Does it really matter?

Our Family - L, C, R & Me

My adjustment to being an out and obviously queer parent, as opposed to being a passing-for-straight parent, has gone rather smoothly I'd like to think.  There have been a few shocked reactions from family and friends, some other reactions that were less than stellar, but for the most part the people in my life have taken matters in stride.  So what if I want to raise my kids with another woman, no biggie.  They can see that she loves them just as much as I do, so to them it makes no difference what her gender is.

People that we know are generally pretty awesome, and the important ones are totally supportive of our little family.  Every now and then though, we come across new folks.  The first meetings typically have people thinking L and I are sisters since we have the same general build and are both blonde and blue eyed.  Once we clarify for them, though, that we are a couple rather than siblings then that is when the questions start.  The question that is almost always the first to be asked is also the one that bothers me most:  "So, who's kids are they?"  Or, another variation that irks me, "Are you their real mom?"

Normally I stutter and stumble through answering that, because honestly there is no simple way to answer that without slighting L.  In all the ways that matter she is just as much their mother as I am.  Who cares if we weren't a couple when they were born, who cares if I was the one who pushed them out of my body instead of her, and who cares that, yes, they have a dad too and not just a sperm donor?  I mean really, in the grand scheme of things, why does any of that matter?  Not to mention, it isn't really their business anyway.

For the love of whatever you hold dear, people, please don't ask queer parents who the "real" parent is, or who the kids "belong to".  The people that you see with them, the people who are loving them and teaching them, playing with them and caring for their boo-boos, are the people who are parenting them.  It doesn't matter the technical relationship between the parent and the child, what matters is the work put into the relationship and, most of all, love.  Those parents could be one bio mom and one non-bio mom (like in our house), they could be the kids' uncle and his partner, they could be a blended family with kids from both partners, or they could be parents totally unrelated to the kids by blood because the children are adopted.  If the children are loved and well cared for, it really shouldn't make any difference who is parenting them.

L is just as much a real mother to C and R as I am; the only thing missing is genetics and legal paperwork.  And honestly those don't mean nearly as much as the love she and the kids share between them.  The next time somebody asks me who C and R's "real" mom is I'm not going to stumble anymore, the only answer they will get from me is, "Does it really matter?"

Me in church?

Until last Sunday I had not willingly gone to church since I was 18 years old (I'm now 30).  Sure I'd been in churches for friends' choir performances or rummage sales and, quite sadly, for a few funerals as well.  But I hadn't actually attended a service in over 12 years until we packed the kids into the car last week and dove right in.

If you're wondering why I haven't been to church in so long, the short story is that I just didn't feel comfortable going anymore.  The longer story is that after I graduated high school a lot of my friends in the church went off to college and when I tried going back after my first failed attempt at college, it just wasn't the same.  About that time I was also realizing that maybe mainstream Christianity wasn't my cup of tea for various reasons.  Not the least of which being that I'd fallen in love with one girl and was trying really hard to convince myself that my friend J was really just that.  Add in that I'd been slowly feeling more drawn to earth-centered religions and I was just a walking ball of sin.  I was convinced that if anybody ever found out they'd kick me out of the church, so it was just easier to leave on my own terms.

So, like my realization about my sexuality, my shift in religious beliefs wasn't just a phase.  I loosely follow an eclectic mix of Pagan traditions and don't really belong to just ones.  I also still believe in God, though my feelings on Jesus are mixed.  Essentially I believe in the christian God, but I also believe that he is not alone.  I observe the changing of the seasons, I talk to the moon as well as pray to God.

After reading all of that I wouldn't be at all surprised if you're confused about why I'm going back to church.  Well, mostly the answer is that it's just time.  I've been feeling really disconnected lately, not from my immediate family exactly but more like that I'm missing a sense of belonging to something bigger than just us.

L and I found a Unitarian Universalist church here in town and because L has been to UU churches in the past and has always felt comfortable attending them we decided to check that one out.  Before we went I had a chance to do a little homework (aka: ask the great Google) on UU churches in general, and especially the values and beliefs they hold.  Considering that they are not only accepting of my non-christian beliefs but integrate them into services, as well as the fact that they are LGBT friendly, I'm pretty sure this is going to be the kind of church we'll be attending from now on.  Also, whether we continue to attend the tiny UU church here in town, or travel 45 minutes to attend one of the bigger ones in the next sizable town/city is not decided yet.  The one here is certainly convenient, and the people of the congregation were all lovely and welcoming, but the congregation is older (more my mom's age) and I was really hoping for at least a few people our age with kids closer to C & R's age.  As it is we are the only people in their 20s/30s that attended last weekend, we'll see how this weekend goes because we're going back in the morning.  Who knows, even if no other younger people are part of the congregation this might just be our new church home.