The overwhelming darkness

This time of year has been hard for me since I was 18.  For the longest time I wanted nothing to do with decorating for Christmas, or celebrating it, or even seeing the decorations plastered in all the stores I had to shop in for the necessities.

One month before I turned 18 my Gramma died.  It had been a long process and thanks to shared intuition between me and my Mom we made the decision for me to go see her before my intended summer visit.  That visit was my chance to say "goodbye" and I'm so glad I took it even though the phone call a week after I got home truly shattered my heart.  I remember the exact song that was playing on my radio when the phone rang at 5am.  I remember what I did that day with a clarity I wish wasn't there.  I would love to forget that day completely but my tender heart won't allow it.

Considering I am 30 this year, it has been 12 years since I lost Gramma.  Many people would say that I should be past this heartache by now.  If this were my only heartache maybe I would be, but there have been so many since then that they have all just compiled to make one giant heartache that I can't banish or move beyond.

Not only have I lost Gramma, but I lost my Uncle Roy too.  My house should also have more kids in it than it does, six more to be precise, but only one other with a name.  I've also been raped by the man I chose to marry and be the father of all of those children, and have since divorced him.

Then there are my health problems, both old and those newly discovered.  I've known since I was 20 that I had endometriosis and while it is an awful disease to live with, I HAVE learned to live with it.  I know the risks it poses to my fertility but when it comes to risks to me personally there really aren't any.  In addition to the endo, I broke my foot two years ago and it has been causing me pain ever since.  I recently had an appointment with a doctor down here in CO and she informed me that due to the type of fracture I had, the docs I had at the time should have done surgery immediately.  If they had I would have significantly less pain, possibly none at all.  Instead most steps I take are at least achy if not downright agony.  Again, while awful to live with, its not life-threatening so I'm managing.

There is one newly discovered health problem that terrifying me.  It was discovered when I went in to sign up for a drug trial for a new drug that controls endo pain.  Part of their medical screening to make sure the subjects are healthy enough for the drug is an EKG.  Basically a scan of your heart to make sure its working the way it should.  Mine came back abnormal 11 times before they gave up and sent me to a cardiologist.  So, no drug to help my endo pain and now suddenly I'm being told there is something wrong with my heart.  As much as it would devastate me to lose the capability to get pregnant again and carry our growing child, I would rather all of my reproductive organs be removed than have there be something wrong with my heart.  But I don't get a choice.  It is likely thanks to something, a virus getting me so sick that it damaged my heart, happening to me when I was a teenager and we just never knew about it because I have no symptoms that stand out from my asthma or heartburn.  But now I am being told I have congestive heart failure.  At 30.

My heart is so full of loss and heartache that it is sometimes hard to see through the overwhelming darkness of it all to the light that has been growing in me and my life lately.

I try to remember how loved I am now.  I try to remember that our family is in a better situation now than it was up in WA.  I try to remember that my kids are healthy and thriving here.  I try so hard, but it is becoming increasingly harder to see the light.

I am hopeful that after this holiday season is over and I don't have to pretend to be happy all the time that I will actually be able to process things better, maybe even seek out therapy.  I know I need to take care of myself but I don't even have it in me to do it for myself.  If I do therapy at all, it'll be for the benefit of my children and my love, L.

Complicated life

In my absence this past month I've been working on trying not to fall apart as my life goes through some major changes again.  We are actually going through with the move to CO.  It looks like it may be in as few as 5.5 weeks but could be as many as 8.  Either way its too long though.  L has already left for CO to set up her new job and she started working this week.  Its been great for her in that she likes having something to do with herself, but being apart from our family has been hard on her. 

Truthfully its been hard on all of us.  R seems to be doing the best out of the three of us, she misses L a lot and asks for her on a daily basis, but mostly she's pretty accepting of the whole situation so long as I remind her that L wen to CO to work and find us a new house to live in when we move down there too.  Unlike his sister, C is taking it pretty rough.  He's been extra moody and clingy and strangely shy with strangers and even some people he has known since he was a baby.  His therapist (yep, my 4.5 year old is in therapy for coping problems related to the divorce...) says that he just isn't coping well with yet another person leaving him and that the shyness at least is his way of "stepping out" to clear his head and try and adjust to whatever situation is causing him to be shy.  Silly me opened my mouth and said that sounded just like something I do a lot and from that point on his most recent therapy session was actually a therapy session for me...

I basically got told that if I want my son to learn to cope and to be himself, sensitive and gentle and all, that I need to learn to do the same.  How can I argue with that? I know that L is supportive and wants to help me get back to who I used to be, but its been so darn long that I just really don't even know how to be myself anymore.  Its been too long since I've been allowed to be anything but the person who just shoves their feelings aside as an inconvenience rather than a real part of me.  She also told me that having emotional reactions to things isn't a sign of weakness, just that I am a gentle and sensitive person.  L has said something very similar to that on more than one occasion and while I love her and value her opinion above anybody else's, hearing the same thing from the therapist kind of made it really sink in.  If somebody who didn't know me could read me so well and could pick up on one of my biggest challenges, then it must really be something to try harder to fix.

I've been hoping to find somebody to talk to but there just never seems to be a good fit, I never seem to be able to open up to a therapist the way I can to friends or even a few random acquaintances.  And yet, 8 weeks before we are set to leave, I find somebody.  Just figures!

C will see her maybe 3 or 4 more times before we leave and I strangely find myself hoping that maybe one of those times I will get to talk to the therapist more about me.  I want to get better so I can be a better mom for C and R, so I can be a better girlfriend for L, but with this move and L and I being separated because of her heading down early for work I'm scared that I'm just going to get worse.  My emotions are so tangled lately because of the legal stuff required to move the kids with me out of the state, and I'm overwhelmed by the prospect of packing up our house by myself (for the most part).  Not to mention I'm finishing up Spring Quarter of school and I had to drop a class because I just got so far behind.  There is just so much going on right now, so many complicated things that I am trying to juggle.  I just don't have time to have an emotional reaction to anything, otherwise I'll never get anything done.  I want to scream and cry but at the moment it will serve no purpose.  

If I can just make it through until the truck is unloaded on the other end of this move, then I'll allow myself to react and possibly fall apart.  But I'll be with L again, in our new home, in our new state away from so many of the issues that I've been dealing with for way too long, so what really will there be to fall apart about?  For a little while I would just really like things to be simpler, just so I can get my feet back under me and get my head and my heart back on track for the first time in years.  I'm so incredibly tired of everything being so complicated.

Stuck... Or maybe not?

For the past few years I have been doing my darndest to get a good education that will actually be useful in a career.  If you've been reading for any length of time you know I finished my LPN certificate and got my license last year.  Unfortunately the job market around here for baby LPNs fresh out of school is pretty awful.  So, instead of stressing over it too much (trust me, there is stress) that I can't get a job, I've just been finishing up all the requirements for the RN program at my local campus.  I will finally be done in June and will be able to get my name on the waiting list, hooray!  Or at least it should be hooray if I hadn't heard some news today that has me feeling both relieved and frustrated.

Before I can explain the news, first a little background on how the way the RN programs run on my campus.  They do one single part-time (7 quarters) program that's starts in the fall every two years and sometimes, if they get an extra grant, they'll run a full-time program (4 quarters) starting during one of the winter quarters that the part time program is running.  Complicated and messy, but so far it has worked for people.

Now, the news I got today from one of my fellow RN pre-req students is that even if we get on the waitlist at the end of this quarter there are no available slots for the 2014 part-time program.  If by some luck they get the extra grant they will start the full time program this coming January (nine months sooner than the part time program) which will hopefully free up spaces for the part-time program.  But at the moment its not looking promising.  So what does this mean for me?  If I want to continue going to my school for nursing, as soon as I am done at the end of this quarter I will very likely have over 3 years of waiting.  Damn.  If I wait for a spot for me to open up at my current school it means I will be stuck in the same town for at least the next 5.5 years as I waited for the next opening and then actually went through the program.

So you remember my comment about the job market being awful for new LPNs here?  Well because I've been holding out for this particular program I have only really been looking locally.  But if I give up on waiting for this program it opens up a world of possibilities for employment and education locations.  I would probably still stay in this state, mostly to cut down on visitation drama with C & R's dad but also because both L and I have family here.  If I could find a job and/or an RN program out of state though maybe that'd be a better fit. 

Not only would a potential move help with getting us financially stable and getting me finished with my education (for now), but it would also give a bit of distance between me and the ex which I really think would be helpful for both me personally and my relationship with L.  I'm sure it'd be awful for him, and I know for a fact he'd fight for a parenting plan I wouldn't be okay with.  I also think it would be good for the kids in the long run.  I don't want to take them away from their dad, but I really do think that living in primarily in one house with visits to the other, instead of equally in two and being constantly jostled and never able to settle properly into a routine, would be best.  C especially would benefit from more stability.  He doesn't handle uncertainty and constant change well and is actually (at 4.5 years old) now seeing a counselor for SAD (situational adjustment disorder). 

In a way, what should have been disappointing news about the program I've had my heart set on for the past three years is turning out to maybe be a bit of a blessing in disguise.  I don't feel restricted to this area because of school anymore.  Sure we've got a home here and family and friends, but if we can do better for our little family elsewhere wouldn't it maybe be worth it?  It really is nice not feeling as stuck anymore.

Dealing with bad days

I'm not sure how other people deal with hard days but all I know is that I just don't.  Those days where everything just seems to upset me by reminding me of all the bad things that have happened and all the good things that I can't have right now.  They're killers and today is one of those days.  I can't stop crying, I can't handle C & R, and the thought of even going to the store to get some much needed groceries is overwhelming.  I want to be alone either with my music blaring just laying in my bed doing nothing, or sitting down at the beach listening to the waves crash and the gulls screeching.  I just need time to think and process things without other bodies vying for my attention. 

Why does this have to be so hard?  Why can't I wait until the day is done and the kids are in bed and the shopping is done for this stupid breakdown I seem to be having?  I'm pretty sure therapy is supposed to help stave off this sort of breakdown but as I haven't been in a while, and the stuff we were doing in our sessions wasn't really teaching me coping techniques anyway, I just don't think its worth the time.  All I know is that I will be going to the store, I will be dealing with my kids, and somehow I am going to stop crying at least while other people can see me.  I have no choice.

I would like to think this is my problem, that I've been strong too long and that is why I'm crying.  It has been a very hard five years and the hard isn't over yet.  I'm still dealing with the STBE on a daily basis and while he says he wants to help me, he only wants to help me on his terms.  Its so frustrating to know that there is somebody that would actually help me if she could be here, that she'd kick me out of the house to go get that alone time if necessary, but that she can't be here.  Not yet. 

I know thats part of my problem today.  I'm missing L horribly.  Since she has left I've had horrible dreams almost nightly, so my lack of sleep is stacking up pretty bad too.  So lack of sleeping, missing my love, and just being generally overwhelmed by normal every day stuff...  There is only so much one girl can take before the strength gets overrun and the tears come whether I want them to or not.

A brand new ending

I think that this is going to become my personal statement for a while. I know its impossible to change the past, and all things considered if I did then I wouldn't have my two wonderful kidlets and that I wouldn't change for the world. So even if it were possible I wouldn't do it.

What is possible, however, is changing how my future will play out. I've already taken a few steps towards a better life, I have a few more coming up this week, and even more over the weeks and months to come.

I'm trying really hard not to be anxious or worried about the future, but as anybody who knows me well can attest, I'm a natural worrier so this is a very hard thing for me. Instead I am trying to be excited about how my life will be from here on out. I have so many opportunities to make a better, happier life for myself, C, and R, and I am going to do my best to take advantage of as many of those opportunities as possible.

This coming week alone I have some pretty important stuff going on. Monday is my final exam for 2nd quarter of nursing school (half way done!) and also the day that a very special someone will be arriving in WA. If I can concentrate on my exam in the morning I'll be pleasantly surprised. Tuesday I have my first therapy appointment to help me deal with everything that went on between the STBE and me. Wednesday is going to be the hard day this week: court. I admit I'm scared to death that the judge won't uphold the protection order and that the STBE will be able to come home. And if he does he'll find L here with the kids and likely go ballistic and try to take the kids right then and there. Even if the protection order is turned permanent its going to be an emotionally draining day and having L here will be nothing short of a miracle. Thursday morning (way too early for this girl) I have to take L back to the airport. Not looking forward to that one bit, but having her here for even such a short visit after waiting almost 6 years since we realized we had feelings for each other? Totally worth it =).

After that all I have going is Spring Break from school. I plan to ignore everything having to do with nursing for the entire break and just focus on getting reacquainted with friends that I haven't seen or done much with over the past few years thanks to the STBE's role in my life. I'm probably even going to get a new tattoo! If I do, I'll post a picture. I already know what it will be, and its really simple but has a lot of meaning to me.

Anyway, here's to a brand new (and much happier) ending!