Why I talk about the hard stuff.

I had an interesting conversation with one of my friends, B, today.  She has been through a similar situation to mine (spousal sexual assault) and she too is now in a healthier relationship.  While I was talking to her about my new love and how much L knows about my relationship with my ex I used the words "rape" and "abuse" and various other ones like those.  And she stopped me short and told me she was proud of me for being able to talk about what happened. 

Wow.

I talked with B a little bit more and I explained to her that, hard as it is, its important to me to be able to put words to what happened and to talk about it because I know there are people out there like me.  People who have been through a horrible situation (abuse, divorce, infertility, chronic pain/illness, etc...) and who likely feel so incredibly isolated because of it.  I talk about the hard stuff so that other people will know they aren't alone.  Even if they aren't ready, willing, or able to talk about the hard stuff right away, they at least know that when they are ready that somebody will be there to listen.  What B told me after that completely validated everything I had just said because she told me that while she isn't able to talk about it all just yet, that hearing me talk about it is "very very helpful".

This blog was originally meant to help me process the hard stuff going on in my life by laying things out "on paper" so to speak.  I've always been able to think more clearly once I write things down and I'm actually able to see my thoughts before me and go over them.  I had hoped that by having this blog public that maybe somebody in need of knowing they weren't alone would find it.  And while B had no idea about my blog, if what I have been doing this past year to help myself has actually enabled me to help even one person, even just a little bit, in their own healing process then I know it was the right thing to do. 

I have always been a fixer, have always wanted to help people when I can see them hurting.  With this great thing called the internet I don't actually see a lot of the friends I've made in person but that doesn't change the fact that if I know when they're hurting and that I want to help.  Heck, there are people out there that I don't even know but I know they're hurting and I want to help them too.  If my talking about hard topics has even a smidgen of a chance of helping them the way it has helped B then I will certainly keep doing it.  The more people speak up, the less alone we will all feel, and the stronger we will all become knowing that we've got support and understanding.

**Funny little bit of trivia: I used to write RP (role play storylines) on a forum and that's where I met both B and L as well as a few of my other good friends.  I will forever be grateful to that board, and the author who's books our RP was based off of, for those friendships.  One of which eventually developed into the amazing relationship I have with L now.

Equality and dreams of marriage.

Life has been good to me lately. Crazy like always, but good. The relationship I’m in now with L is the most fulfilling one I have ever been in and I have never been more in love. You know I did the marriage thing before and it ended badly, but I honestly think it’s just because I wasn’t with the right person. The right person was half way across the country, right where she had been since before I got in a relationship with the man I married. It’s a very long story but basically what it boils down to is that at the time I had been scared of who I was and he was the safer relationship choice, the one that I could happily tell my family and friends about without worrying about judgment, and also the one that I could actually do the whole wedding and kids thing with that I had dreamed about since I was little. In the end it wound up being the relationship most wrong for me out of all the ones that had come before. Yet I still was able to marry him, even if maybe I shouldn’t have bothered, purely because he was a man and I was a woman.

Until it passed at the ballot box this past election, I wouldn’t have been able to do that with my new love simply because she is also a woman. Luckily Washington State is full of many people who agree with me that gender should not be an issue if two people choose to commit themselves to each other and want to get married. If we ever choose to get married, it’s nice to know that my relationship with L won’t legally be seen as “less” than the one I had with my ex-husband. After all, this relationship is way more to me than that one ever was. Our kids (mine biologically with the ex) also know that they now have two mommies that adore them and one of those mommies is a lot less tense, stressed, and anxious than she was over a year ago.

If we do get married I will be proud to have the kids there and involved. It’s what families do, after all, when parents remarry. What difference should it make that the kids will be getting a step-mom instead of a step-dad? She loves them and they love her. We are already a family and we don’t need the validation of marriage to make that true. I needed a bit of time to grow and figure myself out before I could realize this though. Knowing that we can go that route if we choose to, however, gives a certain measure of comfort in this uncertain world.

I wouldn’t change my relationship with L for anything; it has made me a better person, a better mother, and a better friend. Even if Washington voters hadn’t decided to allow same-sex marriage last November I would still be with her now, we would still be in love, and she would still be an amazing and loving parent to C & R the two crazy monkeys that adore her. A part of me will always hope for the dream of marriage and a family I had as a little girl. And now, at least in a few places, I will be allowed that dream regardless of the gender of who I want to marry.

Love doesn't have to be hard.

She made this for me a while back when I was having a hard time.

Maybe we are still in our honeymoon period.  Maybe its because we have both wanted this for so incredibly long.  Maybe its because I finally found The One for me.  Whatever the reason, all I know is that I am in the kind of relationship I have seen other people in and wondered if such relationships really existed.  I've had what I would consider good relationships in the past, as well as bad ones, but I'm not sure that love has ever felt this simple. 

It amazes me daily how different things are with L than they were with anybody before her despite similiar, and sometimes even more complicated, challenges to our relationship.  I don't think there is a need to go into those particular challenges but they are definitely there and a lot of them have to do with me and my baggage with C & R's dad.  Others have to do with her own adjustment from single life with a job to suddenly being a mother of two crazy, rambunctious, snuggly kids and being unemployed.  Even with all of this, she (most of the time) has seemingly endless amounts of patience, understanding, and kindness.

I may not feel the need to go into what things we do have to contend with on a daily basis (mostly because they are rather common or pretty personal), but I am happy to say that I am finally in a healthy relationship that has absolutely no power struggle to it.  I never feel like I'm being told what to do, I never feel like I'm being talked down to, and I never wonder if something I say is going to cause an explosive fight and leave me walking on eggshells for days.  I have my moments of uncertainty and panic where I worry that I've done something wrong but all it takes is a no-nonsense talk with L to be reminded that I am safe with her in every sense of the word and that even if I had done something wrong we would work through it and fix it instead of letting it hang over both of us and make life miserable for days.

I know that no relationship will ever be easy all of the time, but its nice to have finally found one that isn't hard most of the time.  It's a wonderful thing to have living, daily proof that love doesn't have to be a constant fight.  That it really doesn't have to be hard.

Anniversary

**trigger warning**

Anniversaries mark big events in our lives.  Typically those events are something we want to remember because they come with happy memories, like wedding anniversaries or even birthdays.  Unfortunately there are also anniversaries for other big events in our lives that we really would rather not remember.  Deaths, heartbreaks, and (at least in my case) rape.  One year ago tonight my whole world changed forever.

I had been hurt by him before, three times I would call rape and multiple incidents of coercion to get me to do what he wanted sexually.  I wouldn't say I forgave him for those things but I had just shoved them out of my everyday thinking and had moved on with my life.  We had two kids together and I thought I needed him to make it by on a daily basis, to my way of thinking there was no point making things worse than they already were.  That is, until I got woken up with a hand pressed hard on my mouth and my nose being pinched shut while one of my hands was being directed to "get it hard".

After a year the details aren't as fuzzy as I'd like.  I wish I could forget how his hand felt on my face, on my throat, on the wrist of my hand that wasn't occupied.  I wish I could forget his words to me as he threatened certain acts that I knew were going to hurt like hell because they had hurt before.  I wish more than anything that I could forget how he oh so casually said immediately after, "Why are you crying, I didn't actually hurt you."  Only to be later followed up by, "I didn't realize you were crying until we were done."  Like there was actually any 'we' involved in the whole thing.  I fought to get away but he was stronger and heavier than me, I was groggy from sleep and he had me pinned so I could not force my body free.  A year later I wish I had called the cops.  I wish I had gotten the rape kit done.  I wish I had not waited two weeks to go to the police and CADA.

I'm not sure how things would have gone if I had done things differently but I can't help but wonder just how much suffering our family wouldn't have had to go through if I had not been so scared of confrontation.  I know the divorce wouldn't have been "friendly" and we likely would have had a huge custody battle for C & R.  But maybe the ex wouldn't have been able to try and kill himself if he'd been in jail for what he'd done.  I will never know.

I'm trying not to let this anniversary overwhelm me but I'm not sure how well I'm going to do.  As I'm writing this, I'm 30 minutes away from when the end of my life as I knew it started.  I haven't gone to bed yet, not sure how well I'll sleep, but I'm hoping that I'll be able to enjoy tomorrow/today (Valentine's day) a lot more than I did last year.  It shouldn't be hard.  This year I've got love in my life that I know will never hurt me like he did.  L is nothing like him.  I need to heal and to celebrate that love I have with her and I think that whatever grieving or pain I have to deal with on this anniversary needs to be dealt with tonight before I go to bed so that when I wake up I can move on with my life in a way I haven't been able to do just yet.

The great and the awkward.

Our family outting to the park today was a bit odd.  To any casual observer we might have appeared as two friends bringing our kids to the park or maybe one mom + kids and mom's friend, and maybe to the few people who might have noticed me holding L's hand for a while we might have appeared as what we really are.  That is, until the ex showed up too.  Then things started to get awkward.  Three adults, two kids and the kids calling all three of us mommy, mama, and daddy... 

Most of the time the ex was off following C, while R hung around with L and me.  She was obsessed with a couple of adorable little babies (an 8 month old girl, and a little boy maybe 14 months old) and one of them had two mommies.  When that trio first got to the park both L and I watched them long enough for us both to figure out what we thought we were seeing, then we looked at each other and smiled before she leaned into me and stayed that way till we had to go off and chase R again.  L isn't one for extreme PDA (making out in public) and I'm totally on the same page.  But she has said that even the more mild stuff like holding hands just opens up the possibilities for people being jerks.  I however, strangely considering my normally shy-ish nature, could care less what people think about whose hand I'm holding.  I love her and if I want to hold her hand dang it I will.  Or at least I would if I knew she wouldn't be uncomfortable.  So, when she leaned into me today at the park full of people I was on cloud nine.  She even proceeded to tuck her hand in my elbow at one point, and at another she let me hold her hand (sadly short-lived as R took off again...).

I wasn't brave enough to flat out ask if we could meet with the kids again, but R and the little boy totally hit things off so I asked them if they went to that park a lot.  When they said they did and then asked if we did, I explained we have a small park within walking distance of our house and normally go to that one but that maybe we should start going to the big park more often so the kids could play together the other mom's both smiled and said they thought that'd be cool.  I did my best not to squeal and do a happy dance right then and there.  Yes I'm excited at the prospect of R having a little playmate of her own instead of one of her big brother's, but I'm also kinda giddy at the idea of making friends with another two-mommy family.  I know there are others in this town, but seeing one at the park with their adorable little flirt of a baby boy (he was even flirting with me lol) just made me stupid happy.  Even if we never run into them again its nice to know we are in fact not alone.

I wish things were simpler sometimes and that the kids truly were just mine and L's but that's not the case and I'm okay with that most days.  And I'm happy to say that today's family outting to the park went great despite the awkwardness of our parenting situation and the fact that L still can't stand the ex.  I know where she is coming from, I know why she can't stand him, all I can hope for is that someday she'll at least be able to fake tolerance well enough to fool the kids.  She's been able to fake it with her step-monster for years so maybe she'll be able to do the same with the ex because I'm pretty sure its too much to ask (at least anytime soon) for her to be able to genuinely be friends with him.

New normal and parenting woes.

I'm learning to adjust to my new normal.  L is pretty well settled, school is back in session for me, and the kids are spending more time with their dad.  Its weird.  The first two make me really happy, the third I have mixed feelings about.  I love having alone time with L, its great to be able to just have peace and quiet in the house and just do grown up things without having to worry about little people's needs all the time.  At the same time, I'm prone to nightmares about something bad happening to them when they aren't here.  I trust their dad with them but I guess I've just gotten so used to them always being here that it freaks me out on a subconscious level when they aren't.

I feel guilty, but despite enjoying the quiet time I sometimes still think it'd be easier for all of us if we didn't have to juggle which home the kids were going to be at.  I want the kids to see their dad, they love him so much, but I'm really not sure how well C is handling the instability of it all.  Its too much change all the time.  He's been mouthier and has been having more potty accidents lately and while the sass might just be due to his age the potty issues aren't.  Why can't co-parenting with an ex be simpler?

I really wish I had the money to put C in preschool because that way he'd at least have one stable thing through out the week even if his home isn't.  He needs the socialization, the structure, and he could really benefit from the learning environment too.  Too many things I can't offer him and it makes me feel like I'm in over my head at times.  I always wanted to homeschool the kids, but as they get older I'm realizing that its probably not for us just because I am too unorganized to do it regularly.  I've got workbooks for him that we work on sometimes but that normally only lasts a few minutes at a time because he doesn't have the attention span for it and, admittedly, I don't seem to have the patience and tolerance to deal with his lack of focus.

If I can't get him into preschool, it would at least be nice to find him an activity he can do.  I had him in swimming last year and he really loved that and I'd love to do that again but I think something with a bit more activity would be good for him too.  He's like a cooped up puppy at times and really needs an outlet for all of his pent up energy. 

Maybe, if I'm really lucky, someday I'll figure out this whole parenting thing...

Reflections on 2012

It has been a very interesting year.  I wish I could say that 2012 was uneventful but it was anything but that.  Anything before February 14th of this year is just a vague haze honestly.  I think there was some snow, and nursing school, and I had my IUD taken out so the ex and I could try for baby #3 but other than that nothing really happened until 2/14/12.  It was the worst Valentine's day in my life and the day that changed absolutely everything.  It was the day I decided to divorce my (now) ex and it was the day that I sent an email to a long lost love, L, explaining just why I was divorcing him.

After that day my life seemed to turn into a whirlwind of craziness.  Between nursing school and dealing with the ex, our kids, and eventually the divorce, I'm not exactly sure how I came out with my head still attached and mostly functional.  I can happily report though that I graduated with my LPN, my kids are healthy and happy, and the ex and I are on friendly terms.  Things got rocky again with the ex in October but he is in therapy and has stable housing so we are doing our best to work at being friends again.

The best part of my year by far is that after almost 4 years of not talking to her, L answered my email on Valentine's day within hours of me sending it.  That gave me hope that if nothing else we could be friends again.  We have since survived long distance dating and are now living together.  Between then and now she made 4 trips out here and I made 2 back to see her.  I'm not sure I've ever travelled so much, and I really did learn to hate that airport because each time I put her on a plane back to OH it hurt more.  Still, she is finally here now and we are going to get our chance at happiness after way too long.

If somebody had asked me this time last year where I thought I'd be a year from then, this definitely wouldn't have been it.  I would have probably told them I'd be holding a new baby, or pregnant, and I'd still be married to the ex.  I would still have gotten my LPN but I'm pretty sure thats the only thing that'd be the same.  Despite all the heartbreak and insanity of this past year I am really, truly happy.  I will admit though, I'm hoping that next year will be a lot less eventful because I could seriously use a break from the emotional rollercoaster I've been on.  I just have regular school to do, hopefully I'll find a nursing job, and settling into a nice family routine with L being here is all I really want to do.  Maybe a bit of travel to go see our family back east, but nothing crazy.  I think I just want to relax this year and enjoy life as it comes.  Please be gentle with me 2013!