Its Final

The near disaster today in court was averted by an embarassing show of emotion on my part and a very sympathetic and understanding judge.  Because the Ex never completed the state required parenting class we almost had to delay the divorce another month to give him time to do so.  Only, when the judge saw how defeated I was at hearing that she asked a few questions of me then talked a bit more to him before deciding that she didn't want to punish me simply because he didn't get his act together on time.  As it stands now, the divorce went through and is final but he has until the middle of October to complete the class or he has to go back into court and find out what the judge has to say to him.  She informed him that she could decide to revoke his visitation or even go so far as to give him some jail time if he didn't get it done.

Anyway, once all was said and done today in court both he and I got what we wanted.  I got the divorce finalized and he got the protection order dropped.  I am officially no longer legally tied to my abuser except for the fact that I happen to share my children with him 3-4 days per week.  Its a huge weight lifted off my shoulders knowing this, yet at the same time I still feel like not much has changed.  And probably not much will change until L's arrival in December unless he does something incredibly stupid like not completing the parenting class.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

On a little side note, today I am also finally making this blog public.  I didn't want to have it public before simply so that he couldn't use anything I said or thought against me in court if he so chose.  Now that he can't use it against me I'm putting this out there for the world.  Or at least hopefully somebody in a situation similar to mine who is hoping to find out that they aren't the only person going through the ordeal of dealing with spousal sexual assault.

More crazy complications in my life

Why is it that when I think I finally have a handle on things that my whole world gets turned upside down again?  Sure, it wasn't easy juggling school, the kids (and sharing them with their father), and being away from L yet I was managing. But now, thanks to the horrendous pain that has taken over my life, both the kids and I are spending a lot of time with the STBE. Considering the past, and the fact that there is a protection order in place, I wouldn't blame you for wondering what I'm thinking. Hell, I wonder what I'm thinking. All I know is that he is willing and able to help me.  If this is indeed endometriosis, then the last time I dealt with all of this I didn't have kids so I was able to be a lot more focussed on myself.  This time with C & R running around, I don't have that luxury.  I need to be able to make sure that both them, and me, are taken care of and unfortunately I'm not able to do that when the pain is at its worst.  That is where the STBE comes in.

Last night all three of us stayed the night with the STBE at his place. Yep, you read that right.  Why?  Because I couldn't get off the couch becaue the pain was so awful.  There was no way I could have taken care of the kids last night without his help.  Is this going to become a regular thing?  I hope not, but if we aren't able to figure out what is causing the pain then I'm going to continue needing help and he has said he is willing to give it.  Am I okay with this?  I'm not sure.  Accepting help from somebody I'm not sure I even trust anymore is really really hard.  If C & R weren't in the picture I can honestly tell you I wouldn't be doing it.  Is L okay with me spending the night at the house of the man who raped me?  She doesn't like it because she doesn't trust him anymore than she can throw him, but she is glad that there is somebody who can help me while she is so far away even if it is him.

Basially the situation is just really weird and more than a little complicated. I have to say though, since we've been spending so much time here, he has been nothing but a gentleman towards me.

When to draw the line?

How do you determine just when and where to draw the line with an ex?  What boundaries shouldn't be crossed with somebody that knows you so well, that was part of your life for so long?  I suppose it depends on the nature of the break-up; what the reasons were behind it and how well it went over with the person being left behind.  The STBE did something to me (on more than one occaison) that was just utterly unforgiveable and in the end I got a protection order against him to keep him away from me, and he got so mad at me for it because he thinks that I was "never abused" by him.  Obviously there should probably be some pretty strong lines drawn, and some pretty rigid boudaries in place, between us yet for whatever reason there just aren't. 

You are probably asking why I got the protection order if I'm not taking advantage of it and using it to give myself those boundaries that I need and want.  Thats a good question.  Honestly its just because of convenience that I'm ignoring it.  We have nobody to act as our go-between when it comes to C & R so we have to exchange them in person, either him coming to get them or me droppping them off etc.  This also means that he calls and texts me whenever he feels like it.  At first that was mostly about the kids but now its just all the time, about anything.  I'm getting super frustrated with this but I feel like its already too late to do anything about it.

I think if we were able to keep our interactions to a minimum, regarding only the kids, then maybe I'd be okay with not 100% sticking to the protection order.  As it is though, he has invited me to stay the night if I've had a stressful day, he talks almost constantly about his new lady friend and how he's charming her off her feet and into bed, he knows that I want nothing to do with him (especially sexually) yet he has offered that when I want more kids that he'll be the donor...  The lines aren't just blurred, they've been totally obliterated.  What do I do?

With R's second birthday coming up in just under three weeks my choices are rather limited.  I know he wants to come to her party, I know he'll be devastated if he can't.  I know he wants me to drop the protection order.  Yet I want to tell him to just leave me alone.  I want to explain to him that he's hurting and confusing me more and more every time I see him and to stop trying to build a friendship between us because I am nowhere near ready for something like that yet.  Hell, I HAVE tried explaining this to him yet he just ignores what I'm saying and pleads his case that "its better for the kids if we are friends."  And damnit, he's right.  It is better for them to see us interacting in a friendly manner. 

Unfortunately, there is friendly, and then there is "friendly," and he is leaning more towards the second option.  He says he doesn't want me anymore because he's falling in love with somebody new, yet he still says things to me that feel like he's trying to convince me that the choice I made was a mistake.  I know in my heart that I made the right choice, I have absolutely no doubts.  I hate him for what he did to me and I would honestly be happiest if he would just suddenly decide he wanted nothing to do with me and the kids so we could go about our lives without him in it.  But we're stuck with him.  And this means I'm stuck with his damn inappropriate offers and flirting.  My complete inability to deal with confrontation makes it impossible for me to utilize the protection order, let alone do something as simple as tell him to knock the sh*t off.

I know that I need to work on this, setting boundaries with him, but I'm just not able to yet and I'm worried that by the time I have the ability it will be too late.

It all hit the fan

So, Monday I did something that wasn't easy. Tuesday I did something completely miserable. Wednesday I did the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Its been a horribly horrible week and I am SO greatful that its almost over. Now if only I knew for certain that things were going to be smooth sailing from here but consdering what I did this week I'm almost 100% sure that things will be anything but smooth.

**Fair warning, the rest of this blog might be triggering**

Monday I worked up the nerve and actually made it to my appointment with CADA (citizens against domestic abuse). The meeting with them was rather simple and straightforward. I told them the basics of what happened on Feb. 14th and they told me what options were out there for me that other people have pursued or utilized. Still, it was an emotional appointment and when I left it I immediately called L (she is the woman from my past who has been so incredibly supportive, and who I am falling in love with all over again). Needless to say, she once again talked me down from the crazy emotions that I just couldn't quite get under control. While talking to her I made a decision, one that I knew would not be received well at all.

I went home and asked the STBE, again, to move out of the house. As I had expected he refused. What I didn't expect, though I probably should have considering he's done it before, was that he threatened to take away C & R and never let me see them again. That sent me into a panick. My children are my life and my joy and to lose them forever.... Just the thought sends chills down my spine. Anyway, that was the last straw for this mama. Go ahead and threaten me, or hurt me, but never NEVER threaten to take my babies!

That particular argument above, as well as a rather brief conversation with a classmate of mine Tuesday morning convinced me of the next step I needed to take. It was awful, and is something I never want to have to do again. I went to the police station here in town and filed a claim with them for domestic violence. To do so I had to do a recorded interview that included everything he has done to me. All 4 instances were gone over in as much detail as I could remember and dredging up all those old memories was excruciatingly painful. While talking to the detective helping me with my claim, she made it very clear that she thought an order of protection against the STBE would probably be in my best interest, and that of the kids. As hard as it was to do, I made another appointment with CADA to fill out the paperwork for the protection order.

Wednesday was the topper to the cake, the day I filled out the papers for the protection order and took it to the country court. Talk about emotionally draining. The order was approved on a temporary (2 week) basis and we have a hearing where he can tell his side of things 2 weeks from the day the temp. order was approved. The order was faxed to my local PD and the detective I worked with on Tuesday was actually the one to serve it. She found him at the college and he was not happy at all. When an officer escorted him to the house to take his clothes and switch out the cars I had to be present and that was the worst part of the day. I could tell he hated me for doing this to him but like the detective had told me, it wasn't my problem. He brought this on himself by raping me (multiple times) and threatening to take the kids. It still killed me to see that look in his eyes. And before he left he asked if he could see the kids, who were down the street at my friend's house. I said he could and went to get them. I knew he would cry when he said goodbye to them but it still hurt seeing him so upset like that. After all, they mean the world to him just like they do to me.

Since Wednesday things have been rough. C is acting out more as we adjust to being a single parent household. He has always been a boundary pusher but it has gotten markedly worse without the STBE here too. R is just extra snuggly. I think I am now getting all of the snuggles she normally gave me plus those she'd give her daddy. And while my general anxiety level has decreased immensely since he was removed from the house, I'm still fighting a lot of sadness and am just a bit overwhelmed at being a single parent.

The light point I have to look forward to is that on the 19th of March L will be flying out. Monday after my appointment with CADA and the argument with the STBE we skyped for a long time and at one point I said how much I wish she were out here and she answered she'd love to be but it would cause too many problems. My answer to that was "f*ck the problems". When she asked if I meant what I said, I answered yes and she told me she would fly out. She just needed to give 2 weeks notice at work that she needed some time off. Tuesday her work approved her time off and she booked her ticket. We have been waiting almost 6 years for this and we are both so incredibly excited, but we are also both pretty nervous. So far our relationship has been purely long distance and what if things are different between us in person? I guess its just something we'll have to deal with once she gets here.