New normal and parenting woes.

I'm learning to adjust to my new normal.  L is pretty well settled, school is back in session for me, and the kids are spending more time with their dad.  Its weird.  The first two make me really happy, the third I have mixed feelings about.  I love having alone time with L, its great to be able to just have peace and quiet in the house and just do grown up things without having to worry about little people's needs all the time.  At the same time, I'm prone to nightmares about something bad happening to them when they aren't here.  I trust their dad with them but I guess I've just gotten so used to them always being here that it freaks me out on a subconscious level when they aren't.

I feel guilty, but despite enjoying the quiet time I sometimes still think it'd be easier for all of us if we didn't have to juggle which home the kids were going to be at.  I want the kids to see their dad, they love him so much, but I'm really not sure how well C is handling the instability of it all.  Its too much change all the time.  He's been mouthier and has been having more potty accidents lately and while the sass might just be due to his age the potty issues aren't.  Why can't co-parenting with an ex be simpler?

I really wish I had the money to put C in preschool because that way he'd at least have one stable thing through out the week even if his home isn't.  He needs the socialization, the structure, and he could really benefit from the learning environment too.  Too many things I can't offer him and it makes me feel like I'm in over my head at times.  I always wanted to homeschool the kids, but as they get older I'm realizing that its probably not for us just because I am too unorganized to do it regularly.  I've got workbooks for him that we work on sometimes but that normally only lasts a few minutes at a time because he doesn't have the attention span for it and, admittedly, I don't seem to have the patience and tolerance to deal with his lack of focus.

If I can't get him into preschool, it would at least be nice to find him an activity he can do.  I had him in swimming last year and he really loved that and I'd love to do that again but I think something with a bit more activity would be good for him too.  He's like a cooped up puppy at times and really needs an outlet for all of his pent up energy. 

Maybe, if I'm really lucky, someday I'll figure out this whole parenting thing...

Reflections on 2012

It has been a very interesting year.  I wish I could say that 2012 was uneventful but it was anything but that.  Anything before February 14th of this year is just a vague haze honestly.  I think there was some snow, and nursing school, and I had my IUD taken out so the ex and I could try for baby #3 but other than that nothing really happened until 2/14/12.  It was the worst Valentine's day in my life and the day that changed absolutely everything.  It was the day I decided to divorce my (now) ex and it was the day that I sent an email to a long lost love, L, explaining just why I was divorcing him.

After that day my life seemed to turn into a whirlwind of craziness.  Between nursing school and dealing with the ex, our kids, and eventually the divorce, I'm not exactly sure how I came out with my head still attached and mostly functional.  I can happily report though that I graduated with my LPN, my kids are healthy and happy, and the ex and I are on friendly terms.  Things got rocky again with the ex in October but he is in therapy and has stable housing so we are doing our best to work at being friends again.

The best part of my year by far is that after almost 4 years of not talking to her, L answered my email on Valentine's day within hours of me sending it.  That gave me hope that if nothing else we could be friends again.  We have since survived long distance dating and are now living together.  Between then and now she made 4 trips out here and I made 2 back to see her.  I'm not sure I've ever travelled so much, and I really did learn to hate that airport because each time I put her on a plane back to OH it hurt more.  Still, she is finally here now and we are going to get our chance at happiness after way too long.

If somebody had asked me this time last year where I thought I'd be a year from then, this definitely wouldn't have been it.  I would have probably told them I'd be holding a new baby, or pregnant, and I'd still be married to the ex.  I would still have gotten my LPN but I'm pretty sure thats the only thing that'd be the same.  Despite all the heartbreak and insanity of this past year I am really, truly happy.  I will admit though, I'm hoping that next year will be a lot less eventful because I could seriously use a break from the emotional rollercoaster I've been on.  I just have regular school to do, hopefully I'll find a nursing job, and settling into a nice family routine with L being here is all I really want to do.  Maybe a bit of travel to go see our family back east, but nothing crazy.  I think I just want to relax this year and enjoy life as it comes.  Please be gentle with me 2013!

Finally

Today my heart became whole again, L is finally here to stay.  No more months without seeing her, no more nights on Skype hoping that our computers don't restart or drop connection.  No more explaining to two little people that they can't go to her house and see her because its too far away.  Only time spent with her, C and R.  I know there are likely to be rough patches, and I know those patches won't be easy, but considering everything we've been through in the past I've got a lot of confidence that we will be able to work through it. 

I've been trying for weeks to get across to C that L will be staying with us for good this time, R is too little to really grasp things like that but I told her anyway.  And when I say I've been trying, I mean I've told him so many different ways that I really couldn't think of any better way to tell him for him to possibly understand.  And then tonight, he and L had a moment that got me all teary.  Her being here, and hearing her say it to him, and answering his questions all made it sink in for him.  Then, in his heart melting way, he wrapped his arms around her neck (she'd been down on his level) and told her he loved her.  When she said it back, I had to walk away because if I'd stayed I was likely gonna cry.  Now, they've exchanged "I love yous" before and it made me happy, but to hear him say it after the already very special conversation they'd had just slid it home for me that she really won't ever be leaving us again.

I'm not sure I even have the right words to express exactly how amazing this whole situation is to me.  All I know is that I feel blessed to have found somebody so right for me, somebody that I love and that loves me just as much.  I found her years ago and made the mistake of not following my heart at the time, but we are together now and I'm happier than I have ever been.  And the most amazing part is that she is not only great for me but she and the kids mesh too, they adore each other.  I couldn't ask for a better person to help me raise them when they are here with me.  They aren't going to be burdened with a step-monster like some kids are, they are getting a loving, devoted, fantastic third parent to help teach them to be the amazing people they have the potential to be.  And for that too I feel incredibly blessed.

Miles into memories

I can't believe I haven't written in over two weeks with everything that's been happening.  The day after my last posting I finally got notification that I passed my State Board, I am an actual licensed nurse!  Now starts the annoying part of searching for a job.  I'm looking and looking, but it seems that most places really just aren't hiring newly graduated LPNs (licensed practical nurses).  They advertise that they hire new graduates, but those are either RNs (registered nurses) or MAs (medical assistants) and I'm beginning to get more than a teensy bit frustrated with the whole thing.  I've found a couple places that I'm going to submit my resume and an application to, but first I need to put the finishing touches on my resume.  Its an entirely different animal from any other resume I've done in the past and its proving tricky to get just right.  It'll be very interesting to see what my future in nursing holds for me.

 

In other news, in just nine days the miles that have separated L and I for so many years will be nothing but a memory. L will be here in my arms for good and I can't quit smiling! I've tried explaining it to C & R, but they're 2.5 and 4, they just don't quite realize that when I say, "L is going to be living with us soon," that I mean something other than that she'll be visiting with us again. They don't realize that we'll ever have to say goodbye to her again. I think once she is here and they realize that she isn't going anywhere that they are going to be as excited as me. No matter how happy I am about all of this, I still almost can't believe that it's actually happening.  The impromptu trip I took out to OH the day after her birthday (as a combo birthday surprise/packing assistance trip) and helping her pack and ship 8 or 9 boxes of her stuff to my house has helped make it all more real though.  After all, if she doesn't move out here I've got tons of her stuff for no reason.  Why would she do that?  I know for a fact she's coming and soon I will have boxes to prove it and to tuck away until her arrival. 

With all of this happening at once it seems like my heart and my life are finally being given permission to move on.  Like they are finally being released from the darkness and limbo they've been in for so long.  Its a shock to the system to realize that I may finally be coming back to who I used to be, or at least as close as I can all things considered.  I've been told that because of everything that has happened, and because I not only survived it but came out on top of it all, that I'll be a stronger person for it.  Honestly, strength is all well and good but I just want to revel in the love and happiness I know is out there for me.  The strength will help me with any new struggles that come my way, but for a while I just want to enjoy my dreams coming true.

Oh, and for the first time since last April I saw a rainbow.  It was dancing in the moisture blowing around the plane's wings as I flew home from OH on Tuesday.  It was a beautiful and welcome sight and I can't help but believe that somebody or something was reminding me of the promise I was given back in April. 

Here's to the future, memories, dreams, and promises!

The insanity in the waiting game

Have you ever anxiously awaited something?  The release of a new book by your favorite author maybe?  Or heck, what about a three day holiday weekend?  Or how about the arrival of your long distance love coming to move out with you or the results of your State Board nursing exam?  Well, if you think I'm going insane waiting for those first two, at times you might be right but at the moment its definitely the last two that are driving me absolutely bonkers.

I'm not sure how much I've talked about my journey to becoming a nurse in this blog, but I entered nursing school Fall of 2011 and graduated my school's LPN program the end of August this year.  Then life happened (L visit, C birthday, divorce, ex's attempt at suicide, etc) so I just put off taking the exam until a "better" time.  What a joke that was!  The weekend before my exam I had two tests due and a paper, not to mention all my other homework.  Oh well!  I took my exam yesterday and am now rather impatiently awaiting the results.  Most of my class that has taken their exam already got their passing results back within hours of finishing.  I've already been waiting over 24 hours.  Only one of my classmates had to wait a long time to find out that she passed, the other one that had to wait failed.  So I'm basically looking at a 50/50 chance here and I'm constantly stalking the Department of Health's website, refreshing every couple hours (during business hours) to see if my license status has been changed to "Active" which indicates a passing grade for the exam.  Its nerve wracking let me tell ya!

And then there is the biggest, most exciting thing to happen in my life since the birth of my children.  Something I have been hoping for, and dreaming about for years.  L is finally making the move out here and the train will be depositing her into my life and my arms in 25 days.  Only 25 days!!!  I've got so much to get accomplished before she gets here, mostly decluttering to make room for her stuff, and I just don't think I have enough time.  The day she gets on her train will be the day after my last final for fall quarter, which means those two days she's on that train making her way across the country to me, I will be scrambling like a mad woman to make sure everything is ready for her permanent arrival into my life.  I am so stinking giddy its ridiculous, but I'm also losing my mind.  I so desperately want it to be December already so that I can see her again, so that our life together can officially start.

For the past few months I have felt like I've been stuck in some awful kind of limbo.  My relationship with the ex was over but L was still so very far away, and nursing school was finished but I wasn't licensed yet.  Even when things nearly crumbled around me with the ex's attempted suicide and L came out to be with me for a while, I still felt stuck in limbo.  When she left in September the next time I saw her was supposed to be when she moved out here, I wasn't ever supposed to have to put her back on a plane and ship her off again.  But I did, and it was horrible.  And now, only 25 days away from her arrival, I'm sitting here banging my head against the figurative wall in utter impatience.  I still may not be employable (aka licensed) by the time she gets here, but at least the most amazing part of my life will finally be able to move forward even if another very important part is still stuck in the mud.

Please please PLEASE let the waiting go quickly!  I just want to wake up every morning next to, and go to bed every night with, my Love.  (And it would be nice to finally be a licensed nurse too!)

Inescapable guilt

How can I feel so guilty and so happy at the same time?  Two nights ago, L gave me a rough date on when she will finally be moving out here and I literally had to restrain myself from getting up and jumping for joy.  She had nearly as big a smile on her face as I did so I know she was happy too.  Then today she told me she gave her two weeks notice at her job.  It was her first real step at wrapping things up where she's at so she can move and it really hit her hard.  She is leaving her hometown, her friends, her job, everything.  All to be with me.  And I feel guilty as shit because I am just so happy that she will be here soon.

If I could be the one moving I would do it in a heartbeat.  I love my friends here but I see most of them so rarely it really wouldn't make a huge difference if I left except for with a few.  My mom's family, most of them probably won't accept me anyway (except my mom and a couple cousins) so why worry about missing out on family holidays we won't be welcome at anyway.  School, I can go to school anywhere.  Heck, once I'm licensed I can get a job anywhere.  There is only one concrete thing holding me to this state and its the one person that should have absolutely no hold on me at all anymore.  The ex.  If he wouldn't fight me for the kids tooth and nail I would be gone.  I would have been gone as soon as the divorce finalized.

But no, instead of being free to move where I want to its L that has to make the sacrifices and move across country to a town where the only people she knows are me, my kids, and my mom.  Her cousins lives a couple hours away, but that still isn't close enough for daily interaction or quality time with people she knows.

I feel like I'm dragging her away from everything she knows and that what I have to offer in return, while something we've both wanted for a long time, just isn't a fair trade.  I'm worried that she will resent moving here.  I'm scared and worried and insecure...  For so long I was the only person that mattered in the ex's life.  He had a few aquaintances from work (when he worked) but no people he'd call real friends.  Once he wasn't working even those people dropped off his radar, so I was it.  His whole social life revolved around me.  Sure we had C & R too, but as far as adult conversation/interactions go toddlers just don't count.  I guess I've gotten used to having to be everything for somebody and that knowing L is actually capable of, and willing to, make friends and I'm worried that if she doesn't make more friends once she's here that I won't be enough for her.

And with all this worrying and guilt, I feel even more guilt because this shouldn't even be about how I feel.  She is the one stuck moving, not me.  So where the heck do I get off thinking that my feelings even matter in this situation?  Its just a ridiculous cycle that I can't escape tonight and its all because I'm just so incredibly happy that in a few weeks we will finally be together.

On top of all the lovely feelings involved with L's move, there are more lovely feelings associated with the ex thanks to a conversation/fight/whatever we had tonight.  I don't know how to act with him.  Some days he's friendly and open like he still wants to try working on getting back to some semblance of a friendship.  And then there are days like the past few where he hasn't hardly said two words to me except, "Can I talk to them?" (obvioiusly meaning C & R). 

Then today we found out his mother died this morning, so I called to see if he was okay and he basically told me not to bother asking.  When he called to talk to the kids tonight I tried asking him again if he was okay and he hung up on me.  After that I left him a message explaining how confused I was over the signals he was giving me because one day he tells me he needs me to be his friend and be there for him and then the next he hangs up on me when I ask after him.  Talk about pull out your hair frustrating.

The conversation we had when he called me back in response to my voicemail was complicated and emotionally draining.  The basics are that he's not feeling anything about anything lately except for missing the kids, and I'm feeling way too much.  He's not even upset by the fact that his mother is dead and I'm shutting down because I can't handle everything that has happened in the past year.  And neither of us are talking to anybody because, well, he just doesn't talk to people period, and I only talk to a select few and the one I really needed to talk to tonight was having her own emotional issues because of her upcoming move. 

And here I am back to feeling more guilt because I'm being a crappy mom because I'm shutting down, and I'm being a crappy girlfriend because I'm too chicken to bother L when she's going through stuff of her own, not to mention a crappy girlfriend because since I'm wallowing in my own damn guilt I don't know how to help her with what she's going through...  So frustrating!  And lets not forget the guilt for feeling upset that she didn't say goodnight to me tonight even though she warned me she wasn't in a chatty mood. 

The magic in a rainbow

My gaze kept drifting between the trees rushing past outside the car window and the face of the woman I love in the driver's seat.  Today was a difficult day, I was going home.  My vacation to see her wasn't nearly long enough and I did not want to get on that plane.  We hadn't really talked much since getting in the car and my guess was that she was lost in her own thoughts just like I was. 

 
I will never know what she was thinking about that day, but my thoughts were along the lines of not wanting to lose her again and not wanting to go home to the drama I knew awaited me.  I think what brought me out of my thoughts was the feeling of her thumb rubbing on my hand, and I looked down at our hands and smiled.  There was a little rainbow dancing on our joined hands, moving over our skin as the car followed the contours of the road. 

What happened next, a muttered, "Oh shit!" from L followed by her tearing her hand away from mine so she could steer us to safety, changed my life forever.  We both came out of the accident in one piece thankfully, and I later told her what I'd seen the light doing on our joined hands, but it took me just over six months from the day of the accident to make a connection. 

Now I don't normally make a big deal out of my spiritual beliefs but I think its important here to note that I do not consider myself a Christian.  I have no problems with God, mind you, just many of his followers.  That said, I'm not sure what exactly prompted me to think about it, but as I was driving to the bank today it hit me: God made a promise with a rainbow after the flood that he would never again do something so drastic.

I can't help but wonder if maybe the sweet little rainbow dancing across mine and L's joined hands was a promise too.  A promise that this time the love I have will last, that I won't lose her to my own stupidity again, or that we would survive what was about to happen to us.  I'm not sure.  Maybe it was just a fluke of light shining through the windshield at just the right angle.  The logical part of me says its probably the latter, but the part of me that believes in magic, miracles, and higher powers really wants to believe in the former. 

Rainbows have been considered a sign of hope in many cultures, in others they have been considered a message.  Before the accident I just thought of them as beautiful flukes of nature, light reflecting through water (or sometimes glass/crystal).  I haven't seen one since that day but I'm pretty sure that the next time I do it won't just be a fluke to me anymore, it will be something a bit more magical.