Stuck... Or maybe not?

For the past few years I have been doing my darndest to get a good education that will actually be useful in a career.  If you've been reading for any length of time you know I finished my LPN certificate and got my license last year.  Unfortunately the job market around here for baby LPNs fresh out of school is pretty awful.  So, instead of stressing over it too much (trust me, there is stress) that I can't get a job, I've just been finishing up all the requirements for the RN program at my local campus.  I will finally be done in June and will be able to get my name on the waiting list, hooray!  Or at least it should be hooray if I hadn't heard some news today that has me feeling both relieved and frustrated.

Before I can explain the news, first a little background on how the way the RN programs run on my campus.  They do one single part-time (7 quarters) program that's starts in the fall every two years and sometimes, if they get an extra grant, they'll run a full-time program (4 quarters) starting during one of the winter quarters that the part time program is running.  Complicated and messy, but so far it has worked for people.

Now, the news I got today from one of my fellow RN pre-req students is that even if we get on the waitlist at the end of this quarter there are no available slots for the 2014 part-time program.  If by some luck they get the extra grant they will start the full time program this coming January (nine months sooner than the part time program) which will hopefully free up spaces for the part-time program.  But at the moment its not looking promising.  So what does this mean for me?  If I want to continue going to my school for nursing, as soon as I am done at the end of this quarter I will very likely have over 3 years of waiting.  Damn.  If I wait for a spot for me to open up at my current school it means I will be stuck in the same town for at least the next 5.5 years as I waited for the next opening and then actually went through the program.

So you remember my comment about the job market being awful for new LPNs here?  Well because I've been holding out for this particular program I have only really been looking locally.  But if I give up on waiting for this program it opens up a world of possibilities for employment and education locations.  I would probably still stay in this state, mostly to cut down on visitation drama with C & R's dad but also because both L and I have family here.  If I could find a job and/or an RN program out of state though maybe that'd be a better fit. 

Not only would a potential move help with getting us financially stable and getting me finished with my education (for now), but it would also give a bit of distance between me and the ex which I really think would be helpful for both me personally and my relationship with L.  I'm sure it'd be awful for him, and I know for a fact he'd fight for a parenting plan I wouldn't be okay with.  I also think it would be good for the kids in the long run.  I don't want to take them away from their dad, but I really do think that living in primarily in one house with visits to the other, instead of equally in two and being constantly jostled and never able to settle properly into a routine, would be best.  C especially would benefit from more stability.  He doesn't handle uncertainty and constant change well and is actually (at 4.5 years old) now seeing a counselor for SAD (situational adjustment disorder). 

In a way, what should have been disappointing news about the program I've had my heart set on for the past three years is turning out to maybe be a bit of a blessing in disguise.  I don't feel restricted to this area because of school anymore.  Sure we've got a home here and family and friends, but if we can do better for our little family elsewhere wouldn't it maybe be worth it?  It really is nice not feeling as stuck anymore.

New normal and parenting woes.

I'm learning to adjust to my new normal.  L is pretty well settled, school is back in session for me, and the kids are spending more time with their dad.  Its weird.  The first two make me really happy, the third I have mixed feelings about.  I love having alone time with L, its great to be able to just have peace and quiet in the house and just do grown up things without having to worry about little people's needs all the time.  At the same time, I'm prone to nightmares about something bad happening to them when they aren't here.  I trust their dad with them but I guess I've just gotten so used to them always being here that it freaks me out on a subconscious level when they aren't.

I feel guilty, but despite enjoying the quiet time I sometimes still think it'd be easier for all of us if we didn't have to juggle which home the kids were going to be at.  I want the kids to see their dad, they love him so much, but I'm really not sure how well C is handling the instability of it all.  Its too much change all the time.  He's been mouthier and has been having more potty accidents lately and while the sass might just be due to his age the potty issues aren't.  Why can't co-parenting with an ex be simpler?

I really wish I had the money to put C in preschool because that way he'd at least have one stable thing through out the week even if his home isn't.  He needs the socialization, the structure, and he could really benefit from the learning environment too.  Too many things I can't offer him and it makes me feel like I'm in over my head at times.  I always wanted to homeschool the kids, but as they get older I'm realizing that its probably not for us just because I am too unorganized to do it regularly.  I've got workbooks for him that we work on sometimes but that normally only lasts a few minutes at a time because he doesn't have the attention span for it and, admittedly, I don't seem to have the patience and tolerance to deal with his lack of focus.

If I can't get him into preschool, it would at least be nice to find him an activity he can do.  I had him in swimming last year and he really loved that and I'd love to do that again but I think something with a bit more activity would be good for him too.  He's like a cooped up puppy at times and really needs an outlet for all of his pent up energy. 

Maybe, if I'm really lucky, someday I'll figure out this whole parenting thing...

Exhausted and missing Her.

It rained, we snuggled, it was perfect.  I see much more of
this in our rainy NW future.

Its been a week since the ex pulled his stupid stunt and L came out on an emergency rescue mission (2 days after) to make sure I was okay and to help me while I tried not to crumble, and today I once again put her back on a damned plane.  Medically/physically the ex is fine now but he's doing a voluntary stay at the hospital's psych unit for at least a few more days.  To say the last week has been a blur is a major understatement.  Between the drama of last Sunday, the worry all day Monday and into Tuesday, then my day in Seattle waiting for L's flight to get in the beginning of the week was completely shot which threw off the rest of my week too.  I know I missed one test this week and I'll have to beg forgiveness and hope the instructor will let me take it late.

At this very moment I am laying in my bed alone, dead tired, and unable to sleep because I am alone.  Despite the circumstances for why she came out to visit, having L here was a nice treat and now that she isn't here I am more aware of her absence than ever.  This damn long distance crap hurts more and more every time I say goodbye to her even though I know the time that we will finally get to be together for good is getting closer every day.  I'm not sure what I'm feeling even qualifies as inpatience anymore. 

L is my person and I need her here.  I don't just need her here to help me cope with the hard stuff, or help with the kids so I can do my darn schoolwork.  I just need her here to share my darn life with.  Simple things like snuggling on the couch, talking about our day in person (such a novel concept!), or even just doing chores around the house together.  That is how life with somebody you love is supposed to be, not split up by thousands of miles for days, weeks, or months at a time.  I have no idea how my military friends handle deployments because this is absolute torture.

And, as if saying goodbye to her at the airport isn't normally a teary-eyed affair when its just the two of us, this time we had the kids in tow (so I could take them to see their dad on our way home) as well.  They were not happy to say goodbye to L at all and after we'd all said our goodbyes and I pulled the car away from the curb of the departures area, the kids started bawling.  C was begging me to go back and get her and R was just inconsolable.  Way to make a mommy's heart crumble guys, you completely shattered it.  They don't get that worked up about anybody but L.  Not me, not their dad, not their Mimi (my mom), not even their friends.  Only L.  To say that they love her is a huge understatement.  The day I don't have to explain to them why she had to leave again is going to be amazing.  Hell, the day I don't have to explain to myself why she had to leave again is going to be amazing.

How do I deal with this?

Without going into all the background of it, the Ex attempted suicide this morning and if I hadn't called the cops on a hunch (wasn't sure if he was serious or trying to push my buttons when he told me he was going to do it) the kids would no longer have their dad.  As it is I'm still not sure if he's going to make it because the ICU docs just don't have any answers for me yet because they don't even know how his body is going to handle the large doses of meds he took.

I wanted him in my life less than he was insisting on.  I was honestly hoping he'd wind up a dead-beat dad and just move away, maybe calling on birthdays and holidays.  I never wanted this.  Never.  He always joked about dying at 35, and his 35th birthday was a few weeks ago so he's actually been joking about it more but that's all I thought it was.  Apparently not.

Right now my emotions range from angry at him for being so stupid, to devastated that I may have to someday explain to C & R that their daddy killed himself, to just absolutely lost.  I was walking around in circles earlier trying to figure out what to do and had to just make myself stop, breathe and focus on one thing at a time.  Get left overs out of the fridge for dinner.  Get a bowl for the food.  Get a fork....  You get the point. 

As of right now the only thing I know for certain is that if he pulls through this I'm going to try and get the parenting plan modified.  If he is not even capable of taking care of himself he sure isn't capable of taking care of two small children on his own for half the week.  If he wants the same plan we have now where he gets the kids for half the week he's going to have to work for it.  He is obviously in need of some kind of psychiatric help, he needs a stable home (is getting evicted from his apartment tomorrow), and dang it he needs income so that he can keep his new place so I guess that means he needs a job since his college/financial aid fell through.

I'm not sure what I'm going to request the modifications be except for no overnights, and no alone time until all of the stuff I listed is met.  I absolutely can NOT risk him taking them with him the next time he decides life is too hard.

I think for now I'm not really going to deal with any of this.  I'm going to drink my glass of wine, aimlessly browse tumblr or pinterest until L gets home from her night of not dealing with all this, and then I can hopefully get on skype with her.  A little visual reassurance that she's in one piece and healthy (if a bit drunk) is much needed at the moment.

Its Final

The near disaster today in court was averted by an embarassing show of emotion on my part and a very sympathetic and understanding judge.  Because the Ex never completed the state required parenting class we almost had to delay the divorce another month to give him time to do so.  Only, when the judge saw how defeated I was at hearing that she asked a few questions of me then talked a bit more to him before deciding that she didn't want to punish me simply because he didn't get his act together on time.  As it stands now, the divorce went through and is final but he has until the middle of October to complete the class or he has to go back into court and find out what the judge has to say to him.  She informed him that she could decide to revoke his visitation or even go so far as to give him some jail time if he didn't get it done.

Anyway, once all was said and done today in court both he and I got what we wanted.  I got the divorce finalized and he got the protection order dropped.  I am officially no longer legally tied to my abuser except for the fact that I happen to share my children with him 3-4 days per week.  Its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing this, yet at the same time I still feel like not much has changed.  And probably not much will change until L's arrival in December unless he does something incredibly stupid like not completing the parenting class.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

On a little side note, today I am also finally making this blog public.  I didn't want to have it public before simply so that he couldn't use anything I said or thought against me in court if he so chose.  Now that he can't use it against me I'm putting this out there for the world.  Or at least hopefully somebody in a situation similar to mine who is hoping to find out that they aren't the only person going through the ordeal of dealing with spousal sexual assault.

Heartbreaking day

I have been so excited for this day to come, the start of Spring Quarter! Only it started off really, really bad... My good friend, the woman who was my doula for R's birth, called me this morning to tell me that the baby she had been carrying for 17 weeks had passed away and that she was in labor. She asked me to double check and make sure he school knew (we're both in the same Nursing program) and to let our classmates know. Of couse I told her I would, and as soon as I hung up the phone I had to fight back tears.

I somehow managed not to cry at all today until I saw her post on facebook that the baby had been a girl. The girl she has dreamed about for so long. The baby she will never get to watch grow up is he girl she had been hoping for with all her heart. Her name was beautiful and perfect. She will be very missed.

And while this is the worst part of my day by far, I've been exchanging emails with the STBE regarding visits with the kids and him watching them while I'm at clinicals and such and in one of his emails he mentioned wantin to take the kids on a trip around the same time I want to go visit L. I told him that if we could coordinate our trips then it would probably work out better for everybody. The email he sent me back was rude and kinda got to me. Him telling me I didn't need to "hide" her (meaning L) and that he just wanted to be done with this garbage and get the divorce papers signed. Garbage. Well, it probably shouldn't bother me but it does. Having our marriage called garbage by the man who swears up and down that he never abused me... Grr.

Anyway, just needed to vent my heartbreak and frustration today. Not much else going on.

Climbing the mountain...

...of darn paperwork! Good heavens! Whoever it was that decided that they needed to kill an entire forest for divorce papers needs to be shot. Or at least better educated on the ill effects of deforestation on our planet. You think I'm kidding? Request a packet from your local lawyer and you'll see what I mean.

Anyway, that is the task I have decided to tackle today. Filling out the mountain of papers to the best of my ability and then leaving the rest for whenever the darn volunteer lawyer decides I'm worth her time to actually call back and make an appointment with. Just because she works from home and on a volunteer basis doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice for her to call me back and at least acknowledge that I've returned her call and that she'll eventually get around to seeing me. To say I'm frustrated with the entire situation would most definitely be an understatement, but as she is a volunteer and will be handling this all for free I guess I can't get too grumbly.

Not really a whole lot else going on here I guess. Except that the kids saw the STBE yesterday for the first time in two weeks yesterday. Before going yesterday our oldest, C (who is 3.5), was saying how he didn't want to see daddy so I told him that daddy loved him and wanted to see him and play with him. Then, when they came home, he refused to come in the house because he didn't want me. Ouch. I don't know if the STBE told C anything to make him say that and carry on the way he did or if it was just "normal" toddler confusion over the whole situation. Either way it broke me heart and just added to yesterday's other woes.

Also, I've pretty much decided that the end of April or beginning of May I will be taking a solo trip out to see L. The next time she would be able to fly out here wouldn't be until probably mid-June and that is just too far away for either of us. I will have to do some very creative budgetting to make it work, and beg either my mother or the STBE (or both) to watch the kids while I'm gone, but I need to go. I have been in need of a vacation for years and this seems like the perfect reason to finally take one. Going through a divorce and having your #1 support person thousands of miles away just isn't very conducive to a fully functional and sane existence. While she was here I felt so much more at ease and was able to just roll with things as they came my way. And, if needed, I'd vent or cry and she'd talk to me and hold me and things would get better.

Well, it seems my temporary silence has ended, C & R are waking up from their naps, so I better tuck away the mountain and get back to reality.