The insanity in the waiting game

Have you ever anxiously awaited something?  The release of a new book by your favorite author maybe?  Or heck, what about a three day holiday weekend?  Or how about the arrival of your long distance love coming to move out with you or the results of your State Board nursing exam?  Well, if you think I'm going insane waiting for those first two, at times you might be right but at the moment its definitely the last two that are driving me absolutely bonkers.

I'm not sure how much I've talked about my journey to becoming a nurse in this blog, but I entered nursing school Fall of 2011 and graduated my school's LPN program the end of August this year.  Then life happened (L visit, C birthday, divorce, ex's attempt at suicide, etc) so I just put off taking the exam until a "better" time.  What a joke that was!  The weekend before my exam I had two tests due and a paper, not to mention all my other homework.  Oh well!  I took my exam yesterday and am now rather impatiently awaiting the results.  Most of my class that has taken their exam already got their passing results back within hours of finishing.  I've already been waiting over 24 hours.  Only one of my classmates had to wait a long time to find out that she passed, the other one that had to wait failed.  So I'm basically looking at a 50/50 chance here and I'm constantly stalking the Department of Health's website, refreshing every couple hours (during business hours) to see if my license status has been changed to "Active" which indicates a passing grade for the exam.  Its nerve wracking let me tell ya!

And then there is the biggest, most exciting thing to happen in my life since the birth of my children.  Something I have been hoping for, and dreaming about for years.  L is finally making the move out here and the train will be depositing her into my life and my arms in 25 days.  Only 25 days!!!  I've got so much to get accomplished before she gets here, mostly decluttering to make room for her stuff, and I just don't think I have enough time.  The day she gets on her train will be the day after my last final for fall quarter, which means those two days she's on that train making her way across the country to me, I will be scrambling like a mad woman to make sure everything is ready for her permanent arrival into my life.  I am so stinking giddy its ridiculous, but I'm also losing my mind.  I so desperately want it to be December already so that I can see her again, so that our life together can officially start.

For the past few months I have felt like I've been stuck in some awful kind of limbo.  My relationship with the ex was over but L was still so very far away, and nursing school was finished but I wasn't licensed yet.  Even when things nearly crumbled around me with the ex's attempted suicide and L came out to be with me for a while, I still felt stuck in limbo.  When she left in September the next time I saw her was supposed to be when she moved out here, I wasn't ever supposed to have to put her back on a plane and ship her off again.  But I did, and it was horrible.  And now, only 25 days away from her arrival, I'm sitting here banging my head against the figurative wall in utter impatience.  I still may not be employable (aka licensed) by the time she gets here, but at least the most amazing part of my life will finally be able to move forward even if another very important part is still stuck in the mud.

Please please PLEASE let the waiting go quickly!  I just want to wake up every morning next to, and go to bed every night with, my Love.  (And it would be nice to finally be a licensed nurse too!)

Exhausted and missing Her.

It rained, we snuggled, it was perfect.  I see much more of
this in our rainy NW future.

Its been a week since the ex pulled his stupid stunt and L came out on an emergency rescue mission (2 days after) to make sure I was okay and to help me while I tried not to crumble, and today I once again put her back on a damned plane.  Medically/physically the ex is fine now but he's doing a voluntary stay at the hospital's psych unit for at least a few more days.  To say the last week has been a blur is a major understatement.  Between the drama of last Sunday, the worry all day Monday and into Tuesday, then my day in Seattle waiting for L's flight to get in the beginning of the week was completely shot which threw off the rest of my week too.  I know I missed one test this week and I'll have to beg forgiveness and hope the instructor will let me take it late.

At this very moment I am laying in my bed alone, dead tired, and unable to sleep because I am alone.  Despite the circumstances for why she came out to visit, having L here was a nice treat and now that she isn't here I am more aware of her absence than ever.  This damn long distance crap hurts more and more every time I say goodbye to her even though I know the time that we will finally get to be together for good is getting closer every day.  I'm not sure what I'm feeling even qualifies as inpatience anymore. 

L is my person and I need her here.  I don't just need her here to help me cope with the hard stuff, or help with the kids so I can do my darn schoolwork.  I just need her here to share my darn life with.  Simple things like snuggling on the couch, talking about our day in person (such a novel concept!), or even just doing chores around the house together.  That is how life with somebody you love is supposed to be, not split up by thousands of miles for days, weeks, or months at a time.  I have no idea how my military friends handle deployments because this is absolute torture.

And, as if saying goodbye to her at the airport isn't normally a teary-eyed affair when its just the two of us, this time we had the kids in tow (so I could take them to see their dad on our way home) as well.  They were not happy to say goodbye to L at all and after we'd all said our goodbyes and I pulled the car away from the curb of the departures area, the kids started bawling.  C was begging me to go back and get her and R was just inconsolable.  Way to make a mommy's heart crumble guys, you completely shattered it.  They don't get that worked up about anybody but L.  Not me, not their dad, not their Mimi (my mom), not even their friends.  Only L.  To say that they love her is a huge understatement.  The day I don't have to explain to them why she had to leave again is going to be amazing.  Hell, the day I don't have to explain to myself why she had to leave again is going to be amazing.

Weekend in the city, and more

While I love my island home, every now and then its really nice just to be able to get away.  This weekend I actually get the chance to do that and I'm loving every darn minute of it.  L is here again, and we are staying in a hotel in the city for a couple nights to be here for her cousin's wedding.  The same cousin that was so welcoming to me and the kids the last time that L visited.  The kids are actually back at home, with their dad, so this weekend is just for me and L (and obviously the wedding).

L got in last night then we had to rush to her cousin's house for the rehearsal dinner.  While we were there I met L's dad for the first time.  Until the moment the man hugged me I was a nervous wreck, after that whatever worry I had about meeting him (and also her step-mom) just faded away.  He's pleasant to be around, kinda goofy like his daughter, and just genuinely nice.  I'm not sure why I was surprised but I'm glad it went so well.  I just hope he liked me as much as I liked him.

Once we got done with the rehearsal dinner we hung out for just a little bit at L's cousin's house and then we made our way to the hotel where we stayed holed up until the wedding, except for one little outting to a bookstore a couple blocks away.  Being with her has been absolute bliss.  I always miss her once she's gone but once she's back here with me I always remember exactly how amazing things are when she's here.  I have never been in a relationship that feels so natural.  Things have been good with other people, they've even been fun, but I've never felt like I fit so well with somebody before.

The wedding itself was a lot of fun.  The ceremony was beautiful, if a bit wet when the dock it was on started to sink a bit from all the people.  The reception was loud and crowded and just general good spirited chaos.  I had a couple moments where I really started to get anxious (darn crowds of loud people I don't know!) so we just went outside for a bit.  After her parents left, we both had some wine which helped us both relax a bit.  I even managed to get her to take some pictures with me in the photo booth and dance with me.  While we were dancing she even sang, which she swore I would never hear her do.  Needless to say I had an amazing night.

Our weekend didn't last nearly long enough, but once I got her home to the island we all had a great time as a family.  We took the kids to the beach, with my mom and dog in tow as well, then her last night here we ate out at Applebees and holy moley it was amazing. 

Now, if I'd had my way she wouldn't have gotten back on that darn plane but as it stands she will be out here for good in December, before Christmas.  Talk about an amazing Christmas gift!  I would love to go visit her one more time, it would help with the really long gap in seeing each other, but I have a feeling that if I do have any money before she comes back out she's going to tell me not to waste it.  Its what she does.  I just miss her so much and 3 full months after seeing each other every couple, just seems way too long.  I just have to keep reminding myself that 3 months really isn't that long when in the end it means that we will finally be together for good.

Chapters' end, chapter's start

A week ago I finished nursing school.  Yep, I actually managed to do it.  In retrospect I'm surprised at how quickly it went because when it started last fall I thought it was going to take forever.  Sure, 1 year is the same time no matter how you look at it, but you know how sometimes things just seem to take longer?  Yeah, I thought it was going to be like that.

So, with that part of my life over I can't help but look to the upcoming months and know that there is so much about to change.  L will be back for a visit in less than 2 weeks (thank goodness!) and this will hopefully be her last visit.  After this she will hopefully be moving here for good.  I can't tell you how excited this thought makes me, words just don't do the feeling justice, but I'm sure you can guess.  Soon the period in my life where the one person I want with me the most is living across the country will be over.

Next month will also see the offical, legal, final end to my marriage and the STBE will actually be the Ex.  This is both a stressfull thing and a relief.  Its stressful because there is so much I need to get done between now and our court date and I'm more than a little overwhelmed.  The thought of the actual court appearance freaks me out too.  What if the judge doesn't like how we've handled things and changes them?  The STBE will throw a fit, not literally I'm sure, and will likely refuse to go through with the divorce unless the judge goes through with what he and I originally agreed on.  Not only does the thought of the divorce becoming some long drawn-out process freak me out for the pure fact of it becoming a long drawn-out process, but more than that it freaks me out because if it does go that way I'm scared L won't move out here after all.  Or at least not as soon as she would if things go smoothly. 

As for the relief caused by the final ending of my marriage, I would think its obvious.  I will no longer be legally tied to my abuser.  If you can't guess, this is huge.  For the past 6 years I have been emotionally abused by this man.  For the past 5 I have been sexually abused by this man.  As of September 26th, if all goes according to plan, I will no longer have to explain to people that my abuser is also my husband.  I will no longer be a statistic, a woman in an abusive relationship who couldn't (or wouldn't) get out.  I will be free.  Sure, there will still be drama between him and I.  When I had kids with him I signed up for life-long drama.  But, even with the drama I won't feel obligated to deal with it because I will no longer legally be 'his'.  Whew!


*bit - please forgive the typo Swype hates me...

With all of those things ending many new things are starting as well, I'm starting a new chapter in my life.  After talking with a good friend tonight for quite a few hours via text I'm pretty sure I want to call this chapter the 'Finally getting everything I've ever wanted' chapter.  She was 100% correct in what she said.  I finally have the education/ability to have a career that I love, instead of a dead-end job that I hate but do anyway because it pays the bills.  My kids truly are amazing, they amaze me every day.  Sure, most days they also drive me absolutely bonkers but they are 2 and nearly 4 so that's kind of expected.  And the relationship I am in now, the real one that I am actually invested in not the legal one, is amazing too.  I have never felt so cherished by anybody I've been in a romantic relationship with.  Never.  L has the patience of a saint dealing with my left over baggage from all my past experiences and I'm pretty sure she even plans to help me unpack that baggage and leave it far behind me so that we can enjoy a long and happy future together.  At least I hope so.  I really, truly hope so.

Differences in parenting.

I have gotten so used to the way that the STBE interacts with the kids that listening to how L is with them, while I'm laying in the bedroom trying to recouperate from endo surgery 2 days ago, just blows my mind.  She is amazing with them.  For the most part they listen to her and when they don't she gently reprimands them instead of yelling at them.  I'm so used to the yelling that the absence of it is deafening.

I know that they are two different people, nothing could be more clear, but still.  How did I let him treat them like that for so long with me just idly sitting by?  Why do I still tolerate it?  I know when they are at his house the STBE still yells at C & R.  All the time.  When the pain was at its worst and the three of us were staying with him I saw it first hand so I know that nothing has changed. 

Knowing the personality differences between L and the STBE I really shouldn't be surprised at how differently they interact with the kids.  I am grateful for them though.  Its nice to think that at least at our house there won't be the constant yelling.  Its nice to know that I will finally have somebody that isn't a walking time bomb to help raise C and R to be something other than more walking time bombs.  Here's hoping that nurture totally outweighs nature with the kids.

The feeling of Home

Home.  What exactly does that one word mean?  Is it a place you live, or where the ones you love live?  Or is it something more?  I think, at least for me, its more.  Its feeling loved and welcome and comfortable among people that matter.  I also think its accepting that you are loved and welcome by those people.  For the longest time I've known that my friends care about me and I've known that my family cares about me but knowing it and accepting it are two different things.

What sparked this sudden epiphany for me?  First it was my best friend S, then it was L's family.  On Saturday S came over to visit while she was in town for her dad's birthday and she brought me a graduation present, a wall scroll of a picture from one of my favorite artists.  It wasn't just any picture though, it was one that actually means something to me and she knew that which is why she picked that particular one.  May sound silly to some, but that gesture meant a lot to me.

With L's family, who we went to visit yesterday (yes, she is back in town!), I was completely shocked at how openly they welcomed me and the kids.  We weren't just people that L brought along to a family dinner, we were family too.  Wow.  While I hoped to at least be tolerated as somebody important to their cousin I was totally taken off guard when they welcomed us so warmly and at the end of the night sent us off with hugs and promises that we will be spending more time together as a family.  L isn't even living out here yet and already C, R, and I are being included in their family.  To me that is utterly amazing.

Parts of my own family would likely welcome her the same way, in fact one of my aunts has, but none of those people live close enough to actually interact with us on a semi-regular basis.  Not even my own mother has acted that way with her.  She's slowly warming up to the idea but she's being cautious I think mostly because she doesn't want to see me get hurt again so soon after the STBE, but also because of the fact that L is a woman.  Oh well.  She'll come around I guess.  But the majority of my mom's family won't approve of our relationship and I won't be "allowed" to bring her to family holidays or get togethers.  Its nice to know that with L's family there aren't any restrictions just because of who we are.

I have never felt so at home as I have in the past few days and I am pretty sure some part of me is changing for the better.  The part of me that was scared to let people in because of how I've had to live during the past 6 years, because i had to practically cut myself off from my friends and family because of the drama with the STBE, is getting smaller.  The walls I've put up are getting weaker.  I am finally able to start seeing glimmers of what real happiness is firsthand, what a real existance should be, instead of just observing it in other people's lives.  Thank you S, thank you L, and thank you to L's amazing family.

Getting on track.

So today was graduation from my current nursing program.  I fully intend on going farther with my nursing education but today was step one.  I still have 7 weeks to complete during the summer but those will fly by and then I will be able to take the state exams and work as an LPN.  I feel like I have finally accomplished something career related in my life.  Up till now I have just felt like a complete failure in the education/career department because I never finished college and had only been working retail/hospitality.  It feels really really good.

Now that my career is finally getting on track I need to finish getting my divorce on track.  I was supposed to file the divorce papers last week but just never quite got around to it because of finals and then dealing with really bad pain again.  This coming week I have a couple of appointments but other than that all I have planned is cleaning my house in preparation for L's visit a week from tomorrow (yay!!!).  That should leave plenty of time to get down to the courthouse and file those papers.  I just need to take the time to sit down with the STBE and cross my fingers he'll sign the joinder saying that he agrees to the terms of the divorce.  If he will then we should be legally divorced in 3 months, which will be approximately 3 months before L moves out here.  Yes its cutting things kinda close, I should have taken care of this a long time ago, but at least its getting done now.

Do I think he's going to sign the joinder?  Nope.  He is doing everything he can to make this situation harder now that its actually looking like its going to happen for sure.  He is refusing the parenting plan that he originally agreed to.  He is refusing to sign the papers at all because he says he wanted my wedding rings to save for our kids and I no longer have them to give to him.  He's just being plain difficult.  He claims to want this over as much as I do but he keeps finding reasons to not sit down with me and to not sign the papers.  I'm hoping that he'll stop being so darn stubborn and just do what he promised soon because I need to be done with this myself.  I really need to be done with this.

Slacking blogger plays catch-up.

So, over the past month I have hand written multiple blog posts.  I obviously still haven't gotten around to actually posting them though as the last blog before this one was from almost a month ago.  Why have I not posted them?  Mostly because of the rediculous amounts of time I spent at the STBE's house and he has no internet currently.  Yes, I was staying at his house.  Completely dumb move I know.  This was proved to me on more than one occasion yet I kept staying there.  Why?  Because of the damn pain.  It has been running my life of late, and without his help (which he would only give at his house by the way) the kids would have suffered because of my lack of ability to do much of anything.

Reasons for the handwritten posts?  Him crossing what I thought was a very clear line and me being scared of falling into old routines/comfort with him because of how much I was staying at his house.  Blah.  Maybe I will post those blogs someday.  For now, I'll just say this:  I am at home now and will not be staying with him again.  I only have 1 more day of class for spring quarter, then I can be a virtual veg if need be because of the pain.  I won't have to try and juggle pain and school work and kids.  Sure, it'll still be hard to balance things, but balancing is a hell of a lot easier than juggling.

Right now, my real reason for posting tonight, I can't get L off my mind.  If this comes as a surprise to you just stop reading and hit the "Next Blog" button at the top of the page.  For those of you still left, let me elaborate a bit.  I have loved her for a very long time, and tonight I found out the date that I actually told her I loved her for the first time.  It has been almost 6 years that we have admitted to being in love with each other.  Only 3 days after C's birthday we will hit that 6 year mark.  This blows my mind. 

If you're wondering how I found out the date, L told me.  She had been keeping a handwritten journal at the time and found the entry that she wrote about me telling her.  Her bringing up her old handwritten journal gave me a thought and I tracked down my old secret LJ account and (somehow!) remembered the password for it.  I scrolled down until I found posts that were about her.  One of the posts I had was basically a log of some of our more touching conversations.  I would just copy them and save them to that journal entry, updating it as new conversations happened.  It was both fun and a bit heartbreaking going down memory lane.  Among those saved conversation logs was a message from her telling me about her (at the time) secret blog and she gave me the link.  Did I visit the link?  You bet.

If my posts in my Livejournal were fun, yet heartbreaking, hers were mostly just heartbreaking.  Some had nothing to do with me and so I skipped them, but all of the ones having to do with me I read.  Most of them were very hard for me to read because I remember feeling guilty at the time, for how things were between us at the time, and I know how guilty I feel now about how things happened between us after she stopped writing those blog posts.  She tells me not to feel that way, but I can't help it.  There are also parts of her blog posts that I would love to write answers to.  I would love to be able to write little confirmations that things we thought would never happen have, are, and will.  She is my person, she is my favorite, and I am incredibly blessed that she found it in her heart to forgive me and has decided that she wants to make a life with me.

I love her more each and every day and absolutely cannot wait for her arrival back in WA in 2 weeks.  Its only for a visit this time, but in 6 months it will be a different story.  In 6 months her current lease will be up and she will be free to move here if she still wants.  At first glance it seems like 6 months is so incredibly far away, but then I realize that we have already been talking/together again for 4 months.  Its been hard being away from here for those 4 months but it has been manageable, and the next 6 will be as well.  Still, I can't wait to have the woman I love in my arms for good.

I love you L!

A little less uncertainty

Yesterday was possibly the most terrifying thing to ever happen to me. Sure I've been in scary situations before, dealt with tough things in my life, but nothing has ever outright shaken me to my core like that. I hope to never experience anything like that again, but I'm relatively young and I am well aware that there is still plenty of time in my life for things to happen. All I know is that if I ever have to go through something like that again I want L at my side like she was yesterday.

If you had asked me yesterday before the wreck if L was going to become a permanant part of my life I honestly couldn't have told you. Her joining our family, becoming a parent to two kids that aren't hers, was really intimidating for her. Loving me wasn't, but making that huge decision was just something she needed to think about. Last night as we were trying desperately to calm down and get some rest we talked and cried and just tried to heal. While we were talking I worked up the nerve to ask her something that came to mind, something I was scared to ask but hoped for more than anything, I asked her if she still had to make her decision. Her answer? No. That made me both more nervous and more hopeful so I had to clarify and the answer she gave me still makes me smile. She will be with me, with C & R, she will become part of our family.

Not sure when exactly she'll me moving to live with us, likely around the time her current lease is up in December (which is too far away for both our tastes), but the important part is that she will be. She will be more than just "mine bisitor" to C and more than just a really nice snuggle buddy to R. Losing that bit of uncertainty in my life is not only a huge relief but a huge sense of happiness. Someday in the coming months my heart will be whole and in one state again, rather than separated across half the country. I can't wait.

Until that time, to ease some of my anxiety of being away from her in case of emergencies L has offered to give her roommate my phone number and email. He's a great guy, the little bit I got to see him on my visit I really liked him, and I'm sure that he will let me know if something ever happens to her. Here's hoping he never has to use that information. I've also told her I'd give my mother her email and phone number too for the same reason because at 3.5 years and nearly 2 years neither C or R are old enough to let L know. Despite Mom's initial reservations regarding my relationship with L I'm pretty confident that she'll do what I ask when it comes to this if for no other reason than that she'll know how important it will be to me. Again, here's hoping she never has reason to use the information.

Anyway, yay for finally having things a little less uncertain in my future and looking like I might actually get my happy ending. I love you L, so very very much.

Perspective

I got it handed to me today. Or more like thrown in my face as the back end of a camper came flying at us from oncoming traffic as the truck hauling it plowed into the back end of a UPS truck. Thank all the gods that L's reflexes are so good or we could have been seriously hurt. As it is only the rental car and a mailbox were victims on our end. The drivers of the UPS truck and the truck that was hauling the camper, however, both got hauled off to the hospital.

We were on the way to drop me off at the airport for my flight home and needless to say I'm not flying out today after all. Instead I'm parked on her couch with my music blasting while she's down on her front porch trying to calm down. We are both incredibly shaken and I know we are both grateful that we are both safe and not hurt. It could have been so much worse though. As it was a piece of the UPS truck flew off and hit the rental car windshield and if it had been just a little bit higher it could have come through rather than just bouncing off. If it had come through... The possibilities from that point on scare me shitless.

After everything we've been through to get to this point I very possibly could have lost her. And that isn't okay with me. We had a really long talk last night and while it wasn't exactly pleasant it was much needed. Durin that talk I told her flat out that I never wanted to lose her again and I just almost did. Only 5.5 hours ago that damn camper jacknifed into our lane and I nearly lost my love.

It was awful not being able to talk to her because of the STBE and its so hard not having her in my life on a daily basis but to lose her for good? I have all the dreams and wishes about a future with her and those almost got stolen from me in the blink of an eye because somebody wasn't paying enough attention. Her and I aren't certain for sure where our relationship is going but when all is said and done I want her with me for the longhaul. If that involves marriage somewhere down the line, okay, if it doesn't thats fine too. If it involves having children together, great, if not then okay. All I know is that I want her with me, loving me, loving C & R, and not being so damn far away.

I am now scared to death something horrible is going to happen to her while I'm in WA and I won't be here to be with her. Who would know to contact me? Even if anybody did, would they know how? Why does my love, my heart, have to live so far away from where I have to stay because of the STBE's stubborness (won't let me move with C & R) and my school? My heart is being torn in two between my littlest loves and the amazing woman I have loved for so long.

Slowly but surely.

My heart has long belonged to L and while I am totally at ease with that, letting people know the precise nature of our relationship still makes me nervous. After the almost disaster of the STBE outing me to my mother (she was shocked and a bit standoffish at first but is coming around) I have slowly been telling some of my friends. Some of them are immediately happy for me that there is somebody in my life that makes me happy and treats me right regardless of the fact that that person is a woman. Some are surprised to find out that I'm "like that" but they've been pretty non-judgemental too so that's okay.

You would think, based on the reactions I've gotten so far, that telling everybody else wouldn't be so intimidating but it is. But the fact of the matter is that aside from my mother, who I didn't even tell myself, I've only told people I thought would be at least tolerant of my relationship with L if not outright accepting. So, from here on out the outcomes of me telling people are going to start getting unpredictable. A few people in my family on either side will be understanding and accepting of this new part of me, most of my mom's family won't be. I'm hoping that my friends will all be at least open to the idea of me being in a relationship with a woman but only time will tell once i get the nerve to actually come out to them.

I think part of my hesitation with telling people is that not only is the divorce not final yet, but until it is L doesn't want to make any permanent decisions or arrangements for our relationship (like one of us moving to live with/closer to the other). I understand her thoughts on this, but it just adds to the uncertainty that seems to be running my life lately. So, with there being nothing absolutely certain between us its hard to even think about telling people just on the off chance that things don't work out for whatever reason. It feels weird not telling people about the wonderful new relationship in my life but there are so many people out there that just don't approve of two women loving each other, I can't help but be nervous.

Sooner or later I will come out to the rest of my friends and the family that won't judge, but its going to be a slow process. Until then I will have to just enjoy the visits with my "friend" be they her flying out here or me flying to her (like I will a week from today!).

Heartbreaking day

I have been so excited for this day to come, the start of Spring Quarter! Only it started off really, really bad... My good friend, the woman who was my doula for R's birth, called me this morning to tell me that the baby she had been carrying for 17 weeks had passed away and that she was in labor. She asked me to double check and make sure he school knew (we're both in the same Nursing program) and to let our classmates know. Of couse I told her I would, and as soon as I hung up the phone I had to fight back tears.

I somehow managed not to cry at all today until I saw her post on facebook that the baby had been a girl. The girl she has dreamed about for so long. The baby she will never get to watch grow up is he girl she had been hoping for with all her heart. Her name was beautiful and perfect. She will be very missed.

And while this is the worst part of my day by far, I've been exchanging emails with the STBE regarding visits with the kids and him watching them while I'm at clinicals and such and in one of his emails he mentioned wantin to take the kids on a trip around the same time I want to go visit L. I told him that if we could coordinate our trips then it would probably work out better for everybody. The email he sent me back was rude and kinda got to me. Him telling me I didn't need to "hide" her (meaning L) and that he just wanted to be done with this garbage and get the divorce papers signed. Garbage. Well, it probably shouldn't bother me but it does. Having our marriage called garbage by the man who swears up and down that he never abused me... Grr.

Anyway, just needed to vent my heartbreak and frustration today. Not much else going on.

Climbing the mountain...

...of darn paperwork! Good heavens! Whoever it was that decided that they needed to kill an entire forest for divorce papers needs to be shot. Or at least better educated on the ill effects of deforestation on our planet. You think I'm kidding? Request a packet from your local lawyer and you'll see what I mean.

Anyway, that is the task I have decided to tackle today. Filling out the mountain of papers to the best of my ability and then leaving the rest for whenever the darn volunteer lawyer decides I'm worth her time to actually call back and make an appointment with. Just because she works from home and on a volunteer basis doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice for her to call me back and at least acknowledge that I've returned her call and that she'll eventually get around to seeing me. To say I'm frustrated with the entire situation would most definitely be an understatement, but as she is a volunteer and will be handling this all for free I guess I can't get too grumbly.

Not really a whole lot else going on here I guess. Except that the kids saw the STBE yesterday for the first time in two weeks yesterday. Before going yesterday our oldest, C (who is 3.5), was saying how he didn't want to see daddy so I told him that daddy loved him and wanted to see him and play with him. Then, when they came home, he refused to come in the house because he didn't want me. Ouch. I don't know if the STBE told C anything to make him say that and carry on the way he did or if it was just "normal" toddler confusion over the whole situation. Either way it broke me heart and just added to yesterday's other woes.

Also, I've pretty much decided that the end of April or beginning of May I will be taking a solo trip out to see L. The next time she would be able to fly out here wouldn't be until probably mid-June and that is just too far away for either of us. I will have to do some very creative budgetting to make it work, and beg either my mother or the STBE (or both) to watch the kids while I'm gone, but I need to go. I have been in need of a vacation for years and this seems like the perfect reason to finally take one. Going through a divorce and having your #1 support person thousands of miles away just isn't very conducive to a fully functional and sane existence. While she was here I felt so much more at ease and was able to just roll with things as they came my way. And, if needed, I'd vent or cry and she'd talk to me and hold me and things would get better.

Well, it seems my temporary silence has ended, C & R are waking up from their naps, so I better tuck away the mountain and get back to reality.

A brand new ending

I think that this is going to become my personal statement for a while. I know its impossible to change the past, and all things considered if I did then I wouldn't have my two wonderful kidlets and that I wouldn't change for the world. So even if it were possible I wouldn't do it.

What is possible, however, is changing how my future will play out. I've already taken a few steps towards a better life, I have a few more coming up this week, and even more over the weeks and months to come.

I'm trying really hard not to be anxious or worried about the future, but as anybody who knows me well can attest, I'm a natural worrier so this is a very hard thing for me. Instead I am trying to be excited about how my life will be from here on out. I have so many opportunities to make a better, happier life for myself, C, and R, and I am going to do my best to take advantage of as many of those opportunities as possible.

This coming week alone I have some pretty important stuff going on. Monday is my final exam for 2nd quarter of nursing school (half way done!) and also the day that a very special someone will be arriving in WA. If I can concentrate on my exam in the morning I'll be pleasantly surprised. Tuesday I have my first therapy appointment to help me deal with everything that went on between the STBE and me. Wednesday is going to be the hard day this week: court. I admit I'm scared to death that the judge won't uphold the protection order and that the STBE will be able to come home. And if he does he'll find L here with the kids and likely go ballistic and try to take the kids right then and there. Even if the protection order is turned permanent its going to be an emotionally draining day and having L here will be nothing short of a miracle. Thursday morning (way too early for this girl) I have to take L back to the airport. Not looking forward to that one bit, but having her here for even such a short visit after waiting almost 6 years since we realized we had feelings for each other? Totally worth it =).

After that all I have going is Spring Break from school. I plan to ignore everything having to do with nursing for the entire break and just focus on getting reacquainted with friends that I haven't seen or done much with over the past few years thanks to the STBE's role in my life. I'm probably even going to get a new tattoo! If I do, I'll post a picture. I already know what it will be, and its really simple but has a lot of meaning to me.

Anyway, here's to a brand new (and much happier) ending!

I really should be sleeping...

Its late, I have clinicals in the morning, and I'm exhausted. So, you ask, why the heck am I still awake? As is my lot in life, the second I turn off the lights and try and sleep, my brain starts working in overdrive. I've got so much going on right now that I'm just anxious something is going to go wrong. Either my final exam on next Monday, my careplans and IPRs that are due Thursday, getting my house clean and situated in a way that has nothing to do with the STBE, and probably most prominent in my mind is the visit from L next week. By the time I post this it will be 5 days until she is due to arrive and I am a nervous wreck.

Why am I so nervous? Hmm, well lets see here, we've known each other for years and years, realized we loved each other about six years ago, and then I was forbidden to talk to her again. It broke my heart to cut her out of my life but what I felt was, I'm dead sure, nothing compared to what she went through when I broke things off with her. The fact that when I sent her an email, completely out of the blue, one month ago and not only responded, but didn't tell me to go jump off the nearest cliff still amazes me. Add in that she still had feelings for me like I have had for her all along... And we will only now be meeting for the first time. How is this NOT something to be a nervous wreck about?

If we finally meet in person and things don't feel right for either (or both) of us I will be devastated. Just being honest here. Even when I wasn't allowed to talk to her she was a bright spot in my life and I always dreamed that we'd get our chance someday. That someday is pretty much here, and we're getting our chance, but what if it just doesn't work? You may be thinking, "Forget 'what if'!" but for those who know me well, they know that questioning things and worrying is one of my natural skills. Yes, I know, such a wonderful skill. It has caused me more than my share of heartache in the past but it has also helped prepare me for the times that things have gone wrong.

Here's hoping that this is one of those times where my worrying is for naught.

It all hit the fan

So, Monday I did something that wasn't easy. Tuesday I did something completely miserable. Wednesday I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Its been a horribly horrible week and I am SO greatful that its almost over. Now if only I knew for certain that things were going to be smooth sailing from here but consdering what I did this week I'm almost 100% sure that things will be anything but smooth.

**Fair warning, the rest of this blog might be triggering**

Monday I worked up the nerve and actually made it to my appointment with CADA (citizens against domestic abuse). The meeting with them was rather simple and straightforward. I told them the basics of what happened on Feb. 14th and they told me what options were out there for me that other people have pursued or utilized. Still, it was an emotional appointment and when I left it I immediately called L (she is the woman from my past who has been so incredibly supportive, and who I am falling in love with all over again). Needless to say, she once again talked me down from the crazy emotions that I just couldn't quite get under control. While talking to her I made a decision, one that I knew would not be received well at all.

I went home and asked the STBE, again, to move out of the house. As I had expected he refused. What I didn't expect, though I probably should have considering he's done it before, was that he threatened to take away C & R and never let me see them again. That sent me into a panick. My children are my life and my joy and to lose them forever.... Just the thought sends chills down my spine. Anyway, that was the last straw for this mama. Go ahead and threaten me, or hurt me, but never NEVER threaten to take my babies!

That particular argument above, as well as a rather brief conversation with a classmate of mine Tuesday morning convinced me of the next step I needed to take. It was awful, and is something I never want to have to do again. I went to the police station here in town and filed a claim with them for domestic violence. To do so I had to do a recorded interview that included everything he has done to me. All 4 instances were gone over in as much detail as I could remember and dredging up all those old memories was excruciatingly painful. While talking to the detective helping me with my claim, she made it very clear that she thought an order of protection against the STBE would probably be in my best interest, and that of the kids. As hard as it was to do, I made another appointment with CADA to fill out the paperwork for the protection order.

Wednesday was the topper to the cake, the day I filled out the papers for the protection order and took it to the country court. Talk about emotionally draining. The order was approved on a temporary (2 week) basis and we have a hearing where he can tell his side of things 2 weeks from the day the temp. order was approved. The order was faxed to my local PD and the detective I worked with on Tuesday was actually the one to serve it. She found him at the college and he was not happy at all. When an officer escorted him to the house to take his clothes and switch out the cars I had to be present and that was the worst part of the day. I could tell he hated me for doing this to him but like the detective had told me, it wasn't my problem. He brought this on himself by raping me (multiple times) and threatening to take the kids. It still killed me to see that look in his eyes. And before he left he asked if he could see the kids, who were down the street at my friend's house. I said he could and went to get them. I knew he would cry when he said goodbye to them but it still hurt seeing him so upset like that. After all, they mean the world to him just like they do to me.

Since Wednesday things have been rough. C is acting out more as we adjust to being a single parent household. He has always been a boundary pusher but it has gotten markedly worse without the STBE here too. R is just extra snuggly. I think I am now getting all of the snuggles she normally gave me plus those she'd give her daddy. And while my general anxiety level has decreased immensely since he was removed from the house, I'm still fighting a lot of sadness and am just a bit overwhelmed at being a single parent.

The light point I have to look forward to is that on the 19th of March L will be flying out. Monday after my appointment with CADA and the argument with the STBE we skyped for a long time and at one point I said how much I wish she were out here and she answered she'd love to be but it would cause too many problems. My answer to that was "f*ck the problems". When she asked if I meant what I said, I answered yes and she told me she would fly out. She just needed to give 2 weeks notice at work that she needed some time off. Tuesday her work approved her time off and she booked her ticket. We have been waiting almost 6 years for this and we are both so incredibly excited, but we are also both pretty nervous. So far our relationship has been purely long distance and what if things are different between us in person? I guess its just something we'll have to deal with once she gets here.