Does it really matter?

Our Family - L, C, R & Me

My adjustment to being an out and obviously queer parent, as opposed to being a passing-for-straight parent, has gone rather smoothly I'd like to think.  There have been a few shocked reactions from family and friends, some other reactions that were less than stellar, but for the most part the people in my life have taken matters in stride.  So what if I want to raise my kids with another woman, no biggie.  They can see that she loves them just as much as I do, so to them it makes no difference what her gender is.

People that we know are generally pretty awesome, and the important ones are totally supportive of our little family.  Every now and then though, we come across new folks.  The first meetings typically have people thinking L and I are sisters since we have the same general build and are both blonde and blue eyed.  Once we clarify for them, though, that we are a couple rather than siblings then that is when the questions start.  The question that is almost always the first to be asked is also the one that bothers me most:  "So, who's kids are they?"  Or, another variation that irks me, "Are you their real mom?"

Normally I stutter and stumble through answering that, because honestly there is no simple way to answer that without slighting L.  In all the ways that matter she is just as much their mother as I am.  Who cares if we weren't a couple when they were born, who cares if I was the one who pushed them out of my body instead of her, and who cares that, yes, they have a dad too and not just a sperm donor?  I mean really, in the grand scheme of things, why does any of that matter?  Not to mention, it isn't really their business anyway.

For the love of whatever you hold dear, people, please don't ask queer parents who the "real" parent is, or who the kids "belong to".  The people that you see with them, the people who are loving them and teaching them, playing with them and caring for their boo-boos, are the people who are parenting them.  It doesn't matter the technical relationship between the parent and the child, what matters is the work put into the relationship and, most of all, love.  Those parents could be one bio mom and one non-bio mom (like in our house), they could be the kids' uncle and his partner, they could be a blended family with kids from both partners, or they could be parents totally unrelated to the kids by blood because the children are adopted.  If the children are loved and well cared for, it really shouldn't make any difference who is parenting them.

L is just as much a real mother to C and R as I am; the only thing missing is genetics and legal paperwork.  And honestly those don't mean nearly as much as the love she and the kids share between them.  The next time somebody asks me who C and R's "real" mom is I'm not going to stumble anymore, the only answer they will get from me is, "Does it really matter?"

A little reprieve

This whole getting packed up and ready to move 1500 miles thing is rough.  Its even harder when the one person that would be the biggest support to me is already in our new hometown working her new job.  L has been in Colorado since the end of May, she left days after R's 3rd birthday, and it has not been easy with her gone.

For a few weeks I was juggling school, packing, kids, and legal paperwork so I could get permission to move the kids out of state.  Once school ended and I got the bulk of the paperwork for the courts done things should have gotten easier right?  Well sure!  Except they didn't.  My load got a little lighter, what with no homework and paperwork to do, but emotionally things got tougher.  L and I have done the long distance thing before and we knew what it was like so we thought we were prepared.  We weren't.  Not even close.

After having lived together for 5 months, having to separate again was the last thing we had expected to do.  Our relationship is sound, and I'm still ridiculously happy in it, but the first month or so that she was gone was really difficult.  We normally communicate pretty well but emotionally this separation was harder on both of us than the others and because of that the communication really suffered.  Talking ,skyping, and texting didn't really happen a lot for that first month as L got settled in our new town and in her new job.  Those things all reminded her of just how much she missed me, the kids and our life we were building before everything got crazy with this moving stuff.  I tried my hardest to understand her new emotional distance that helped her cope with the physical distance, but where she needed her space I need contact more than ever.  It was brutally hard.

Then something happened a couple weeks ago, I honestly don't know what changed, but one day she started joking with me again!  Whatever had been going on eased up and things have been getting back on track.  I think it had something to do with both of us realizing we only had a matter of weeks until we knew we were going to get to see each other again.  Regardless, the return of her joking around and more open demeanor brought instant relief for me.

While things had been going better for us, this past weekend though brought total stress relief for an amazing mini-visit.  L was here for less than 48 hours but it was perfect.  Her mom had come to visit and eyeball the house to see if she wanted to buy it (she did!) and L hadn't seen her in a while so she had booked a ticket up here.  For the first time in months I was asleep before midnight and the dang eyelid twitch that has been plaguing me since she left magically disappeared.  While both of those things were nice, the best part was seeing her and the kids together again.  I know I've said it many times before but C and R absolutely adore L and seeing the three of them together just melts my heart every single time.  To see the woman I love being loved by and loving on my littlest loves is, to me, pure perfection.  Having our little family complete again for even such a short time was just what I needed to get me through these next few hectic weeks.

So now L is gone to Colorado again, the kids are being little terrors like normal, and packing is super stressful.  But! I've had my emotional batteries recharged.  I can do this.  And in less than a week we will be leaving this town behind and starting our five day journey to L and our new life.

Worries of a Kindergarten Mom: Will my kids have problems in school because they have two mommies?

As I've been trying to wrangle all of the necessary details for our upcoming move into some semblance of order it just occurred to me tonight that starting in August when C and R start school, kindergarten and preschool respectively, that I'm going to get to navigate the possibly tricky world of elementary school politics.  I've never done this before and while I'm excited my kids are starting school and will be making new friends I can't help but wonder how their new friends' parents and teachers will feel about me and L.  How many other families at my kids' school are going to have two-mom or two-dad families?  Are we going to be something strange to gawk at or are we going to be just another ordinary couple?

When asking my friends for school advice for the kids this question wasn't even a blip on my radar of all-important-things-to-ask.  Instead I asked about the teachers, and the curriculum, and if they can handle kids with attention and emotional issues like C's.  Never once did I think to ask about things like if the school was LGBT friendly, or if it had serious religious leanings.  I don't think of these things because to me our family is just like any other with small children.  I don't think of these things because religion doesn't play a big part in our daily lives.

But now I'm worried.

The "what ifs" are bombarding my brain (at 2am no less), demanding to be given thought better late than never.  What if our kids get teased for having two moms.  What if the other kids' parents won't let them play with C and R because their family is "different".  What if (heaven forbid!) the teachers discriminate against C and R because they don't like mine and L's "lifestyle".  What if because we aren't a good Christian family that the kids get left out of after school playdates with their classmates?  What if, what if, what if?  If I didn't already have a headache this train of thought would definitely give me one!

At this point there isn't a whole lot that can be done.  The kids' information has been submitted, they are both enrolled.  We got to pick our first and second choice schools for the kids to go to but aside from that the school district will actually decide for us and once the decision is made and we are informed of it in late July/early August it'll be too late to change where they go this year.  Best case scenario all of my what if worryings will be for naught and the school that the kids wind up in will be fantastic and open-minded, regardless of our family make-up or religious beliefs.  Worst case scenario...  I don't really wanna go there but we all know it'll be bad.

Only time will tell how this turns out but I know I've got my fingers crossed.  I just really hope that our family's first foray into the public school system isn't a total bust simply because our kids have two mommies.

The great and the awkward.

Our family outting to the park today was a bit odd.  To any casual observer we might have appeared as two friends bringing our kids to the park or maybe one mom + kids and mom's friend, and maybe to the few people who might have noticed me holding L's hand for a while we might have appeared as what we really are.  That is, until the ex showed up too.  Then things started to get awkward.  Three adults, two kids and the kids calling all three of us mommy, mama, and daddy... 

Most of the time the ex was off following C, while R hung around with L and me.  She was obsessed with a couple of adorable little babies (an 8 month old girl, and a little boy maybe 14 months old) and one of them had two mommies.  When that trio first got to the park both L and I watched them long enough for us both to figure out what we thought we were seeing, then we looked at each other and smiled before she leaned into me and stayed that way till we had to go off and chase R again.  L isn't one for extreme PDA (making out in public) and I'm totally on the same page.  But she has said that even the more mild stuff like holding hands just opens up the possibilities for people being jerks.  I however, strangely considering my normally shy-ish nature, could care less what people think about whose hand I'm holding.  I love her and if I want to hold her hand dang it I will.  Or at least I would if I knew she wouldn't be uncomfortable.  So, when she leaned into me today at the park full of people I was on cloud nine.  She even proceeded to tuck her hand in my elbow at one point, and at another she let me hold her hand (sadly short-lived as R took off again...).

I wasn't brave enough to flat out ask if we could meet with the kids again, but R and the little boy totally hit things off so I asked them if they went to that park a lot.  When they said they did and then asked if we did, I explained we have a small park within walking distance of our house and normally go to that one but that maybe we should start going to the big park more often so the kids could play together the other mom's both smiled and said they thought that'd be cool.  I did my best not to squeal and do a happy dance right then and there.  Yes I'm excited at the prospect of R having a little playmate of her own instead of one of her big brother's, but I'm also kinda giddy at the idea of making friends with another two-mommy family.  I know there are others in this town, but seeing one at the park with their adorable little flirt of a baby boy (he was even flirting with me lol) just made me stupid happy.  Even if we never run into them again its nice to know we are in fact not alone.

I wish things were simpler sometimes and that the kids truly were just mine and L's but that's not the case and I'm okay with that most days.  And I'm happy to say that today's family outting to the park went great despite the awkwardness of our parenting situation and the fact that L still can't stand the ex.  I know where she is coming from, I know why she can't stand him, all I can hope for is that someday she'll at least be able to fake tolerance well enough to fool the kids.  She's been able to fake it with her step-monster for years so maybe she'll be able to do the same with the ex because I'm pretty sure its too much to ask (at least anytime soon) for her to be able to genuinely be friends with him.

New normal and parenting woes.

I'm learning to adjust to my new normal.  L is pretty well settled, school is back in session for me, and the kids are spending more time with their dad.  Its weird.  The first two make me really happy, the third I have mixed feelings about.  I love having alone time with L, its great to be able to just have peace and quiet in the house and just do grown up things without having to worry about little people's needs all the time.  At the same time, I'm prone to nightmares about something bad happening to them when they aren't here.  I trust their dad with them but I guess I've just gotten so used to them always being here that it freaks me out on a subconscious level when they aren't.

I feel guilty, but despite enjoying the quiet time I sometimes still think it'd be easier for all of us if we didn't have to juggle which home the kids were going to be at.  I want the kids to see their dad, they love him so much, but I'm really not sure how well C is handling the instability of it all.  Its too much change all the time.  He's been mouthier and has been having more potty accidents lately and while the sass might just be due to his age the potty issues aren't.  Why can't co-parenting with an ex be simpler?

I really wish I had the money to put C in preschool because that way he'd at least have one stable thing through out the week even if his home isn't.  He needs the socialization, the structure, and he could really benefit from the learning environment too.  Too many things I can't offer him and it makes me feel like I'm in over my head at times.  I always wanted to homeschool the kids, but as they get older I'm realizing that its probably not for us just because I am too unorganized to do it regularly.  I've got workbooks for him that we work on sometimes but that normally only lasts a few minutes at a time because he doesn't have the attention span for it and, admittedly, I don't seem to have the patience and tolerance to deal with his lack of focus.

If I can't get him into preschool, it would at least be nice to find him an activity he can do.  I had him in swimming last year and he really loved that and I'd love to do that again but I think something with a bit more activity would be good for him too.  He's like a cooped up puppy at times and really needs an outlet for all of his pent up energy. 

Maybe, if I'm really lucky, someday I'll figure out this whole parenting thing...

Finally

Today my heart became whole again, L is finally here to stay.  No more months without seeing her, no more nights on Skype hoping that our computers don't restart or drop connection.  No more explaining to two little people that they can't go to her house and see her because its too far away.  Only time spent with her, C and R.  I know there are likely to be rough patches, and I know those patches won't be easy, but considering everything we've been through in the past I've got a lot of confidence that we will be able to work through it. 

I've been trying for weeks to get across to C that L will be staying with us for good this time, R is too little to really grasp things like that but I told her anyway.  And when I say I've been trying, I mean I've told him so many different ways that I really couldn't think of any better way to tell him for him to possibly understand.  And then tonight, he and L had a moment that got me all teary.  Her being here, and hearing her say it to him, and answering his questions all made it sink in for him.  Then, in his heart melting way, he wrapped his arms around her neck (she'd been down on his level) and told her he loved her.  When she said it back, I had to walk away because if I'd stayed I was likely gonna cry.  Now, they've exchanged "I love yous" before and it made me happy, but to hear him say it after the already very special conversation they'd had just slid it home for me that she really won't ever be leaving us again.

I'm not sure I even have the right words to express exactly how amazing this whole situation is to me.  All I know is that I feel blessed to have found somebody so right for me, somebody that I love and that loves me just as much.  I found her years ago and made the mistake of not following my heart at the time, but we are together now and I'm happier than I have ever been.  And the most amazing part is that she is not only great for me but she and the kids mesh too, they adore each other.  I couldn't ask for a better person to help me raise them when they are here with me.  They aren't going to be burdened with a step-monster like some kids are, they are getting a loving, devoted, fantastic third parent to help teach them to be the amazing people they have the potential to be.  And for that too I feel incredibly blessed.

Old holidays, new traditions?

Coming up on the 4th of July sets my brain a buzzing.  Until a couple of months ago, when I made the decision to get a divorce, all of our family traditions were decided jointly by the STBE and myself.  Since making that decision a couple of holidays have passed, Easter, Mother's Day, mine and R's birthdays to name a few and we haven't really celebrated them any differently than in the past (except minus the presence of the STBE) but that doesn't mean we can't.  Until now I've had to temper how I wanted to observe holidays based on what the STBE wanted to do mostly just because he's a big bahumbug when it comes to holidays.  Well, no more!

This doesn't mean I have any grand schemes on new and fun ways to observe the 4th of July, let alone the other holidays, but it does mean that if I come up with something then darn it we'll do it!  Nothing new or grand will probably happen this year, just because of the very limited student budget I'm on currently.  But once I'm working and able to afford some more creative and fun things I think this is really going to be lots of fun.  I'm not wanting to do this just to spend money or basically say "we're better off without you!" to the STBE.  I'm wanting to do this to make fun memories for C & R.  Growing up I didn't have a lot, I was raised by a single working mother myself, but my memories are pretty much all happy ones.  Especially when it comes to the holidays.

Now I will admit that some of the holidays I want to observe with the kids aren't mainstream.  I consider myself pagan and I have in years past very casually noted the changing of the seasons and the other typical pagan holidays.  Some of "my" holidays coincide nicely with "regular" holidays (Easter/Ostara, Halloween/Samhain, & Christmas/Yule) and I've just kind of let them blur into one another so far.  I'm thinking that I may finally have the chance to elaborate a bit on the less mainstream side of them and thats exciting to me.  I have always wanted C & R to be well rounded in the ways of the world and caring tolerant people and I think exposing them to a wider variety of ways that people celebrate the holidays is one way to do that. 

I think my only concern/worry/hesitation in doing this, in elaborating on my own pagan holidays, is actually in regards to L.  She knows I consider myself pagan but I don't think we've really ever had a talk about what that means when it comes to holidays and such.  Its not like I'm a practicing witch or anything but lighting certain color candles or making certain foods on my holidays because of the power those things hold might weird her out a bit.  I'm not sure.  This is probably something we need to talk about but I'm pretty sure it can be saved for once she finally moves out here and we actually have the opportunity to celebrate holidays together.

Differences in parenting.

I have gotten so used to the way that the STBE interacts with the kids that listening to how L is with them, while I'm laying in the bedroom trying to recouperate from endo surgery 2 days ago, just blows my mind.  She is amazing with them.  For the most part they listen to her and when they don't she gently reprimands them instead of yelling at them.  I'm so used to the yelling that the absence of it is deafening.

I know that they are two different people, nothing could be more clear, but still.  How did I let him treat them like that for so long with me just idly sitting by?  Why do I still tolerate it?  I know when they are at his house the STBE still yells at C & R.  All the time.  When the pain was at its worst and the three of us were staying with him I saw it first hand so I know that nothing has changed. 

Knowing the personality differences between L and the STBE I really shouldn't be surprised at how differently they interact with the kids.  I am grateful for them though.  Its nice to think that at least at our house there won't be the constant yelling.  Its nice to know that I will finally have somebody that isn't a walking time bomb to help raise C and R to be something other than more walking time bombs.  Here's hoping that nurture totally outweighs nature with the kids.