It is better for them to see us interacting in a friendly manner.
Unfortunately, there is friendly, and then there is "friendly," and he is leaning more towards the second option. He says he doesn't want me anymore because he's falling in love with somebody new, yet he still says things to me that feel like he's trying to convince me that the choice I made was a mistake. I know in my heart that I made the right choice, I have absolutely no doubts. I hate him for what he did to me and I would honestly be happiest if he would just suddenly decide he wanted nothing to do with me and the kids so we could go about our lives without him in it. But we're stuck with him. And this means I'm stuck with his damn inappropriate offers and flirting. My complete inability to deal with confrontation makes it impossible for me to utilize the protection order, let alone do something as simple as tell him to knock the sh*t off.
I know that I need to work on this, setting boundaries with him, but I'm just not able to yet and I'm worried that by the time I have the ability it will be too late.
You are probably asking why I got the protection order if I'm not taking advantage of it and using it to give myself those boundaries that I need and want. Thats a good question. Honestly its just because of convenience that I'm ignoring it. We have nobody to act as our go-between when it comes to C & R so we have to exchange them in person, either him coming to get them or me droppping them off etc. This also means that he calls and texts me whenever he feels like it. At first that was mostly about the kids but now its just all the time, about anything. I'm getting super frustrated with this but I feel like its already too late to do anything about it.
I think if we were able to keep our interactions to a minimum, regarding only the kids, then maybe I'd be okay with not 100% sticking to the protection order. As it is though, he has invited me to stay the night if I've had a stressful day, he talks almost constantly about his new lady friend and how he's charming her off her feet and into bed, he knows that I want nothing to do with him (especially sexually) yet he has offered that when I want more kids that he'll be the donor... The lines aren't just blurred, they've been totally obliterated. What do I do?
With R's second birthday coming up in just under three weeks my choices are rather limited. I know he wants to come to her party, I know he'll be devastated if he can't. I know he wants me to drop the protection order. Yet I want to tell him to just leave me alone. I want to explain to him that he's hurting and confusing me more and more every time I see him and to stop trying to build a friendship between us because I am nowhere near ready for something like that yet. Hell, I HAVE tried explaining this to him yet he just ignores what I'm saying and pleads his case that "its better for the kids if we are friends." And damnit, he's right. It is better for them to see us interacting in a friendly manner.
Unfortunately, there is friendly, and then there is "friendly," and he is leaning more towards the second option. He says he doesn't want me anymore because he's falling in love with somebody new, yet he still says things to me that feel like he's trying to convince me that the choice I made was a mistake. I know in my heart that I made the right choice, I have absolutely no doubts. I hate him for what he did to me and I would honestly be happiest if he would just suddenly decide he wanted nothing to do with me and the kids so we could go about our lives without him in it. But we're stuck with him. And this means I'm stuck with his damn inappropriate offers and flirting. My complete inability to deal with confrontation makes it impossible for me to utilize the protection order, let alone do something as simple as tell him to knock the sh*t off.
I know that I need to work on this, setting boundaries with him, but I'm just not able to yet and I'm worried that by the time I have the ability it will be too late.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Heartbreaking day
I have been so excited for this day to come, the start of Spring Quarter! Only it started off really, really bad... My good friend, the woman who was my doula for R's birth, called me this morning to tell me that the baby she had been carrying for 17 weeks had passed away and that she was in labor. She asked me to double check and make sure he school knew (we're both in the same Nursing program) and to let our classmates know. Of couse I told her I would, and as soon as I hung up the phone I had to fight back tears.
I somehow managed not to cry at all today until I saw her post on facebook that the baby had been a girl. The girl she has dreamed about for so long. The baby she will never get to watch grow up is he girl she had been hoping for with all her heart. Her name was beautiful and perfect. She will be very missed.
And while this is the worst part of my day by far, I've been exchanging emails with the STBE regarding visits with the kids and him watching them while I'm at clinicals and such and in one of his emails he mentioned wantin to take the kids on a trip around the same time I want to go visit L. I told him that if we could coordinate our trips then it would probably work out better for everybody. The email he sent me back was rude and kinda got to me. Him telling me I didn't need to "hide" her (meaning L) and that he just wanted to be done with this garbage and get the divorce papers signed. Garbage. Well, it probably shouldn't bother me but it does. Having our marriage called garbage by the man who swears up and down that he never abused me... Grr.
Anyway, just needed to vent my heartbreak and frustration today. Not much else going on.
I somehow managed not to cry at all today until I saw her post on facebook that the baby had been a girl. The girl she has dreamed about for so long. The baby she will never get to watch grow up is he girl she had been hoping for with all her heart. Her name was beautiful and perfect. She will be very missed.
And while this is the worst part of my day by far, I've been exchanging emails with the STBE regarding visits with the kids and him watching them while I'm at clinicals and such and in one of his emails he mentioned wantin to take the kids on a trip around the same time I want to go visit L. I told him that if we could coordinate our trips then it would probably work out better for everybody. The email he sent me back was rude and kinda got to me. Him telling me I didn't need to "hide" her (meaning L) and that he just wanted to be done with this garbage and get the divorce papers signed. Garbage. Well, it probably shouldn't bother me but it does. Having our marriage called garbage by the man who swears up and down that he never abused me... Grr.
Anyway, just needed to vent my heartbreak and frustration today. Not much else going on.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Climbing the mountain...
...of darn paperwork! Good heavens! Whoever it was that decided that they needed to kill an entire forest for divorce papers needs to be shot. Or at least better educated on the ill effects of deforestation on our planet. You think I'm kidding? Request a packet from your local lawyer and you'll see what I mean.
Anyway, that is the task I have decided to tackle today. Filling out the mountain of papers to the best of my ability and then leaving the rest for whenever the darn volunteer lawyer decides I'm worth her time to actually call back and make an appointment with. Just because she works from home and on a volunteer basis doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice for her to call me back and at least acknowledge that I've returned her call and that she'll eventually get around to seeing me. To say I'm frustrated with the entire situation would most definitely be an understatement, but as she is a volunteer and will be handling this all for free I guess I can't get too grumbly.
Not really a whole lot else going on here I guess. Except that the kids saw the STBE yesterday for the first time in two weeks yesterday. Before going yesterday our oldest, C (who is 3.5), was saying how he didn't want to see daddy so I told him that daddy loved him and wanted to see him and play with him. Then, when they came home, he refused to come in the house because he didn't want me. Ouch. I don't know if the STBE told C anything to make him say that and carry on the way he did or if it was just "normal" toddler confusion over the whole situation. Either way it broke me heart and just added to yesterday's other woes.
Also, I've pretty much decided that the end of April or beginning of May I will be taking a solo trip out to see L. The next time she would be able to fly out here wouldn't be until probably mid-June and that is just too far away for either of us. I will have to do some very creative budgetting to make it work, and beg either my mother or the STBE (or both) to watch the kids while I'm gone, but I need to go. I have been in need of a vacation for years and this seems like the perfect reason to finally take one. Going through a divorce and having your #1 support person thousands of miles away just isn't very conducive to a fully functional and sane existence. While she was here I felt so much more at ease and was able to just roll with things as they came my way. And, if needed, I'd vent or cry and she'd talk to me and hold me and things would get better.
Well, it seems my temporary silence has ended, C & R are waking up from their naps, so I better tuck away the mountain and get back to reality.
Anyway, that is the task I have decided to tackle today. Filling out the mountain of papers to the best of my ability and then leaving the rest for whenever the darn volunteer lawyer decides I'm worth her time to actually call back and make an appointment with. Just because she works from home and on a volunteer basis doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice for her to call me back and at least acknowledge that I've returned her call and that she'll eventually get around to seeing me. To say I'm frustrated with the entire situation would most definitely be an understatement, but as she is a volunteer and will be handling this all for free I guess I can't get too grumbly.
Not really a whole lot else going on here I guess. Except that the kids saw the STBE yesterday for the first time in two weeks yesterday. Before going yesterday our oldest, C (who is 3.5), was saying how he didn't want to see daddy so I told him that daddy loved him and wanted to see him and play with him. Then, when they came home, he refused to come in the house because he didn't want me. Ouch. I don't know if the STBE told C anything to make him say that and carry on the way he did or if it was just "normal" toddler confusion over the whole situation. Either way it broke me heart and just added to yesterday's other woes.
Also, I've pretty much decided that the end of April or beginning of May I will be taking a solo trip out to see L. The next time she would be able to fly out here wouldn't be until probably mid-June and that is just too far away for either of us. I will have to do some very creative budgetting to make it work, and beg either my mother or the STBE (or both) to watch the kids while I'm gone, but I need to go. I have been in need of a vacation for years and this seems like the perfect reason to finally take one. Going through a divorce and having your #1 support person thousands of miles away just isn't very conducive to a fully functional and sane existence. While she was here I felt so much more at ease and was able to just roll with things as they came my way. And, if needed, I'd vent or cry and she'd talk to me and hold me and things would get better.
Well, it seems my temporary silence has ended, C & R are waking up from their naps, so I better tuck away the mountain and get back to reality.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
A brand new ending
I think that this is going to become my personal statement for a while. I know its impossible to change the past, and all things considered if I did then I wouldn't have my two wonderful kidlets and that I wouldn't change for the world. So even if it were possible I wouldn't do it.What is possible, however, is changing how my future will play out. I've already taken a few steps towards a better life, I have a few more coming up this week, and even more over the weeks and months to come.
I'm trying really hard not to be anxious or worried about the future, but as anybody who knows me well can attest, I'm a natural worrier so this is a very hard thing for me. Instead I am trying to be excited about how my life will be from here on out. I have so many opportunities to make a better, happier life for myself, C, and R, and I am going to do my best to take advantage of as many of those opportunities as possible.
This coming week alone I have some pretty important stuff going on. Monday is my final exam for 2nd quarter of nursing school (half way done!) and also the day that a very special someone will be arriving in WA. If I can concentrate on my exam in the morning I'll be pleasantly surprised. Tuesday I have my first therapy appointment to help me deal with everything that went on between the STBE and me. Wednesday is going to be the hard day this week: court. I admit I'm scared to death that the judge won't uphold the protection order and that the STBE will be able to come home. And if he does he'll find L here with the kids and likely go ballistic and try to take the kids right then and there. Even if the protection order is turned permanent its going to be an emotionally draining day and having L here will be nothing short of a miracle. Thursday morning (way too early for this girl) I have to take L back to the airport. Not looking forward to that one bit, but having her here for even such a short visit after waiting almost 6 years since we realized we had feelings for each other? Totally worth it =).
After that all I have going is Spring Break from school. I plan to ignore everything having to do with nursing for the entire break and just focus on getting reacquainted with friends that I haven't seen or done much with over the past few years thanks to the STBE's role in my life. I'm probably even going to get a new tattoo! If I do, I'll post a picture. I already know what it will be, and its really simple but has a lot of meaning to me.
Anyway, here's to a brand new (and much happier) ending!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
It all hit the fan
So, Monday I did something that wasn't easy. Tuesday I did something completely miserable. Wednesday I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Its been a horribly horrible week and I am SO greatful that its almost over. Now if only I knew for certain that things were going to be smooth sailing from here but consdering what I did this week I'm almost 100% sure that things will be anything but smooth.
**Fair warning, the rest of this blog might be triggering**
Monday I worked up the nerve and actually made it to my appointment with CADA (citizens against domestic abuse). The meeting with them was rather simple and straightforward. I told them the basics of what happened on Feb. 14th and they told me what options were out there for me that other people have pursued or utilized. Still, it was an emotional appointment and when I left it I immediately called L (she is the woman from my past who has been so incredibly supportive, and who I am falling in love with all over again). Needless to say, she once again talked me down from the crazy emotions that I just couldn't quite get under control. While talking to her I made a decision, one that I knew would not be received well at all.
I went home and asked the STBE, again, to move out of the house. As I had expected he refused. What I didn't expect, though I probably should have considering he's done it before, was that he threatened to take away C & R and never let me see them again. That sent me into a panick. My children are my life and my joy and to lose them forever.... Just the thought sends chills down my spine. Anyway, that was the last straw for this mama. Go ahead and threaten me, or hurt me, but never NEVER threaten to take my babies!
That particular argument above, as well as a rather brief conversation with a classmate of mine Tuesday morning convinced me of the next step I needed to take. It was awful, and is something I never want to have to do again. I went to the police station here in town and filed a claim with them for domestic violence. To do so I had to do a recorded interview that included everything he has done to me. All 4 instances were gone over in as much detail as I could remember and dredging up all those old memories was excruciatingly painful. While talking to the detective helping me with my claim, she made it very clear that she thought an order of protection against the STBE would probably be in my best interest, and that of the kids. As hard as it was to do, I made another appointment with CADA to fill out the paperwork for the protection order.
Wednesday was the topper to the cake, the day I filled out the papers for the protection order and took it to the country court. Talk about emotionally draining. The order was approved on a temporary (2 week) basis and we have a hearing where he can tell his side of things 2 weeks from the day the temp. order was approved. The order was faxed to my local PD and the detective I worked with on Tuesday was actually the one to serve it. She found him at the college and he was not happy at all. When an officer escorted him to the house to take his clothes and switch out the cars I had to be present and that was the worst part of the day. I could tell he hated me for doing this to him but like the detective had told me, it wasn't my problem. He brought this on himself by raping me (multiple times) and threatening to take the kids. It still killed me to see that look in his eyes. And before he left he asked if he could see the kids, who were down the street at my friend's house. I said he could and went to get them. I knew he would cry when he said goodbye to them but it still hurt seeing him so upset like that. After all, they mean the world to him just like they do to me.
Since Wednesday things have been rough. C is acting out more as we adjust to being a single parent household. He has always been a boundary pusher but it has gotten markedly worse without the STBE here too. R is just extra snuggly. I think I am now getting all of the snuggles she normally gave me plus those she'd give her daddy. And while my general anxiety level has decreased immensely since he was removed from the house, I'm still fighting a lot of sadness and am just a bit overwhelmed at being a single parent.
The light point I have to look forward to is that on the 19th of March L will be flying out. Monday after my appointment with CADA and the argument with the STBE we skyped for a long time and at one point I said how much I wish she were out here and she answered she'd love to be but it would cause too many problems. My answer to that was "f*ck the problems". When she asked if I meant what I said, I answered yes and she told me she would fly out. She just needed to give 2 weeks notice at work that she needed some time off. Tuesday her work approved her time off and she booked her ticket. We have been waiting almost 6 years for this and we are both so incredibly excited, but we are also both pretty nervous. So far our relationship has been purely long distance and what if things are different between us in person? I guess its just something we'll have to deal with once she gets here.
**Fair warning, the rest of this blog might be triggering**
Monday I worked up the nerve and actually made it to my appointment with CADA (citizens against domestic abuse). The meeting with them was rather simple and straightforward. I told them the basics of what happened on Feb. 14th and they told me what options were out there for me that other people have pursued or utilized. Still, it was an emotional appointment and when I left it I immediately called L (she is the woman from my past who has been so incredibly supportive, and who I am falling in love with all over again). Needless to say, she once again talked me down from the crazy emotions that I just couldn't quite get under control. While talking to her I made a decision, one that I knew would not be received well at all.
I went home and asked the STBE, again, to move out of the house. As I had expected he refused. What I didn't expect, though I probably should have considering he's done it before, was that he threatened to take away C & R and never let me see them again. That sent me into a panick. My children are my life and my joy and to lose them forever.... Just the thought sends chills down my spine. Anyway, that was the last straw for this mama. Go ahead and threaten me, or hurt me, but never NEVER threaten to take my babies!
That particular argument above, as well as a rather brief conversation with a classmate of mine Tuesday morning convinced me of the next step I needed to take. It was awful, and is something I never want to have to do again. I went to the police station here in town and filed a claim with them for domestic violence. To do so I had to do a recorded interview that included everything he has done to me. All 4 instances were gone over in as much detail as I could remember and dredging up all those old memories was excruciatingly painful. While talking to the detective helping me with my claim, she made it very clear that she thought an order of protection against the STBE would probably be in my best interest, and that of the kids. As hard as it was to do, I made another appointment with CADA to fill out the paperwork for the protection order.
Wednesday was the topper to the cake, the day I filled out the papers for the protection order and took it to the country court. Talk about emotionally draining. The order was approved on a temporary (2 week) basis and we have a hearing where he can tell his side of things 2 weeks from the day the temp. order was approved. The order was faxed to my local PD and the detective I worked with on Tuesday was actually the one to serve it. She found him at the college and he was not happy at all. When an officer escorted him to the house to take his clothes and switch out the cars I had to be present and that was the worst part of the day. I could tell he hated me for doing this to him but like the detective had told me, it wasn't my problem. He brought this on himself by raping me (multiple times) and threatening to take the kids. It still killed me to see that look in his eyes. And before he left he asked if he could see the kids, who were down the street at my friend's house. I said he could and went to get them. I knew he would cry when he said goodbye to them but it still hurt seeing him so upset like that. After all, they mean the world to him just like they do to me.
Since Wednesday things have been rough. C is acting out more as we adjust to being a single parent household. He has always been a boundary pusher but it has gotten markedly worse without the STBE here too. R is just extra snuggly. I think I am now getting all of the snuggles she normally gave me plus those she'd give her daddy. And while my general anxiety level has decreased immensely since he was removed from the house, I'm still fighting a lot of sadness and am just a bit overwhelmed at being a single parent.
The light point I have to look forward to is that on the 19th of March L will be flying out. Monday after my appointment with CADA and the argument with the STBE we skyped for a long time and at one point I said how much I wish she were out here and she answered she'd love to be but it would cause too many problems. My answer to that was "f*ck the problems". When she asked if I meant what I said, I answered yes and she told me she would fly out. She just needed to give 2 weeks notice at work that she needed some time off. Tuesday her work approved her time off and she booked her ticket. We have been waiting almost 6 years for this and we are both so incredibly excited, but we are also both pretty nervous. So far our relationship has been purely long distance and what if things are different between us in person? I guess its just something we'll have to deal with once she gets here.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Frustration and happiness
My life is an interesting mix lately: frustration at the housing/STBE situation and cautious happiness at rekindling an old relationship. I want nothing more than for my STBE to move out and give me the divorce I've told him I want but he has asked for a chance to prove that he can change for the better for our family. I'm all for him making good changes but I told him that they won't change my mind, and they haven't. I no longer have any interest in a relationship of any kind with him except maybe one of friendship for the sake of our kids.
I'm not sure how he thinks that he will be able to save our marriage, but apparently him finally taking care of his health and finally taking an interest in the kids is supposed to magically fix everything. And also, making the occasional comment about how he loves my body. Uh huh. What part of "act like friend only or get out" did he miss? What friend casually mentions that he's attracted to his room mate's body? This is what I get for trying to be nice. Not to mention the occasional argument about the whole situation in general. I still want him out, he still wants to stay, and whereas before he had said he'd give me the divorce and not fight me for the kids he has now changed his tune. Now that he's faced with losing everything he just can't stand it and he will fight me for them.
Enter the most supportive person in my life. Without her I'd probably be drowning in all of the stress and heartache this whole situation is causing me. If I start to panic she calmly talks me down by reminding me that in all actuality he is no real threat to me in regards to taking the kids. He sexually abused his wife, multiple times no less, and what judge would give custody to a man that can do that to his wife? If push comes to shove, I can only hope she's right.
To help lay the groundwork for the possibility of pressing charges against him for the rape(s) I made an appointment with CADA, the local domestic abuse support organization. I've been to them once before for one of the instances between the STBE and me, and I'm not sure if they still have that on record but if they do it will prove a history of sexual abuse by him towards me if I need to press charges. I don't want to, but if its the only way to keep my kids with me and get him out of my life I will.
Now for the happy part of my life lately. The same super supportive woman I mentioned above is the old relationship that has come back into my life. Immediately after the incident on Valentine's day, I sent her an email telling her that I was ending things with the STBE. I wasn't even sure if she would answer me, but I thought she would be relieved to know. We had known each other for years before I met the STBE, and only realized that we loved each other right about the same time he moved out to live with me. The situation was rocky to say the least and finally he made me cut her out of my life. My guess as to why is that she could see more clearly than I that even then he was abusing me and she was trying to make me see that being with him was not good for me. Being the stubborn person I am, I was determined to make my marriage and family work and I just ignored the truth. I gave in to his demands and cut off all contact with her to save my family.
Anyway, all that is in the past and by some miracle she not only still shares the feelings I have for her (because despite the time they never went away), but she is able to forgive me for hurting her so badly when I stopped talking to her. Naturally we both have some reservations about getting involved right now but we are both hopeful for the future. I have no doubt that once things are final between the STBE and me that we will finally be able to have a real chance together. The biggest obstacle is going to be the distance though as she lives halfway across the country. That, however, is a small obstacle all things considered.
I'm not sure how he thinks that he will be able to save our marriage, but apparently him finally taking care of his health and finally taking an interest in the kids is supposed to magically fix everything. And also, making the occasional comment about how he loves my body. Uh huh. What part of "act like friend only or get out" did he miss? What friend casually mentions that he's attracted to his room mate's body? This is what I get for trying to be nice. Not to mention the occasional argument about the whole situation in general. I still want him out, he still wants to stay, and whereas before he had said he'd give me the divorce and not fight me for the kids he has now changed his tune. Now that he's faced with losing everything he just can't stand it and he will fight me for them.
Enter the most supportive person in my life. Without her I'd probably be drowning in all of the stress and heartache this whole situation is causing me. If I start to panic she calmly talks me down by reminding me that in all actuality he is no real threat to me in regards to taking the kids. He sexually abused his wife, multiple times no less, and what judge would give custody to a man that can do that to his wife? If push comes to shove, I can only hope she's right.
To help lay the groundwork for the possibility of pressing charges against him for the rape(s) I made an appointment with CADA, the local domestic abuse support organization. I've been to them once before for one of the instances between the STBE and me, and I'm not sure if they still have that on record but if they do it will prove a history of sexual abuse by him towards me if I need to press charges. I don't want to, but if its the only way to keep my kids with me and get him out of my life I will.
Now for the happy part of my life lately. The same super supportive woman I mentioned above is the old relationship that has come back into my life. Immediately after the incident on Valentine's day, I sent her an email telling her that I was ending things with the STBE. I wasn't even sure if she would answer me, but I thought she would be relieved to know. We had known each other for years before I met the STBE, and only realized that we loved each other right about the same time he moved out to live with me. The situation was rocky to say the least and finally he made me cut her out of my life. My guess as to why is that she could see more clearly than I that even then he was abusing me and she was trying to make me see that being with him was not good for me. Being the stubborn person I am, I was determined to make my marriage and family work and I just ignored the truth. I gave in to his demands and cut off all contact with her to save my family.
Anyway, all that is in the past and by some miracle she not only still shares the feelings I have for her (because despite the time they never went away), but she is able to forgive me for hurting her so badly when I stopped talking to her. Naturally we both have some reservations about getting involved right now but we are both hopeful for the future. I have no doubt that once things are final between the STBE and me that we will finally be able to have a real chance together. The biggest obstacle is going to be the distance though as she lives halfway across the country. That, however, is a small obstacle all things considered.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Holy mountain of papers Batman!
Well my papers from the lawyer arrived yesterday and holy crap! I knew there was going to be a lot of paperwork involved in a divorce but its darn near 400 pages. The poor envelope busted when the mailman put it in my mailbox.
Anyway, now starts the chore of trying to wade through all the legal mumbo-jumbo and figure out just how I'm supposed to fill out that mountain of papers. I know that at least part of it isn't needed until our court date, but the rest of it needs to be read, filled out, and signed. Not to mention agreed upon by the STBE. Both he and I have decided that we want this process to be as painless on the kids as possible and we both know the only way that is going to happen is if we can go into the whole thing agreeing about things. In theory thats how it'll work, whether it'll actually happen that way or not remains to be seen.
My mother has offered to help me get things started and filled out, having gone through divorce twice herself. Of course, neither time did she have kids in the mix. The biggest thing I'm concerned about filling out right is the parenting plan. We have agreed that they will be staying with me the majority of the time, visiting him every other weekend and in between if I need him for babysitting and he's available. I just can't imagine any time without them, but I know the STBE can't either. Its going to be a big adjustment for all of us.
The sooner I climb that mountain of papers and get them filled out and signed, the sooner I will finally be free.
Anyway, now starts the chore of trying to wade through all the legal mumbo-jumbo and figure out just how I'm supposed to fill out that mountain of papers. I know that at least part of it isn't needed until our court date, but the rest of it needs to be read, filled out, and signed. Not to mention agreed upon by the STBE. Both he and I have decided that we want this process to be as painless on the kids as possible and we both know the only way that is going to happen is if we can go into the whole thing agreeing about things. In theory thats how it'll work, whether it'll actually happen that way or not remains to be seen.
My mother has offered to help me get things started and filled out, having gone through divorce twice herself. Of course, neither time did she have kids in the mix. The biggest thing I'm concerned about filling out right is the parenting plan. We have agreed that they will be staying with me the majority of the time, visiting him every other weekend and in between if I need him for babysitting and he's available. I just can't imagine any time without them, but I know the STBE can't either. Its going to be a big adjustment for all of us.
The sooner I climb that mountain of papers and get them filled out and signed, the sooner I will finally be free.
Friday, February 24, 2012
First step.
Well, they say that the first step is the hardest and after the minor anxiety attack I had yesterday when the lawyer called me back I have to agree. I know I am doing the right thing but that doesn't change the fact that, by nature, I hate confrontation and to me that's all I have been dealing with since I told him that things were over. Yesterday was no exception. He asked me to send him a message when I got done talking with the lawyer and I did. I told him everything that the lawyer told me and apparently finding out that 90 days after we sign/submit our papers to the court we will no longer be a family really got to him.
It hurts me to see him so upset over everything ending and he says I don't understand what it feels like to be losing everything he is. And while no, its not quite the same, I do understand. If anybody does its me because I was the one that shared his hopes and dreams for our little family and our future. I know exactly what he's losing. Every time he hugs one of the kids I can see him falling apart a little more inside. Even when he looks at me I can see it. And it just makes my heart ache.
Being sick and dealing with all of this at the same time is so hard. I'm tired and I don't feel well, and I just don't have the resolve I normally do when well. He tried begging me yesterday to change my mind again and instead of telling him he had to leave, like I'd told him I would, I just told him to stop and leave me alone. I feel like I'm being a wimp. Why oh why am I still only at the first step? I really just need this to be finished.
It hurts me to see him so upset over everything ending and he says I don't understand what it feels like to be losing everything he is. And while no, its not quite the same, I do understand. If anybody does its me because I was the one that shared his hopes and dreams for our little family and our future. I know exactly what he's losing. Every time he hugs one of the kids I can see him falling apart a little more inside. Even when he looks at me I can see it. And it just makes my heart ache.
Being sick and dealing with all of this at the same time is so hard. I'm tired and I don't feel well, and I just don't have the resolve I normally do when well. He tried begging me yesterday to change my mind again and instead of telling him he had to leave, like I'd told him I would, I just told him to stop and leave me alone. I feel like I'm being a wimp. Why oh why am I still only at the first step? I really just need this to be finished.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Sick = weak willed.
Let me just start by saying I am the most pathetic and pitiful sick person you'll likely ever know. I won't go into details, but I'm sure you can imagine. Anyway, my point is that when I'm at my post pitiful I'm more likely to agree to things simply because I don't have the energy to argue them. When the STBE asked if he could do anything to help me feel better, like give me a backrub, I told him it was fine.
Now, you may be screaming, "You idiot!" at the computer but calm down I'm not totally off my rocker. I made it very clear to him that taking care of me while I'm sick is NOT going to change my mind about the divorce. He accepted that, or so he says, and he did great getting the kids fed, changed, down for bed, and out to go potty (the puppy). Normally this is all stuff I take care of and it was just really nice not to have to worry about it. He has been equally good with it all this morning too while I am a congested, headachey, sore throated mess.
The fact that someday, in just a few months, i'm going to have to do all of this on my own even if I feel like the walking dead is pretty intimidating. Sure I've got friends, my mom, and even the STBE to look after the kids if I just absolutely must crash for a few hours, but there will be no more staying in bed for days on end until I'm well. I will have to be up and functional because I will be the only one here to look after the two loves of my life and my crazy puppy.
Here's hoping I get over whatever crud this is quickly, so that I'm not so pitiful and easily swayed to let somebody I want nothing to do with give me a backrub... *sighs*
Now, you may be screaming, "You idiot!" at the computer but calm down I'm not totally off my rocker. I made it very clear to him that taking care of me while I'm sick is NOT going to change my mind about the divorce. He accepted that, or so he says, and he did great getting the kids fed, changed, down for bed, and out to go potty (the puppy). Normally this is all stuff I take care of and it was just really nice not to have to worry about it. He has been equally good with it all this morning too while I am a congested, headachey, sore throated mess.
The fact that someday, in just a few months, i'm going to have to do all of this on my own even if I feel like the walking dead is pretty intimidating. Sure I've got friends, my mom, and even the STBE to look after the kids if I just absolutely must crash for a few hours, but there will be no more staying in bed for days on end until I'm well. I will have to be up and functional because I will be the only one here to look after the two loves of my life and my crazy puppy.
Here's hoping I get over whatever crud this is quickly, so that I'm not so pitiful and easily swayed to let somebody I want nothing to do with give me a backrub... *sighs*
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