Stuck... Or maybe not?

For the past few years I have been doing my darndest to get a good education that will actually be useful in a career.  If you've been reading for any length of time you know I finished my LPN certificate and got my license last year.  Unfortunately the job market around here for baby LPNs fresh out of school is pretty awful.  So, instead of stressing over it too much (trust me, there is stress) that I can't get a job, I've just been finishing up all the requirements for the RN program at my local campus.  I will finally be done in June and will be able to get my name on the waiting list, hooray!  Or at least it should be hooray if I hadn't heard some news today that has me feeling both relieved and frustrated.

Before I can explain the news, first a little background on how the way the RN programs run on my campus.  They do one single part-time (7 quarters) program that's starts in the fall every two years and sometimes, if they get an extra grant, they'll run a full-time program (4 quarters) starting during one of the winter quarters that the part time program is running.  Complicated and messy, but so far it has worked for people.

Now, the news I got today from one of my fellow RN pre-req students is that even if we get on the waitlist at the end of this quarter there are no available slots for the 2014 part-time program.  If by some luck they get the extra grant they will start the full time program this coming January (nine months sooner than the part time program) which will hopefully free up spaces for the part-time program.  But at the moment its not looking promising.  So what does this mean for me?  If I want to continue going to my school for nursing, as soon as I am done at the end of this quarter I will very likely have over 3 years of waiting.  Damn.  If I wait for a spot for me to open up at my current school it means I will be stuck in the same town for at least the next 5.5 years as I waited for the next opening and then actually went through the program.

So you remember my comment about the job market being awful for new LPNs here?  Well because I've been holding out for this particular program I have only really been looking locally.  But if I give up on waiting for this program it opens up a world of possibilities for employment and education locations.  I would probably still stay in this state, mostly to cut down on visitation drama with C & R's dad but also because both L and I have family here.  If I could find a job and/or an RN program out of state though maybe that'd be a better fit. 

Not only would a potential move help with getting us financially stable and getting me finished with my education (for now), but it would also give a bit of distance between me and the ex which I really think would be helpful for both me personally and my relationship with L.  I'm sure it'd be awful for him, and I know for a fact he'd fight for a parenting plan I wouldn't be okay with.  I also think it would be good for the kids in the long run.  I don't want to take them away from their dad, but I really do think that living in primarily in one house with visits to the other, instead of equally in two and being constantly jostled and never able to settle properly into a routine, would be best.  C especially would benefit from more stability.  He doesn't handle uncertainty and constant change well and is actually (at 4.5 years old) now seeing a counselor for SAD (situational adjustment disorder). 

In a way, what should have been disappointing news about the program I've had my heart set on for the past three years is turning out to maybe be a bit of a blessing in disguise.  I don't feel restricted to this area because of school anymore.  Sure we've got a home here and family and friends, but if we can do better for our little family elsewhere wouldn't it maybe be worth it?  It really is nice not feeling as stuck anymore.

How do I deal with this?

Without going into all the background of it, the Ex attempted suicide this morning and if I hadn't called the cops on a hunch (wasn't sure if he was serious or trying to push my buttons when he told me he was going to do it) the kids would no longer have their dad.  As it is I'm still not sure if he's going to make it because the ICU docs just don't have any answers for me yet because they don't even know how his body is going to handle the large doses of meds he took.

I wanted him in my life less than he was insisting on.  I was honestly hoping he'd wind up a dead-beat dad and just move away, maybe calling on birthdays and holidays.  I never wanted this.  Never.  He always joked about dying at 35, and his 35th birthday was a few weeks ago so he's actually been joking about it more but that's all I thought it was.  Apparently not.

Right now my emotions range from angry at him for being so stupid, to devastated that I may have to someday explain to C & R that their daddy killed himself, to just absolutely lost.  I was walking around in circles earlier trying to figure out what to do and had to just make myself stop, breathe and focus on one thing at a time.  Get left overs out of the fridge for dinner.  Get a bowl for the food.  Get a fork....  You get the point. 

As of right now the only thing I know for certain is that if he pulls through this I'm going to try and get the parenting plan modified.  If he is not even capable of taking care of himself he sure isn't capable of taking care of two small children on his own for half the week.  If he wants the same plan we have now where he gets the kids for half the week he's going to have to work for it.  He is obviously in need of some kind of psychiatric help, he needs a stable home (is getting evicted from his apartment tomorrow), and dang it he needs income so that he can keep his new place so I guess that means he needs a job since his college/financial aid fell through.

I'm not sure what I'm going to request the modifications be except for no overnights, and no alone time until all of the stuff I listed is met.  I absolutely can NOT risk him taking them with him the next time he decides life is too hard.

I think for now I'm not really going to deal with any of this.  I'm going to drink my glass of wine, aimlessly browse tumblr or pinterest until L gets home from her night of not dealing with all this, and then I can hopefully get on skype with her.  A little visual reassurance that she's in one piece and healthy (if a bit drunk) is much needed at the moment.