We survived the move!

We made it to Colorado all in one piece!  Tired and cranky and ready to just settle into our new house, but we made it.  Two weeks ago.  Why haven't I posted this sooner?  Because trying to get settled in has been something of a chore.  We are quickly discovering that trying to squeeze two fully furnished houses into one is quite the challenge.  Not to mention our new abode is riddled with problems from the last tenants.  Our poor (but amazing!) landlord has been practically spending his days here for the past week trying to get it up to snuff.  He feels awful that we moved in with it in such awful condition but we don't mind too much.  It just means that he's more than happy for us to do little improvements around the place to make it nicer and more our own.  I honestly don't see us leaving here the whole time we're in Pueblo unless something even better comes up.

On top of the house problems I've been fighting with my once-broken foot.  It has been causing me a lot of pain and just the other night I kicked one of our boxes of stuff destined for the thrift store.  Today is day three since doing that and I'm only just now able to put my full weight on it again.  My down time from my foot means that the mountain of boxes hasn't shrunk at all since I hurt it.  We have unpacking and projects to get done but I just can't be on my foot for long.  Its so incredibly frustrating.

Despite the issues we've been dealing with, I'm really coming to love our new hometown.  I've got two amazing friends here, both of whom have kids the same ages as C & R so they've got friends here too.  We live a block from one big park, and two from a smaller one.  The big one just behind our house has a pool and a free splash park (fountains for the kidlets to splash around in) and both have nice play equipment.  There is a zoo not far away, a children's museum, and so many different activities for the kids that I just can't wait to have the time to get them involved in something.

Speaking of time, we've got just over three weeks until C's first day of Kindergarten and 1 month until R's first day of Pre-K!  I can't believe both of our kids are starting school this year, its just so strange.  They are both super excited about going to school though so I'm excited for them.  Just need to figure out where to get uniforms and find their school supply lists and get them ready.  Also need to change our address with the school district and hopefully get C into a school closer to our house.  As it is, the one he's enrolled at now is a 10+ minute drive from our house and since both he and R will need to be dropped off at/by 8am at different schools that'll be horribly inconvenient.  Oh well, the school district doesn't open up again until the 5th of August so I guess I'll just have to wait.

There are so many things left to do before we're totally settled but at least we're here.  Our family is back together (with the addition of my mom) and even though they talk to him a couple nights a week on Skype, the kids are finally adjusting to just living with L and me.  The stability of being in just one house is proving a good thing for them, just like we thought it would.  C is having fewer accidents at night and is being a little less defiant and R, well she's three so she's just going to be crazy for a while no matter what.  Over-all the stress on everybody seems to have lessened since we got here.  I miss our friends and family back in WA, but so far CO is proving to be a great fit for our family.

A little reprieve

This whole getting packed up and ready to move 1500 miles thing is rough.  Its even harder when the one person that would be the biggest support to me is already in our new hometown working her new job.  L has been in Colorado since the end of May, she left days after R's 3rd birthday, and it has not been easy with her gone.

For a few weeks I was juggling school, packing, kids, and legal paperwork so I could get permission to move the kids out of state.  Once school ended and I got the bulk of the paperwork for the courts done things should have gotten easier right?  Well sure!  Except they didn't.  My load got a little lighter, what with no homework and paperwork to do, but emotionally things got tougher.  L and I have done the long distance thing before and we knew what it was like so we thought we were prepared.  We weren't.  Not even close.

After having lived together for 5 months, having to separate again was the last thing we had expected to do.  Our relationship is sound, and I'm still ridiculously happy in it, but the first month or so that she was gone was really difficult.  We normally communicate pretty well but emotionally this separation was harder on both of us than the others and because of that the communication really suffered.  Talking ,skyping, and texting didn't really happen a lot for that first month as L got settled in our new town and in her new job.  Those things all reminded her of just how much she missed me, the kids and our life we were building before everything got crazy with this moving stuff.  I tried my hardest to understand her new emotional distance that helped her cope with the physical distance, but where she needed her space I need contact more than ever.  It was brutally hard.

Then something happened a couple weeks ago, I honestly don't know what changed, but one day she started joking with me again!  Whatever had been going on eased up and things have been getting back on track.  I think it had something to do with both of us realizing we only had a matter of weeks until we knew we were going to get to see each other again.  Regardless, the return of her joking around and more open demeanor brought instant relief for me.

While things had been going better for us, this past weekend though brought total stress relief for an amazing mini-visit.  L was here for less than 48 hours but it was perfect.  Her mom had come to visit and eyeball the house to see if she wanted to buy it (she did!) and L hadn't seen her in a while so she had booked a ticket up here.  For the first time in months I was asleep before midnight and the dang eyelid twitch that has been plaguing me since she left magically disappeared.  While both of those things were nice, the best part was seeing her and the kids together again.  I know I've said it many times before but C and R absolutely adore L and seeing the three of them together just melts my heart every single time.  To see the woman I love being loved by and loving on my littlest loves is, to me, pure perfection.  Having our little family complete again for even such a short time was just what I needed to get me through these next few hectic weeks.

So now L is gone to Colorado again, the kids are being little terrors like normal, and packing is super stressful.  But! I've had my emotional batteries recharged.  I can do this.  And in less than a week we will be leaving this town behind and starting our five day journey to L and our new life.

Complicated life

In my absence this past month I've been working on trying not to fall apart as my life goes through some major changes again.  We are actually going through with the move to CO.  It looks like it may be in as few as 5.5 weeks but could be as many as 8.  Either way its too long though.  L has already left for CO to set up her new job and she started working this week.  Its been great for her in that she likes having something to do with herself, but being apart from our family has been hard on her. 

Truthfully its been hard on all of us.  R seems to be doing the best out of the three of us, she misses L a lot and asks for her on a daily basis, but mostly she's pretty accepting of the whole situation so long as I remind her that L wen to CO to work and find us a new house to live in when we move down there too.  Unlike his sister, C is taking it pretty rough.  He's been extra moody and clingy and strangely shy with strangers and even some people he has known since he was a baby.  His therapist (yep, my 4.5 year old is in therapy for coping problems related to the divorce...) says that he just isn't coping well with yet another person leaving him and that the shyness at least is his way of "stepping out" to clear his head and try and adjust to whatever situation is causing him to be shy.  Silly me opened my mouth and said that sounded just like something I do a lot and from that point on his most recent therapy session was actually a therapy session for me...

I basically got told that if I want my son to learn to cope and to be himself, sensitive and gentle and all, that I need to learn to do the same.  How can I argue with that? I know that L is supportive and wants to help me get back to who I used to be, but its been so darn long that I just really don't even know how to be myself anymore.  Its been too long since I've been allowed to be anything but the person who just shoves their feelings aside as an inconvenience rather than a real part of me.  She also told me that having emotional reactions to things isn't a sign of weakness, just that I am a gentle and sensitive person.  L has said something very similar to that on more than one occasion and while I love her and value her opinion above anybody else's, hearing the same thing from the therapist kind of made it really sink in.  If somebody who didn't know me could read me so well and could pick up on one of my biggest challenges, then it must really be something to try harder to fix.

I've been hoping to find somebody to talk to but there just never seems to be a good fit, I never seem to be able to open up to a therapist the way I can to friends or even a few random acquaintances.  And yet, 8 weeks before we are set to leave, I find somebody.  Just figures!

C will see her maybe 3 or 4 more times before we leave and I strangely find myself hoping that maybe one of those times I will get to talk to the therapist more about me.  I want to get better so I can be a better mom for C and R, so I can be a better girlfriend for L, but with this move and L and I being separated because of her heading down early for work I'm scared that I'm just going to get worse.  My emotions are so tangled lately because of the legal stuff required to move the kids with me out of the state, and I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of packing up our house by myself (for the most part).  Not to mention I'm finishing up Spring Quarter of school and I had to drop a class because I just got so far behind.  There is just so much going on right now, so many complicated things that I am trying to juggle.  I just don't have time to have an emotional reaction to anything, otherwise I'll never get anything done.  I want to scream and cry but at the moment it will serve no purpose.  

If I can just make it through until the truck is unloaded on the other end of this move, then I'll allow myself to react and possibly fall apart.  But I'll be with L again, in our new home, in our new state away from so many of the issues that I've been dealing with for way too long, so what really will there be to fall apart about?  For a little while I would just really like things to be simpler, just so I can get my feet back under me and get my head and my heart back on track for the first time in years.  I'm so incredibly tired of everything being so complicated.

Stuck... Or maybe not?

For the past few years I have been doing my darndest to get a good education that will actually be useful in a career.  If you've been reading for any length of time you know I finished my LPN certificate and got my license last year.  Unfortunately the job market around here for baby LPNs fresh out of school is pretty awful.  So, instead of stressing over it too much (trust me, there is stress) that I can't get a job, I've just been finishing up all the requirements for the RN program at my local campus.  I will finally be done in June and will be able to get my name on the waiting list, hooray!  Or at least it should be hooray if I hadn't heard some news today that has me feeling both relieved and frustrated.

Before I can explain the news, first a little background on how the way the RN programs run on my campus.  They do one single part-time (7 quarters) program that's starts in the fall every two years and sometimes, if they get an extra grant, they'll run a full-time program (4 quarters) starting during one of the winter quarters that the part time program is running.  Complicated and messy, but so far it has worked for people.

Now, the news I got today from one of my fellow RN pre-req students is that even if we get on the waitlist at the end of this quarter there are no available slots for the 2014 part-time program.  If by some luck they get the extra grant they will start the full time program this coming January (nine months sooner than the part time program) which will hopefully free up spaces for the part-time program.  But at the moment its not looking promising.  So what does this mean for me?  If I want to continue going to my school for nursing, as soon as I am done at the end of this quarter I will very likely have over 3 years of waiting.  Damn.  If I wait for a spot for me to open up at my current school it means I will be stuck in the same town for at least the next 5.5 years as I waited for the next opening and then actually went through the program.

So you remember my comment about the job market being awful for new LPNs here?  Well because I've been holding out for this particular program I have only really been looking locally.  But if I give up on waiting for this program it opens up a world of possibilities for employment and education locations.  I would probably still stay in this state, mostly to cut down on visitation drama with C & R's dad but also because both L and I have family here.  If I could find a job and/or an RN program out of state though maybe that'd be a better fit. 

Not only would a potential move help with getting us financially stable and getting me finished with my education (for now), but it would also give a bit of distance between me and the ex which I really think would be helpful for both me personally and my relationship with L.  I'm sure it'd be awful for him, and I know for a fact he'd fight for a parenting plan I wouldn't be okay with.  I also think it would be good for the kids in the long run.  I don't want to take them away from their dad, but I really do think that living in primarily in one house with visits to the other, instead of equally in two and being constantly jostled and never able to settle properly into a routine, would be best.  C especially would benefit from more stability.  He doesn't handle uncertainty and constant change well and is actually (at 4.5 years old) now seeing a counselor for SAD (situational adjustment disorder). 

In a way, what should have been disappointing news about the program I've had my heart set on for the past three years is turning out to maybe be a bit of a blessing in disguise.  I don't feel restricted to this area because of school anymore.  Sure we've got a home here and family and friends, but if we can do better for our little family elsewhere wouldn't it maybe be worth it?  It really is nice not feeling as stuck anymore.

Why I talk about the hard stuff.

I had an interesting conversation with one of my friends, B, today.  She has been through a similar situation to mine (spousal sexual assault) and she too is now in a healthier relationship.  While I was talking to her about my new love and how much L knows about my relationship with my ex I used the words "rape" and "abuse" and various other ones like those.  And she stopped me short and told me she was proud of me for being able to talk about what happened. 

Wow.

I talked with B a little bit more and I explained to her that, hard as it is, its important to me to be able to put words to what happened and to talk about it because I know there are people out there like me.  People who have been through a horrible situation (abuse, divorce, infertility, chronic pain/illness, etc...) and who likely feel so incredibly isolated because of it.  I talk about the hard stuff so that other people will know they aren't alone.  Even if they aren't ready, willing, or able to talk about the hard stuff right away, they at least know that when they are ready that somebody will be there to listen.  What B told me after that completely validated everything I had just said because she told me that while she isn't able to talk about it all just yet, that hearing me talk about it is "very very helpful".

This blog was originally meant to help me process the hard stuff going on in my life by laying things out "on paper" so to speak.  I've always been able to think more clearly once I write things down and I'm actually able to see my thoughts before me and go over them.  I had hoped that by having this blog public that maybe somebody in need of knowing they weren't alone would find it.  And while B had no idea about my blog, if what I have been doing this past year to help myself has actually enabled me to help even one person, even just a little bit, in their own healing process then I know it was the right thing to do. 

I have always been a fixer, have always wanted to help people when I can see them hurting.  With this great thing called the internet I don't actually see a lot of the friends I've made in person but that doesn't change the fact that if I know when they're hurting and that I want to help.  Heck, there are people out there that I don't even know but I know they're hurting and I want to help them too.  If my talking about hard topics has even a smidgen of a chance of helping them the way it has helped B then I will certainly keep doing it.  The more people speak up, the less alone we will all feel, and the stronger we will all become knowing that we've got support and understanding.

**Funny little bit of trivia: I used to write RP (role play storylines) on a forum and that's where I met both B and L as well as a few of my other good friends.  I will forever be grateful to that board, and the author who's books our RP was based off of, for those friendships.  One of which eventually developed into the amazing relationship I have with L now.

Love doesn't have to be hard.

She made this for me a while back when I was having a hard time.

Maybe we are still in our honeymoon period.  Maybe its because we have both wanted this for so incredibly long.  Maybe its because I finally found The One for me.  Whatever the reason, all I know is that I am in the kind of relationship I have seen other people in and wondered if such relationships really existed.  I've had what I would consider good relationships in the past, as well as bad ones, but I'm not sure that love has ever felt this simple. 

It amazes me daily how different things are with L than they were with anybody before her despite similiar, and sometimes even more complicated, challenges to our relationship.  I don't think there is a need to go into those particular challenges but they are definitely there and a lot of them have to do with me and my baggage with C & R's dad.  Others have to do with her own adjustment from single life with a job to suddenly being a mother of two crazy, rambunctious, snuggly kids and being unemployed.  Even with all of this, she (most of the time) has seemingly endless amounts of patience, understanding, and kindness.

I may not feel the need to go into what things we do have to contend with on a daily basis (mostly because they are rather common or pretty personal), but I am happy to say that I am finally in a healthy relationship that has absolutely no power struggle to it.  I never feel like I'm being told what to do, I never feel like I'm being talked down to, and I never wonder if something I say is going to cause an explosive fight and leave me walking on eggshells for days.  I have my moments of uncertainty and panic where I worry that I've done something wrong but all it takes is a no-nonsense talk with L to be reminded that I am safe with her in every sense of the word and that even if I had done something wrong we would work through it and fix it instead of letting it hang over both of us and make life miserable for days.

I know that no relationship will ever be easy all of the time, but its nice to have finally found one that isn't hard most of the time.  It's a wonderful thing to have living, daily proof that love doesn't have to be a constant fight.  That it really doesn't have to be hard.

Anniversary

**trigger warning**

Anniversaries mark big events in our lives.  Typically those events are something we want to remember because they come with happy memories, like wedding anniversaries or even birthdays.  Unfortunately there are also anniversaries for other big events in our lives that we really would rather not remember.  Deaths, heartbreaks, and (at least in my case) rape.  One year ago tonight my whole world changed forever.

I had been hurt by him before, three times I would call rape and multiple incidents of coercion to get me to do what he wanted sexually.  I wouldn't say I forgave him for those things but I had just shoved them out of my everyday thinking and had moved on with my life.  We had two kids together and I thought I needed him to make it by on a daily basis, to my way of thinking there was no point making things worse than they already were.  That is, until I got woken up with a hand pressed hard on my mouth and my nose being pinched shut while one of my hands was being directed to "get it hard".

After a year the details aren't as fuzzy as I'd like.  I wish I could forget how his hand felt on my face, on my throat, on the wrist of my hand that wasn't occupied.  I wish I could forget his words to me as he threatened certain acts that I knew were going to hurt like hell because they had hurt before.  I wish more than anything that I could forget how he oh so casually said immediately after, "Why are you crying, I didn't actually hurt you."  Only to be later followed up by, "I didn't realize you were crying until we were done."  Like there was actually any 'we' involved in the whole thing.  I fought to get away but he was stronger and heavier than me, I was groggy from sleep and he had me pinned so I could not force my body free.  A year later I wish I had called the cops.  I wish I had gotten the rape kit done.  I wish I had not waited two weeks to go to the police and CADA.

I'm not sure how things would have gone if I had done things differently but I can't help but wonder just how much suffering our family wouldn't have had to go through if I had not been so scared of confrontation.  I know the divorce wouldn't have been "friendly" and we likely would have had a huge custody battle for C & R.  But maybe the ex wouldn't have been able to try and kill himself if he'd been in jail for what he'd done.  I will never know.

I'm trying not to let this anniversary overwhelm me but I'm not sure how well I'm going to do.  As I'm writing this, I'm 30 minutes away from when the end of my life as I knew it started.  I haven't gone to bed yet, not sure how well I'll sleep, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to enjoy tomorrow/today (Valentine's day) a lot more than I did last year.  It shouldn't be hard.  This year I've got love in my life that I know will never hurt me like he did.  L is nothing like him.  I need to heal and to celebrate that love I have with her and I think that whatever grieving or pain I have to deal with on this anniversary needs to be dealt with tonight before I go to bed so that when I wake up I can move on with my life in a way I haven't been able to do just yet.

Reflections on 2012

It has been a very interesting year.  I wish I could say that 2012 was uneventful but it was anything but that.  Anything before February 14th of this year is just a vague haze honestly.  I think there was some snow, and nursing school, and I had my IUD taken out so the ex and I could try for baby #3 but other than that nothing really happened until 2/14/12.  It was the worst Valentine's day in my life and the day that changed absolutely everything.  It was the day I decided to divorce my (now) ex and it was the day that I sent an email to a long lost love, L, explaining just why I was divorcing him.

After that day my life seemed to turn into a whirlwind of craziness.  Between nursing school and dealing with the ex, our kids, and eventually the divorce, I'm not exactly sure how I came out with my head still attached and mostly functional.  I can happily report though that I graduated with my LPN, my kids are healthy and happy, and the ex and I are on friendly terms.  Things got rocky again with the ex in October but he is in therapy and has stable housing so we are doing our best to work at being friends again.

The best part of my year by far is that after almost 4 years of not talking to her, L answered my email on Valentine's day within hours of me sending it.  That gave me hope that if nothing else we could be friends again.  We have since survived long distance dating and are now living together.  Between then and now she made 4 trips out here and I made 2 back to see her.  I'm not sure I've ever travelled so much, and I really did learn to hate that airport because each time I put her on a plane back to OH it hurt more.  Still, she is finally here now and we are going to get our chance at happiness after way too long.

If somebody had asked me this time last year where I thought I'd be a year from then, this definitely wouldn't have been it.  I would have probably told them I'd be holding a new baby, or pregnant, and I'd still be married to the ex.  I would still have gotten my LPN but I'm pretty sure thats the only thing that'd be the same.  Despite all the heartbreak and insanity of this past year I am really, truly happy.  I will admit though, I'm hoping that next year will be a lot less eventful because I could seriously use a break from the emotional rollercoaster I've been on.  I just have regular school to do, hopefully I'll find a nursing job, and settling into a nice family routine with L being here is all I really want to do.  Maybe a bit of travel to go see our family back east, but nothing crazy.  I think I just want to relax this year and enjoy life as it comes.  Please be gentle with me 2013!

Miles into memories

I can't believe I haven't written in over two weeks with everything that's been happening.  The day after my last posting I finally got notification that I passed my State Board, I am an actual licensed nurse!  Now starts the annoying part of searching for a job.  I'm looking and looking, but it seems that most places really just aren't hiring newly graduated LPNs (licensed practical nurses).  They advertise that they hire new graduates, but those are either RNs (registered nurses) or MAs (medical assistants) and I'm beginning to get more than a teensy bit frustrated with the whole thing.  I've found a couple places that I'm going to submit my resume and an application to, but first I need to put the finishing touches on my resume.  Its an entirely different animal from any other resume I've done in the past and its proving tricky to get just right.  It'll be very interesting to see what my future in nursing holds for me.

 

In other news, in just nine days the miles that have separated L and I for so many years will be nothing but a memory. L will be here in my arms for good and I can't quit smiling! I've tried explaining it to C & R, but they're 2.5 and 4, they just don't quite realize that when I say, "L is going to be living with us soon," that I mean something other than that she'll be visiting with us again. They don't realize that we'll ever have to say goodbye to her again. I think once she is here and they realize that she isn't going anywhere that they are going to be as excited as me. No matter how happy I am about all of this, I still almost can't believe that it's actually happening.  The impromptu trip I took out to OH the day after her birthday (as a combo birthday surprise/packing assistance trip) and helping her pack and ship 8 or 9 boxes of her stuff to my house has helped make it all more real though.  After all, if she doesn't move out here I've got tons of her stuff for no reason.  Why would she do that?  I know for a fact she's coming and soon I will have boxes to prove it and to tuck away until her arrival. 

With all of this happening at once it seems like my heart and my life are finally being given permission to move on.  Like they are finally being released from the darkness and limbo they've been in for so long.  Its a shock to the system to realize that I may finally be coming back to who I used to be, or at least as close as I can all things considered.  I've been told that because of everything that has happened, and because I not only survived it but came out on top of it all, that I'll be a stronger person for it.  Honestly, strength is all well and good but I just want to revel in the love and happiness I know is out there for me.  The strength will help me with any new struggles that come my way, but for a while I just want to enjoy my dreams coming true.

Oh, and for the first time since last April I saw a rainbow.  It was dancing in the moisture blowing around the plane's wings as I flew home from OH on Tuesday.  It was a beautiful and welcome sight and I can't help but believe that somebody or something was reminding me of the promise I was given back in April. 

Here's to the future, memories, dreams, and promises!

The insanity in the waiting game

Have you ever anxiously awaited something?  The release of a new book by your favorite author maybe?  Or heck, what about a three day holiday weekend?  Or how about the arrival of your long distance love coming to move out with you or the results of your State Board nursing exam?  Well, if you think I'm going insane waiting for those first two, at times you might be right but at the moment its definitely the last two that are driving me absolutely bonkers.

I'm not sure how much I've talked about my journey to becoming a nurse in this blog, but I entered nursing school Fall of 2011 and graduated my school's LPN program the end of August this year.  Then life happened (L visit, C birthday, divorce, ex's attempt at suicide, etc) so I just put off taking the exam until a "better" time.  What a joke that was!  The weekend before my exam I had two tests due and a paper, not to mention all my other homework.  Oh well!  I took my exam yesterday and am now rather impatiently awaiting the results.  Most of my class that has taken their exam already got their passing results back within hours of finishing.  I've already been waiting over 24 hours.  Only one of my classmates had to wait a long time to find out that she passed, the other one that had to wait failed.  So I'm basically looking at a 50/50 chance here and I'm constantly stalking the Department of Health's website, refreshing every couple hours (during business hours) to see if my license status has been changed to "Active" which indicates a passing grade for the exam.  Its nerve wracking let me tell ya!

And then there is the biggest, most exciting thing to happen in my life since the birth of my children.  Something I have been hoping for, and dreaming about for years.  L is finally making the move out here and the train will be depositing her into my life and my arms in 25 days.  Only 25 days!!!  I've got so much to get accomplished before she gets here, mostly decluttering to make room for her stuff, and I just don't think I have enough time.  The day she gets on her train will be the day after my last final for fall quarter, which means those two days she's on that train making her way across the country to me, I will be scrambling like a mad woman to make sure everything is ready for her permanent arrival into my life.  I am so stinking giddy its ridiculous, but I'm also losing my mind.  I so desperately want it to be December already so that I can see her again, so that our life together can officially start.

For the past few months I have felt like I've been stuck in some awful kind of limbo.  My relationship with the ex was over but L was still so very far away, and nursing school was finished but I wasn't licensed yet.  Even when things nearly crumbled around me with the ex's attempted suicide and L came out to be with me for a while, I still felt stuck in limbo.  When she left in September the next time I saw her was supposed to be when she moved out here, I wasn't ever supposed to have to put her back on a plane and ship her off again.  But I did, and it was horrible.  And now, only 25 days away from her arrival, I'm sitting here banging my head against the figurative wall in utter impatience.  I still may not be employable (aka licensed) by the time she gets here, but at least the most amazing part of my life will finally be able to move forward even if another very important part is still stuck in the mud.

Please please PLEASE let the waiting go quickly!  I just want to wake up every morning next to, and go to bed every night with, my Love.  (And it would be nice to finally be a licensed nurse too!)

Its Final

The near disaster today in court was averted by an embarassing show of emotion on my part and a very sympathetic and understanding judge.  Because the Ex never completed the state required parenting class we almost had to delay the divorce another month to give him time to do so.  Only, when the judge saw how defeated I was at hearing that she asked a few questions of me then talked a bit more to him before deciding that she didn't want to punish me simply because he didn't get his act together on time.  As it stands now, the divorce went through and is final but he has until the middle of October to complete the class or he has to go back into court and find out what the judge has to say to him.  She informed him that she could decide to revoke his visitation or even go so far as to give him some jail time if he didn't get it done.

Anyway, once all was said and done today in court both he and I got what we wanted.  I got the divorce finalized and he got the protection order dropped.  I am officially no longer legally tied to my abuser except for the fact that I happen to share my children with him 3-4 days per week.  Its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing this, yet at the same time I still feel like not much has changed.  And probably not much will change until L's arrival in December unless he does something incredibly stupid like not completing the parenting class.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

On a little side note, today I am also finally making this blog public.  I didn't want to have it public before simply so that he couldn't use anything I said or thought against me in court if he so chose.  Now that he can't use it against me I'm putting this out there for the world.  Or at least hopefully somebody in a situation similar to mine who is hoping to find out that they aren't the only person going through the ordeal of dealing with spousal sexual assault.

What's in a name?

To me, names are about connections with people.  Either the connection to your parents who named you as a baby, the connection to your friends or special someone who have given you a nickname of some sort, or the connection to the family you chose/created when you got married or had kids together. 

Currently, the name I have is one that I love and treasure.  Even the last name which is mine only due to marriage I love.  However, the reasons I love my last name have nothing to do with who I got it from anymore.  The reasons I love it are cute, small, and snuggling with me as I type this.  C and R have that last name and it is a connection we share that I love to be able to point to and say, "See, they're mine."

A few days ago I was told by the STBE, their father, that when the divorce is final I have to change my last name back to my maiden name.  I told him he was crazy.  Yep you read that right, I fully intend on keeping the STBE's last name.  But its not because I want to keep a connection to him, its because I don't want to remove the one I have to the kids.  His argument?  I gave birth to them so I will always have a biological connection to them so I don't need to have the same last name as them just like he didn't have the same last name as his mom when he was growing up. 

Well the reason his mother didn't share his last name was that she had remarried.  If the day comes that I do get remarried its entirely possible that at that time I'll want to take a different last name, especially if the person I'm marrying wants me to.  Until then I want to keep the same one that my children have.  Maybe its not the typical way of doing things for most divorcing couples, and maybe he's going to resent me for keeping a name that he says I have no right to anymore, but for now its how things are going to be and the STBE is just going to have to deal with it.

Chapters' end, chapter's start

A week ago I finished nursing school.  Yep, I actually managed to do it.  In retrospect I'm surprised at how quickly it went because when it started last fall I thought it was going to take forever.  Sure, 1 year is the same time no matter how you look at it, but you know how sometimes things just seem to take longer?  Yeah, I thought it was going to be like that.

So, with that part of my life over I can't help but look to the upcoming months and know that there is so much about to change.  L will be back for a visit in less than 2 weeks (thank goodness!) and this will hopefully be her last visit.  After this she will hopefully be moving here for good.  I can't tell you how excited this thought makes me, words just don't do the feeling justice, but I'm sure you can guess.  Soon the period in my life where the one person I want with me the most is living across the country will be over.

Next month will also see the offical, legal, final end to my marriage and the STBE will actually be the Ex.  This is both a stressfull thing and a relief.  Its stressful because there is so much I need to get done between now and our court date and I'm more than a little overwhelmed.  The thought of the actual court appearance freaks me out too.  What if the judge doesn't like how we've handled things and changes them?  The STBE will throw a fit, not literally I'm sure, and will likely refuse to go through with the divorce unless the judge goes through with what he and I originally agreed on.  Not only does the thought of the divorce becoming some long drawn-out process freak me out for the pure fact of it becoming a long drawn-out process, but more than that it freaks me out because if it does go that way I'm scared L won't move out here after all.  Or at least not as soon as she would if things go smoothly. 

As for the relief caused by the final ending of my marriage, I would think its obvious.  I will no longer be legally tied to my abuser.  If you can't guess, this is huge.  For the past 6 years I have been emotionally abused by this man.  For the past 5 I have been sexually abused by this man.  As of September 26th, if all goes according to plan, I will no longer have to explain to people that my abuser is also my husband.  I will no longer be a statistic, a woman in an abusive relationship who couldn't (or wouldn't) get out.  I will be free.  Sure, there will still be drama between him and I.  When I had kids with him I signed up for life-long drama.  But, even with the drama I won't feel obligated to deal with it because I will no longer legally be 'his'.  Whew!


*bit - please forgive the typo Swype hates me...

With all of those things ending many new things are starting as well, I'm starting a new chapter in my life.  After talking with a good friend tonight for quite a few hours via text I'm pretty sure I want to call this chapter the 'Finally getting everything I've ever wanted' chapter.  She was 100% correct in what she said.  I finally have the education/ability to have a career that I love, instead of a dead-end job that I hate but do anyway because it pays the bills.  My kids truly are amazing, they amaze me every day.  Sure, most days they also drive me absolutely bonkers but they are 2 and nearly 4 so that's kind of expected.  And the relationship I am in now, the real one that I am actually invested in not the legal one, is amazing too.  I have never felt so cherished by anybody I've been in a romantic relationship with.  Never.  L has the patience of a saint dealing with my left over baggage from all my past experiences and I'm pretty sure she even plans to help me unpack that baggage and leave it far behind me so that we can enjoy a long and happy future together.  At least I hope so.  I really, truly hope so.

Looking to the future.

The past 5 years of my life have been a roller coaster, full of ups and downs that its too hard to explain in just one entry. Maybe further on down the road I will try and explain the past but for now I just want to concentrate on the now, and the future.

The now (possibly triggering): I'm in the beginning stages of divorce. I have been married going on 5 years, we have 2 kids together, and he is my abuser (both emotionall and sexually). He has raped me 4 times since we've been married, the last time yesterday at 1am. It already feels like its been a lifetime since everything happened and while at the moment I don't feel like I'm drowning in the overwhelming number of emotions bombarding me, I don't expect my clearheadedness and calm to continue. Probably once the gravity of my decision really sinks in, or when he finally moves out (or both) I will probably start reeling again.

The future: A life without a man in it, unless you count my son and my dog. Being a single mother of 2 small children. Graduating nursing school and getting a job that will support my little family. Hopefully, when the time is right, finally getting a chance to love somebody who won't hurt me. I've got somebody in mind, somebody I have loved for longer than I loved my soon-to-be ex husband. Time will tell how that works out but, like with everything else, I am hopeful for a good outcome.

I know it will be a long and rocky journey but I can't wait to get out of this dark place in my life, and back to the light.