Innocent love and compassion.

Today on the way home from picking R up from preschool I was given proof of just the type of girl she is and I couldn't be prouder.

R: "That man with the hat, I just want to hug him!"

Me: I notice a homeless man sitting outside the little corner store we're stopping at and ask her "The man in front of the store?"

R: "Yes! I want to hug him!" She's getting very excited now.

Me: I park the car and as we're walking into the store she holds out her hand to him, he looks to me to make sure its okay and I just smile at him and ask him, "She wants to give you a hug, is that okay?"

The man: With a look of shock and joy on his face he answers, "Of course! God bless her!" And he got a classic R bear hug.

Once inside, R informs me she wants to give him lunch and tells me to get him a sandwich. Instead we get him a loaf of bread and some lunch meat. When we come back out and give it to him, she has a gigantic smile on her face and the man was speechless for a moment before thanking us. I told him it was her idea and he just beamed at her. 

Now, if I haven't mentioned before, R is only 3.5 years old.  And somehow she innately knows that feeding somebody who looks hungry is just the right thing to do and that a hug can brighten somebody's day. I am in awe of my baby girl today.

Me in church?

Until last Sunday I had not willingly gone to church since I was 18 years old (I'm now 30).  Sure I'd been in churches for friends' choir performances or rummage sales and, quite sadly, for a few funerals as well.  But I hadn't actually attended a service in over 12 years until we packed the kids into the car last week and dove right in.

If you're wondering why I haven't been to church in so long, the short story is that I just didn't feel comfortable going anymore.  The longer story is that after I graduated high school a lot of my friends in the church went off to college and when I tried going back after my first failed attempt at college, it just wasn't the same.  About that time I was also realizing that maybe mainstream Christianity wasn't my cup of tea for various reasons.  Not the least of which being that I'd fallen in love with one girl and was trying really hard to convince myself that my friend J was really just that.  Add in that I'd been slowly feeling more drawn to earth-centered religions and I was just a walking ball of sin.  I was convinced that if anybody ever found out they'd kick me out of the church, so it was just easier to leave on my own terms.

So, like my realization about my sexuality, my shift in religious beliefs wasn't just a phase.  I loosely follow an eclectic mix of Pagan traditions and don't really belong to just ones.  I also still believe in God, though my feelings on Jesus are mixed.  Essentially I believe in the christian God, but I also believe that he is not alone.  I observe the changing of the seasons, I talk to the moon as well as pray to God.

After reading all of that I wouldn't be at all surprised if you're confused about why I'm going back to church.  Well, mostly the answer is that it's just time.  I've been feeling really disconnected lately, not from my immediate family exactly but more like that I'm missing a sense of belonging to something bigger than just us.

L and I found a Unitarian Universalist church here in town and because L has been to UU churches in the past and has always felt comfortable attending them we decided to check that one out.  Before we went I had a chance to do a little homework (aka: ask the great Google) on UU churches in general, and especially the values and beliefs they hold.  Considering that they are not only accepting of my non-christian beliefs but integrate them into services, as well as the fact that they are LGBT friendly, I'm pretty sure this is going to be the kind of church we'll be attending from now on.  Also, whether we continue to attend the tiny UU church here in town, or travel 45 minutes to attend one of the bigger ones in the next sizable town/city is not decided yet.  The one here is certainly convenient, and the people of the congregation were all lovely and welcoming, but the congregation is older (more my mom's age) and I was really hoping for at least a few people our age with kids closer to C & R's age.  As it is we are the only people in their 20s/30s that attended last weekend, we'll see how this weekend goes because we're going back in the morning.  Who knows, even if no other younger people are part of the congregation this might just be our new church home.

Best surprise ever.

So when I wrote this post back in August about hoping to someday get married to my sweetie, I was expecting there to be a super long wait before she was even ready for one of us to pop the question.  Well, she surprised the heck out of me and last night after a pretty serious conversation about kids and marriage she got down on one knee and asked!  For lack of proper planning time, neither of us had an actual engagement ring handy for the other so we just exchanged our personal rings that we each wear on a daily basis and then we made a few phone calls and sent a few messages.  Today we've told a few more people but we haven't made a big general announcement yet as we're wanting to make sure all the important people (aka people who will get offended if they find out on Facebook) are told personally first.

As of yet we have almost no details worked out.  No date, no specific location (though we know it'll be in WA), and only one wedding party member confirmed because she's L's best friend and L couldn't help but ask her today when she called her to share the good news.   We also know we'll be using her grandmother's wedding bands (set aside for us by her cousin A), and that we won't be having a strict color theme.  While I'll probably be in a blue dress and her in a suit, L's maid of honor will be almost guaranteed to be in pink.  Its going to be a crazy fun mish-mash of clothes and people but I think its going to be amazing.  Especially if her cousin A helps me plan it like I'm sure she's dying to.

L keeps expecting me to break down in tears of happiness, and while I'm sure I will on the day (whenever that happens to be) right now I'm just so darn happy that I can't hardly stop smiling.  I'm also still in shock that it was her that popped the question instead of me, and that it was so soon, but in my heart I always hoped it would be her asking.  With her uncertainties and hesitance about marriage, up until now, I always wanted to ask but knew it would be better if I let her ask on her own time.  And apparently that time just happened to be last night.

Life turned upside down

So, shortly after my last post we made a very unpleasant discovery about our rental house that we moved into in July.  I'd been getting nasty blistered bug bites starting a couple weeks after we moved here and we thought it was just mosquitoes or some nasty flies.  It wasn't.  What it turned out to be, we discovered after we sprayed for possible fleas, was bedbugs.  Yep.  Bedbugs.  Is your skin crawling at the idea?  Mine is too.  Even now, knowing the house has been sprayed, my skin still crawls.

If you're wondering just what about yucky bedbugs have to do with my life being turned upside down, let me explain.  Those blistered bug bites were an allergic reaction to the bugs, which considering I'm allergic to other kinds of bugs and lots of other things (plants, animals, dust, etc.), isn't really all that surprising.  Unpleasant and annoying, but not surprising.  Most people their story with bedbugs would end as soon as you get the house sprayed.  Unfortunately, its extremely expensive to spray for bedbugs when a house is inhabited because all of the furniture and personal belongings of the people need to be sprayed too.  Our landlord balked at the price, offered to try DIY bedbug remedies, but eventually agreed to the professionals doing it so that C would have a minimum of upset now that he's settling in.

The day came for the first spraying and we stayed out as long as they told us, plus a couple extra hours so by all rights everything should have been fine.  After being home for less than an hour I noticed an odd burning sensation on my face by my mouth and over the next 3 hours it continued to spread up my face to my eyes, ears and throat.  It got uncomfortable for me to swallow, and was starting to get difficult to breathe when finally L and my mother convinced me it was time to go to the ER.  Turns out I was having an allergic reaction to the spray that was used to kill the bugs I was having an allergic reaction to...

We slept at L's office that night and then the next morning we called the exterminator to find out just what was going on with me and what we should do.  His suggestion: get a lawyer and stay out of the house.  When we asked how long it would take for the chemicals I was having a reaction to to wear off he told us three months after each treatment.  Because of the level of infestation in our house (apparently for over a year before we moved in, unknown to the landlord because the last tenants were just awful) we were going to need three treatments with the last one being a month and a half after the first one.  If I've confused you and you're trying to do the math for just how long this means I'm supposed to stay out of the house it is going to end up being about 4.5 months from the first treatment until I'm able to move back in.

Yeah...

So for the past week I've been living in a tent in the backyard, only running into the house long enough to use the bathroom and to shower when absolutely necessary.  I can't cook for my family, can't tuck my kids into bed, can't snuggle up on the couch with my partner and watch movies (let alone share a bed).  Its been a nightmare.  My depression is setting in hard being separated from them like I am, and I'm just in the backyard.  Because of it being fall and the weather starting to change, even this situation isn't good enough because it gets absolutely frigid at night.  Our landlord offered to let us rent a little two bedroom place a few blocks over for cheaper than he'd normally rent it just because its his house that is causing my health issues.  Unfortunately even a cheap rental, when you add on utilities, is way more than our budget can stretch to cover.  Not to mention I'd be totally separated from the kids and alone except for my dog.

In steps my friend B with an offer for me to stay at her house while we wait for my house to be livable for me again.  This will save us hundreds of dollars and I won't be alone, but I'll still be without my kids and my love.  My mom has offered to take the kids to school in the mornings so I'll just do pick-ups and then come over to the house and hang out outside during the day.  Its going to be hard, but its a better solution than me living outside in bad weather, or living in a house completely alone.

I just can't wait until my life is back to normal.  I didn't move 1600 miles to be separated from my family.

Family

There is something special about the relationship L and C have with each other.  She has loved him even when she and I weren't allowed to talk to each other, before he even knew she existed she loved him.  And just last week, after a year and a half of her being in his life, and 8 months of her living with us, something heart-melting happened.  L sums it up best with her post on onesentence.org "The first time he called me "Mom", he was snuggling with me on the couch and then followed it up with "This is the best day.""  Something tells me she felt the very same way. 

The dynamic duo R & C posing on R's first
day of pre-school.

Our family is settling in nicely here in Colorado and despite all the big changes in their lives the kids are doing especially well.  They love having friends they get to play with all the time, R especially loves school, C is adjusting to school slowly but surely.  Best of all though is that a lot of C's behavior issues seem to be mellowing.  He's still got a lot of the 4/5 year old boy moodiness and limit testing going on, but the extreme temper tantrums and things of those ilk have pretty much gone by the wayside.  The fact that C is actually feeling safe enough in our new life to call L "Mom" makes me feel like just maybe uprooting their whole lives was worth it.  

Even R is starting to call L "Mama" pretty regularly and that melts my heart too.  They love her, and they are starting to realize that she's really sticking around.  For preschool, R was asked to draw a picture of her family and she managed it pretty well.  There are 5 different colored stick figures and her teacher labeled them all according to who R told her they were.  There was Brother, Mommy, Mama, Mimi(my mom) and RyRy.  Our current living situation may not be "normal" but at least the kids know they are loved.

Speaking of our living situation, I now know we aren't the only two mom family at the kids' school!  I saw another one yesterday when picking R up from pre-school, they were there to get their son from the 4 year old class.  It may not seem like a lot to some people, but knowing we aren't the only family like ours at the school is really reassuring.  Looks like we aren't as alone as I've been feeling after all.

**Author's note: Please forgive me if this post seems a bit jumbled, I'm sick as a dog and operating on not nearly enough sleep.  The second I'm used to, add the first in and well... **

What the heart wants

Back in March I wrote about what marriage equality meant to me and while it wasn't a long post it touched on how I truly feel about marriage equality.  Over the past five months as more states have been added to the list of those that allow same-sex marriages, and since moving from that does to one that only has domestic partnerships, I've had a lot of time to think.  I know, I know, that's where the burning smell is coming from.  Really though, I've thought a lot about this.

L and I are incredibly happy how we are.  For all intents and purposes we are living like we're married already but the truth of it is that we're not.  While us not being married really doesn't affect us at all in our personal lives and how we interact with each other I still want to be.  I want it so badly.  Yep, there it is for all the world to see, I want to marry my silly, compassionate, wonderful L.  I've always been a believer in second chances and what L and I have now is one huge second chance, one that I want to enjoy to its fullest and with no regrets.  I dream of the day that I will be able to call her my wife.

However, the catch here is that while L isn't opposed to the idea of marriage, she just isn't ready.  There is a lot to take into consideration before we take that plunge and I can understand why she wants to take her time to think it all over.  If it were just her and me involved in this whole thing it might be an easier decision for her, but we are raising two kids together as well (mine biologically but hers in heart which matters just as much!).  She wants to make sure that whatever decision we make will do right by C & R, as well as me and her.  There are also other things she needs to be able to take time thinking about too, and as ready as I am to throw all caution to the wind and just go for it I really admire her for wanting to be confident in her decision.

So, while my heart gets all warm and fuzzy and my eyes get misty at wedding stories, pictures and videos, I will just keep dreaming for now.  It may not be tomorrow, but hopefully someday in the relatively near future my lips will get to say the words that my heart already has and we will be able to share our love with our closest friends and family in a ceremony that is just as quirky and full of love and laughter as our life together already is.  I can't wait to see what our future holds!

Worries of a Kindergarten Mom: Where to even start?

Well, the post-move/before-start-of-school insanity is kicking in.  The house isn't fully unpacked yet, getting C enrolled in a school close to our house was a nightmare, and we're dead broke.  Yay!  

Okay, so maybe that yay really does make me seem crazy but I'm really beginning to feel it.  This move was killer on our finances and while I don't regret making it for an instant, the fact that it cost us nearly twice as much to move here as we expected, and that we're still paying on the house we left in WA until October 1st, means that buying school supplies and uniforms (yep, both kids' schools require uniforms instead of regular clothes) is going to be incredibly hard.  Can you feel my stress levels rising yet?  If you can't, just keep reading.

Even if we were still in WA and our finances weren't so dire I'd still be feeling the crazies right about now, however.  The impending upheaval in our family's daily lives is going to change everything.  Both kids will be going to school for the first time in only a matter of weeks.  My house will be empty of chatter, and screaming, and giggles for at least 3 hours a day while both kids are gone, and then even after R gets home from preschool its still going to be strangely quiet because by herself she's quiet as a mouse most of the time.  Then, once they're both home there is going to be homework to be done and stories to be told of their days spent away from me.  That'll be cool, but really weird.  

While I am excited for both C & R to go to school, because they are both so excited, I'm also getting pretty anxious as well.  I had sincerely hoped that both kids would be in the same school but as things have worked out they just won't be.  This means instead of one set of parents, teachers, and staff to get used to and try and fit in with I will have two sets.  Instead of only having to worry about how our kids would be accepted at one school for having two mommies who don't happen to be incredibly religious I'm now faced with two.

On the whole, I love our new city and our new life here.  But this whole school thing has me more than a little nervous.  I have no idea when the proper time is to mention to the kids' teachers that, oh by the way, I'm not their only mommy.  When I was doing C's enrollment papers the other day I think is when this hit me.  There were questions asking about who the child lives with, and what those people's relationships were to the child.  There were places for "parent/guardian #1" and "parent/guardian #2" and a third place for "parent the child doesn't live with".  It was cool, but a bit startling that the forms weren't just limited to mom and dad but that they made it pretty generic for any possible parenting combination.

When I got home from enrolling C, and the two of us being given the grand tour by one of the lovely secretaries, L asked me if I had mentioned that C had two mommies and I immediately felt bad that I hadn't.  If anybody actually takes the time to read the forms it will be crystal clear that he does, but it never came up in conversation and I was honestly too nervous to say anything.  I don't want C's first experience with school to have a shadow hanging over it before he even starts just because of who I love and am planning on spending my life with.  R is a lot more durable than her brother when it comes to change and not a whole lot phases her so even if there are issues at her school as well I have a feeling I will be able to cope with those better than if there are some at C's school.

My big worry right now is how/when to tell people about our family.  Where do I even start?  With the kids' teachers?  With the super sweet secretary?  With the principal?  With another parent?  A secondary worry I have has to do with those annoying money issues I mentioned earlier.  Most of the local assistance groups that help with school supplies and uniform costs are religious groups.  And while I wish it wasn't the case, I know that many of those groups do not like or approve of our type of family and I honestly would feel horribly awkward even going to them for assistance in the first place.  

Luckily I have L.  She's not much of a social butterfly, much like myself, but at least she is better able to handle my worries than I am.  She's the more level headed of the two of us by far.  I know that even if things do get rocky at either of the kids' schools she'll be able to help me not overreact too much.  I just wish I had at least one connection to a family like ours here, that way I could hopefully talk to other parents who have been through the worries I'm going through right now that could laugh and tell me everything will be just fine.